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From: Shelby
Date: 03 Jan 2004
Time: 21:47:25 -0700
Remote Name: 152.163.253.68
Hi All, My name is Shelby, I've been coming back to this sight for over a year now, reading the stories and reading and re-reading Steves section on thoughts and observations. My Ex-B/F is an addict. Has been since he was 18, he's 38 now. I met him at work 5 years ago, and fell so deeply in love, so fast, before I knew he was an addict. He used me for everything I had. I thought if I just stood by him "go the distance" as he put it, he would find out how much I loved him and how happy I could make him. After my money ran out he dumped me for a black ghetto crack-whore he picked up in a freak room at a crack house. Got her pregnant, had a crack baby. Went to prison for a year, I went back, helped him with all his legal stuff. Two days after his last court date I was out she was back in. He was released, back with her for 6 months, back to prison. Now he's got 8 years. Wants me back. I have not been to see him, took his phone call for the first time on Christmas Eve. Now all those old feelings are coming back. I use to think about him all the time, now I think about him constantly (obsession?). The thing that hurt me more than anything was the constant lying. I can sort of understand the horrible things he has done to feed his addiction, but after I ran out of money and told him I wouldn't help him. Why does he still lie?? What does he have to gain?? I have been beating myself up for 5 years wondering what is wrong with me, that I can't just walk away forever and forget I ever knew him. Low self-esteem? Wanting to be loved so badly? I don't use and I know I deserve better. Why do we stay???