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 First, I want to say that this is a wonderful web-site. I have learned so much from this site and the support here is awesome.
 My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. Up until 2 1/2 years ago, he was the best father to our children and best husband to me. He was a hard worker and took pride in everything he did. Then, one night while at a party, he tried crack without knowing what it was. That was all it took. He was instantly hooked. He quickly changed before my eyes. The same old thing.....disappearing for hours or days at a time, money missing, lost his job and could never hold another one. He was unable to pay the bills or buy food for us because any little amount of money he got his hands on went to crack. I have thrown him out numerous times only to take him back everytime hoping that things would be different each time only to be let down again and again. I have phoned the police on him many times such as one evening when I knew he was high on crack, I called 911 and had him removed. I confronted dealers face to face without fear. I have literally chased him to see where he was going and who he was getting the crack from. This is just a few things I have done. Not only was his using crack destroying him, it was driving me insane! I was never at peace and always had to be on my toes and always one step ahead or risk losing more money. He has been in rehab twice. This last time, I felt it was different. When he was done his program, he moved back home and was the best father and husband I could ask for. That lasted for 1 1/2 weeks!!!! Then I noticed a sharp change in him. I knew this change very well. He became uninterested in me and the kids. He was in the bathroom for long periods of time. He was not eating. He was distant. My children's wallets suddenly became missing. When I confronted him he was glassy and it was as though he was looking straight through me. He could not care less that I was crying. He really did not care. Before he came home, I filed for divorce but since he had changed so much, I put the divorce on hold. When I first realized that he was using again, I told him that I did not cancel the divorce and I would go ahead if he used. I guess he did not care. He used again. I reminded him that he would lose me and the kids if he chose to use. He chose to use.  It is so heartbreaking to see someone who was a great person destroy themselves and there is nothing I can do about it. My children love him as they know the man before the crack but it is not fair to them to live like this indefinetly. They deserve a peaceful, safe and happy home.  I guess for me, letting go is the hardest because I spent so many years with the love of my life and I know what his dreams were and I know that he truly does love us. But I am totally helpless in this situation. I am powerless over crack. No matter what I do or say, my best friend and the man I thought I was going to grow old with, will do anything to get crack. The lies are amazing. I hate this evil drug. I hate what it has done to him, my love of my life. I know he will never come back to me. He is a crack addict. This is his love now. But most of all, the pain he has caused our children hurts the most and they are first and foremost in my life. They do not deserve any of this. They do not deserve his pain. They have memories that they will never forget as long as they live. Not only has he stolen their money but he has stolen their  innocence and childhood. They have experienced a part of life that they should not. I can say that I will always be there for them. I will never do drugs of any sort. They know that. As one of my sons says "We are lucky. We have one parent. Some kids do not have any as both their parents are drug addicts." Because of him, they have a knowledge beyond their years. That is why I am writing today. To help others who are struggling with this very demon and have children like me. You only have one option. Live your life and love your children so that they may also live their lives. The crack addict, no matter how much you may love them, have made their choice, and that is to die.




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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack wisdom

 I stayed up most of the night reading all of the stories and group notes. I would add my own story but mine sounds exactly like everyone elses. So instead I am going to give some advice about living with a CH and maybe I can save someone else the misery of throwing away ten years on a CH. And believe me if you live with one you ARE throwing your life away. I read the words, Co-dependent and Enabler and as much as I hate to admit it these are exactly what I have been. No I never "helped" him to get crack, never approved of his using. In fact I did everything that I could to try to keep him away from it. I had people watching him, I watched him. I even went so far as to put tiny cameras in my house to try to catch him using. I called the police over and over again. Because I just kept believing that if I could keep it away from him, he would stop. NOTHING worked. Please remember these words. NOTHING will make them stop. You can give them love and believe that will make them stop. It wont. They will say all of the things that you want hear and believe. "I wont do it anymore." ."I dont NEED it." " Im not a true Crack Head because I dont use everyday, "If I was a true Crack Head I would be stealing and have to have it everyday." Actually if he had the money he WOULD be using everyday. I have seen so many things "dissapear". Gifts I had given him. Things he had bought. Anything that he could sell or trade for crack. is GONE. No Crack Head will ever admit that they are a Crack Head or that they have a problem. I dont believe that this is something that they can even admit to themselves. A Crack heads life is one of denial and lies. I have heard every lie possible, Even lies that are so off the wall that I wondered why he even said them. But still I wanted to believe that he would quit. He wont. They DONT, They CANT. So if you are living with a Crack Head. Get away NOW ! Pack up their stuff and get them out of your life. Over the last ten years I have developed ulcers and stress related migraines. Recently I took a trip and went away for a few days. I used this time to look back on everything that he has done to me over the years. At all the times Ive seen this cycle of crack additcition. He will taper off for awhile and let me think that hes not using but it always comes back to the same thing and same place. It spirals out of control . Its like living the same nightmare over and over again. I spent so much time on worry. Where is he? What is he doing? What has he sold now? And the mood swings !! Oh the mood swings ! When hes using he is SO nice. Maybe out of guilt, maybe because thats when hes not "wanting" or "needing" and then comes the crash!! Sleeping for hours and hours. And he becomes the meanest most hareful person I have ever known. So GRIEVE. Grieve for the future that you will never have together. Grieve for the plans you had that will never come true. And when you look your CH in the face remember that the person that you loved and wanted a life with is GONE. And that person will never come back. Someone recently gave me the best advice Ive ever heard. They didnt say to stop watching him or stop trying to make HIM stop. They didnt even say try to get him into rehab again. They said 5 very profound words.. "Let go and Let God." And I really thought about those 5 words and realized that they were so right. When I stopped worrying and stopped trying to make his life better it was like I had been freed!! And the weight lifted off me.. I have to say those 5 words several times a day to remind myself but it works for me and I hope that it will work for you too... I wish you all the very best, R




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: My story

 First of all I would like to thank you for the information that your website
does provide. I guess I can finally see that I am not alone.
 It hurts to Stay, But even Harder to Leave
 
I recently have become involved with a guy who has a crack problem. I started affiliating with him knowing that he dappled with it, but on a "once" in awhile basis. Or so I thought....I can only blame myself for the involvement and the pain and hurt that I am currently experiencing. I had no clue that is was this bad. I know the smart thing to do is to give him the tough love treatment, to cut off all ties, because in the long run I am now his new enabler. What kills me the most is that he is functionable. He is one of the best laborer's for the company he works for, and I remember when he would be at work every single day. Now, the crew is lucky to see him twice a week. His best friend happens to be his dealer. It kills me inside, when I realize that he actually thinks this guy is his friend. He allows him to flop on his couch, and smoke the crack in his home. He has a home to go to, with a poor distraught mother, who pretty much just waits for a dreaded phone call. His life is now filled with empty promises...that turn into "real promises" (which don't happen) and now he has moved onto "pinky"promises.(which still don't happen) It seems that his intentions are so good, and then an hour later his mind totally changes. He is very quick tempered, paranoid, jealous, and this is someone that I would never,ever, normally get involved with. But, I caught feelings for him when he wasn't using, and when I got to know the real person. (unless that is all fake too) I am at a point now where I am having nightmares of his funeral, and it is starting to deteriorate me. I am always worrying about what may be happening to him and it sucks. I know I should just walk away....but something keeps holding me back. I can go a few days and then I find myself worrying about him again...Who is the real addict, Me or Him?????????????




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Subject: Submit Story

 I met my CHexH when I was 17. He was just out of the Marines and was going to college. He was in a band and had so much going for him. We started dating, I was just out of high school and attending college. I got pregnant right away. He was always gone during the pregnancy. He worked full time went to school and was in a band and the Marine reserves. I was busy too, with college and a full time job. I felt that since I got pregnant out of wedlock I was lucky to even have him stay with me and he was the first to mention that there were very few men out there that would stay.
 He was an alcoholic, I wasn’t raised around drinkers, so I didn’t know about the disease. There were many many times that I came second to a good time. He also smoked pot and had told me that he had shot up once. It was scary for me but he assured me that he would never do that again. During our 18 yrs of marriage, I noticed how most of his friends were drug users and especially toward the end, he was hanging around with a bad crowd. He would tell me that I was too judgemental and that he was helping them to quit. The last year or so of our marriage, he didn’t sleep in our bed very often. He was sweating all the time. He wouldn’t attend family functions and he was all about our family.
 My BF told me that she heard he was doing crack and I needed to confront him. He said that he wasn’t doing any drugs and that I was crazy. We had a really large house, he had a great corperate job. We were sending our first child to college, our son was on the football team and we had the perfect american dream family- and at night I was crawling around on the floor looking for drug paraphenilia. I finally found the crack stuff in Nov 2005.
 He finally admitted that he was hooked. He showed me all the bills that he had been hiding from me. He had gone through about $40,000 that year, if not more. We went to counselling. He did inpatient and was kicked out because he failed the drug tests. I found him smoking crack in the house. I kicked him out so many times, only to let him back in because I loved him so much. He was my life, my family was my life.
 Finally on 4/1/2006, I kicked him out for good. I told him that if he didn’t quit, I would file for divorce. He didn’t/couldn’t. He told me that he was happy to be off the leash. He was riding high on credit. He still had a job, a car and credit. He also found a CW immediately. She’s 20, he’s 40. I filed, he didn’t contest. I sold our house, I bought a new house.
He doesn’t have a job, or a car, or any credit. He doesn’t see his kids. I think about the man that I married everyday. Someday, I am hoping that I wont that I will move on.
One day at a time.




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Subject: Submit Story

 Here is my story...I've known this person for a very long time well since jr. high. Just recently she lost a good friend from suicide I felt so bad for her my heart went out to her for her loss, And all this happened in one week period since her friends death. She come to me crying i comfort her with words or a hug. Then it started the money at first " can i borrow 10.00 i promise ill pay you back" well i believed her then a few days later she come back and ask for 20.00 she would use her kids as an excuse why she needs the money and i felt bad. Then it happened. One night well actually a few nights ago i feel asleep on my sofa she walked in took what money i had and my medication. well as the day had went on i found out she had stolen my daughter's money for school. I had called the police and made a report due to the fact she stoled my medication. She came over the next day acting like she was helping me to fine my medication which i knew it was taken but she made me feel like i was loosing my mind which i was at that time then she tried to accuse my uncle of taking the cash and the med's that really upset me i told her he would never steal from me i told her that someone had walked in my house and took it. It was hard giving the police her name and all but i knew it was her for the fact my neighbor saw her come to my house and run like crazy from me house. I confronted her and of course she denied it of course. I got more information from her mom and that is when i found out she has a problem with crack., that really hurt me but then it made me see why she did it..she needed a fix i guess but still it hurt really bad. I told her on the phone i dont want the money back money to me right now has no meaning i just want to see her get help. And now i just dont know what to do she stoled from me and i am so paranoid that i make sure the house is totally closed up for the night and i refuse to answer the phone if its from her. Would be great if i can get some feed back and suggestions in what to do. thank you for letting me write about this and thank you for reading.




From:
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Subject: Submit My Story

 I can't believe that I discovered a web site that tells all too familiar stories like my own. There is so much pain around. I am always thinking the beatles song, "All the lonely people, where do they all belong." I am one of those lonely people, because I have allowed the pain of having a crackhead son isolate me. I have people in my life who want to listen, but I am ashamed and often too sad to talk about it. I spend a lot of energy building a facade- after all no one wants to be around gloom and doom- including me! Unfortunately, I can't escape my heart and no matter what my son will be my heart.
My son has just turned 23. He has been involved in drugs since he was probably 15. I suspected, but I never realized the hold they had on him till about 2 years ago.  I don't know if he did more than anyone else, but the effects were drastic for him. He began to have many problems with intoxication, fighting, and lawlessness. He used both of his chances at pre-trial intervention before age 18. He almost didn't graduate from high school. He wouldn't have, if we (his parents) didn't go to bat for him. As parents, we thought that our kids could never fool us, because we remembered vividly our struggling teen age years. We were wrong- not for the first time or the last time. Our CH's lies were so expansive, we thought they had to be true. At 18, he got diagnosed with a mental illness. Since then, he's been labled with three mental illnesses. We have sympathized and huffed and puffed under him trying to get him on his feet. We could deal with a mental illness, but not the addiction. Since, we realized that mental illness and addiction often go hand and hand, we enabled that, too. Our son has stolen money from us, sold three vehicles for drugs,pawned everything  he's had, stolen our cars, stolen our checks, etc. All of this has been denied and lied about. The lies are the most difficult thing for me to deal with. One time, when he was high, he attacked us. I have had to take him in the middle of the night to the hospital due to a drug reaction. Despite all, we have kept coming back, supporting him financially and emotionally. After all, you can't divorce a son. Our son served 6 months a year ago, for breaking and entering vehicles, looking for money and other accessible things that could be used to feed his addiction. I thought this was rock bottom, but it hasn't been. He's been out of jail for 7 months, and his addictions have increased in their fury. He's still stealing from us, lying, etc. My husband and his brother have disowned him. I am angry, but still I am there to make sure his bills are paid, he has food to eat, etc. Recently, he worked for 3 weeks, out sick for 2 days, before he quit. This was the longest he lasted at a job in years.
I, too, want to let go. I am so angry and I don't hang on to false hope. I just don't know how to do it. I have ordered your book, Steve. I hope that can help me look realistically at the person my son has become. This is grief- a living hell. Right now, I can't imagine feeling whole again.
It's probably not the appropriate time, but I wanted to share some of my recent writings about my son. I will always love the son that still exists in those occassional reflections. I am afraid though, that I am like the fable of the dog that has a bone in his mouth. He sees his reflection in a pond  and thinks that there is another dog that has a bigger, juicier bone than himself. In his greed, he opens his mouth to take the other bone- only to lose the one he already has. That is going to be me- I have a wonderful husband, another son, a daughter in law, and many friends and family to celebrate. I can't make things different for my CH son. I need to let go- and let God take over.
 
My CH son, as seen through his mother's eyes...
 Contradictions
 Grown, but not grown,
True, but not true,
Caring, but not caring,
Sincere, but not sincere
Independent, but not independent 
 Thanks again for allowing me to share, being there for me, and all the other lonely hearts.
H




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 
Hi! my mother in law is a crack addict. She recently her and her sister lost there mothers home who has pasted away becuase of my mother in-laws addiction. My husband is her only child and she has come to live with us and our two children. Every since that day my husband and I have grew appart becuase of this situation. His mother disrespects my home and we recently got into a fight about it I had to put her out but my husband brought her right back into our home. She has been there for three months and has not tried to get her own place. What do I do because I feel like I am going to have to leave my husband because he has put his family on hold becuase of the situation with his mother. she is draining him and our family. What should I do?




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 
Hello to all,
I have also been reading this site for several years. I am always amazed at how all the stories are so alike and the problems and issues people face while trying to love and help their loved one addicted to crack.
My story is really no different than any of the others I have read. I too fell madly in love with someone that kept his crack addiction a secret until I finally put all the lies and deceit together. I really felt like a fool because I am a Program Manger for children and family services in which I supervise social workers to provide services for families that are struggling with addiction and who as a result of their lifestyle and addiction have had their children removed by child protective services.
My story begins at my 20 year high school reunion…..I had recently realized that my marriage of 17 years was in big trouble and knew that I was looking at moving out from my husband since I had found him cheating….I was in a horrible emotional state. I reluctantly decided to attend my reunion, without him, at the begging of several of my close friends in town from out-of-state to attend the reunion. I didn’t attend the first night’s events, but did go the second evening. While at the reunion, I met, lets call him “c” again after not seeing him for about 10 years. He looked great. He had a wonderful career. He had never been married, no children, but was in a live-in relationship that he said was not going well at all. We shared our current relationship problems over the evening and decided that we could stay in touch via email to support each other with our heartaches. For the first couple of months after the reunion I never heard from “c” and had actually forgot about keeping in touch. My home life was a mess and I was looking at getting my own place soon. My husband and I were barely talking and when we did it was tense. My son who was a teenager voiced wanting to move with me if I moved out. I had a plan of saving up and getting finances in order for one year and then would move out. My husband and I agreed to separate bedrooms. Then one day out of the blue I received a phone call from “c” saying that he was in town visiting his parents and would like to get together for lunch. I agreed that would be okay, but for him to call and confirm the day and time since I am so busy with work. Well, I didn’t hear from “c” again for almost 4 months. I received a voice mail saying that he was a free man and that he had broken up with his girlfriend and was moving back to our home town. He said that he would love to get together with me and maybe some of our old friends when he gets here and gets settled. I didn’t hear from him again for about a month and then one day out of the blue he called and we got together for lunch. We talked and talked about high school days, our broken relationships and just had a great couple of hours over lunch together. I had no physical attraction to “c” since I truly only thought of him as a friend. Over the next couple of weeks, he would call and touch base about his job search and stuff and then one day he invited me to join him for a day trip to one of the tourist attractions in our town. I accepted and we spent a day enjoying the sights and talking. We set up a time to get together for dinner in the next few days. I showed up for the dinner and he never did. I assumed he forgot about it.
The next day I was at work and he showed up there explaining that he had been out with friends and was drinking and basically lost track of time. I thought that was odd, but told him that was okay. We continued to keep in touch over the next couple of months and met from time to time for lunch. He then told me that he was falling for me and would like to take our relationship further. I explained needing to think about this and would definitely like to take it slow. Over the next 4 months, “C” no-showed to things, had no explanation about where he was etc. The flags were flying really high, but he was so together otherwise. He found a great job, he made tons of money, he came from a wonderful, affluent family, “C” just did not look like an addict. I started really falling for him because when things were good they were perfect. I moved out of my home with my husband on schedule approximately one year after we had made the decision to split. “C” came over to my house a lot. My son really liked him and our total relationship grew. He eventually moved in with me. And for the first few months it was great. And then the staying out all night or going missing for a couple of days became the norm. I thought he had someone else on the side. I confronted him and he admitted to his crack addiction. I was floored, I couldn’t believe it. He begged for help and me being a social worker thought that I could get him the help he needed. This went on for 3 years, his using, me letting him back in and him repeating the cycle. My parents, his parents and all of our friends tried to help him. I finally had enough 2 years in August, I asked to move out of the house we shared together. Over the past 2 years, he calls me every couple of months from wherever he is working, he works in the oil field industry and travels a lot. He is always saying that he loves me more than anything and that he is going to get better. I will always love “c”, but I cannot be with him anymore. There is so much more that I could say and tell about the horrible things I went through with him, but it would take weeks to type out everything and who wants to read such depressive stuff anyway. My life is good again now, I have moved on. I wish “c” the best and I truly hope that he finally gets his self some help. He will always be the love of my life since I really fell in love with him and wanted us to make it. For anyone out there reading this, run, get away, you can’t change them. It is the saddest most addictive drug ever. It changes people, and it makes them selfish, and full of self destruction, which will eventually destroy you too. Be strong and tell them good-bye. Don’t let them talk you into just one more chance……….it doesn’t change……Love to you all!




-----Original Message-----
From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi Steve
 I've read your website with interest. I would mention first that I am in the UK. This is my story. My husband of 40 years recently left me for a girl he picked up on the street. It turned out that she is a crack cocaine addict. He originally was altruistic, and decided he'd try to help her kick the habit - along the way he says he's fallen in love with her. She claimed that she'd go to a local clinic run by the NHS and have an "implant" that would stop the addiction. Of course, my husband coughed up the money. I spoke to someone at Ask Frank and asked if there was such treatment, and they told me no there wasn't. I even called them back and got my husband to listen in on the call, but he refused to believe them Yesterday I saw him and he confessed that his girlfriend is still using crack cocaine, but she is now going into a private hospital to have a "real" implant! She claims that the doctor who gave her the first implant was just using her for sexual thrills and never did the implant - he has now been dismissed from his job!! I have tried hard to convince my husband that this woman is using him and will eventually bleed him dry. Obviously she is taking him for thousands of pounds, and equally obviously will dump him when she has practically bankrupted him. Needless to say, I am worried that he may start on our joint assets. To get to the point, I would like to know if there is really such an operation to implant some drug into either the navel or vagina to cure someone of this addiction. Also, is it possible for me to find any "official" literature that might convince my husband of the reality that there is no such thing? I'd be most grateful for any help that you can give
e




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 I just discovered your site this morning. My story... my husband didn't come home this past Saturday night, the day before my daughters 7th birthday. I called his cellphone over & over, he wouldn't take the call, or he'd hang up. Once he answered, he told me he was too messed up to drive home, wouldn't tell me where he was. I said you are either messing with someone else or doing something you shouldn't be messing with. It was the latter. The next morning, I get a call, he's checked himself into the hospital trying to get help.
I've shut down, you see, my children's biological father was 10 years older than me and grew up in the drug age, early 70's, he wasn't a user when we met, in fact became a Christian, no drinking or drugs, until he broke his ankle, then his addiction kicked back in--full force, unfortunately, so did his HepC. I left him in 4/02, he died in 10/02.
My current husband is/was the man of my dreams, everything I ever dreamed about as a child and wanted in a man. He knew how I felt about ANY KIND OF DRUGS. Come to find out over the past year, he's been using. My life right now feels like I'm living in a tunnel. But I know what I have to do, yes, he's checked himself in for treatment, but the first place he was in kicked him out because 2 guys were smoking pot in the bathroom and said he gave it to them. So, he got kicked out, yet they got to stay. Yesterday he came back to the house, I tried talking to him, why are you doing this to us, our marriage is wonderful, we both work, we are financially able to pay our bills, but to no avail did I get an answer. I had to fight with him to get him to go to the hospital and try to get in somewhere else, he's been accepted, I'm going today to get a restraining order so when he gets out he can't come back here.
My life as I knew it has fallen apart, when he told me this, all I could think of was here I go again..But..I am strong enough now to know what I need to do to protect myself and my kids, I won't live like this again.




 From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 I just wanted you to know your site has been very helpful to me. I am divorcing my husband of 19 years and it is not an easy thing to do but reading your article everyday for reinforcement has helped me. He has lost everything and is still in denial about his drug problem. I hope some day he can get his life back.
 I was reading the section on "Things They Say" and one of his many statements to me stands out which is, "I lost $160 at the bar. It must have fallen out of my pocket!" At the time I believed him but have since come to my senses. It is amazing how addicts lie; my soon-to-be ex-husband's life is now nothing but a lie. He has lost all of his friends and just uses people.  Yes, I was in denial for a while thinking I could help him but after we lost our home and him not wanting to work and bills piling up and credit cards he opened in his name with balances in the thousands it became too much for me and was not fair to my children.
 I want to thank you for putting this information out there for people like me who genuinely care about someone who has this addiction but need to save themselves and their families.
 Sincerely,
B




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Steve
The last time I wrote I was struggling to get child support from my ex CH. After finally getting a hearing thru my local c/s agency, the CH placed himself in a ministry for one year that he calls a drug rehab. But truthfully, everything I read on their website is geared towards ministry. My local c/s agency drug their feet for a year and we finally made it to a hearing after a year's wait. OMG! It was pathetic. Poor little old me I don't have a job. I'm a drug addict, I can't hold down a job because I have a drug problem. (that 's probably the only true statement that he made.) Since he was facing jail time, he claimed he was destitute to get free legal counsel. Yep! It worked! Yet he is married, has a home, etc. He pays 10% tithes to his church. (If I could get my hands on those tithing records!) So now we wait for another court date. By the way, he is held in high esteem by his church b/c he has been miraculously delivered from a lengthy drug addiction. Of course he has!! And how many times is this? I've lost count.
I'm hoping the court will be able to see through his lies and manipulation. I hope they will be able to see how this devout christian abuses drugs and neglects his paternal responsibility. Steve, when there are children involved the nightmare never ends. But I am determined that he is going to be compliant w/ his support just like he supports his habit and his church or he can just sit in jail and rehab there.
I keep remembering what you told me in one of your emails long ago - drugs and religion don't mix. How right you are!
 
from TX




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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: read 2 articles you wrote
 
Dear Steve, We read "thoughts and observations" and "2 questions everyone asks" and what you wrote explained so much so well. We plan on reading the whole web site. Our daughter has been a functioning addict for approx. 3 years. First it was meth, and she got off of it herself but felt quite lousy, got anxiety attacks, kidney problems etc. She tried other drugs and heard about a miracle drug, called suboxone. She did good with that and thought she could wean herself off of it quite quickly. She did relapse however. Says she doesn't know why she did it. Now she is realizing how poor her health is and how much damage she has done that her main and only goal is to feel healthy again. She is going into a detox facility tomorrow (Aurora in San Diego, Ca.). She thinks that 5 days will clean her out and that she will also get therapy while she's there. She also, is aware that she will need therapy after. Do you think this is hopeful for her recovering?
Please send us your thoughts, We would appreciate it and thankyou.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 I have been married to a CH for 17 years. I finally filed for divorce last week. We have a nice home, 2 fine sons and he has held the same job for years. He is a functioning addict. He has been to rehab 4 times. He can't get past the 6 month sobriety. Our credit cards are extremely high because he would nickel and dime me to death - on a daily basis. I believe I am as sick as him for staying as long as I have. There are still moments when I wonder if I'm doing the right thing - leaving him. That's how sick I am. I'm pushing myself everyday not to give into him. "I can do it this time .............I love you ............ don't do this to the kids." Please - pray for me. I can do this.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 DEAR STEVE ,
I AM MARRIED 2 A CRACKHEAD. i TRULY LOVE MY HUSBAND SO WHATEVER HE ASKED FOR I WOULD GIVE HIM. HE WONT KEEP A JOB,  HE IS A UNSHAMEFUL LIAR. I AM AN ENABLER BECAUSE, I KEPT GIVING HIM MONEY , I KEPT LETTING HIM COME BACK ,ALTHOUGH HE HAS PULLED A DEER RIFLE ON ME TWICE AND HE HAS CHEATED ON ME A NUMBER OF TIMES HE HAS CONTINUOSLY THREATENED ME AND WHEN I DONT GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS HE GETS EXTREMELY PISSED OFF . HE STAYS UP ALL NIGHT AND SLEEPS DURING THE DAY HE DISSAPPEARES WHENEVER HE GETS PAID AND SHOWS BACK UP WHEN HE GETS BREAK I AM RECLAIMING MY LIFE AND I HAVE FILED FOR A DIVORCE SO MANY OF THE THINGS THAT CRACK HEADS SAY HAS COME ACCROSS HIS LIPS AND I ACTUALLY HATE HIM. 




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
  My daughter is 19 in the best of times she wasn’t well. She is bi-polar and borderline schizophrenic. We have had trouble with her for years, but now I have become aware she is smoking crack. She lives on the streets or in abandoned houses, with no utilities. I have heard that she is prostituting herself, recently she had a miscarriage. I don’t know what to do. We have other children who are fine, going to college, a son in Iraq, high school or working and raising families. In total we have 13 children we are a blended family. We did our best raising them I don’t know what I did differently with Echo (my troubled daughter) than we did with the other kids.
I am thankful for your web site in reading it I am becoming aware that I am not to blame for the things she does, I have struggled with this for sometime now. I am a Christian our family goes to church regularly and I pray constantly for her well being. Perhaps I should be praying for my well being as well.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Crack Reality Email
 Steve,
 I just read your letter about Crack on your website. Wow! How real! My husband is a crack addict and I have tried to make it work for 8 years this October. I can’t do it anymore. I am working to sell our house and move my son and I into an apartment. He can be on the street. I cant put myself thru this anymore. Any advice?




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 My name is Martha and I met a guy and really feel in love. I was so happy and felt so complete but after a month and a half I started noticing the changes in him, then I found out he was smoking crack. I begged and pleaded to no avail. I prayed and prayed and then I realized that I was dealing with something I couldn't control or change. The heartache I felt was so tremendous but I had to walk away from a walking dead man, I love Boone with all my heart but I can't fix him, he has to want help and he doesn't. I will always pray for him as will I love him, but now it will be from a distance. Please pray for him if you read this as I Pray for the lives of all those that have this burden because of crack cocaine. Thank You and May God Bless You All.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story
 Dear Steve,
 this site hits home for me and my family my 40 year old shell of a brother whom i love very much is a CH i could hardly let myself even type the letters
 this has been going on for so long that it almost seems normal the painhe causes the family is unspeakable then to look into his sad eyes i think maybe its not his fault its the drug dealers fault for giving him the drugs its the cops fault for not catching the drug dealers its our fault for allowing him to get away with this He once had a home a wife three kids a couple of cars a boat and a great job now he has an old trailer giving to him by our mom we can not even put it in his name because he would give it to the dealers he has not seen his kids in seven years their mom left state with them long ago he holds on to jobs by the skin of his teeth and he has no problem begging for money he can go throu 2000 in 3 days and then beg our mom who is a widow for money his argument is you have the money you know im good for it (he is not) it does not stop there our 80 year old grandmother also a widow he will gladly take her last 5 dollars without a second thought My sister is furius with us saying we are helping him kill his self she dont know the half of it HE comes to visit when he owes so much to the dealers he is hiding he starts freaking us out by saying how thier going to kill him if he just had a 1000 he could hold them off i wonder if his life is really in danger wouldnt we be in danger to with him here? so we pay the ransom how could we go on knowing a 1000 could save him and we said no but it does not stop it is a never ending cycle when he wants money he will harras my mom at work once he called her over 20 times in one day untill she caved and borrowed the money from the bank he picked his money the tears turned to a smile and never even a thank you as Her frustration turned to tears He is a 40 year old child unless it suits him like when we say pay your bills i want to just slap him his bills are crack dealers he will not pay utilities that is for the family to pay he does not by grocerys or even his own clothes or cigerettes that is for the family to pay he is capable of making 4000 a month or more and sometimes he does he may even pay back a couple of bucks but beware because the next day he will be back for it DOUBLE this all seems to be so unfair it sometimes feels like the only one not hurting is him i mean lets face it he is high as a kite while we are crying ourselves to sleep worrying about him So far i have painted a pretty ugly picture i know why do we put up with it LOVE, PITY, MAYBE THIS IS THE LAST TIME ,HE HAS NOBODY ELSE,HE WILL LEAVE US ALONE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS,GUILT FOR THINKING ABOUT HIM LEAVING US ALONE,WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HIM HOW COULD WE LIVE WITH IT,THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO HIM HOW COULD WE TURN ON THAT SIDE OF HIM to see him cry break you into a 1000 pieces its hard to think he does not care about our tears he only cares about his next fix. Once a good looking man now he is pale with yellow teeth and a smell to his skin that can not be washed away. I hear people talk about ch laughing and joking if they only knew i have my very own and its not as cut and dry as they think.CH dont fall from the sky someone loves them and hurts for them and its no joking matter. I appaud the people on this site who broke away from the horror of the CH in their life however my family is for from being throug being used lied to threatend with poor me stories one day when my mom is broken and my father and grandmother are gone and my sister has finally disowned us when there is nothing left for him to take he will walk over the crumbs of what was once a good loving family without a second thought moving on to his next fix like a shark in the ocean but not nearly as beautiful then i wonder who is to blame him? me? my family? the dealers? at this point does it even matter anymore? well thats all i have time to write because he is waiting for me to pick him up its time to hide out from the dealers again we hide in plain site with the whole world laughing as they live nomals lives like WE used to.        sincerly, broken in the name of love




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 STEVE-THANK YOU AND GOD FOR THIS SITE.
MY HUSBAND HAS ALWAYS HAD A PROBLEM WITH CHEMICALS AND HE KNEW IT.FROM THE AGE OF 12. 4 YRS INO  OUR MARRIAGE HE STARTED SMOKING COKE. WE HAD ALOT OF PROBLEMS AND HE QUIT. WE HAVE NOW BEEN MARRIED 25 YRS AND I FOUND OUT HE WAS SMOKING CRACK FOR AT LEAST 9 MONTHS AND I WOULD SUGGEST FOR 1 1/2 YRS. I MAY BE WRONG.
HE WENT TO A GOV'T DR AND IS TAKING PILLS FOR WITHDRAWLS AND THE URGES. HE REALLY DID  WANT TO QUIT. HE HATES HIS SELF RIGHT NOW. IN A LONG STORY PUT SHORT. WHEN HE STOPS THIS MEDICINE IN A FEW MONTHS, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF HIM GOING BACK TO CRACK. I DON'T KNOW IF ANYTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME BECAUSE OF ALL THE MONEY AND LIES. PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND. I THINK OF THIS 24 HOURS A DAY AND IT IS ALL DRIVING ME CRAZY. I WANT TO BELIEVE IN HIM. THANKS
JUST CALL ME STUPID INSTEAD OF MY REAL NAME

C




 From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com; "<steve"@crackreality.comsteve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit my Story
 i met my husband in high school. i was 16 he was 15. he was the athletic type, that looked down on people who did drugs. he would occasionally have a beer or two. when we were about 19 we got an apartment together. everything was going great, until his father came into the picture. he has been a drug addict for years. my husband and him went out one night and his father offered him crack. that was in 2003. four years later, my life is in turmoil. he has been to rehab numerous times. he has sold two cars of mine for crack, we have lost every place we have had to live. wedding rings have been pawned. i have really lost everything i have ever owned. i stayed with him thinking i could help him. we even had a child together. who is now two.when i was pregnant i can remember him asking me to go to the store with him, and he would end up taking me to the crack house to get his fix. i rememeber riding down the road with the window rolled down screaming at people on the side of the road for help to get me out because i didn't want to get caught at a crack house. i even went as far as pretending to go into labor thinking he would take me to the hospital and forget the crack, but that did not work. he has left me at work numerous times because he was getting high. when our child was 6 weeks old, he began having medical problems so we took him to the doctor, my husband smoked crack in the bathroom of the pediatrician's office, and when we got home i got the baby out of the car and i was behind the car holding the baby getting something out of the trunk and he tried to run us over to get out of the driveway to go to the crack house. the very next day i had to take my son to the emergency room and he had to have emergency surgery and my husband was still on a crack binge with no way of getting in touch with him. through all these things i stayed by his side and always took him back thinking i could help him. as i right this right now, my husband has been missing for two days. on a binge. i have all of his clothes packed up and i have a meeting with a divorce lawyer in the morning. with the help of some amazing friends i have come to realize i can not change him. i have to focus on my son. he is my responsibility and he needs me because his father is not around. i pray that he is still alive, and i will always love him with all my heart, but i can no longer live life like this. because of the stress i have had medical problems and i am on medication for his drug abuse! i pray for every person that has an addict in their life because i beleive with all my heart that it is harder on the person than the addict.
c b




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 my 50 yr old ch brother says he has not used for months. he has not changed his life style at all and still lives in a room behind a bar. he went to my moms house last Sunday morning in a rage looking for $$$$. my mom is in wheel chair from a stroke. by the time I got there he was gone. how can you stop for months and go into such a rage. I am sure he is still using and was jonesing real bad. the next time she will call 911 then me.
D D  




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story 
Dearest Steve,
I am so grateful for your website. I am a professional in the field of child welfare and have met many people struggling with their addictions over the past 15 years and until I met and fell in love and began a personal relationship with someone addicted to crack cocaine, I never truly understood the devastation this drug can cause to families. I won’t go into every sad and disgusting detail of my experience with (lets call him precious) because he was once a precious human being, before crack took over his life. Precious literally had the world at his fingertips and everything he touched would turn to gold for him. I knew him in high school and then reunited with him at our 20 year reunion. He had never married and I was going through the end of an 18 year marriage. He was absolutely spotless! His career was going well and we were crazy about one another. We started a relationship once I was ready and for about one year it was magical. He began to turn up missing for a couple a days and would always have reasons why and at the time they made perfect sense. It eventually became crystal clear there was a huge problem. I thought it was him seeing someone else. He came clean and told me about his drug problem. And at this time, it was almost unbelievable to me. Precious was as clean cut as they came and certainly did not look the type, but he was definitely in trouble. Me being a social worker and knowing all the treatment options immediately said that we could get through this together. Unfortunately, Precious only played the game of getting better and continued to use whenever he could and would stay gone longer since he said he knew I would be mad anyway. I spent three long years chasing him out of crack houses, nursing him back from longer and longer binges and cleaning up messes with our family and friends.
I don’t regret trying to support and help him through this addiction. I love him very much and would do anything to help, but I had to come to the understanding that I wasn’t helping, but rather enabling. I asked Precious to seek help (residential rehab) or leave and he chose to leave. This was two years ago now. He calls me sporadically and is always saying that he is going to stop using, but since our relationship has gotten deeper and deeper into the addiction and has financially ruined himself over and over. He has parents that tend to bail him out of financial problems with him promising to not do the drugs anymore. The last time I saw Precious was about 4 months ago. He looked older and had much difficulty remembering things and having a basic conversation. This is a man with two degrees and a career that most would die for. I love him dearly and always will, but I love myself more and I can’t allow him to destroy me and I don’t want to watch while he destroys himself. Life is good now. I do think of him and I do wish him the best. To anyone out there reading this struggling with their loved one and the most horrible addiction in the world. Please run, don’t allow them to ruin your life. I have a problem believing that Crack addicts every fully recover. I have not met one yet that doesn’t think about it, dream about and want to use again. 
Be strong----send them away, with love and hope!
C




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 First of all, I have been married to a man who has been suffering from a crack addiction since 1988. We have been married 34 yrs. We married at a very young age and raised three children. We now have grandchildren. I am so co-dependent on this person. He goes to work everyday but the day of payday he will use again. He gives me his money every payday but it is not what it should be. He pawns things out of the house. It is frustrating to come home and  have things missing. My husband has lost several jobs due personality conflicts on the job.
 In year 2006 my husband lost his job and he did go to a rehab facility. I supported him through the whole thing. He completed a 30 days rehab program. This is not the only rehab he's been in but it was the longest he'd ever stayed in. He found a job a month later and was doing okay for awhile. He occasionally comes out of his fog and decides he's going to do better. I feel he honestly does try.
 The reason I stayed in the beginning was due to finance and having to raise my children. Although, my husband has been addicted to crack for almost 20 yrs. his children still love him. He has talked to them about his problem and telling them and their friends not to get in involve in drugs.
 I know I need to leave but for some reason I still stay.  I do not want my children to bare the  burden of taking care of their father because they deserve a life with their family without this burden.
 Maybe one day he will wake up and decide this is it, and no longer feel the craving for this drug. I know this is wishful thinking or idealistic thinking on my part.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 Hello Steve,
 My name is Sharon. I am currently working as a substance abuse counselor here in Stanislaus County. While I love my job, I find myself under a great deal of stress due to the fact that I have my own addiction going - that of being in a relation ship with someone who has been abusing drugs since the age of 9, is now 53, and uses the fact that he is an amputee as a reason to go through unreal amounts of morphine, norco, and tops it off with a run or two, every month or so, of crack. I have divorced this man, left him so many times it is embarrassing and am now finding that I have almost lost my sense of self. I worked as a mental health counselor for a number of years and thought I had pretty much left this person alone, but just like every other addict, I keep allowing him back into my life, creating all the choas and uproar, financial troubles, usavory people coming and going from my house when I'm at work, and thinking that somehow this time it will be DIFFERENT, when I know in some part of my pea brain that is not going to be the case, EVER. I am so upset with myself for once again being in a position that makes my stomach churn 24 - 7.   
 I just found this site a couple of days ago and have been reading many ot the posts and articles. They ring so very true. I am at this time packing boxes, one or two at a time, and putting them in a storage unit. I have to be careful as to how much I disclose to this person, because he becomes very angry if I even suggest that this relationship is not a good thing for either one of us. His initial comments have to do with "what will I do, how will I live, I'll be on the street, just take EVERYTHING because I can't carry it on my back." These remarks only serve to PISS me off at this point and quite frrankly, I don't give a DAMN if he sleeps in the park or by the river.
 I really don't know why I wanted to write to you, I guess it is because I was thrilled to read about things that I know are happening to me and that I'm not alone (even though I know that, it's just nice to find a place where others know how it feels.) Thank you for being there and I will be keeping you posted as to my recovery process from this awful thing called being a family member of someone who is lost in the world of CRACK




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 
I appreciate your website, two years ago it saved me a lot of time stressing on what "I couldn't change"
Today
the person in my life who was using crack
Is not using crack
Today "he is part of the 20%"
and he took the time to read what you wrote
I didn't "abandon" him in his addiction
but I "stopped thinking that I could do anything"
and I recognized that "he was lost"
He is back
and he is part of the "successes"
there is hope
don't forget hope
J




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi Steve
My name is Kimberly. My husband is a crack addict. We recently seperated and my heart is broken. I have never been so close to someone or loved someone the way I love him. I know I have done the right thing but it hurts so much. He is already with someone else, a crack addict just like him. We have been through so much together I just have a very hard time accepting everything that has happened. I have read your info on your web site and it is painfully true. What makes our story a little diffrent is I work for the Police department. I am a 911 dispatcher in a small town where everybody knows everybody so when I come to work the officers usually have seen him during the day with the other woman and they always tell me. I is so painful to hear. I love him with al my heart but I know we can never be together again. I just don't know how or if I will ever get over him.
I don't know whether to thank you or not, the truth hurts.
Peace, K
I would love a reply if possible, due to the nature of my job I really don't have anyone to talk to.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hey Steve,  
My brother-in-law a Sheriff in Palm Beach County emailed your site, thankfully.  I called him because we are at a loss as to what to do next with our 19 year old son a crack user.  He likes getting high.  As you can guess he is brilliant smart, handsome, malulative, a hard worker…  He was clean for 6 months living with his girlfriend when he used again.  He was staying with us until he could get into a half way house, we asked him to leave 3 weeks ago.  He was clean for the 2 weeks with us; his body was but did not see any improvements with the head.  He has been living with other crack users the past 3 weeks.  He called last night to say he needed his title for his $300 car.  He is coming over here at 11:00am.  I am not going to give him the title, I totally believe in what you say about hitting bottom. My brother-in-law suggested filing papers for the Marchman Act to at least give him some clean time as he is skin and bones. What do you think about that?




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Website
 I just for the first time saw your website. Some of the things I read under "thoughts and observations" felt like you had a camera in my home and wrote about what you saw. I felt somewhat stupid because I was with this man for 11 years. Stayed with him while he was in and out of prison. I guess I had lived a rather sheltered life before I met him. Went from living with my parents, to living with my ex husband to getting divorced and being on my own for the first time in my life and very unfortunately meeting this man "S" that ruined my life. I say ruined my life because I now have genital herpes and endured several miscarriages being with this man. I never knew a thing about addiction. I have never been into drugs or alcohol myself. So I knew nothing. You are right he did size me up and saw a newly divorced, nieve woman. And he did exactly what you wrote on this website. I have been able to keep my head above water with the help of my family financially, however they do not know all of the emotional torture I have been through, and frankly I am too embarrassed to tell them about it. Not to mention it hurts too much. I had this man locked up myself for 2 and 1/2 years for nearly biting my finger off in a drunken crack rage and STILL let him back thinking being locked up and going to drub rehab there cured him. Not the case. He is worse now than I have ever seen him. In the past 8 months he has dropped about 35 pounds and looks like he has aged 15 years. He has lied, cheated, and hit me. I have just kicked him out of my house 3 weeks ago. He calls nearly daily. He blames me for everything. NOT his addiction, what addiction right? He says he loves me but not what I do. What I do is catch him at his messing around and drugs. I found out he has fathered I don't know how many children in the 11 years of us being together, with other female drug addicts. Just a nightmare. And now I am left doing the best I can. I have a few physical problems from abuse but nothing major, and I have emotional scars that feel like they will never heal. When I get some extra money I will purchase your book. In the mean time I am finding your website most helpful. I am in the early stages of saying "no" for the first time in 11 years. I know I sound stupid, but I can assure you I am an intelligent woman who works hard and loves her family. I just need to find a way to love myself again, and deal with what I have left of me. How can someone so weak (drug addict) take so much of a good person? Apparently I am not alone here. Thanks for the info on your site. D




-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Cc:
Subject: My story.
 Hello. Here is my story. I met G two years ago in August. I was 28 and he was 38 yrs old. He was charming, sensitive, caring, loving, giving and funny... Everything that i wanted in a man. We started dating and we had tons of fun together. We would go to dinner, movies, out for long walks, the beach, etc... We would talk for hours on end about everything. We would laugh at the stupidest stuff you would ever think of. I was falling in love. He told me he loved me and how I was the nicest, sweetiest girl he'd ever met. I didn't notice the RED flags till I look back. He was 38, he lived with his mother, he had NO car, NO job, and he seemed lost. He had an ex wife with 3 children that lived accross the country. He never saw them. Everything was perfect for about 2 months. (i work 2nd shift 3-11)...
He started calling my cell phone around 10 times a night asking where I was, if I was dating someone else. ( i was like NO i'm at work why would u think that?) He would call my job to make sure that I was actually there. He would call repeditly demanding to speak w/ the supervisor. (i got written up for those calls). So I told him to stop I would see him after work, that we needed to talk.
When I went to talk to him that night, he grabbed my purse and immediatly took out my cell phone, he checked the numbers that I had called, and how many "men's" nbrs I had in there, demanding to know who they were. I was like this is my boss, this is my old friend, why do u care i'm with you, I love you! I asked him what the hell was wrong with him, why he was acting like this.. He told me he was just paranoid that i was going to leave him for someone else. Bizarre I thought.
One night I was at work, his mom had called my cell# and told me that G got arrested & he was in jail for crack possession and stealing a car!!! After he got out the next day, we had a long talk. He told me that he was a crack addict, and he had this problem for 18 yrs. I was in total shock. I was Never on drugs, or around them. The most I ever did in life was drink.
He asked me if I wanted him still and I said Of course, I love you. I thought we'd fix the problem, so we went to AA meetings, 3x per week. We stayed away from bars, and any triggers. He was doing fine for a few weeks. Then he went into rehab, for a few weeks, he got out clean and sober and then back to the crack 2 weeks later... I was so upset. I didn't know what to do, I prayed to God to help him. His mom at this point threw him out of the house.
So I took him in my apartment. This was a nightmare. The 1st night there, I came home to a man that was sweating, heart racing, knife in his hand, sitting on the couch... I was terrified, so I went to sleep upstairs. A few hours later he came in my room, woke me up screaming that I had a man in there with me. I was like "honey there is nobody here". He searched my room, threw dressers upside down, looked everywhre for this "invisible" man. I thought he was crazy. His eyes were so wide, i thought this can't be happening. What is going on. I got out of bed and told him to come to bed. He layed with me and I held his head, kissing him. He started to cry and told me how much he was sorry that It wasn't his fault, he would stop using. He was so sweaty, his heart pounding 200 beats a minute, this poor soul. I cried to myslef as I stroked his hair. he eventually fell asleep.
The next night I come home from work and there were knives baracading the front door so I couldn't get in, so i went in thru the back, asked him what was goin on? He told me that the cops were outside... I told NO nobodys outside. He was sitting w/ a knife in his hand, and eye's buldging out of his head. G you need to go back to rehab honey i told him... a few days later he went back in for 5 days this time. Got out and he started using again. I was so scarred of him I used to lock my door at night when I slept. He would say very hurtful things to me, call me names, and tell me I"m no good. He would be up for days and nights, then sleep for 2 days straight. This was killing me! This man I loved seeing KiLLING himself slowly. I was afraid to go to work cuz if I came home I was afraid I would find him dead of an overdose. I didn't know what to do, so I called his mother, she told me to KICK him out. I told her that I couldn't do that, he had no where to go. She said "C you have been through this for 10 months, i've been living thru this for 18 yrs, he's not going to change". So the next night I came home and didn't know what to expect. ( i had NO one to talk to about this I was totally alone, I didn't want to tell my friends because I was ashamed, didn't want my family to worry).
I walked in the door and he got up and threw a candle at me. Then he pinned me up against the wall accusing me of sleepin around on him. I finally got out of his grip ran outside and called the police, I had enough of this!!! The police came and arrested him, and gave me a restraining order. (the police officer asked how I met such a man, with a rap sheet 2 miles long) (I told him I didn't know much about his past, he told me to stay farrrrr away from him cuz he's trouble, he's been in and out of jail since he's been 18 yrs old). I was shocked again.
The next few weeks were horrible, I missed the Good G sooooooooo much, I wondered how he was, where he was, who he was with? He called me at work a lot, and I refused to give him my #. But gave it to him, cuz I didn't want to get fired. He told me how sorry he was. He told me how much he loved me and how he was going to change, how he was going to quit using crack. He missed me and wanted me back. I told him that I couldn't go back until he quit using. He would call 3x per day to say how much I meant to him.
Of course I wanted to believe him, but I was terrified of him. He stayed out of trouble for 2 weeks after he left my house. His mom called me from the hospital in August, and told me that G broke her jaw and tried to strangle her. That he was in custody in jail. I was totally shocked!!!! He wrote me a letter telling me how he wanted to change his life, go back to college and become something, how much he loved me and missed me. How NO other girl could hold a candle to me. He was sentenced to 1 yr in jail. He just got released last month. HE hasn't contacted me at all, no letters, or calls. I'm very very hurt by this, because our relationship was so close. I lost my best friend/lover. I guess in a way i'm very lucky that it wasn't me that got hurt. I just hope and pray that he stays away from the CRACK-dam Devil's drug. I hope he changes for the better. All we can do is hope and pray for a better man to come out of G. Hopefully God will take him under his wing and heal him from his addiction. God bless you all, and this board for finally opening my eyes about this evil, horrible drug. Thank you Steve for creating this wonderful webspace. Thank you for reading God bless.
 
C
 M




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi Steve,
 My name is Nancy and I fell in love with a CH 3 years ago. Tonight he is out on a date...he doesn't know that I know... It was my understanding we were exclusive. He "used" a week ago. Prior to that a month and prior to that 6 months because he lived with me in NY. I live in NY he in Fla. that is when he is not here with me in NY. He was clean for 13 months shortly after we met and he moved in with me. As soon as he moved back to Fla. he used. I have supported him and his kids and obviously helped him out of numerous jams. Stolen cars..western union...things that I would never in my life dream of. I am a teacher with 2 masters degrees so I am not stupid by any means but this is just beyond me. I have never used or experimented with drugs. I gave up drinking for the 13 months he was clean...to be supportive even though I only occasionally drank.
 He never uses in NY. He always relapses in Fla. He says he needs to be there (fl) for his kids (2 young boys ages 11 and 15). I earn a very good salary..he has never taken anything from me..I guess I mean by stealing...but I have supported him and his children at times. In fact last weekend I went to Fla to visit and I paid for dinner and then for dinner with the kids because he only gets paid once a month...but he is out tonight...
  When he needed a car I bought one which he pays back monthly. I paid first month and security on 2 apartments at different times so he could be close to his kids. At times he has verbally (or through e-mail) abused. So many things in your book apply to me. I have even spoken to a dealer once to get money to help him get his car back...this while I was trying to teach a class of kindergarteners..
Yet why tonight to I feel like I have lost something...our families go back a long way....our moms were childhood bestfriends...my grandmother helped his grandmother with her depression issues and his great grandmother helped my Aunt through some health issues over 60 years ago. When I met him 3 years ago I thought it was fate...at his daughter's wedding...I knew he had some problems but never imagined.
My gut tells me to be strong right now, don't e-mail or call...but I think it is my hope that he will realize what he lost. How could he date...but it's not the first time. Everytime he goes back to Florida he thinks he needs to make a life there with his kids...and I become disposable...yet the only time he is not getting high is when he is with me in NY. He thinks I am controlling. I am 46 years old, never married. He is 51 married and divorced 3x.
Anyway, sorry to take up so much time. But if you have any words of advice for me I would appreciate it. I bought your book last year read it and then he moved back for 5 months...3 with his son...I am heartbroken for the addiction...I have cancelled his credit cards more times than you can imagine because of the activity in undesirable areas...me the person with a home in the Hamptons, NY...perfect credit living life...not bragging but I am very responsible...maybe that was the draw...until 3 years ago...I thought my life began the day I met him and now he sits with someone else with the money I put in the bank for him...
Thanks for listening. I am glad things are well for you and thanks for the education your book has provided for those of use who thought they could change someone with love...
Fondly,
N




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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 Hi, I caught my husband smoking crack while I was at work. He was smoking crack with our two children in the house, under his care. My daughter is 19 months and my son 5. He admits to smoking for 1 year which means my daughter was around 5 months of age when he started, again. He has smoked crack for 23 years now. He tells me he has been clean for 6 years on his own. I don't think I believe him. However, he has been 'normal' up until one year ago. He is manipulating, controlling (especially with sex, he gets angry if it's not enough), a liar, work fanatic, and obviously a poor father. Prior to me finding out through a tape recorder and spying in the woods he was emotionally draining me. I am pretty confident that I am no longer 'in love' with him. I have provided a very supportive and comfortable home for our family and it has all been destroyed. I don't trust him, I have been through this with him 7 years ago and he is doing the same exact things to get himself help as far as going to church is concerned ( I am not falling for it by the way). One thing he is doing is seeing a psychologist, has a sponsor and is going to AA/NA meetings. This is his 6th meeting. I ordered your book. We are presently separated and he is paying all the bills. I did not mention that we are financially comfortable because of his work ethic, intelligence and so forth. He desperately wants his family back but I am scared to take him back. I feel this is a vicious cycle. So my question is, do you think he is on the right path to recovery. He is open and honest about using again.....
R S




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: MY STORY
Hello!! Its 2AM ...Just got off ur site ....Im compelled to share this story with everyone!!
Im 60 years old ... deaf ... mother of 1 son and 1 daughter, both CH.
My son is in prison due to crck and drugs ...
My daughter has been on drugs, crack and alcohol for 20 years!!
In 1996, I retired, moved closer to my family in N.C., thinking my daughter wold be alright.
I had to move back to Fla. in 2001 ... due to her drugs.
She was the mother of 3 boys, HER NAME IS L.
In 2002, she disappeared, abaondoned the boys, at age 11, 8 and 6.
I took the boys in, and in 2006, at Xmas time, I adopted them.
She has been in and our of our lives since then .... coming back to us ... swearing off the drugs .... and always relapsing!!
Ive had her in Rehab, counseling, clinics ... everything ...
Just 3 weeks ago, she took my car, stole her sons 200.00 that he worked so hard for after school ... and relapsed again!!
She OD'd on pills, in front of her oldest son, now 16 ....
She called from the hospital ... "begging for another chance". i FLAT OUT told her NO WAY!!
She was baker acted. Left the hospital .... and went back to the streets and drugs.
She's left me BROKE!!
I Love Her so much ... then again .. I catch myself HATING HER for all she has done, all these years!!!!
The oldest boy, now 16, has left my home because of all this!! He cant deal with it anymore!!!
And Im afraid he will follow his Mother in the same foot steps.
She has Stolen from all her friends, and mine .... Prosituted herself on the streets ....she's done it all!!!
And she was a Beautiful child!!! Now, at age 37, she looks 50.
IM DONE WITH HER FOR GOOD!!
After reading these stories on this site ... I realize so much more now!!! I cant help her!!! And I will not enable her ever again!!!
Im not in good health ... but Im hanging on for the boys, now age 16, 13 and 11.
I do not trust her, she lies ... then cries .. swears she wont do it again.
It's SO HARD to let a child go!!! But Ive asked God to help me during this time and all the years that Ive gone thru with her and my son over CRACK COCAINE.
God bless everyone who suffers from this addiction!!!
God help us all!!!
Thank You So Much ... there's a lot more to this story of LISA ... but it brings out too many painful memories ...
Thank You!!! J M 




-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi Steve,
 A few weeks ago, my husband and I ordered your book. It really helped us clear things up in our minds and hearts. Unfortunately, each side of our family is threaded with addiction, so we were able to recognize immediately the destructive enabling behavior of ourselves. After verifying with professionals, the step we took is to totally ignore him until he wants help and makes the decision to be crack free - no drug free. We also realize it probably won't happen the first, second, third, fourth time. So we wait in this purgatory for that moment or the morgue telephone call. We are ordering four more of your books today for our family around the U.S. My husband and I feel that the entire family MUST be on the same page. We were wondering if you could send to the various addresses for us. If you sent to us, it would delay in the family receiving this valuable information. 
Thank you again, Steve, for the book and balls to give us the
information straight up!
 All the best,
K C




-----Original Message-----
From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit my story
 Hi Steve,
I am writing to thank you for the information I found on your site.Your "THINGS ENABLERS SAY" page, in particular. My husband and I have been together for 24 years, and are fortunate enough to have raised a beautiful straight headed daughter who doesnt use drugs. Unfortunately, our sisters haven't been so lucky. Sister #1 has a child who is hooked on H and has no plans to quit because HE LIKES IT. He has no job, no insurance, and a 2 year old baby to his H wife. Sister #1 is a coker and alcoholic leads a clean life now. She goes to church & has a good job. 
Sister #2 just found out her husband is a CH, and has been for years without her knowing. He used a prescripton to get off C as few weeks back when she found out about his addiction (She left for a week and threatened divorce). He quit taking the pills and has been on a C spree for 4 days now, so far at a cost of $4,000. They have been together for 25 years, and he makes alot of money and shares all of it with her.  
My husband and I told sister #2 to get the hell out of dodge and come here to stay for a few days. Shes going nuts trying to find him,and watching him drain HIS bank online account every day. 
Sister #1 doesnt agree. She thinks CH will OD if sister #2 comes here, and sister#2 will be responsible for his death becasue she didn t stay and wait for him. Sister #1 thinks he needs a hug when he gets home, not an angry wife to confront him. Sister #1 thinks the CH should be given a daily allowancew and be allowed to be a CH at home , where its safe.
 I love both siters dearly, but dont agree with sister #1. I just saw the things she told sister #2 on your "Things Enablers say page" At least now we dont think we are the only sane people in this crazy CH saga that is gripping oru whole family.
Thanks!




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story 
Hi there again!  
I first submitted my story on September 12, 2006 about my stepfather and sister and at that time I was fearful of the fact when my stepfather got out of rehab/half-way home that he would go right back to his old ways and bring my mother down. Well, I was NOT wrong. He got out in June and it now just November and my mother is behind with all her bills, her cell phone is constantly off and she is depressed, miserable and unhappy. HE has gotten out and went right back to his old ways after being in rehab 2 1/2 years. The way I see it, he never ever had any intentions of being clean in the "real world" if he could start right back almost immediately after getting out. I said before that I hate him and nothing has changed, but for my mother's sake I have put up with him - just for her sake. I know that she has chosen this man for YEARS and for some reason just believes in him wholeheartedly. Except one week ago, she calls to say she is done this time and that she just can't take it anymore. But she is still there with him and telling me she doesn't feel like talking to me. She is miserable because of HIM and she is blocking me out. I know that I have to let her live her life, but I have always felt he was going to be the death of her and unfortunately, I feel it coming sooner than later now that he is out and back in her life. He is useless and she just doesn't see it.
 I have read here on this site that an addict really can beat this drug, but I am hopeless in believing my mother's husband ever will. I have a request though, any one reading this - would you please join me in a prayer line in praying for my mother's release from this man? I truly hope she will get away and away for good this time. I am sure a 32 year relationship can't be easily broken, but surely being used and abused for 32 years just has to get old at some point.
 On a lighter note, my sister is doing well. Got her certificate for daycare work and is taking care of the two children she has in her custody and keeps in touch on a daily basis with the two she lost during her heavy crack use days. She still doesn't talk to me, but I continually send love and well wishes through her children and any one else who may talk to her. I do hear great things about her these days so I pray she keeps it together and wish her nothing but the best.
 Thanks so much for listening and please pray for my mother.




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 Dear Steve and Readers,
 Wow, what a difference two years free from  my crack addicts drama makes in a persons life! I must admit that I find myself wondering about my ex-boyfriend from time to time. I specifically wonder and hope that he is still alive. I tend to hear from him from time to time, but I haven’t heard a thing in about 3 months. I wish only the best for him and his very special parents who have supported him throughout the years (12 to be exact) with his on-going drug problems. For me it is almost like a really, really bad dream that I have finally woke up from. Being a social worker that assists and supports people with addiction to regain custody of their children, I feel like I failed my ex because I wasn’t able to help him with his awful cycle of destruction, but I do know that I did everything I could to help him out. Again, for those of you still out there struggling with the sleepless nights and worry about your loved one, I send my deepest thoughts and prayers. Please get the point where you can let go because I know from my own personal nightmare of dealing with this drug that it doesn’t get any better. You will get older and more tired and more hopeless, but the drug always wins in the end and we can’t change that. Stay strong and walk away. Save yourself and enjoy your life because life with a person addicted to crack is no way to live.
C




-----Original Message-----
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Subject: Thanks for your Website!
 Dear Steve,
 I just so happened to come across your website today and wanted to drop you a quick email to tell you thank you for all of the great info you have on there. My name is Janelle and I am trying to get over an ex boyfriend who suffers from a crack addiction. I have been through so many of the things that you mention and more. We were together for 3 years, basically a common law type marriage - bank accounts, apartments, families - everything together. In July, one week before my 21st birthday, I found out that he was smoking crack and snorting heroin for 8 months (or more - who knows) behind my back. I stayed with him through his withdrawals, went with him to rehab meetings, and was there for moral support. One night after working for 10 hours straight I came home to find him completely drunk on liquor (he's an alcoholic too). He then beat me up and took my car and money- everything. Thank God I was so close to his family because they got everything back for me and helped make the break up easier. I moved in with my mom and then started school (MSU) about 1 month later. For a while, I was so confused about why he lied to me about it -why didn't he come to me so I could help him? He was my best friend and we partied together, so I wondered why this was different. After reading your website, I realized that there is nothing I could have done because only he can understand his addiction and only he can stop. My heart still hurts because I loved this guy so much and gave him everything, and got nothing back from it (well, except a small bank account, bruises, and a broken heart). He still calls and tries to be friends with me. he is staying at his aunt's and recently went back into an intensive rehab. He will be getting out tomorrow and I don't know what to do. i mean I really don't want to talk to him any more ( no good can or will come out of it), but I don't know if I should cut him off all together or let him know that we are through. I also read that it's not really him that I'm talking to (which I completely believe - that he was "taken over") and that he won't comprehend, or really care for that matter, what I have to say. I was also worried about him relapsing if I was not friends with him any more, but he already did. Plus I think that he needs to hit rock bottom. Well thanks again for all of the support that I found on your website. This is a very puzzling situation to be in and not too many that I have talked to understand. I am sure that you made this due to a personal event, so I wish you the best of luck.
God Bless,
J




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Subject: Submit My Story
 My 72 year old mother retired, moved to Florida, bought two condos, had everything going good for her. Then one day the smooth talking “MR. Hollywood”, suave man spotted her like a hawk spotting a piece of meat. He is only 54, he offered to show her how to work out at the gym…oh my mother fell hard for him, why this younger guy had latched onto her like a magnet…little did she know what his past was and what his present was going to be. His family even covered for him and lied about his past. He had no car when he met my mother and his parents would not even allow him to drive theirs. He told my mother he moved to Florida from Michigan to help his parents out financially, and that his ex wife got everything. Well, we knew he had been arrested for grand theft auto and he told my mother it was not his fault, and his parents even lied, so my mom believed him. He left her stranded and took off with her car, credit cards, cell phone, for days at least 3 times we know of in Florida. She kept letting him back-she would never tell us any of this, we had to find out from her friends. She moved to California and is doing well, and he follows her there…well it was not long after he arrived in California he stold my mothers car, credit cards, camera, drained her account of several thousands of dollars, spent a few nights in jail. My poor mother had to work all day and drive this piece of shit to his meetings every night. Well last week she finally regained her trust and actually leased him a new car. The temptation was too much for him to handle so he drives that one to a crack house, goes on a 4 day binge, sells it for drugs and calls my mom to come pay the drug dealer and get the car back. So my stupid naïve mother drives to a crack house, gives the drug dealer 50.00, somehow falls down during this incident and gets hurt. She then takes him back in…so a week goes by and he somehow manages to rent a car, go on another binge and my mother got a call that the rental car he used was involved in a robbery in downtown San Francisco, and found with 3300.00 in damage---nice. So my mother changes her locks and a day later this pile of shit shows up at her work and she feels sorry for him as he looks like death. My mother is a church going lady who has raised several children and beautiful grandchildren and nobody will be around her because she is taking care of this piece of shit. His mother keeps telling my mother “no big deal, this happens all the time” How do we het it through to my mother that she is ruining her life, wasting her precious years taking care of this slime ball????????? Her life is in danger and she does not even realize it---she caught him in the shower last week smoking a crack pipe. She is also working her ass off at a stressful job, while he is home sleeping off his high. Please give us some advice




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Walking away from the Nightmare
 All of your stories have moved me so much. It's nice to see that and know you're not alone.
 Basically with me it's the same old story, you all have lived through it.  ...just a different melody. I first met Don (not his real name) at the school I worked for. I was a teacher assistant. He seemed almost perfect at first, good-looking, hardworking, very responsisable. I was flattered by his attention and I fell for him hard. All the girls wanted him and he chose me! He told me about his bad, old life before he became a Christian, his crack addiction, his alcholism. But he told me that now he was a Christian, he had put all of that addiction-life behind him. I believed him. Those of you who are Christians or of any faith ...don't think just because your boyfriend or girlfriend poesses a love of God that they are free from drug addiction. Anyone can talk about a 'love' for God. Following His teachings is a completely different matter. Of course if you're visitng this website, you probably know all of that already.
 We got married only about a month after dating. I became pregnant almost immediately. My husband was thrilled but it put a lot of pressure of him. We are/were and interracial couple and his boss made it quite clear he didn't approve of a white man marrying a black woman. Don got tired of hearing all of the racist things his boss was saying about me and his upcoming child so he quit his job. A week later Don came home very drunk.
  I was six months pregnant and I was disgusted with him!  We had a huge fight and I locked myself in the bathroom while he begged for me to have understanding. Finally he left and went missing for about two weeks. His mother called me the moment she heard me about Don's disapperance and warned me about him. "You got to protect yourself from Don, baby or no baby. There is a pattern with him. First he goes on a drinking binge. Then he goes to crack-cocaine. And after that, God help you! He'll steal every cent you have. You need to change the locks on the door."  Of course I didn't believe her. But he loves me and our-soon-coming child. Blah-de-blah. We've all been there, right?
 Sure enough he stole all the money we have saved in our bank account. Here I was 6 mos. pregnant, with no husband and no money in the bank. Thank God, I still had my job. But I was very depressed and feeling helpeless. 
 He came back two weeks later, all in tears. He told me he was about to commit suicide (He showed me a razor blade as 'proof'). but decided to come back to me at the last moment. I was so happy to have him back I didn't bother to question him about his behavior. Beisdes he didn't have to say anything. We both knew he had been on a crack binge. A $3,277 dollar crack binge to be exact. (That's how much we had in our account.). But he swore that was over with now and that I never had to worry about him disappearing again. Again, I believed him. 
 I had our child, a beautiful girl. After she was born Don told me, he wanted me to quit my job and take care of our daughter as a stay-at-home mom. He said he would financially support me from now on. I wanted to trust him, so I quit my job. Sure enough Don made good friends with a liquor store owner. (As a matter of fact the liquor store owner was the half-brother of his former racist employer. But he was far more kind and tolerant then his brother was when it came to our marriage and our daughter.) Don only had a GED, but he gave Don a managing job with a salary of $40,000 dollars a year! I am a college-graduate and I have never made that much. 
 Life was rocky at times, but we always had plenty of money. I was happy. Our three year old daughter was happy. Then one day last month (Oct. 27, to be exact). Don doesn't come home. No phone call. No explanation. He's gone. I checked the hospitals and filled out a missing  police report. Three days later his boss calls me. Apparently Don has stolen $4,700 dollars from their safe. He is suspcious of me. He thinks I helped Don steal the money. 
 I reassured him that I had nothing to do with his missing money, and he reluctantly believed me. He was very hurt by Don's behavior. "I treated him like a son." he told me. Two days later I saw Don on the street. He started to approach me and our daugther was very happy to see him. She screamed "Dadddy! Daddy!" But I was so angry at him, I was FURIOUS!!! I screamed, "Get out of here! I don't want to talk to you! I hate you! The police are after you! GO AWAY!!!" I made quite a scene. Our daughter was staring at both of us bug-eyed. People were staring at us one the street. Don shrugged, got back in the car, and I haven't seen him since.
  I called the police immediately, and then they gave me a hard time. "I don't get it, lady. First you sign a Missing Person's Report. Then you get mad when you see him again. You better make up your mind as to what you want!" It was almost as if I were on trial. I was so frazzled and hurting and angry that I broke down crying. That softened them somewhat and they took it easier on me after that. I got my locks changed illegally (illegal because his name is on the lease) that same day.
  The very next day, I arrived home after picking up my daughter from school to discover that my apartment has been broken into. All the emergency cash (about 275 dollars) the diamond earings he gave me for my birthday, even the change from the change bowl were gone. I called the police and you guessed it - they couldn't do anything because his name is on the lease and you can't steal from your own property. I couldn't even fill out a damage report on him.
 Two days later and I learn that he has been arrested for cocaine posession. He called me on the phone, begging me to ask my mother to bail him out. I haven't been to this website at that point but even I knew bailing him out would have been a huge mistake. You know how I knew that? Back when my husband was clean and sober,durring those few brief years, he described to me how he was like durring his drug addicitons. He would shudder in horror as he described to me how he cared for no one, not family, not children, no one but himself while he seeked out crack. He told me how he would have said anything, done anything if it would get him more money for crack. He didn't have a soul anymore. Don himself told me that! I guess that was God's way of warning me about him. And now Don had brought that souless, selfish demon back to life! Unbelievable! 
 Anyway he started telling me on the phone, how much he loves me. He insists that he'll kill himself if I divorce him. I was so in love with him that at first I couldn't resisit talking to him on the phone even though he is in jail and a definite crack addict. But then slowly the truth began to leak out, or to be more precise, the truth was revealed like layers from a rotten onion. He has been cheating on me with several different women! In fact at one point one of his girlfriends caught him kissing another, and then tried to run him over with her car because he was cheating on her!  He has been in and out of jail almost all of his life for various charges 1)Stalking, 2) Posession of a Controlled Substance 3) Kidnapping 4) Beating up a Police Officer!!! This man who was so gentle, and loving and sweet when I first met him, who wouldn't hurt a fly was ARRESTED FOR BEATING UP A POLICE OFFICER. And I never knew about any of it. If I had known I would have never married him. I feel like Goldie Hawn in that movie titled DECEIVED. I have married and fallen in love with a stranger!
 Yesterday, I learned I was wife number 3. Not his second wife like he had told me. Apparently it's Don's habbit to get married and then leave his wives at the 3rd year mark to return to his true love which is crack. I am sure there are more gruesome secrets out there for me if I do the research, but no. I can't take anymore! I don't want to learn anymore I have to face up to the fact that husband is a CH and that to remain in his life will cause my own ruin.
 It's easy to blame God for the way my marriage has turned out. But, I don't. Don made these choices. Not God. I also know it's possible for a CH to be clean and crack free for the rest of their lives. My brother-in-law has remained crack-free for eighteen years, and he has a beautiful family now. But he is the rare exception. Not the rule. Sometimes I fantasize about having a life with Don again. My criteria for him coming back would be 1) He has to have a job. 2) He has to be clean for at least a year. Even then I don't know if I can trust him you guys. Every time he is late, I'll be thinking ...is he back on coke? Will I ever see him again? Will he try to con me out of even more money?
 I know compared to some people on this site I got off relatively easy. (I think the hardest would be to have a child who is a CH. I try to imagine my daughter on that stuff. It must be an unbearable horror and those of you going through that, you have my deepest compassion and sympathy.) From reading these stories I can see how bad it can get. I see the pattern of letting the CH back into your life, they promptly destroy it, they apologise, and then enter you life again.Your stories and this website revealed a lot to me. It helped me to make the decession of moving away. Don is NOT going to practice that destructing pattern with me and my daughter. I am not going to let him know where I am. (He was arrested for five counts of stalking his first wife!) I will divorce him the moment I have establised six month residency in my new home. I doubt he will be good for child support. But I will try to collect and money I can get. Thanks guys for allowing me to share my story. It was thereputic. Thank you Steve for this wonderful supportive website.
  Take care you all. We can survive this and become stronger from it.
Jackie




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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story
 My Name is Sharon…. I married a crack addict in 2002, July. I did not know. September 2002, the ride began, he stole my car, drained my bank account…… etc… etc… and left me and my two children with no mode of tranportation. And the story, well it goes on… After losing my first husband at the age of 35 I did not know this life and "person" existed. Four five years, his famly constantly covering up for him… the violence….. almost $160 K… 160,000 ……. I have been ran over, threatened, lied to … cheated on…. the women then the men………. it almost killed me…. they told me God would hold "me" accountable… their whole family kept me distanced from people with their philosophy, tactics and betrayal……… I can only describe this in one way…… to much detail …. for my children and friends have lived the nightmare……….. it was like being held hostage for five years…………… the lies, manipulation…. a slow death.
 I trust that I can go on………………… crack
 how do I feel about crack
 I don’t think there is enough hate in this world, and there is a lot of hate,
 but if I could gather it all up
 it still would not be enough….




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story
 Dear Steve,
 5 hours later....I read every story! Only 4 out of the hundreds (it seemed like thousands) of stories met my needs. Although every story has the same beginning, middle and end -  the plot never changes and I'm sad by the realities of crack addiction. Here you go....... MY MOM IS A CRACK ADDICT. Not just my mom, my best friend, the only best friend I have ever had. You can have a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, lover, son, daughter, husband or wife addicted to crack but think of your MOM and imagine her with this addiction... Think of your MOM!  I am 31 years old, the only child, and my mom just decided to start smoking crack at age 50 - age 50 I said. I have hung with my mom, shared every intimate moment of my life with my mom and have learned everything in life from my mom. Yeah, I'm an adult, established, educated, raised properly, had everything as a child and yet here I am dealing with this new addiction. The saying is true "this is not the mom that I know, I don't even know who this Crack addicted person is". I have put her through rehab, got court orders to involuntarily commit her, filed missing person's reports, police reports, followed her, tracked her cell phone calls, her money usage and attempted an intervention. WHY doesn't it work? WHY? WHY?
I lived with my mom until I was 25 years old, she was a smart, educated, well-liked, social butter-fly, full of life with a beautiful smile and body. Yes, she has battled with alcoholism and pain killers most of her life but NOT CRACK! I love your web-site and I hope it keeps going but all of the stories end the same way.... GIVE UP, GET OUT, and LEAVE THE CH ALONE. I simply cannot do that, this is my mom, the woman who gave birth to me, raised me, taught me, and showed me the way of life. There has to be an answer and a solution, I cannot give up on my mom, I can't. There are 5 stories in the past 5 years of your web site that have inspired me. If you can reach out to any of the following people to try and help me, I would greatly appreciate it because it seems the few of us share the same story.... I would really like to connect with the following people who shared their heartfelt and tragic stories on your site:
Laura    entry on 3/30/06
Jamie    entry on 3/28/05
"M"        entry on 12/03/04
"J"        entry on 4/12/04
"T"        entry on 10/28/03 ( the best story of all on this entire site) RECOVERY
 Thank you,
C




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Excellent website.
Everything you say is 100% correct, it’s sad but true, many of the folks addicted to the stuff will take it until they’re at rock bottom or dead.
Your speculation that women seem more susceptible to the addiction seems to be spot-on. I too have tended to notice that gender difference.
Keep up the terrific work.
Thanks,
D
Madison, WI




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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story
 Hello, my name is K and I am in the process of divorcing my CH husband. I knew this man in the 80’s when we were both in Jr. High – we were both shy and I had a crush on him. Fast forward to my early 30’s – He calls me out of the blue – I’d just dumped my boyfriend and he wanted to see if I wanted to go on a date. (I was 18 the last time I’d seen him – I was about 32 when we reconnected) It was exciting and we started dating. He tells me that he was in prison and he plays it down. I thought to myself that no one is perfect and don’t even give it a thought. I asked him about drugs and he says that he had issues with ‘pot’ in the past. Mind you, the whole time my radar was going off but for once I chose to not listen to my intuition. BIG MISTAKE. He was in prison for B&E and other deceitful foolish things which I NOW know to be directly from drug use. It’s amazing that he even said that he never had a problem with crack ever. We dated a year during which time he never so much as took a drink let alone do drugs – besides, he was on probation. We get married and someone gave us champagne and from that day (our wedding night) on he had an alcohol problem. It took us almost a year to get pregnant and right around my 8th month of pregnancy – he started smoking crack when I went to my home town for a baby shower. I think that I was gone 4 days and he never answered the phone the whole time. I was so confused and sad – I couldn’t even enjoy my visit with friends and family. Fast forward to my son being about 4 months old – his friend/dealer stopped by one morning which was odd because he lived an hour ½ away and he came unexpected. My husband freaked out and the guy used our bathroom and left. A few days later I found a crack pipe under the sink in my guest bathroom and I took it to him and asked him what the heck was this – He looked so shocked and he was so disgusted that his friend would have brought that into our house. What a loser he says…. (red flag ignored by me). Well, I never knew what I’d wake up to… several times I woke up to the baby monitor camera in my face so that he’d know if I woke up. Then I’d wake up and he’d be gone – this happened over and over and over and over. It was so sad and so painful. I had a child with this man and he was leaving in the middle of the night. I was so humiliated, I didn’t want anyone to know because I felt that my husband’s actions defined who I was. In my mind – crack addicts were skanky toothless people who didn’t have a home – how could MY husband be addicted to it? He was an attractive, intelligent person. We live in a nice home and drive decent cars – this couldn’t be happening. Well, I hid it for at least a year maybe longer and then I told his parents because I wanted out. I needed help in dealing with him.  He’d become a total dumb ass and I couldn’t stand listening to him talk. They continued to enable him – give him large sums of money, pick him up when he was down – pick him up from his binges…. The whole thing started making me so totally ill. I finally filed and stopped talking to them all. I was granted temporary sole custody of our son, he has to have supervised visits. Last Christmas he wouldn’t have been home if his parents didn’t GO TO THE SEEDY HOTEL and get him. That was really the thing that got me – I refuse to allow my son to experience another disappointment like that. This is what shatters children’s lives.
 I have SO much more to write but I have to go to sleep. If I could give advice to people it would be to understand what enabling and co-dependence is. Face the ugly facts that you can’t change anyone except yourself. Love yourself. Heal yourself. Release the anger, find a way to release it.
 Don’t answer the calls, don’t rescue – the person that you once loved is GONE. Good luck to each and every one of you. Don’t forget to love yourself.
 k




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 The different stories about people who love or have loved CHs really breaks my heart. My son-in-law is a CH. This site has done so much to enlighten me as to the true personalities of these people. Now I accept the fact that the "wonderful" he was and could be is not there or not the main operating voice. He is consumed with himself and blames the entire world for his woes. My daughter came out of a bad relationship, met J, got married..........and landed in Hades. She became pregnant. She had to work full time and go through a pregnancy alone. Thank God, after 21/2 years, she's getting out of it! Everything said on this site is true--the lies, the excuses, the manipulation--all of it is true. They are master liars and deceivers. Yes, I felt so much pity for him and believed some of his garbage. Truthfully, I do love him like a son, but I would have to let a son go who was doing this to himself. I know I cannot help him, my daughter cannot help him, my family cannot help him. We tried.   Everyone here has helped us realize it is not our fault. My beautiful little grandson will be better without his CH dad. I will continue to pray for my son-in-law, but otherwise I am through with him. May God bless all of you dealing with tool of destruction. 




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi. Just found your site. Started to read the stories but there are so many. Can you tell me if any of them are a success story? My husband came clean yesterday about his 2 1/2 year crack habit. He was definately a functioning addict. He insists he wants to stop and wants help. He is in a detox centre right now while we figure out the next steps. We have lots of support, we have a strong faith, and we are willing to do whatever it takes. We have just also moved an hour away from where his crackhead friends live. I know that's not far but it's something. Can you tell me there is no hope?
 Cheri




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi Steve my name is Charlene and my boyfriend is addicted to crack, i have only been with him for a little over two years and hes been doing it the whole time we have been together but his family says its been going on for about ten years. He wont admit that he does it but im not stupid he thinks being called a crack head is the worst thing in the world. He dosent do it all the time he can go for weeks without it but as soon as he does he just goes nuts with it.........i just don’t know what to do anymore, hes a totally different person when hes on it a person that i can honestly say am becoming to hate, when hes not doing it hes the perfect boyfriend hes the one i wanna start a life with and family but this is the only thing holding us back..............i need help please tell me what to do.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 I have been married to my suspected ch husband for 14-1/2 years. For the last 2 years, he has exhibited very odd behavior:
 
· long periods of time (hours) in bathroom and claims to have bad hemmorroids but refuses to see a doc
 
· money spent, but nothing to show for it. was given $20,000 last year for relocation and cannot account for $10,000 of it
 
· gets 6 figure jobs (he is an IT professional), but loses them. in the last year he has had 6 jobs
 
· extreme weight loss, lack of appetite, and sometimes pulls all-nighters then crashes into a coma-like sleep for days
 
· hyper behavior. On weekends he will play video games, then go play basketball, then tennis, then back to video games or watch TV then repeats the cycle over again
 
· will leave for hours without being able to be contacted by cell phone. he flew out of town for an interview once and I could not contact him from 5pm until the next morning
 
· lies, lies, and more lies and will not admit to the lies unless I have some sort of proof or caught him red-handed. even used my son to lie for him once
 
· thought that he had become infested for about 6 months with some sort of insects and would use insect repellent, lice shampoo, and non-itch lotions but would not go to the doctor. he even accused me of carrying around my own infestation. he even went as far as telling his mother that she had dust mites coming from her vents. 
All of these things have been witnessed by my mother, his mother, his sister, and this last weekend, one of his best friends. That incident is when reality hit me. Here is what happened: 
We drove to our home in New Jersey on Sunday evening from my mother-in-law's house in Maryland. My husband's family friend rode with us because he needed a ride as he was going to New York the next day. As soon as we got in at about midnight or so, he rushed to the restroom and stayed locked in the restroom for 10 hours straight. He has done this before, but never this long. He complained that he was bleeding. This caused me to be late for work because he chose to do this in the only bathroom with the shower/tub. The family friend was concerned because my husband was supposed to take him to the train station so that he could get to New York. The family friend also offered to go to the doctor with him. He still did not come out of the bathroom. Finally, the family friend got my husband to let him in. The family friend said that my husband showed him the bathtub and tried to convince the friend that the blood smeared around the tub was from his hemorrhoids. The friend told my husband that it appeared as if he had smeared it. The friend also saw that my husband had his laptop computer on the bathroom floor with some DVDs. The friend told my husband he was out of control. But my husband only confessed to smoking a little bit with another family friend Sunday evening and that he was in the bathroom for all of those hours due to his hemorrhoids. He has never admitted ANY incidences of smoking crack to me. I finally gave up on the whole thing and offered to just get dressed without showering to take the friend to the train station as well as get myself to work before noon.
On our ride to the station, the friend told me that my son’s godfather was the “devil himself” because he has been supplying my husband with the drug for quite some time. I would have never thought that this person was capable. He didn’t seem like the “type”. But it explained quite a few things in the past that was questionable behavior, including my husband’s desperate need to see this friend (without myself or son) as often as he did over the past weekend. I called my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to confirm what we had all wondered these past few years.
When I got to work, my husband called me on my cell phone to ask me to come back for him to take him to the emergency room.  I did not respond to his request and told him that he better have the smeared blood in the bathtub cleaned up before my thirteen-year-old son came home and how disgusting he was for doing such a thing. And I told him if it wasn’t cleaned up and my son saw it, I was going to call the police. I hung up the phone before he could respond.
I was not going to confront him with this when I came home from work because I knew he would deny it and tell more lies. But what sent me over the edge was that my son found a pipe and asked me about it when I got home. My husband knew not to talk to me and kept his distance. After my son told me about the pipe, I flew into the bedroom where he was and basically told him that I knew what was going on. He denied it of course. But this time he went further and told me if I accused him again, he was going to “bust my head open”. He backed off when I told him if he laid one finger on me he was going to jail.
I found out later that before I came home, he called the friend that drove back with us to ask exactly what he told me. The friend denied telling me anything and told my husband that everyone has already suspected drug use and that he was out of control. My husband never said he had never smoked crack but told him that he is not addicted and has it under control and that he only smokes every once and a while. He also mentioned to the friend that he would “handle” the situation with me. The friend told my husband that he is a fool if he thinks spending 10 hours in a locked bathroom doesn’t indicate that he obviously has a problem.
We are not speaking, but I thought that today there was a chance that he was a little more sober, and that he would be a little more reasonable. But it seemed he was worse. On our ride to work together, I started talking again and he told me to “kill the noise” and laughed as he turned up the radio as loud as it would go in the car. I told him that I would pray for God to work with him. He stated “God is always working with all of us”. I told him I felt so sorry for him. He just laughed.
I have been talking to the friend almost everyday since the incident in an attempt to see if we can help him. My husband is acting as if I did something to him and has even gone as far as cussing out the friend telling him that he should not have talked to me. “You are my friend, not hers”.
 Even though for the last few years, everyone has suspected drugs and told me, I couldn't see it. I knew something was up but believed our love would overpower it. Ha!!!!! I was such a fool. Why something like this had to happen to help me wake up still amazes me.
 After 4 weeks on the job (my son and I stayed in Missouri until he found a place), I found out from the friend he was staying with that he had been fired and that he stated it was due to my frequent calling (not true). We stayed separated until December 2006 and talked about making it work. In January 2007 my husband was working a contract in Massachusetts. He seemed to be doing a lot better (seemed to be going to work everyday, found corporate housing) and begged me to come. So I quit my job and moved to MA. Life was wonderful and the odd behavior seemed to have disappeared. We were in love again and he and my son grew very close. In March 2007 we found out that his contract was not going to be re-newed (not due to anything suspicious) and he had been offered a permanent job in New York. So we moved to New Jersey. This seemed to be wonderful as it is only 3 hours away from his hometown in Maryland. Little did I know that being close to his stomping ground only gave him easier access to drugs. I found a job at a very well-renowned company only 10 minutes from our apartment.
 Odd behavior started to resurface and he began taking more frequent trips Maryland without my son and me. When we would go to Maryland, he would disappear for hours either alone or with my son’s godfather.
 So, my finding out could not have come at a better time. Two days after the incident, I found out that my husband was fired from his most recent position as a Director for a Marketing firm. But I also found out that my company will be laying our department off due to an acquisition and that I will receive 6 weeks severance. My lay-off date is scheduled to be 12/14. But I have decided to leave him and go back to Missouri using the severance and unemployment to start a new life with my son without my ch husband. I have only told the friend, my mother, his mother, and sister. They have advised me that in his current state, it would not be wise to say anything and just leave. We stay in the apartment together, but since the bathroom incident, he is not speaking to me, acting very rude, and denying anything having to do with drugs. We are like strangers now. Instead of confessing to what he knows I now know, he has accused me of putting things into his friend and family’s head about his drug use. I am just counting the days until 12/14. My mother was coming for the holidays on 12/19. So we have decided to keep the plans and instead of flying back out on the 28th, she would help me with the Uhaul and packing and drive back to Missouri with my son and me.
 When I leave, I will take the car, which is in my name as well as my belongings. He will surely lose a job claims to have gotten Friday, as this is our only car and he does not have a valid driver’s license (which I have been nagging that he get straight for months), credit card, decent credit or job stability to get a new car. So it will again be MY FAULT.
 It is so sad because I love him with all of my heart, but I cannot stay in denial anymore. I don’t want to break up our family. But I refuse to wait until I actually see him using or wait for him to lose another job. I cannot help him because he refuses to admit he has ever used the drug. IT (crack) has turned him into a lying, egotistic, and unremorseful monster. My son and I deserve better than this.
 Your website has helped me during this extremely difficult time as well as provide me with resorces to cope with enabling and codependency.
 Thanks,




From:
Sent:
To: 'steve@crackreality.com'
Cc: Tammy Taylor
Subject: Crack Reality Email
  Hello I have wrote you before about my husband who is using crack, it’s been over 6 months or more since I e-mailed you. You told me then that I would end up leaving, but as of yet I have not left for good I have left and stayed gone for two months and kept in contact with him, but we are back together have been for 5 months now. I can say that he has not stopped smoking crack like he said he would and he has been working at my bothers restaurant and doing side work construction but he is always broke and needing more money. I finally took control over his money and thought that things where going good only to just find out that he had pawned all my jewelry that I don’t wear and cameras and video recorder his jewelry and banjo my fathers gold pocket watch that is the only thing I had of his, he died when I was 17 now I’m 42 and have a crack head that looks like he’s never going to stop.  I really got mad at him told him rehab or leave and he had to after Christmas to choice what he was going to do, then I told him on my Birthday I wanted a answers which was Dec. 4th he made me a card saying how he was sorry for everything he wanted to get a full time job working the same hours I work and love me more than he ever has he just hoped I could forgive him. I wish I could believe it will be that easy but I know it’s not I just can’t kick him out he has no family we have been married for twenty six years have two grown children and three grandchildren I know one day I will but please pray for me and give me advice.  




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 I LOVE YOUR WEBSITE I FELT AS THOUGH I WAS ALONE I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY CH MAN 11 YEARS AGO LAST 5 YRS HAVE BEEN An ONGOING NIGHTMARE IM TIRED SO SO VERY TIRED I HAVE A GREAT JOB BUT I FIND I CANT FUNCTION LIKE I USE TO MY MIND IS LIKE MUD NO CLARITY I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH I CAN TAKE OF THIS SHIT NITE AFTER NITE HE LIES HE STEALS HE IS AN ASSHOLE IN WAITING I HAVE SMOKED POT ALL MY LIFE IF THERE IS NONE THAN THERE IS NONE DONT GO LOKING FOR IT NEVER LET IT CONTROL ME NOW I CAN HONESTLY SAY I DONT EVEN ENJOY IT ANYMORE I CANT BELEIVE THAT THIS IS THE GATEWAY DRUG GATEWAY TO WHERE ? STRAIGHT TO HELL THATS FOR SURE YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE LIES AND ILL QUITS AND THE I DIDNT DO IT AND THE ILL GET BETTER YEAH RIGHT BULL SHIT THIS IS A FUCKING ONGOING NITEMARE NITE AFTER NITE I CANT EVEN SLEEP ANY MORE HE FEELS HE IS ENTITLED TO EVERYTHING HE FEELS HE DESERVES ALL AND WELL IF YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH A CH YOU KNOW FOR SURE THATS NEVER THE CASE I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT I WILL SOON WAKE UP FROM THIS AND LEAVE HIS FUCKIN ASS IN THE STREET WITH NO MONEY NO FOOD NOTHING NOT A FUCKING POT TO PISS IN I ATTEND CHURCH REGULARLY BUT I DONT DARE TELL ANYONE I ALREADY KNOW HOW PEOPLE JUDGE THE VICTIMS OF CH THEY THINK WE ARE STUPID OR BLIND I TELL YOU WE ARE NOT STUPID , BLIND OR ANYTHING OF THAT NATURE WE HAVE GOOD HEARTS AND ARE GENERALLY REALLY NICE PEOPLE WE ARE SO KIND IT IS OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR WEAKNESS PLEASE
PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND THE STRENGTH TO LEAVE I CANT BELEIVE THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME I AM IN SHOCK I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A SMART PERSON BUT MY FEAR FOR BEING ALONE HAS TAKEN SOME OF MY POWER AND WISDOM THIS CH HAS FUCKED AROUND ON ME HIT ME BAD MOUTHED ME AND I FIND I CANT CONTROL MY OWN BEHAVIOR MOST OF THE TIME . I HAVE HIT HIM , SAID REAL UGLY THINGS TO HIM, HELL I HAVE EVEN CUSSED HIS SO FUCKING CALLED CHRISTIAN MOM SHE IS PROBABLY THE ROOT TO HIS PROBLEM I KNOW ITS NOT RIGHT TO PUT THE BLAME ON ANYONE BUT REALLY , SHE ACTS LIKE HER SON CAN DO NO WRONG THEY ARE NO SUPPORT IN THE MATTER WHAT SO EVER THEY DONT EVEN WANT HIM TO LIVE WITH THEM MEANING MOM BROTHER AND SISTER LETS SEE WHO THEY BLAME WHEN ITS TIME TO BURY THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO PAY FOR THAT IM NOT WAHTS THE FUCKING POINT ANYWAY HES GONNA GO STRAIGHT TO HELL JUST BECAUSE HE KNOWS THERE IS NO CRACK IN HEAVEN WHAT A TRADE. IT FEELS SO GOOD TO RELEASE MY ANGER WITH PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING PLEASE PRAY FOR ME I AM SO VERY TIRED
SINCERELY ONE MORE CRACK HEAD HATER




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality
Dear Steve,
 
Attached is my story of marriage to a crack addict. It's kind of long, and I'm not sure if you'll want to post it on your site, but please take a look and let me know if you decide to post it. It's bleak, but the outcome is a definite Crack Reality.
 
I thank you for your site. I discovered it a few years ago, but haven't visited for quite awhile. I especially found the "Things Crackheads Say" and "Things Their Enablers Say" enlightening. Particularly "I've never cheated on you" or "at least I don't cheat on you". I really wanted to believe that, but I would also ask what sort of moral compass says it's okay to steal, use drugs, and lie constantly, yet kicks into gear to keep one from crossing that additional line when every other ethical, legal, and moral boundary has already been crossed.
 
I don't know that my story will impact anyone at all. I know people have a tendency to think certain things only happen to other people, never them. I, myself, used to read the stories on your site and other sites, and think my situation was different. That my husband was different. Even when his probation officer told me "don't be fooled by his charm, his good looks, his stories. He is a hard-core, hope-to-die addict". He did make some serious attempts to get clean, I think seven months was the longest - an eternity for a crack addict - but I was always there to pick up the pieces when he fell. I would enforce tough love - much tougher on me than on him - but end up caving in. I wish I had stuck to my guns. Near the end of our marriage, I had vowed that I was going to move out, and he would have to show me he could make it on his own, keep a job, stay clean, for at least a year before I would consider any sort of reconciliation. Again, his probation officer urged me to file for divorce while he was in jail. She said if I wanted to date him, that was my choice, but divorce him and let him figure things out for himself. Obviously, I didn't listen. I wish I had. Our story might have had a very different outcome. Then again, maybe not.
 
Thanks for listening and for providing a voice to those of us who live very secret lives - afraid to tell friends and family what we are going through, alone in our efforts to try and deal with the addicts in our lives, because we truly believe in them and believe also that no one else "understands" the addict like we do, when in reality, we don't understand them at all. We haven't got a clue. Some of what I'm saying in this email to you I was going to include in my story, but decided it was long enough already. If you want me to change anything, let me know.
 
Keep up the good work,
K
 
P.S. This may sound weird, and difficult to understand, but my husband has been gone for over two years now. It took therapy and determination to overcome the guilt I felt for realizing that my life has improved, and the ability to examine how twisted it had become. I don't wish this on anyone. I still miss him every day - the man he was before he met crack. I don't miss the addict behavior. I know where he is now. I don't have to worry any longer that any more harm will come to him. I believe that he truly is at peace now - something I couldn't grasp when people said it to me after his death. His hell was here on Earth, and I think he was getting tired of living a double life, that he was wrestling with whether to disappear into the drug subculture and let it take over completely, or whether to fight it once and for all. I think he knew it was a fight he couldn't, and probably didn't want to win, and in the end he lost everything.
 



The Story
I’ve visited this site off and on for the past few years, looking for answers and trying to make sense out of the insanity of loving and living with a crackhead. Every phrase posted under “Things Crackheads Say” are excuses I’ve heard, and then some. Under “Things Their Enablers Say”, I find all of the reasons I used to try and justify my husband’s behavior. He has been clean and drug-free for just over two years now, but this is no fairy tale of a story.
 We were married for 8 years, and the first 2 were wonderful. The other 6 were filled with the same experiences we all share – disappearances, reappearances, fighting, stealing, unbelievable mental anguish. I developed my own brand of paranoia through guilt and blame: “Maybe he really isn’t using; I’m imagining this”; “I guess I should try to understand how rough this is for him”. I, of course, thought my CH and our experience was “different”. Not that bad. Or “he’s not like other addicts, he has a job (not for long)” or my especially twisted rationale: “His addiction can’t be that bad because he hasn’t stolen EVERYTHING”. Yeah, only three of our cars, most of the belongings I had before I met him, money, credit cards, you name it. “He’s not that bad because at least he doesn’t get violent with me.” No. He was too consumed by wanting to get the hell out and go use. It just didn’t seem to dawn on me that when he was in jail, or even out on a crack binge for weeks at a time, my life and health would slowly start to improve. I had a few extra dollars in my pocket. I could relax a little. Yet I would put myself through it all over again. He NEEDED me. What would happen to him if I left? He was really going to stay clean this time. “Those other crackheads” just wouldn’t leave him alone and I didn’t understand how powerful the draw of the drugs was (true – I didn’t). I didn’t understand a lot of things about his lifestyle because I wanted no part of it and couldn’t comprehend how anyone could. I beat myself up with “whys” – why is he choosing to sleep in abandoned buildings when he could be home with me? What must be wrong with me? Why is he living like this?
 In 2005, I finally had enough. I felt like living with him was equal to trying to save a drowning man who didn’t want to be saved: the harder he tried to go under, the harder I tried to pull him back up, but I was getting tired and was ready to let go. I was making plans to move rather than constantly trying to get him to leave and stay gone. I figured I would let him deal with the rent, the bills, get evicted, whatever. After all, he was an expert at living on the streets by then. My adult son and my mom were living with us at the time, and we were just going to get our own place. Then one day my husband came home after a couple of days’ binge. We fought, and the fight exploded into violence. Violence I never would have predicted. He attacked me with a wooden club, and then turned on my son who tried to intervene, eventually sending him to the hospital with a concussion and deep cuts to his head. The police were called. My husband, in his tortured state of mind, found a plate holder that somewhat resembled the shape of a gun, and ended up being shot to death by a police officer. He has been clean and drug-free for over two years because he’s dead. In the days following his death, I was questioned by the police and the media about what had happened and why I thought he did what he did. My response was always that I didn’t know “that guy”. The guy who attacked us and took on the police – I had no idea who he was; he wasn’t the man I knew and loved. It wasn’t until much later that I came to realize that I hadn’t really known “that guy” for years – that the person I thought I knew and who I loved so much had died a long time before his physical death, I just refused to believe it. It was a horrible ending to what started as a beautiful love story. I was wracked with more hurt and pain and guilt than I could have ever imagined. In the chaotic last half hour of his life, surrounded by police and feeling trapped, he managed to scrawl out a short “I love you” note to me. Nothing melodramatic, nothing self-serving, or nothing apologetic – he knew I had heard a thousand empty apologies – just his name, my name, and I Love You. I believe that the guy I first married was able to fight his way to the surface for the last time during those moments before he died to give me a sincere message. The only thing unique about my story is the way it ended. But not really. All of us who care about a CH hold our breath when they are out using. In the backs of our minds, we wonder if we’re going to get a knock on the door or a telephone call, informing us that our loved one has died – drug overdose, killed in a dispute over drugs, or God knows what. But it’s fleeting, because you don’t really think it’s going to happen. The addict certainly doesn’t – or doesn’t really care. They certainly seem indestructible, if you’ve seen them through overdoses, beatings, accidents, illnesses, only to watch them go right back out and use again. You might feel a little indestructible, too, if you’ve gone into neighborhoods that the cops even stay away from at 3 a.m. to “rescue” them from their latest mishap, or put yourself in harm’s way in other ways.
 I wish he was still here, because as long as you have life, you have hope…and that is what makes loving an addict so complicated, so twisted, so tragic, and so inexplicable to “outsiders”. Just as they are addicted to drugs, we who love them are addicted to hope. Hope that the husband or wife will once again become the person we fell in love with, that the son or daughter we loved and raised will return.  It’s why we believe, over and over, “this time it will be different”. And sometimes it is. But until that day comes, if it does, love them from a distance.  Let them sink or swim. They will either pull out of the hell they have created for themselves and for their loved ones, or sink into it, but you don’t have to sink with them. And, sometimes, horribly, sadly, they die. That is an absolute crack reality. Sometimes they do die. Sometimes that is the only “hitting bottom” there is, and it’s devastating to everyone around them. But it’s not because of anything we have done or didn’t do. We don’t make them use. We don’t say “hey, you’ve had a bad day. I know, go smoke some crack and you’ll feel better”. We try to be the voice of sanity to protect them from themselves, but at the end of the day, they are responsible for their choices and actions, and sometimes those choices have terrible consequences. Love them but disentangle yourself – your finances, your lives, your children. Because no matter what the addict tells you, until he or she stops using and commits to staying clean, you and your kids will always come second, third, last. The addict will place you and your children in risky situations without a second thought when the drugs are at stake. Love your addict but protect yourself and cut them off. Only accept phone calls if they are coming from a rehab center. Only help them if the help they want is to go to detox or rehab. You will definitely improve your life and you might just save theirs.   




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Subject: Submit My Story
 I met T in May of 2000, He was very polite and was very good looking. We talked for awhile and he handed me his phone number and asked me to call him sometime. Weeks past and i had not called him, then one day we saw each other again. 
The conversation continued, and this time T asked if I would go out with him, I was hesitant, but after talking for so time I said yes. I should have followed my gut feelings, I felt something was not quite right, but went anyway.
After the first date, we continued to talk but over the phone. Sometimes I would hear from him some times I would not. I found out he lived with his sister and her family. Which I thought was strange for a man of 40.
Things were not bad then but progressively got worst. I had not heard from T for two weeks, so I called his home and his sister told me he was not there, for days she told me this. So I stop calling. Soon after i received a call from T telling me he was in the hospital for having a severe asthma attack. Finally I found out it was for having an an asthma attack while smoking crack. to make a long story short these CH will lie, steal, and use whomever is willing to enble them in their addiction. Be so very careful and listen to your inner voice befor it is to late. A life with a CH is not pleasant, nor peaceful.Their CH friends are their families, and you mean nothing to them but money, a place to squat ,a place to steal something and a person to manipulate. Get some strength and leave them along, move on with your life and get help for yourself. Pray for them that somehow they will find the strngth to STOP USING CRACK




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 My Dad started using crack about 7 years ago. The said thing was he was a Pastor of a church and somehow we dont know till this day why he started using. Needless to say it was a nightmare. He stole from the church until he got arrested. It brought so much same to the whole family and destroyed much of our faith for awhile. The family can not return to a church because everyone knows him and all they want to do is talk about it. 7 years of pure hell ensued. The lies The stealing including trying to steal my car one night. Fights with mom. Not working and taking all the money out of the bank . Over 180,000 gone in crack. Mom finally divorced him 5 years ago after 35 years and 3 kids .I do not have enough time to tell of all the things he has done. All the same stuff others have said lost money fell out of pocket. Screaming until mom would give him the damn twenty dollars he wanted then a call in a few hours wanting more. Mom and sis had to lock their money in the trunk of my sis car so he wouldn't get it. After arrest and arrest and arrest and more arrest they just kept putting him back on probation he finally went to prison for three years. When he got out after 18 months in jail and 9 months at a rehab he was back to his old self although mom and him were divorced she tried to be a friend and for 3 years he did good. Got a job, a apartment was trying so like a fool i decided i would help him , I bought him a truck and a whole apartment of beds, chairs etc... Then it stared again after 3 years he lost his job and his apartment sold all the stuff i bought him and got the truck impounded which he lost. He showed up at the house last July on moms b-day and raised hell threated to kill us etc.. he was arrested only to be released the next day. Since then he came around once and awhile. I notice small stuff missing outside around the house but we had peace. Until Monday when i happen to be home from work and he showed up and tried to break into the house!!!! He broke a window and was trying to come in when i confronted him I called police and he is in jail now facing a lot of charges a few are serious. He should go to prison for awhile but i have no faith in the justice system.SO after 7 years it still goes on. I have told mom we are moving so he will not know where we are. We will sell the house when we can. I said all that to say this it never stops AND THEY NEVER CHANGE.GET OUT GET OUT NOW. If it is only the clothes on your back it is better then the hell that will never end.Plz, Plz, head my words do not go thru all the hell I have get out now and never look back.
Yours Truly,
A Broken Son




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Subject: Submit My Story
 I have lost my recovery site www.crackrecovery.com but am happy to report that having been  an addict for 5 years I have been on the road to recovery for the past 11 3/4 months! My year anniversary is the 25th of December. This has been the hardest road of my life but with the help of family and friends I thought i had lost I have succeeded this year. In the meantime I have picked up my life where I had left off when I started the drugs. I spent the first 2 years as a weekend warrior and then it progressed gradually until I spent the last 3 years on the streets in the hood. IU was a prostitute who used actively. Everyday as a matter of fact. Upon returning home to my mothers' house I did a complete turn around under her care. I went to meetings and then eventually moved to the west coast of florida to my father. Here I have thrived being so far away from my old stomping grounds. But as a result of all the drug use I have developed Emphesemia, COPD, asthma and now HIV. But still I thrive on being clean. I know this site is for fiends and family but I feel the need to share my story with them as a hope for their loved ones. Recovery is possible. I am enjoying my new lease on life. Thank you for letting me share. Yours Truly, Geri Judy

 Love to all, G




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Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi Steve, I've been reading a lot on your website and I've found quite a bit of it disturbing, but helpful. First, I am a recovering alcoholic. My brother, Geoff, is a crack addict/alcoholic. Geoff was clean for a year, then (we saw it coming), he got involved with a woman who had 90 days clean from Diloted (sp?). She's a registered RN and had to go into rehab or lose her job. My brother asked her to marry him after dating her for 2 weeks. Then, he quit his job to pursue his own business. Then he asked this woman to move in with him. She has a 10 year old daughter that stays with them every other week, so he rented a larger apartment to accommodate everyone. This woman has no job, so he was supporting her too.
 About a month ago I get a call from Geoff saying that his fiance was out all night the night before. I questionned him about this, and told him he needs to kick her to the curb, or she'll do it again. He said he told her that if she did something like that again, he would tell her to leave. 3 weeks ago, after her daughter's birthday party, she said she needed some space and would be gone for a few days, that she would be staying with her cousin. The next day, her cousin calls Geoff asking where she was, obviously she was out doing something, but who knows what. It was then that my brother went back to the crack pipe. I seriously believe he was setting himself up for this for awhile now, and I don't doubt that he had smoked it before this.
 My brother has been living in a crack house ever since, with a crack whore. His money is gone. The girlfriend, whom I can't stand and want to tear apart, was still living in his apartment. My mom and I and my husband had been in constant contact with Geoff. He said that his girlfriend didn't know that he was out smoking crack, that they were taking a break. Well, she knows now because I told her! She has a child there, she needs to get out. Part of me wanted to hurt her so she would leave because he kept saying he couldn't go home and face her, so, I hurt her enough to get the hell out of that apartment. Now he says (screams) that I and my mother destroyed his relationship and that he has no reason to go back now! I told him he doesn't get to keep crack smoking secrets, he's lost all privileges, that he's a liar, and how dare he come and me and my family, he destroyed his relationship and he's killing this family and himself! So now, we wait.
 He had a heart attack and went into renal failure about 4 years ago from crack. He's almost 40. That didn't stop him though. He got out of the hospital and went right back out there. It wasn't until we hunted him down on some hilltop, and then called the cops on him to go find the stash that he went to jail, and then got clean. Out again for a bit, but this run here, this one is a nightmare. I went to an AA meeting yesterday and just sobbed. I'm totally powerless over this thing. I want to hurt him, hurt his girlfriend, and then I want to just cry. I'm hoping he just dies, then I feel guilty for hoping that. I hate this disease more than anything else. I pray a lot. Thanks for listening, and thanks for your website. I have written him off, I will no longer speak with him, anything like that. I'm dead to him.




-----Original Message-----
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi Steve,
What a pleasure to find you. I have been dealing with my 27 yr old daughter's addiction for 8 years now. I went the tough love route and I have turned her in to the police many times. I don't care if I have to have her locked up in a cage if it saves her life. I refuse to bury another child. I lost her brother 25 years ago, he was 3 yrs. old and drowned.  Monika has been in prison since Nov. 04 (her 2nd trip) and will be coming home in 38 days. I love my daughter but I really don't want her back in our house for reasons you have described on your site. She has nowhere else to go, and no other family member but me, her mom. What should I do? My hubby and I are both disabled with small fixed income. We have a very small house on the beach in Panama City, Fl. we enjoy our lives again and love our privacy. We certianly can't be taken in by her games again. I don't know if she will return to the drugs, she says dosen't want to but we both know their relapse rates. For what it is worth she still is beautiful, educated, and i pray she has a chance to make it this time. I have option A, let her stay here (with a time limit of 2-4 weeks)she must get a job and find her own place. We can get her a trolly pass for transportation...she is NOT taking my car! option B, we get her an apt close by, pay 1 month rent? option c, Move... leave no forwarding address...hahaha impossible. Any suggestions? your help is greatly needed.
 Much Love, S
...and the Starrz still Laugh and they Cry and they Shine...
stevie nicks




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: submit my story
 Hello! I discovered my husband using crack cocaine when I was pregnant with our son about 5 years ago. After much emotional, physical and financial exhaustion I was finally able to divorce him last year. I gave him chance after chance to get his act clean. I spent thousands of dollars, worked two jobs, borrowed from my credit cards to buy groceries and pay daycare and he still decided that crack was more important to him that me and my son. I am now happily married to a wonderful man who loves me and my son and who would never hurt us the way my ex did. My dilemma is that my ex-CH has been clean for a few months and living with relatives and I have allowed my son to spend time with him. He has supervised visitation and has been doing well.He has started working again, but relies on others for transportation b/c of losing his license (can we say 3 DUI's in 2 years)? I feel good about that b/c I certaintly don't want him driving my son, but I don't feel 100% when I let me son visit him. I have also heard that he has been hanging out with some "old" friends that drink pretty heavily and I know that it is only a matter of time before his CH ways return.
How do we ever get away from them when we have children???
My son loves his dad so much and he still asks questions about why mommy and daddy aren't married anymore. He loves his stepdad and is very happy with our life and the fact that he now has two stepsisters, but CH is still his daddy.
I worry every day that I will get that call that he is using again. How in the hell do I tell my son he can' t see his dad anymore??? CH has been in and out of his life since he has been born and I know it will just crush him if I make him stay away for good. What do I do?
My husband is so wonderful and understanding, but I know it hurts him to see me so worried and upset about CH. I just don't want my son ever feeling the shame and humiliation that I felt for those years dealing with CH losing jobs and "borrowing" money from every one we know. His story was that he "needed gas and the machine wouldn't take his debit card". I am still finding out to this day some of the people he got $20 from. It is so embarrassing and I don't want my son to ever feel that shame or to think that he is "less of a person" b/c of his father's addiction. Someone please offer me some words of wisdom..............C




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Subject: Crack Reality Email
 I am going to order your book for members of our family. I am the 69 year old mother of a crack addict, my son, Greg, age 46. He was a functional addict for years. Now he has lost his job & in the process of losing his home & his wife (a bigtime enabler) has left him. We have tried everything. Someday soon I am going to write a short story about him & our lives. And how we have enabled. We aren't now. Just wish he would hit bottom & lose everything, but somehow this addiction just goes on & on..... I'll never understand how crackheads just keep going. They never give up. Of course he says he doesn't need treatment.....he just needs to stop. (His words) You will be hearing more from me soon
-----Original Message-----




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Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Steve,
 Thank you for putting up your web page. I have a sister-in-law who was recently discovered to be using crack. Her husband's estimate is that "something" has been wrong with her for almost 6 months. Money was stolen from their accounts, money borrowed from relatives, lies told, and promises broken. Her husband and I tracked her down at the house of the person who got her started on crack, and we forcibly removed her. Her husband is trying to force her into rehab under the threat of divorce, but in California she cannot be under lockdown just because we say she needs it.. The big question I have is how can we establish where the actual level of her addiction is? She has been lying and borrowing money for a couple of months, but she has NOT become a whore in the stereotype "crack whore" way. She was never out on the street acting like a whore.When we staged our little intervention, she admitted she had a problem with drugs, then became angry and enraged, then went back and forth between tearful admission she needed help and screaming out that nobody had a right to go through her purse and take her car keys.So how can we determine how far this has gone or not gone? There has to be some transition time when someone tries crack the first time and when they're "walking dead" addicts. How do we figure out where in this transition she is, and what can we use that information for?
 Thanks in advance,
 B in Los Angeles




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Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit Story
 Hi
I have recently separated from a man who has a crack addiction. I have ordered Steve's book and am anxious to read it. I was with him 4 and a half years and during that time I have watched him deteriorate through alcoholism and finally habitual crack. I sincerely loved him and have been extremely hurt by the whole process. I have learned however from reading various alanon material and watching the Intervention show the only way to deal with this constructively is to cut him off. This I have done. I told him I would not accept any call from him unless he was getting treatment. He owes me money and as a result I will not allow him access to the house (only in my name and fortunately not married) and will not give him any of the furniture. I have finally stopped enabling him and feel very good about this. It hurts me to hear he is dating a much younger woman but I understand that this is highly likely considering she probably is tolerating and perhaps participating in the habit. I live in a small town. Everyone knows about this business, which I find difficult because I hear things about him when I am trying to move on. I keep trying to focus on the fact that he has a crack addiction and this most likely governs most of his life's actions. I am looking forward to reading the book. I like the sound of the "no contact" rules. This is very hard to do but for the most part I have done well. Thanks




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Subject: Submit My Story
 hi i haven't written before and just found your site. I have been married for 24 years to my CH husband but for only the last 2 years has he been doing crack. At least that is how long i have known about it. he was a pot smoker for about 10 years and although i don't do drugs or even smoke cigarettes i was willing to let it go. it was only pot. he started to act erratic and stay in the bathroom for long periods of time and become very chatty, so i suspected and actively started looking for the cocaine i thought he was using, i never suspected crack. he has a good job and is well respected in fact he was able to spend 5000 dollars in one month without it being a financial problem for us. i do not work ouside the house and haven't since we had children. they are 18,17 and 13. Oh and did i mention that he works away from home about 200 days a year. i have said i am leaving him and i had the separation papers all drawn up but i love him. i am one of the people who are still trying to hold on to hope. he keeps telling me the usual that he hates it, the cravings never go away even when he quit for 8 months, that he wants to quit. he has gone to the meetings and he can go for months without using but he always goes back. i understand about enabling him and rationally know that as long as i am still around he will probably never stop. it has to come from him. everytime he uses i am devestated and he cries and begs me not to leave. if i leave i will have to work 2 jobs and never see my youngest child hardly at all just to fill our basic needs. if i stay my oldest two will get their education paid for and my youngest will be older and i will be able to concentrate on working. he doesn't pawn our things and is not violent, in fact this last time he went 8 months and was wonderful back to his old self. when he did do crack again it was while he was away and i knew immediately because of money having been taken out of our account. i am so confused i don't know what to do. everyone on here says run as fast as i can now but i don't want to screw up my kids future, as long as he is a functioning addict and making big bucks my kids won't get student loans from the government for school. if it was just me i would be long gone. i know he is a liar and manipulative but what if he truly wants to get better. i know i am rambling and it sounds like i am making excuses for him because the harsh reality hasn't set in. thanks for listening




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Subject: help me
 Hi Steve. I started dating e one year ago. One week after we were dating he "dissapeard." I thought i dud something wrong. I found out a few days later thar he was at a crack house. I, myself was in treatment in May of 06 for pills and alcohol, never smoked crack. I really never knew much about it. I just thought he was out having a good time. he called me a week later and explained where he was, I kinda blew it off and said "we can get over it. " He left about everother week for a few days, his mom would give him money and he would come home and immediatly everything would be back to normal. We fell in love and to me he is everything I want in a man, execpt the addition. I thought if I can stay clean so can he. my dad has 14 years clean time of drugs. Itold my dad what he is using, thinking he would be the first to help, and he told me "once they go to a crack house there is no help." I didn't and really still don't believ him.. Eric went to treatent for the third time in October. He left early. I kicked him out on Thanksgiving, not beacuase I wanted to, beacuse our relationship was ripping apart my family becuase they can't stand me with him. They don't think I talk to him anymore, but I do, I'm still in love. He says all he has to do is make the right decisions and he turns everyhting to God. His family is VERY christian, so they support his decison. Please Steve be honest with me and answer my two questions.
1. Is is possible for a crack attick to quit?
2. What goes on at a crack house, sexually? He tells me he only goes and gets high with a buddy of his and has NEVER prostituted himself for money? Am I just that stupid to believe him? Please give me any advice you have. I bought your book and read all the stories on your site, which does put some common sense in me. But I still have faith in him. I'm loosing my mind and can't lived like this anymore. Please give me some advice. Thanks and God bless you.




From:
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Subject: Re: Crack Reality Email
Steve...
Rec'd the book yesterday. Thank you!! My husband really needed to read it He is not a computer geek like me...and doesn't read much except for the daily paper. He read your book all day yesterday & last night.
 He ( just like me! ) loves our son so much but has been so discouraged & negative....he (Dad) is finally feeling not so guilty that we have STOPPED HELPING our CH.
 We are educated retired teachers who have always been responsible citizens. We were raised by good parents & helped each other finish college in the midst of adopting twin sons....M...with lots of health problems....and G now, in a relapse from crack addiction.   We are Blessed with a daughter, S, who keeps us sane. 
In spite of the years of all of this madness,  we have lived a great life as parents. We live in a nice house & have many wonderful friends, and we love to travel & have such fun memories of our travels....& aren't done yet.... !!! Our kids still talk about our camping summers all over the U.S. Somewhere...somehow....G got addicted to crack cocaine. Age 23. He was sober until about 8 years ago... Our other son, M, has had a kidney transplant & heart surgery, & still is in poor health. Don't know their family history. 
I love to read & write...and I will be working on a story to submit to your website.    
Thanks again & again for your help.   I have tried AA, NA, & nothing has helped until reading THE TRUTH on your website. I have not participated in any group discussions yet but I will.
 We also love cats, dogs, horses....all animals! Our daughter, S, has helped CH G to take care of his animals. He adopts them & then neglects them because he loves crack more than them....or us.... wow....what a love addiction!! 
I know Buddy "understands".....& I give your wife,
Char, a big hug.... More later...S
 



From:
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Subject: Submit My Story
 This is an update on a story I submitted in July of 2007. I had discovered my husband of 28 years doing crack in April of 2007. In July he disappeared for 9 days; that is when found this website and submitted my story.
 Well, my husband showed back up. He really didn't even realize how much worry he had put me and my family through by disappearing. We said the only way he could have any relationship with us would be to go to an inpatient program. He agreed and the next day we took him to one. The first place he went to was not helpful. Unsupervised men and women together, people easily leaving, drugs on the grounds and unsympathetic counselors. Within 2 days we took him to a different place - more remote, smaller and very supervised. Incredibly wonderful counselors. Education and support for family members.  I can't say it was easy, but somehow he started to clear his head and change his thinking. To make a very long story shorter, he just celebrated 6 months without crack. I wouldn't have thought it was possible, and I pretty much had kissed our relationship goodbye. His old self has returned. He compares the way he thinks about crack to how an ex-smoker feels about cigarettes. I have been really clear with him from the beginning that I will have ZERO TOLERANCE and he will be gone from our lives if he uses. And I mean it.
 He has no cell phone. He has no money and no access to any and will never have either of those again for as long as I am with him. He still has his job but the money goes straight to me and he has no bank accounts. He has access to a car and is independent in those ways, because he has to be. It's not my job to make sure he doesn't use again or to babysit him.
  He still goes to weekly counseling meetings which he finds helpful. He learned so much from both the inpatient and outpatient programs - about feelings, about patterns of behavior, about the brain and how it works, about relationships...so many things have been addressed.
 The main reason I want to write this is to let you know that the hold crack has on the brain IS able to be broken. It is NOT IMPOSSIBLE. But the responsiblity lies totally with the crack user, not with his/her loved ones. I know that part of his decision to stop had to do with my decision of ZERO TOLERANCE and if he wanted his family to stay, crack had to go. I let him know that I forgave him for the past, but the present and future had to be without drugs.
 But most of his decision had to do with just himself and his facing the reality of how really unfun using drugs is. The reality of what drugs really do to your brain, body and realtionships. It was absolutely necessary for him to get away from home to start clearing his brain and dependency.
One of the things that seemed to help him the most is the realization that you can have thoughts and desires, but that they are fleeting and you can wait them out and they WILL go away. So at first, when he would think of crack, he would wait that thought out and it would go away. Then he could build on that.
 I'm not necessarily thinking this whole nightmare is over forever; I know the possibility exists that he could start using again. But I also know now that I can only control myself and what I do. And I know what I will do if that should happen. And HE knows what I will do, too.
 Our relationship is stronger now than it has been in years; we are very honest with one another and address issues right away. I still have a lot of anger and almost unbelief at how he treated us and the things he did when on crack. But I have decided the past is past and all I really have is now. The great thing is that I am so much stronger now than I was before. I know I can live by myself, without him, and I know my life will be just fine - no -GREAT. And that knowledge is power and allows me to take things a day at a time, and as long as things are going well...we're okay.
 The counselors have told him he is amazing. They think he has done so well partly because he is older (62) and didn't really start using crack on a regular basis until he was 55. So he had many unaddicted years to understand how much better things could be off crack. They also tell him he really GETS IT. And I think he does.
 I really saw the truth in one of the quotes from AA: "Addiction thrives in silence and inaction." You have to do something if your loved one is addicted. You can't stop them, but you can take care of yourself.
 My heart goes out to all of you out there who are dealing with this. Again, I have to thank Steve and this website for giving me the information I needed to understand what was going on with him and what was going on with me as an enabler. Without this website, I don't know if we would be where we are today. Thank you.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Guide to Emotional Freedom
 Hi Steve,

I just finshed your "Guide to Emotional Freedom" and wanted to say thanks for the passion and effort you have put into helping others.

I am very well educated on addiction and as I began reading my first I thought was I had heard this all before. I am very glad I continued reading and you expanded on many of my own theories such as the, "No invovlement rule."

Are you familiar with Families Anonymous (www.familiesanonymous.org)? If not, you might want to check them out and make this a resource for your web page. This national group appears to e in agreement with your prospective and they have meetings for parents who need the support.

I admire anyone with your passion to defeat this disease.

Respectfully,

P
Parents Helping Parents, Inc.
 



From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Steve, my brother is an addict. he is in rehab right now he went in Friday...they are releasing him tomorrow. he has been staying at a place where they do crack. i let him stay with me when him and his wife separated in the beginning of December. he was spending all his money on that stuff. i thought he had made is truck payment but he didn't. anyway his wife isn't willing to let him come home yet and I don't want him going back down to that house to live ...do you think I should let him come back here? Please let me know what to do today...as he is being released tomorrow.his wife said she wanted to see what he was going to do the first week after he got out. Please tell me what to do. he seems like he is censure about getting clean.....thank you for your time.....P




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com; steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story
 My husband just left the house - again - to go smoke crack - again. He was gone when I got home from work. He was apparently boiling some eggs on the stove when he got an uncontrollable urge to do crack. At least he turned the stove off. He came home and acted like nothing was wrong, asked about our daughter at college and then snuck out again without saying anything to anyone. He has written at least 7 checks this weeks that I know of for over $100 each - and we have $6 in our checking account. I told him last night that he had to go to rehab or we are getting a divorce. I can no longer live like this. I had my teeth knocked down my throat last New Year's Day and have permanent nerve damage. None of his former friends will speak to him because he has gone out of his way to alienate everyone so no one sees what he is really doing. I don't know how the bills are going to be paid and the bank will not let me close the j oint bank account without his consent. I do not want my name out there on his bad checks, because I am leaving him and I will not pay his drug bills. He has stolen money from our son and neither of the kids trust him or even want to talk to him - they know that Dad is an addict, or at least that he is not quite right and doesn't care about them. He is wallowing in self-pity and using it as an excuse to get high. I used to care, but I just can't anymore.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hello,
 It sort of seems sometimes that they have a sixth sense and know when to come around when you have some extra disposable income.
 Anyways, keep up the great work.
 D
Madison, WI




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Dear Steve,
 I have been dealing with my boyfriends crack use for 5 years. I have stories enought to write a book. In October he went into rehab and I brought him home on December 18th. I thougth for sure this time it would be different because he had tools and therapy and friends that were in recovery. Boy was I wrong. 7 days ago he left my house in my car to a job interview. I spoke to him during the day to remind him to pick me up at work. I had no key to my house and no car. He spoke to me later on that day and already sounded high. I asked him to come and pick me up and he said he was busy and for me to get a ride. I explained i had no key to the house. He said ok he would be back in a bit. He never came back. I reported him missing and a few days later reported the car stolen. I cruised around yesterday and to my amazement I found him (Thank God) we argued and I was able to get my car back. My car is smashed in alot of places and I had to take it straight to the mechanic to get repairs to the Rack and Pinion etc. to be able to drive it. It will cost me close to 600.00 dollars again to get it fixed. This has happened similar before and i always let myself get hooked. I beleive him time and time again. THat he loves me and all that other stuff you already know. I was desperate here at work and decided to look for help in the internet. I came upon your site by chance and I am so grateful for the things I have read here. I was crying and wanting him back. I regreted leaving him in the streets and was going to look for him again one more time later on today. But thanks to your knowledge and what I have been able to read here today, I will more then anything continue to read your website and educate myself to not go back to this situation. I am not a drug user. I dont even drink. I am a hard worker and a wonderful person who has a lot going for me and I have let this individual come into my life and make it into a distruction. I have wasted and lost my time, money, love and most of all the trust of my children. I trusted in someone that is not worth any of the suffering I have indured. I read all the sayings on your website and it it like listening to him and myself.
 I wanted to take this opportunity to Thank you for starting this more then helpful website that has opened my eyes differently then any meeting or therapy that always leave me in the dark. Please continue to help us. God Bless you and your family.
 Sincerely and gratefully,
 L




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Steve,

I found your website and I had to email you to say thank you. I have a 21-year crack addict daughter who just recently stole my credit card from me and charged $520. I pressed charges and she is currently in jail. I wanted to drop the charges, but after reading your website, thought better of it. Jail is where she needs to be so I won't have to do the unthinkable. Of course, this whole mess is mine and my husband's fault--not hers, or so she tells me......she has been in and out of jails and treatment centers since 14 and has made my life a living hell, until I read your website. I just wanted to say thank you for opening my eyes.
-----Original Message-----




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Wow, is about all I can say. I discovered this past Friday that my ex-husband, age 70 with Parkinson's and other health issues, is a crack addict and is basically running a crack house and has been for the past 6 months. We have been divorced since 1988, however, since we have 2 children and 5 grandchildren, are on "friendly terms". I am devastated for my son who has been trying to "help" him for the past 6 months and keep his activities secret from me and my daughter. Today I am angry with him for putting my son at risk, etc etc. My daughter found your site while searching google for information and it has been a big help to us this weekend and I know will continue to be.
Thanks for all you are trying to do for those of us caught up in this craziness.
C




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submitt my story
  
My story begins as a Job in which I went to work for a old high school friend , I arrived there with intent of helping take care of the mess that was apparently left by his ex wife and ex mother In law trying to take over his business, after been there only 1 week , I soon realised that The boss was always gone , I was the CEO and needed his signatures to pay the Bills that were piling up and the  phone calls were coming in steady from Vendors wanting the payments they were owed . I started trying to track  down the boss . I found him , he was parked down the road hiding behind a clump of trees , crying and I felt awful I bought into the story that he was so stressed out he just had to get away , I became his rescuer , I fixed all the things that I thought would help him and ended up falling in love with this Man , Oh the dreams we had they were so real , the plans we made were just awesome , I was there for 2 more Months , I saw a huge change in him , he began disappearing for days on end , Money went Missing from corporate account $350.000 TO BE EXACT.... I began to question what was happening . I was a Private Investigator by trade , so I began to follow him , trying to figure out what was happening , I saw Casinos , Prostiutes , and then The reality was when I saw him Buying and smoking out in the middle of a parking Lot Crack !
I was in a bad position as I was the CEO of this company and I also had family to support and needed my Income , so I approached his family , trying to reach them to help me get him into Rehab , we failed he freaked ended up taking off to another part of the globe and became a Person living as a Slave     . I found the drugs made him sick not just his health , but his mind he underwent 3 major surgeries and still kept on using . 2 mild heart attacks and he still is using ..
I left and a year later received a call from him claiming that he had cleaned his self up , Foolish me I fell for it went back and lasted 1 month I caught him again smoking in front of the Bathroom Mirror  .
 
B was always making excuses for Money missing , people were always following him , he had people always breaking into his home , his phone lines were taped oh yes His dog was even spying on him , he started to believe that he was Rambo and would go out into fields all night long in snow and rain storms chasing all these people who were following him ..
I left after having a break down , his family had pressured me into staying to make him quit as If I were to leave he would surely Die or commit suicide it was all placed on my shoulders so I finally lost myself to a C/H ..
 
If you suspect he/She  is using why stay ? If money is going Missing and he or she disappears for days face it you have a C/H on your hands..
Please love yourself enough to get away from him or her before they steal your soul , They will steal all they can to get them self High , you do not matter to them  , They will promise you the starts but deliver only Pain and Disappointment I was fortunate enough to have a great support network behind me and I am now far removed from him and his enabling family , I have saved the most important person Myself
 
I wished I had of known that there were places I could go to read and gain knowledge in order to save myself long before I had to go through the pain and let down I suffered , but the Best part of it all Is I AM OK AND FREE , He has no contact with me and as far as I know he is out there somewhere trying to find shelter and food and Crack .
  
 
I truly do not beleve you can trust a C/H ever Sorry if that seems Judgemental , but I personally walked in the shoes of a Life with a Crack head . no Promises are kept its all Lip service
 
 
Sane and Safe at last !L




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi Steve,
Its so weird how all the stories including mine are all different but exactly the same.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 I don't really know why I am on this site but yeah I do, I need help and want help but.
 I am a 51 year black female. I live in North Carolina and have been using crack for 20 plus years. I am diabetic, high blood pressure, etc. Recently a check x-ray showed two spots on my lungs. I had a CT last Friday, haven't got the results. Mt blood pressure is out of control. Today 180/104. I feel horrile. I haven't smoke since Thursday last week.
 I smoke a couple times a week, depending on funds. I usually smoke alone. I am the caregiver for my 92 year old grandmother. She has no idea or maybe she does that I am on drugs. My eractic behavior, highs and lows how can she not. I guess I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I stayed clean six years. I've been using again for the last three years. My dad knew I was using again and he died last April.
 I want to quit but I have all this stress. Using takes me to another level. Caregiving is driving me crazy. However no one else does anything for my grandmother, it's all on me. I am educated and have good job skills, computer literate, etc.
 I welcome some input, thanks




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 my son is 32 years old has been on crack since he was about 18. we have been thru every thing that has been talked about. We have finally realized how we have enabled him all these years in the name of love. He has been in and out of rehabs. My question is how can we get him out of our house, we have told him to leave but he says we can't make him. He knows how to manipulate me ( his mother especially ) When he goes into some of his fits of rage he knows he scares me, although he has never layed a hand on me or his father, he has destroyed personal property and can be so mean. We just want our lives back and our home back. Look forward to your answer,.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: submit my story
 Steve,
 I only have the beginning of my story to submit. I am still in the process of leaving M. M is the father of my six month old daughter. I am an alcoholic and drug addict in recovery in a 12 step program. I have been sober and clean for 2 1/2 years. I have never done anything like crack and didn't know anyone that did it until I entered the 12 step program. I met M when I was 4 months sober and he was 1 1/2 years sober. We started dating slowly after a couple months. I found out I was pregnant a year later. M relapsed on crack while we were together for the first time when he had almost 3 years sober and a month after we found out I was pregnant. We had already made a decision to keep the baby. I was supposed to move in with him the week after he relapsed. He went Christmas shopping for me and his two existing children from a previous marriage. I had no idea what was about to happen. Instead of buying Christmas presents M decided out of nowhere that he would buy crack. He proceeded to smoke crack every single day for the next 3 months. He conned me, his pregnant girlfriend, out of money. He lost his job, his car, his town home, his kids, arrested twice, pawned tv's and dvd players, conned his 92 year grandmother, his mother, .... all in three months! I pawned him out of jail only for him to continue smoking crack every day. I was afraid he would disappear in some crack house instead of show up for court and then I'd be responsible for his 10,000 court bond in full so I pulled his bail. I had to trick him into going outside so they could haul him back to jail. I didn't get my $900 back but I could sleep at night knowing no one was going to come after me for $10,000. His mother then bailed him out. Since I was a drug addict (pills, acid, ecstasy, shrooms etc) I thought I knew what I was getting into when I started dating him. I had no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He had been a crack addict for 10 years before he got clean when I met him. He abused and drained his x-wife (wife at the time) until she had enough. He even stole money from their son's piggy bank. She recently told me that she wouldn't let him leave the house but then started to because he would use his son as an alibi. Saying "I'm going to the store with that baby" and she didn't think he's do drugs with the baby around so she let him. As soon as the son was able to talk he started telling her stories about daddy letting this man in the car and they melted glass together etc. He used his son to go get crack and did it in front of him....while driving...letting these people into the car with him. I never want that to happen to my daughter. So anyway... after jail he is now on probation for his 2nd breaking and entering charge (only crack related). He entered a recovery based half way house. But it's not a treatment center. He got clean there in the past and lived there 13 months out of almost 3 years clean in the past. He then was caught smoking crack IN THE RECOVERY HOUSE. Then he called me a few days later and begged me to pick him up and take him to a meeting. I took him. He then was allowed back to the house. He stayed clean for almost six months. I was due any day and was desperate for a better living situation that I was in. We rented a house together. He smoked crack before our daughter was 2 months old. It's been a couple months clean here, a week or two there...but now it's barely a week. He has pushed me around for more money... oh ya.... one way to try to convince me to stay with him is he asked me to take care of all his money and not give him access to any of it. That does NOT stop him. He gets it some how some way. He saves up dollars here and there, he asks his granny for it, he returns things, he tells his boss it's an emergency....etc. He gets it. He has stolen my wallet for an entire night. He has left with the family car and not returned till morning. He has said he was going to a meeting and then come home high on crack and not realize that I was going to be able to tell. He has said he had to get his tire fixed and never returned... All sorts of things. He doesn't start fits with me.... he just doesn't come home. He is actually REALLY nice to me when he's about to get high. I have no idea why....I guess because he gets excited. I left and moved me and my daughter 5 states away and he convinced me to return....promising he'd stay clean. I have finally left him again a couple months later. I am staying at a friends. He almost had me convinced to return home again with our daughter until I read this site. It's all stuff I have already experienced.... I just needed a slap in the face to wake me up and back to reality. He doesn't even have a week clean.... I am not going to move back. What motivated him to stay clean for the almost 3 years last time was...: he was homeless, no car, no clothes, no money, sleeping under a bridge, when a man picked up on the side of the road. The man offered him some money if he'd perform oral sex on him. M thought about it..and then freaked out and got out of the car. He walked 10 miles to a detox center and was clean for almost 3 years with the help of a 12 step program. I am noticing a problem at my meetings. I am noticing these alcoholic women (like myself) falling in love with these intelligent, charismatic, handsome, seductive CHs. Not knowing what they are getting themselves into...assuming the addictions are all the same because that's what the program teaches us...but it is not. Not many alcoholics go to the extremes that these CH go to. I have seen so many of these women's entire houses pawned by them, cars stolen, ....etc. These are CHs that are clean for 6 months - 3 years relapsing and creating this chaos and heart ache.
So now I face the problem with my daughter. I am not sure how involved I want him in her life. He is threatening to fight for visitation... especially if I move out of state where I have way more support and family. I cannot afford to support her out here. His mother may help with attorney and court fees. I have no money for it. He always seems to figure out how to pass drug tests and gets by. I am afraid he may keep me here and her in his life even though he continues to use crack. I am so afraid.
That's it...I have not healed yet. I have hope. And I continue to pray that my daughter is sheltered from as pain as I am able to keep from her regarding her CH father.
 S in NC




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Steve,
I just wanted to take the time to tell you that I have printed out and read this everyday. My wife is addicted to crack. I am now going through a divorce, I have full custody of my two children. My wife is living with her crack friends now. I wanted to thank you for opening my eyes to what this "drug" really does.
Thanks again Steve, these thoughts and observations have helped me everyday.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 this is my story of being involved with an addict,,
i met a guy who was in a treatment center and had been there for 6 months he said his time there was up, not knowing about addicts i agreed to dated him (that was a mistake) this guy was a mess he started staying with me saying how we could save money living together so i agreed, he got a job but when pay day came he disappeared i found him several days later on a seedy part of town but took him home, he cleaned up, promised me he would clean up from the drugs and not go back to the streets because he now knew that was not where he wanted to be,(the streets) (he knew just what to say) he got another job worked 2 weeks got paid and went missing again after 7 days i found him again, i loved him and could not see him on the streets looking bad and smelling real bad,i could not understand why the streets and crack had such a hold on his mind, but took him home again, he said give him a week so he could clean up he slept and ate 24/7 i paid all the bills which increased double i bought him clothes loaned him money , next thing i know more jewelry started missing,even though i had hid my valuables, He would argue with me over anything, phone calls,talking to the next door neighbor  just so he could leave which he did several more times,he would come home every 3/4 days, by now frustrated, and financial drained. i was missing more money jewelry,movies, anything that could be pawned or exchanged for drugs,several of his friends and family told me he had stole from them and that he has been doing drugs and street thing for years and that i should leave him alone, they said it is going to be hard because i have feelings and don't have any experience with addicts, i sure did not know what he was capable of and that i did not no what i was getting my self into, i thought he loved me which he told me several times,i later found out that is the plan that addicts have, i now no addicts to his extent have to get help from a center or some where professional and him wanting to stop by him self is impossible and me wanting him to stop is not enough, he is now back on the street doing drugs looking bad and calling saying he wonts to come home,,i read addicts that are on the streets are there because they dont like to have any responsibility like paying rent,bills,which i now see that,, i have given up on trying to be there for him he stole from me for the last time he left me broke i did not even have gas money to get to work,, yes it is hard but i cannot help him he can only help him self through "professional help" which i hope he gets, i am trying to get back on my feet financial and emotionally, crack is a horrible drug and so many people more than what we realize are hooked, i hope this story if printed helps some body that is living with or involved with an addict, that the addict has to wont to get help " professional help"and no matter what u do it is up to them
M




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 DEAR STEVE
I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHERE TO START, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU HAVE HEARD THIS ALL BEFORE. BUT SINCE ITS NEW TO ME AND MY HEART IS BROKEN INTO. I NEED HELP TO GET THROUGH THIS PAIN I'M FEELING.
MY HUSBAND IS A CRACKHEAD,HE HAS LIED ,STOLE AND PUSHED ME AROUND BECAUSE HE WANTED MONEY.HE HAS NEVER HIT ME. I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF HIM THAT WAY.BUT YOU REALLY DONT EVER KNOW I GUESS.
WE WERE MARRIED ON AUG 18,2007.WE HAD BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS.WHEN I MET HIM HE WAS SO HAPPY AND FULL OF LIFE.ALWAYS SMILED.THEN AS TIME WENT BY, HE WOULD STAY OUT ALL NIGHT AND COME HOME WITH A BAD HEADACHE AND GO TO BED. ONE MORNING I HAD BEEN UP ALL NIGHT WORRIED ABOUT HIM AND I HAD A IDEAL HE WAS SMOKING CRACK BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY SIGNS.I HAD CALLED A PLACE WHERE I LIVE TO GET HELP FOR HIM. AND THEY SAID HE NEEDED TO COME IN AND TALK TO THEM. THAT MORNING HE CAME HOME AND SAID HE NEEDED HELP.SO WE WENT TOGETHER TO SEE IF HE COULD GO INTO TREARMENT,BUT THEY SAID IT COULD TAKE UP TO 3 WEEKS TO GET ANY HELP. FOR TWO WEEKS HE WAS DOING BETTER AND I WAS SO PROUD OF HIM.THE DAY  AFTER THE TWO WEEKS DATE HE STARTED SMOKING CRACK AGAIN.  
THEN AFTER THAT HE STARTED, STEALING FROM OUR HOME,MY SON.HE WROTE A CHECK TO HIMSELF FROM MY CHECKING ACCOUNT INSTEAD OF PAYING OUR WATERBILL.THE LIST GOES ON. EVEN WAS TAKING PEOPLE IN OUR BASEMENT TO SMOKE CRACK ,UNTIL I FOUND OUT AND I MADE THEM ALL LEAVE AND TOLD HIM HE WAS NOT MAKING OUR HOME A CRACKHOUSE. I HAVE A 11 YEAR OLD CHILD AND I WAS NOT GOING TO LOSE MY SON BECAUSE HE WAS A CRACKHEAD. I WOULD CALL THE POLICE ON ALL OF THEM.ONE NIGHT HE LOOKED AT ME WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES AND SAID PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS ,I WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM HERE AND WE DID. THEN HE MET PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN OUR APARTMENTS WHO LIKE TO DRINK BEER AND HE DID FINE UTIL HE MET ANOTHER CRACKHEAD,THEN HE WOULD GO BACK TO WHERE IT ALL STATRED AND STAY GONE FOR UP TO 4 DAYS . THEN HE STATED DOING BETTER AGAIN AND WE GOT MARRIED. AFTER OUR WEDDING WE ALL WENT TO A BAR WITH PEOPLE IN OUR WEDDING. WELL HE TOOK OFF AND WENT TO DO CRACK AND LEFT ME IN THE BAR. I WENT OUTSIDE THE BAR IN MY WEDDING DRESS TO SEE IF CAR WAS THERE AND IT WAS GONE... ALL I COULD DO WAS CRY............ I GOT A RIDE TO THE HOTEL WHERE WE WERE TO SPEND THE HAPPEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE WITH MY NEW HUSBAND,AND WAIT ALONE. ABOUT 20 MINUTES LATER HE CAME IN THE ROOM HIGH AND ACTED LIKE HIS HAERT WAS IN IT.THEN HE LEFT AGAIN AND STAYED 3 HOURS. I DON'T THINK I CAN EVER FORIVE OR FORGET THAT NIGHT.
WELL ITS BEEN UP AND DOWN SINCE THEN. IT GOT BETTER FOR A COUPLE MONTHS HE WAS WORKING PAYING THE BILLS AND STAYING HOME AND LIFE WAS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE.THEN HE LOST HIS JOB BECAUSE HIS JOB WASN'T PAYING HIM FOR ALL HIS OVERTIME AND WE NEEDED CHRISTMAS MONEY,HE YELLED AT THEM AND THEY FIRED HIM THE NEXT DAY HE WAS SMOKING CRACK AGAIN AND GONE FOR DAYS AT A TIME.
I GOT A GOOD JOB AND WE MOVED 25 MILES FROM WHERE THIS ALL STARTED ...MY DAUGHTER IS 8 MONTHS PREGRANT AND SHE PICKED ME UP TO GO TO THE DOCTOR .WHAT I DIDNT KNOW HE TOOK MY CAR KEY OFF MY KEYRING AND PUT THEM BACK IN MY POCKET.WHILE I WAS GONE HE TOOK MY CAR HE HAS NO DL AND DROVE BACK TO HIS TOWN AND HES BEEN THERE SINCE LAST WEDNESDAY AND TODAY IS TUESDAY THE NEXT WEEK. HE LEFT ME WITH NO CAR AND IS LETTING OTHERS DRIVE MY CAR. I HAVE TALKED TO HIM ONCE AND HE WAS ACTING LIKE HES CRAZY.HE CALLED ME FROM HIS MOMS AND SHE HAS NEVER SEEN HIM LIKE THIS.
I'M SO MIXED UP BECAUSE I LOVE THIS MAN WITH ALL MY HEART AND I CAN'T HELP HIM. I MADE A VOW TO STICK BY HIM AND ALWAYS LOVE HIM BUT AT THE SAME TIME WILL THIS EVER BE OVER .PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME.....

D




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 I met My CH when we were children in 1985 at church. I was about 9 and he was about 12, but I kept my crush in silence. I didn't even talk to him back in those days. I actually tough he was conceited. Our families know each other because we are from the same small town in Mexico. I have always loved this guy but it was a secret crush. He found out about my feelings towards him from one of our friends, like 11 yrs ago. I had a boyfriend at that time and I married him. He had a girlfriend and he married her. Well thank God that we were both taken at that time because he would of destroyed my life. I surely wasn't ready for a crazy guy like him. I am married still for 11 yrs, with that same nice guy, hard worker, no addictions, great husband, father and brother. The crack head guy of my dreams is now divorce, was married only for 6 yrs. no job, criminal record, poor, anxiety problems, possessive and most of the time he is high!! In other words not in his right mind, he can't keep a job for a decent amount of time because his addiction takes over. He has lost total control of the situation!!!
 Well to make the story short, even if I am married to this great guy, I haven't been able to forget about My adorable torment!! About 2 yrs ago, I maid the biggest mistake of my life, I wanted too find out more about his life, the one that could of been mine and wasn't! I just know that every time I see this guy my heart JUMPS with joy!!!  Even if we were both married, when I used to go to church we used to look at each other and our eyes used to say it all! I know is a terrible thing to do specially at church!! We were lusting at each other in the house of the Lord!! And the worst thing is that we were married!
 Well he gave me his phone number and of course I was HAPPY even dough I was a married woman and still am, (THANK GOD). I can't believe I 'am still married after all the drama that I've gone through!! I knew that the guy had problems because his mom used to ask for prayer all the time in his behalf. Everybody knew he had issues, I was just to blind to see!!!  Well we started talking on the phone just like friends, I used to give him positive advise. WE both were noticing that we had too much in common! We used to miss each other when we didn't talk on the phone. I had never felt that in my life. Not even with my husband!! The difference about my husband and him, is that he is too charming!! He says the perfect words at the perfect time!! Probably like many Crack Heads do!! Right?!?  
 My husband has never been charming at all!! I am going to admit to all of you, just because I know that my husband will not read this.  For me it seemed so right, I felt extremely comfortable talking to this CH, way more comfortable then talking to my husband, one of the reasons is because we have so much in common, both of our parents are from the same ranch in Durango Mexico, of course we had to click. Are personalities are so much alike!! Is like if we were both raced in the same household. Same jokes, food, songs, church, families, same ranch. We are probably far away relatives who knows!? The point here is that we started to get too much involved! We didn't care of the circumstances. I didn't care if he had an addiction and no job. He didn't care if I was married, if it cost him his marriage and life and if I had Lupus. Because I do.
 When I started talking to him he was separated, but not divorced. When his wife found out that he was talking long hours on the phone with a lady from church (the lady was me) She was extremely offended she found out more stuff and she filed for divorce. I understand her frustration. He seemed not to care. The wife was expecting for him to change and fight for her, but he never did. He was all ready to hooked on me. At that time, all that was going trough my mind was, I finally have the guy of my dreams!! and I 'am been correspond, all the perfect words that were coming out of his mouth were driving me crazy. The words, his face and body were just asking for trouble! 
 
Honestly with all the respect that my husband deserves, my adorable husband has never been physically attractive, he is cute but not FINE! His gift is that he is very responsible with his work and family!!  I have No problem with that!! My problem is that he has never shown affection, extremely keeps everything to himself. (only at the time of Sex.) Has never been the ROMANTIC type. I am extremely romantic just like that crack head was. There has never been good communication between us! I honestly felt and still feel that i was lacking of emotional affect or of love. In the contrary this CH has physically always been the guy of my dreams!!! Too bad that he is in such a mess!! This guy doesn't even have to talk with only a smile of his I can LOOSE MY MIND. Getting married to someone that I don't have nothing in common with and that physically doesn't turn me on, was one of my biggest mistakes! I was just to young and stupid not realized the stupidity that I was going to make!! He is a great responsible guy, but that doesn't guaranty happiness and with the crack head it doesn't either. Well now that I have gone trough all this drama with the crack head I definitely realized that I was never in love with my husband. We have a beautiful daughter together who is 8yrs and she even got attached with the CH
 The CH and me used to talk for hours on the phone. Are conversations were very interesting and fun.  It was like talking to a long time friend. Of course we used to do this behind my husbands back when he was at work and like he has two jobs it made it easier for CH and me to get away with many things. For example, he used to cook for me! When I came out of school I was always hungry and he had a Delicious plate of food prepared just for me, by him. At first I didn't believed that he knew how to cook but his own mother told me and I have also seen him cook. Only a couple of old good friends new what was going on and of course they disproved. Who in there right mind is going to approve? 
Well for us talking on the phone wasn't enough, our bodies wanted each other! I used to pick him up from his house because he didn't have a car, forgetting about my husband who didn't deserve this!!
All I could thing about every second was him. We finally kissed. We were alone at pacific coast HWY. My husband was not even on my mind, I got so involved with this gut that I forgot about my morals and values. For me this guy was my eternal happiness. He showed me his love when he had the chance to go back and make up with his wife and didn't he said that he preferred to loose her then me!! He showed me his love by cooking for me, by getting a job and letting me take care of his money once in a while, when he was stronger then crack! In rare occasions but he did, by getting the bus to come to see me, by writing lovely letters to me
And Talking on the phone like if he was desperate.
 We both lost shame and got intimate. It was incredible, we were like that every opportunity we had. Of course I was love blinded. He used to disappear, but came back looking for me. I was convinced every fucken time!! (sorry).  We were like that for 2 crazy yrs. He disappeared for 3 days like every week and of course used to loose his job. Since the Beginning of this crazy relationship it was like that, but I didn't want to admit it and he came back again and again and stupid me almost lost my marriage for something not even worth it. He blames every body for his addiction.  He puts the blame on his Ex high school sweet heart that broke up with him because of that, on his wife because she left him instead of understanding him, on the death of his father, to all the opportunities that he has blown, and now his excuse to get high is that he is in love with a married women!! And that is me of course. He wants every body to feel guilty!  look he has had this addiction for about 11 yrs. You cannot keep anything a secret in my town!!!!
I even told him if you change I would leave my husband because you are my happiness!! I love you with all of my mind and soul. I know I will always love you now.   After all this years of craving you, and now that I've had you in my arms and kissed your lips I want to HELP you get trough this. I believe in you!!  I am not willing to let you go!! My plan was for me to end up with him, but if he was mature enough to change!!! In all those two drama yrs my husband never found out!! I know It's a terrible thing to do to any body, but this guy had always captured my attention even if it was the wrong thing to do. I understand that me been married might of affected him even more!! He used to tell me , If you leave your husband I will marry you, we will both do was right and serve the Lord together!! When I was involved with my CH I stopped getting intimate with my husband. The excuse I used to give my husband was that I was to tired because of my disease Lupus. Lupus by the way can affect intimacy as well. Lupus can make you feel like if a truck ran over you. I know is a terrible thing to do, blaming my disease for not having sexual desire!
I told my husband some stuff about this guy, I had to let some things out of my chest. I told him that I used to love him when I was a child, I didn't admit what I did. (MY infidelity.) How was I !!?? All the town knows that this guy is a big drug addict, how embarrassing and how humiliating for me!! I also told my husband that ounce in a while we used to talk on the phone. Of course my husband was very upset!! My husband things he was only a friend from my town that I used to like when I was a child and that now I wanted to help him with his recovery. My husband things that I only gave him advise and phone numbers of rehap centers and of people that have been CH. And I did so, but I did more then that and I am ashamed.
 Well The guy knew that I was nuts for him and probably just took advantage of stupid me. He new that if he changed I was ready to pack my bags and leave no questions asked! He knew that he was my dream, but also knew that if he wanted me as much as I wanted him he had to make a sacrifice and CHANGE! I told him one million times that between my husband and me there was nothing going on, that after what we did I didn't feel anything for my husband and that to please believe in me!! The CH told me that he did believe in me, he knew the type of women that I am. He knows my family and knows that we are decent people, that if I was doing what I was is because I was in love.
 I was willing to ruin my reputation, to accept criticism for someone that's not even worth a tear of mine. He stole $10 from me ones and I found out because I knew that I had them in my purse and when I left him home they were automatically gone!! I was so pissed off!!   I couldn't do anything about it, when I called his house that same day he was all ready gone to CRACK LAND! :( 
 4 days later he called sounding so pathetic! I let him have it that day! I told him don't think I don't know that you stole my $10! He said in a shocking voice when!!?? Thing what ever you want? I said, is better if you confess, because I saw you!! I was just testing you to see if you would take them, you were so stupid that you felt for it. I said, is not the $10 that hurts me is that I lost your trust!!! Get It! He finally admitted and said I swear it's the first and the last time that I still from you!! I don't want to loose your friendship over something so stupid. So we got happy again and continued our lousy relationship for another more months with ups and downs. More downs then ups.
 He started to disappear from his mothers house more frequently and blamed it on me for been married! I told him I am tired of you blaming me or other people for your wick mind!! It is not my fault that you choose that life style!! Don't you have BALLS !! He used to convince me by saying, I need you to get me out of this mess!! This thing is more powerful then me!! If you are not with me then I should just let my self die!! I want you just for me, If you were divorced I would do anything for you!! I would work two jobs just to live comfortable the 3 of us. Me, you and your daughter, who I love with all my heart.
He said ones, the way you are addicted to me that's the same way I'm addicted to crack. we know it's bad and we still wanted. He had a point there, but I wished he was only addicted to me!! He used to tell me God is never going to bless this relationship, because you are married!! He had a point there two.
 He used to blame me and then begged me too not leave him!! That was driving me CRAZY!  Two times he called me from the street after disappearing for 7 days! He called me to pick him up from CRACK LAND! He called me crying and told me that he looked like a homeless to not be afraid. My heart just broke and of course I went to pick him up!!
The second time I picked him up in Hollywood!!!!!!! All I had in my mind was, what in the hell is he doing in HOLLYWOOD ?!? OH my GOD probably he is a male prostitute! Is that how far he has gone for crack, I don't even want to think more. And I said to myself, that's the guy I want to leave my husband for I must be smoking it too!!!!! I am acting like a CRACK HEAD TOO!! When I saw him, he was with out shoes, dirty looking, he smelled so terrible, his smell was 100% alcohol!! His lips were burned from smoking that crack!! He was only gone for 7 days. only God knows what he has done!!
I' am so stupid that I forgave him, looking like that!!! When He got in my car I told him to sit in the back seat because he smelled terrible! I told him. this is the last time I ever want to see you!! Don't ever call me again!! He looked at me and still had the pride to jump out of my car with out shoes after I went and picked him up! He said if you don't want me in your life I want to stay here until I die!!! My heart was shattered and of course I didn't have the heart to leave him so I begged him to jump in the car please!! He asked me can I call you again? I said of course!! You know that I love you and it hurts me to see you in this condition!! I can't help you, You need to help yourself. How can you like this life??
You are pulling me away from you don't you understand!!!
I forgave him and we were happy, until the next crack craving came along. When he gets high he gets lost from everybody!! Mom, relatives, job, me. EVERYONE, it's like if the ground would swallow him!! He always gets lost for 3 or more days in a row!! When he works, he is just waiting for his paycheck to get lost and get high again!!! It's like a fucken roller coaster, but backwards!!! Most off the time he doesn't even have money with and still gets high!! I don't even want to imagine what can he be capable of doing for that devils candy!!
 I have spoke to his older sister and his mother, they know about us . They know who I 'am, they know I'm married and of course they don't want me to destroy my marriage because of him!! They have told me scary stuff about him! They told me that he even tried to kill his wife with a knife!! That he had the knife in his hands and called his mother on the phone that moment, the mother sensed that something bad was going to happen, she started praying in a loud voice, just casting out demons in the name of God. He started crying and got down on his knees. He felt that he was possessed by the devil!! Then he dropped the knife on the floor! Well of course they are possessed!! No wonder all crack heads loose their mind!! All crack heads can be capable of something like that!!  Lets not forget that once you have damage your brain it's irreparable!! Crack Heads are frying their brain every time they consume crack and they just don't give a dam!!! Why should we give a dam about them!! They go to Crack Land because they love it. No body takes them, they go on there own! We loose our sleep because of them!!
His sister told me: forget about my brother! Think of your daughter! Never listen to him again!! Why do you want a druggie in your life or near your child? What's wrong with you??? Don't feel sympathy for him!! I'm the one that told his ex to leave him!!! You have to be strong and leave!! He is in too deep with drugs!! He has been addicted for 11 yrs! What makes you think that you can change him? He hasn't change for his wife or for any body. He doesn't want too. He has to do it for himself. And if he dose change, for how long? Aren't you afraid of relapses. He has been relapsing all his life! Why do you want a life like that?? Why do you want to live in fear?? 
After that conversation I decided to change my phone number, that only worked for one week because he went to my job and convinced me one more time and stupid me gave him my number again. Why ? because I'm stupid and wick minded, just like a crack addict!!!!!
He failed me again and again and again!! My hope was for him too someday recover so that we would be happily ever after! But that only happens in movies! like 10 months passed when I decided to change my phone number again
because I just had enough with this lunatic crack head! I asked my self, why should I lose my sleep and appetite and enter into a hole of depression for this ass hole, who doesn't even remember me when his in CRACK LAND. He doesn't even think of me!! I could die of an anxiety or heart attack and him, laughing in stupid Land! It doesn't make any sense. What is he doing for us to be together??? Nothing. So all the thinking that I did made me change my number again, for the second time.  This happened right after Valentines day on the 13, 2008. Today is 2/26/08 and I haven't hurt from him yet! I' am staying strong too not call that looser. I don't deserve that and I know that my husband doesn't deserve me either!!
 My husband is probably in denial!! He knows too much and still wants me! He can investigate more if he wanted to but for the sake of our daughter and to prevent a smashed heart, he prefers to keep it like that. Not to know!! He could of easily fallowed me in his car too see where I went, or call his mother to find out more stuff. But he prefers to believe me and live happy! I cant believe I did this to him!! Even if he doesn't know my infidelity, I feel terrible!! I regret with all of my heart the moment when I first called the CH! That's the way it first got started, I should of ripped that paper into tiny little pieces! I don't understand why I felt into temptation. Specially with a drug addict. I had never made stupid decisions in my life until now, that I 'am 31 yrs. I hope that he forgets about me, so I can forget about him. I am praying to God to give me straight to not call and to reject him!!! He can't call me anymore but he does know were I work and were my friends work. Every time I want to end this, he tries to look for me and has even pressured me to have sex. When he feels that I 'am going to brake up he says, If you leave I will go to your husbands work and tell him everything and show him your letters and pictures. It doesn't get stupider then this!! I was so stupid for giving him letters and pictures.
 I just hope that all this ends in piece and that he meets someone else so that he can stop torturing me. Just pray for me!! Even if I don't deserve it. I also need divine help!! I feel trapped!! If I knew this was going to end in all this drama, I would of never called him.
but please don't judge me harshly.




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email
 Hi Steve,
I just have to write and tell you that reading your Thoughts and Observations was like reading my own life. Yes..I am an addict in recovery. You pointed out many things I never even relised before. It made me really think about what I put my family and poeple who care about me through. I use to be that person banging on windows and doors all hours of the night and threatening money out of whoever I could. And blaming the one closes to me for everything that is wrong with me.
It is insanity. Complete insanity. The things I have done to people are unspeakable. Things I have done to myself just as bad. This site has really made me step even further back and take a real good hard look at my past behavior. A video of myself looking like a maniac high would be the only thing to make it more solid. Which my grandmother use to tell me she was going to do.
 I just wanted to thank you for this resource given to the ones us addicts drag into our misery. I am so ashamed. But I have accepted that I can not change what I have done. But I most certainly can make sure it doesnt ever happen again.
  With much respect,
An appreciative addict in recovery




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit Story
 Hi Everyone
 I am an enabler…and cannot seem to stop myself…I am 37 and he is 44. He has been using drugs since he was 13…but of course….I’m only finding out the real history of my CH…
 I met my CH about 18 months ago….we moved in together 7 days after our first date and he was a dream…2 months into our relationship I caught him smoking crack and told him I would never date a CH….at that point I should have RUN and never looked back….but I let him stay and now I feel so trapped….but at the time, he stopped for about 3 months until he slowly started using again until 5 months later it was totally out of control, he lost his job and I kicked him out….he wouldn’t stop calling, crying and begging for help...
 I went and picked him up at his flop house (like I did everyday), but this time I drove him 3 hours away to rehab, and dropped him off…he stayed for a month and got himself kicked out….he stayed away from his old friends and routine and he stayed clean for 5 months….
 Like everyone else’s story, he owes me thousands of dollars, I pay all the bills and make sure the house is clean and there is food to eat. I even took his son out for his birthday, my CH was supposed to meet us after work…in the end my CH couldn’t make it…he decided the crack was more important than his son’s 16th birthday…. he is in construction and things were slow now over the winter so he went to see some “old friends”…and in a matter of days he was using like he was at his peak before rehab.
 We went to Cuba for a holiday and a week away and a break from being able to get any crack, I told him stop when we’re back or that’s it, it’s over…..2 days after we were home is was back at it, and 4 days ago he smoked 5 balls himself and just about killed himself….3 days of severe bodily pain and crying on the couch…but as soon as he was able he left and used again…I don’t think I love him anymore….but I do pity him…it is winter and -20 today…so I don’t have the heart to throw him out….My threats are empty and he knows it…I hope I find the strength I need one day….and I hope for my CH that he finds the inner strength he needs…
 My heart goes out to every partner and family members of a CH….I am now but an empty shell of the happy person I was once…
 M




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
  I just found out my wife of one year is using crack. Everything was really good for about 5 months and then one night she went out while I was sleeping. Came back at 5am acting drunk and went to bed saying how sorry she was.
 The next time was 2 months later, same deal. I told her that I couldn't live like that, her drinking all night.
 Then she stopped eating and lost lots of weight, becoming more distant than her normal self.
A few eeks later she disappeared all day this time and when she came home, I left. 
Ever since this day she has gone downhill quickly, she only calls me when she wants money, just hand it to her and off she goes, she says she needs time to work things out between us.
 When I do see her she believes the police are following her and want to kill her or put her in jail, also is usually extremely agitated and screams when her plans are questioned at all.
 She continues to call with stories for money, but recently found out she has another man living in her home.
 Is this her choice of lifestyle and should I just let her go.
 I still love her inside and wonder what happened to our lives and plans we shared..was it all a lie?




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story 
My brother is a crack head. He is now 28 years old and has ruined my family. My mom is his best friend/enabler. She has tried to “save” him so many times, we all have. He has been March -Man acted, Baker acted and kicked out of 4 rehab centers. He has sold crack to an undercover cop and been arrested. He has smoked crack on the way to court dates and in front of my mom and myself.. He can not and will not stop. He has stolen my mom’s car, money, big screen TV and jewelry, broken down her bedroom door when she was away and stayed up for 5 days. He stole my dad’s laptop computer, and Movado watch. He has stolen Christmas presents from under my tree when I was allowing him to live with me. He also made an enemy and my car was keyed. He drank every bit of alcohol and ate all the food in my refrigerator.  He stayed with my 86 year old grandmother in Rhode Island and cleaned out her bank account, forging her signature and cashing her pension checks. Depleting her life savings to nothing.
His last heist was when he would take my moms ATM card and withdraw $100 - $200 daily totaling $1400 when she finally realized. He is living part time with a local crack head woman and has use of her car to go and score crack for them. He is clean looking and showers daily.. He keeps up appearances and that’s part of his denial. He used to go crazy if anyone even said the word “crack” But that was 5 years ago when this was new. Now he is only offended by the word “baser” and swears he is not one of those.
He is raging alcoholic as well, and will drink anything he can get his hands on. He will down bottles of Grey Goose or Crown Royal that my mom has at the house, or even wine or champagne until he throws up. He reeks of alcohol all the time.
He lies about everything to all of us, and he robs his friends also. He has tried to sell sneakers and clothing to my friends when he was staying at my house. He gets mad very easily, usually if you say “no” to anything. He will beg and beg for money and always promises to pay you back. He will come up with stories about driving a delivery truck and running out of gas to get strangers to hand over money. He has threatened me and my dog, saying he would break my dog’s neck if it went near my mother, whom the dog knows and loves.
If you tell him “no” he will threaten to kill himself or pretend a drug dealer is going to beat him up so you feel bad and give him money. He will steal from anyone anytime and has no remorse or conscience. He has ordered hundreds of dollars of porn video from my and my mom’s TV. He makes a habit of hanging out with younger, less street smart kids, and establishing trust and friendship while robbing them blind, and or getting them addicted to crack as well. He is a monster and not the brother I once knew and loved.
My mother, after promising to not let him back in her home, has forgiven him yet again and is now not talking to me because I refuse to join them (including the crack whore) for Easter dinner. The End




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Cc:
Subject: Submit My Story
 Here is my story:
I am a single mother, with 2 children, same father: THE CRACK HEAD. I have been with him since I was 17 years old. I joined my life, as a teenager with him who was all ready a par-tier (drinking). So, I ended up drinking with him. They also would smoke pot, and did experiment with Acid, and Mushrooms. Yeah, no big deal. I never fell into that range, I just drank with them. I ended up getting a good job, still to this day, and basically, supported him, while he ended up always going from job to job.
 Well, after my first daughter , and he couldn't handle it, I ended up buying the house we had lived in and rented for just me and my daughter. I left him. Then, 2 years later, I ended up taking him back, had another baby with him (7 years later) , still living in the same house, that I own , and now he's addicted to crack. I just love it... It makes me sick. I have tried so hard to give my kids a normal life, and all he can do is screw it up. This last breaking point, he spent 900.00 in a matter of 27 hrs. After he promised me he was done, and he was not going to drink, or do drugs anymore. So 2 weeks later, after I left my guard down, it happened again.
 I have read all of the articles on this web site, and they are so helpful. I have copied the web site to give to his mother, because she just does not realize what we are really dealing with. I have tried to tell them, and they just think that hell get over it. Yea, well they are not the ones who are getting their bank account drained ever week. My kids are suffering, because they have to deal with the agitated moods that he gives them. I am at my wits end, I don't know what I should do anymore. Now the plan is that he is seeking intensive outpatient therapy, he tells me he does not want to live this life anymore, but I just still am scared that it will just happen again. The next relapse, and what will happen this time, how much money will be gone, or who's life will be taken, or gone?
 Thanks for the web site, it really helps see the real truth...
S




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 Thank you for this site. I read THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS and it has given me the strength to separate myself from my brother. My thoughts and tears are hurting me so much and doing nothing for him. I realize there is nothing I can do. My family is just now realizing he has probably been addicted to crack for years. He has recently become homeless and has hit rock bottom (or close it seems). For years, my family has tried to help him with his depression and it seems the last few years we were actually supporting his habit. Oh how we hurt. So many tears and so much time, money &energy spent. All we can do is hope and allow the door to be open just a "crack" so that they may have a place to come home to if they ever fully recovery.
Peace to you all on your journey and peace to the addicts on theirs.
S




From:
Sent: To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story
 Steve:
 
 I have to admit that everything I have read here is true about crack addiction. Although I do think that alcoholism is far worse when is come to people dying and the Dts from this big denial disease but both have the same consequences.. Jails, institutions, or death (or recovery). Not to mention broken lives, sad parents and children, discussed wives or husbands, boyfriends girlfriends etc.(the list does go on...)
 So I was a recovering alcoholic that slipped about ten years ago after 6 years of bissful sobriety, I chose to use again. I have been struggling every since ( Im no saint). I have used every drug there is in my live every way that there is to use them. But my drug of choice is alcohol and I like pot alot.
 A couple three mo's ago I met this girl in Ohio, (I'm from Oklahoma). She was a manager of the motel I stayed in as I was working out of state there.Well we hit it off right away and I started hanging out with her alot after I'd get home from work helping even clean rooms and do some light maintenance around there.I had my own room but she wanted me to stay up in her room at night most night which I did.
I am not naive about drugs but I really haven't been around alot of crack because I always hated the shit, but I did know something was funny. I was drinking alot with the other construction guys from the motel and they hung out in the front with us all watchin TV and smokin pot etc...She was always goin in her bathroom while we partied and i was not stupid I knew .The I caught her breakin the shit down in a spoon with baking soda and at first she said she was testing it to see if it was any good for someone else.I was angry because I know the lies and deciet that come with the usage of crack and I walked out that night.Only to come back 5 hours later and sleep with her.To make a long story short of this segment It got worser I decided to start using coke with her ( If ya cant beat em join em) I thought as I was snorting the coke and she would smoke.
 That last week was hell for me she was running around dealing it and had all these black guys hanging out( I aint prejiduce but they were pretty freakin scary to me) I got scared and quit my job on the road and ran like hell back home to Oklahoma.
 I am home now but this story is not over yet......
 So I came home and she of course will not leave me alone (I am such an enabler). She left the next morning too, quit the motel, and goes to stay with her dad at his house there in Ohio and continues to use. All the time calling me wanting to be with me and me being the co-dependant that I am from growing up in an alcoholic sick drug addicted family. I bought her a bus ticket here. First thing she does is has a gram when she arrives and smokes in my house (scary). Then of course she wanted more. I said " I dont use the shit and I cant find it" She tells me she can so we go around looking for it luckily to no avail. as we were drinking to mask it and of course as I said I drink daily so she drank all my beer with me.
As I write this I have since sent her back home we will not be communicating anymore because my addiction and hers combined is like a time bomb I know. I do love her but we both need help.She is mad and feels I have turn against her but I just got through reading all of these stories this again and realize I made a wise decision , I just hope I can stick to my guns. And maybe By the Grace of God she will get help and I will too.
God bless everyone of you
Thanks
 J




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Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 Dear Steve
I am living in hell and I can not find the exit! My name is Lynda. I am the mother of a crack addict. Leah is a beautiful young woman of 31 years old, separated from her husband, and they have a 4 year old son, Nicholas of whom I have custody. I am a paralegal for an attorney in NC. Needless to say, all the local police officers, other attorneys, Judges, and clerks know me and most of them also know my daughter. We are a decent, hardworking family who believe in God.
When Leah was growing up, she had so much ambition. She was a majorette in high school, numerous beauty pageant crowns, popular with the student body and life looked good. Until she met Crack! For the past 10 years that she has been using I will have to admit that for a long time, I didn’t know. I knew something was wrong but I never suspected drugs. Leah is in her second marriage. The first one failed for the same reason the second one has……. Drugs. Both husbands were users and it was the first one that introduced her to crack. In the last year it has gotten worse than ever. She has not had a job, moved in with me and just quit trying to do anything to help herself. I have came to realize since reading and educating myself that I am the “enabler.” She knows how much I love her and what kind of mother I have always been and she has used that to get what she wants from me. Her baby is her debit card. I have done everything to help her. I bought her a car so she could get a job and have a way to work. Instead, she took the car to “crack town” and rented it out to drug dealers to run dope in exchange for her crack.
This past Thanksgiving was the worst yet. She was supposed to bring Nicholas to my office on Wednesday to watch the Christmas parade and then we were going to take him to see Santa. I waited and waited and they never showed up. I went home and they were not there. I knew then that she had relapsed and was gone. I went to “cracktown” to look for them. For three days I walked in the cold rain showing their pictures to the druggies on the street asking if they had seen them. On Thanksgiving night I was walking down one of the streets close to a crack house when a black man wearing a hoodie over his head stepped in front of me and told me to “leave his hood.” I told him that I was looking for my daughter and grandson. He pulled a gun out of his jacket and told me that I was drawing to much attention and if I didn’t leave then I wouldn’t be able to leave. I was terrorified and really believed that he was going to shoot me. I told him to go ahead and kill me because without my grandson I didn’t have nothing to live for anyway. I walked away praying that I wouldn’t die. I went to my car and cried until it turned into screaming and pounding my fist on the dash. I called my husband and he met me at the police station where we reported them both missing.
On Sunday night I received a call from the police that the car had been located but neither my daughter or the baby were in it. I was put in a room at the police station while they went to pick up the guy who had the car. He told them where Leah and Nicholas were and the officers brought them to the police station. This was only the beginning of a nightmare. Since then, we have had a roller coaster of promises and weeks of staying clean then she is gone for 2 or 3 days and comes back. After the incident in November, we took the keys to the car. She has managed to con me once by telling me that she was going to the store on the corner for cigarettes and took off for 2 days. Two weeks ago she took my husband’s truck on Thursday and left. The next day my husband found his truck and took it from her but she wouldn’t come home with him so he left her on the street. The following Monday morning my cell phone rang and Leah wanted me to come get her and take her home. It was cold, raining and she was scared, and hungry. When I went to where she was, I immediately saw that she had been in a fight. She told me that she had been jumped the night before and robbed. My husband and I told her that she couldn’t come back home but we would take her to a hospital for substance abuse or she could stay where she was. We called and made arrangements for her to check in a hospital in Winston-Salem, NC. My husband took her up there but they wouldn’t keep her. The counselor said that Leah wasn’t ready to commit and they wouldn’t take her. He brought her back home.
For ten days she talked about getting a job, going back to school and called and registered for out-patient counseling with Daymark. On Friday I took her for her “assessment” appointment and she has an appointment to begin on Wednesday. Leah won’t make it to her appointment. She is in jail.
Friday afternoon we met her husband to pick up Nicholas for his visitation. By the way, Tim is staying clean, has a job and seems to be doing good. He is still living with his parents and they are with him when he has Nicholas. When Tim and his Mom left with Nicholas, Leah got in the car and started screaming at me to give me her money! It lead into a ranting tyrant like I had never seen before. She screamed at me, called me names, threatened me and told me that she was going to get some money if she “had to rob somebody to get it.” She tried to jump out of the car and was going crazy. I went to my husband’s office and he came out and she calmed down but still kept saying that she wasn’t sitting home that night and she was tired of being housed up like an animal, no car, no money, just sitting home with nothing to do. I told her that she brought it on herself because we couldn’t trust her with the car. We have had to fix her car 3 times from where it has been torn up by people she has “rented” it out to. I saw this was leading into another fit so I left.
Leah called my phone and wanted to know if I could take her to a friends house. I picked her up at home and dropped her off. These friends are not druggies. I called over there about an hour later to check if she needed a ride home. They told me that she told them that she wasn’t staying at their house that she only used that to get away from me and then she left their house walking. I haven’t seen her since.
Leah called our house about 10:00 a.m. the next morning and wanted to know the number of a bails bondman and said she needed $150 to get out of jail. I didn’t go get her and as far as I know, she is still there. I don’t know what I am going to tell her little boy when he comes home and wants to know where his mommy is. This child has been through so much because of his parents.
I love my daughter so much and I can see now that she has used my love for her to get what she wants from me. She has used her son like he is a debit card for a free place to live. We can’t trust her to give her the car to go out and find a job and even if she did, we can’t trust her to go to work. She goes to “cracktown” every time she gets a chance to leave the house. On numerous occasions Leah has jeopardized the safety and welfare of her own baby by taking him down there in that filth and exposing him to the danger. She has befriended these people and does not appreciate the risks she is taking and how easy she could be raped and killed.
Leah was a sweet, funny, wonderful girl before this came into our lives. Now she is someone I don’t even know. She has a foul mouth, loud and vulgar every where she goes. She has absolutely no pride in herself anymore. I know she loves Nicholas but she doesn’t want him. He is an exceptional child with an awesome personality. I had to put him in daycare because I couldn’t depend on his own mother to be home to take care of him while I went to work. When she was home with him she slept all day and didn’t fix him anything to eat, play with him or take care of him.
I pray every day for Leah that she will want to get well. I want to do what is right for her. It has been so hard leaving her in jail and I dread when she gets out. I know there is going to be a confrontation. She is going to want to come home to get her clothes without any regard whatsoever of Nicholas being here and upsetting him when she does. She blames me for everything wrong in her life so I am sure that this will be my fault somehow.
During the past year that she has lived in our house Leah has stolen several pieces of my deceased Mother’s jewelry, a few pieces of my jewelry, a TV out of her bedroom, the DVD player in her son’s room, my husband’s tools, new pressure washer, weedeater, leaf blower and several other things from our out building, and I have suspected that she has taken money from my purse although I don’t know for sure. Before moving in with us, Leah pawned every Christmas present, and birthday present that I gave her, including a video camera I bought her when Nicholas was born. She doesn’t own a single thing that is worth a dime. All of her furniture and household things are gone. She has nothing of any tangible value. I bought her a beautiful sapphire and diamond ring for Nicholas to give to his Mom for Christmas and in a month it was gone as is the rest of her jewelry. My daughter is a Christian and I never would have dreamed anything like this would have ever been a problem for her.
Leah has almost drained me financially with all the added expense she has put on me. This past February, I had a nervous breakdown and can not get on my feet again for all the stress, bickering and drama that she keeps going on all the time. I know that somewhere inside this crackhead is my daughter and it is breaking my heart that she is lost even to her own self. She suffers from depression, and can’t sleep. Leah would go for months and months and not use. Now she usually goes about 2 weeks. This past month she has taken off 3 times which is more than she has in the year she has lived here. I have told her that if she goes back, not to come back. She went back. I don’t know what to do. I struggle with “what if” I turn her away and she gets killed. Or “what if” she really means it this time and I don’t take her then she won’t ever get well. I really believe she wants to be better but for some reason she can’t stay off of it. I love her so much but I can’t take this anymore. Nicholas needs his mother but he doesn’t deserve to be put through any more of this. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was hang up that phone on Saturday morning. I don’t know where to turn anymore. I am scared. Please pray for us. I have attached pictures of my daughter and grandson.
 




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 I am the mother of a 37 year old female crack addict. She started when she was around 15 years old. She never stayed at home when on the drug.  Most of the next four years we did not know where she was. We tried at least 3 re-habs during the course of the next 4 years, but nothing helped, she would just leave the re-habs. I had 3 other children at home during this time, but most of my time and energy was spend on saving “J”.  From time to time she would come home saying she wanted to do good but would stay long enough to gain a little weight back and then take off again. She had 2 abortions and one live birth during this time.
When she was almost 17 I was called to pick her up at the police station for loitering. When I was leaving with her the policeman say to me “Oh, by the way she is pregnant”. I took her to a clinic and the results came back positive that she was pregnant. She was 5 month along but so thin from the crack that no one would have even know she was pregnant. We had a long talk and she and decided that abortion was out of the question. She said that if she could come home she would do the right thing.  She came home and did an excellent job of staying clean, taking vitamins, going for walks with me. We had a time finding a doctor that would even take her because of her drug use during the first 5 months of her pregnancy.   Finally after I broke down and cried in one of the doctors office’s he said yes he would deliver the baby, but Jennifer had to stay clean or he would quit. I was there during delivery. In fact I cut the cord of a beautiful healthy baby girl. There was nothing wrong with her at all. When baby Valerie turned 4 months Jennifer started going out and doing the crack again. Soon she was off and running. Baby Valerie ended up with my ex husband and his wife who could not have children of their own. Finally Jennifer turned 18. She was picked up for breaking the law and sentenced to 30 days in jail. Of course she called for me to bail her out and I said no. By now she had burnt all her bridges and had no choice but to stay in jail. Unfortunately by now she had contracted the HIV virus. Her family was devastated, I cried every night imagining her dying. This time however, she did straighten out when she came home. She went NA meetings where she meet another recovering addict. They soon moved in together and everything was fine for many years.  She took her HIV medication and was fine and at times the virus was undetectable. This relationship lasted 5 years. She meet someone else and settled in with him. They had two children, both healthy with no signs of HIV. They are 8 and 9 years old today. That relationship also did not last but around 5 years. She did very well on her on with the two kids. She had an excellent job and was given an award for Best Customer Service one of the years she was working.
Everything seemed fine until an old flame came back into her life. At first she seemed happy. Let’s face it, when someone is HIV positive it is hard to have a relationship with another person. The other person usually runs the other way. This one did not run. He smothered her with affection and flowers. She ate it up and seemed desperate for a relationship. Soon after she quit her good job and moved with him to the other side of the State. She called me a couple times a week. Soon I received a call that financially things were not good. She told me that the guy she was with was doing pain killers at the expense of $400 a week. She said she would talk to him and she was sure he would stop. Well he did not stop, in fact he brought crack into their house. She was mad, so mad that she did the crack as well.   From that point on her life when spiraling down after 15 years of sobriety. . She lost her house, her children, furniture, clothes, dignity, some family and her health. Everything she had worked so hard to achieve for the 15 years that she was clean.
The past 3 years have been a re-run of her teenage years. She has been in and out of jail, lived on the streets, prostituted and has robbed places for money for crack. Three months ago she turned herself in for violation of probation. She was on probation for not attending her anger management class for hitting her ex boyfriend because he would not give her back her kids when she went to pick them up. She called from jail and said she was really ready this time to straighten out and she knows we have all heard it before but this was different. We wrote back and forth during the 45 days she was in jail. I picked her up upon her release and she came home. She had not seem her children in over a year. It was Spring Break so the father of the children said she could see them over Spring Break. The week was wonderful. We bought a blow up pool for the yard and we had nice dinners every night and of course prayed before every meal. Her kids told her how proud they were of her. Two nights before they were due to leave, I woke up around 1 AM and she was not there. She came home around 6:30 AM right before the kids woke up. I asked her what was going on? At first she tried to lie, but later said she had messed up and needed drug treatment. The kids left that afternoon. The next day on my way to work I dropped her at a medical clinic for some lab work and dental work. Her teeth are almost all decayed at this point and she has not been on her HIV medication for over a year or more. She does get medical assistance since she has no insurance and I make enough money to pay my bills and that’s it. I came home from work and she told me all about the doctor’s appointment and how she had more appointments even showing me the appointment slips. She even inquired about a substance abuse program. I started to make dinner and she said she was going on a bike ride and would be back soon. She said the bike riding helped her relieve tension. She never came back. Left with the clothes on her back and that’s it.
I know where she went but there is no talking to her. We have all tried everything we can to help her. She needs to help herself.  I truly think in her heart she wants a clean life, but somehow the crack addiction takes over and that’s it. I will not let her live with me and do the drug. She is 37 years old now. She has been through hell and back, you should hear HER stories ! I have left out so much in this story, because there is so much that happened during this time it is hard for me even to remember time frames of events.
I know it is just a matter of time before the HIV virus turns into full blown aids because of her lifestyle. But there is nothing I can do about it. When they are little as mothers we try to fix everything for our children. Usually a band aid or a kiss will do the trick. I had so much hope for her but in reality I was only dreaming my dream. She needs to be the one to dream it and act on it. I have put it in God’s hands who seems to always be at the end of my rope.
 I have to accept the things I cannot change.
P




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
  Boy have I Learned a lot here. Iam a Grandparent and please ,please for teens actually all- it breaks my heart to read this. No ,Iam not writing about that.I married my best Bud, of 30 some years. Only to find he also has this problem. This addiction with Meth ,God only knows what else ? Ive seen this behavior ,too. You feel so alone & let me tell you - this lady is independent ! I could always be alone and enjoy it . Not with the addict . Thankyou for sharing . It is a journey .Those are the first words or questions I had ,too. WHY ? Just for right now ,he is ok .Hes doing well & we will see .




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story......
 I could write 50 pages of my story, so I will summarize as best as I can. I am a 31 year old attorney living in New York City. I have been in love with a CH for the past six years. She recently left me again, because I told her I would not enable her anymore. Of course, she told me that she smoked crack as a result of the anxiety that I gave her. You know, calling her cell phone when she got out of bed to go to the store at 3:00 am and was not back by sunrise; asking around for her when she went home to see her sister, but was missing for 5 days. All my fault. That being said, I was an enabler. She knew that I was in love with her and that I would do anything to make her not leave. No, I never bought her drugs....at least not knowingly. But, if she sat there and pouted long enough, I would tolerate her getting high, because I knew if I didn't she would just leave....which is what she did anyway. As much as I am in love - or think I am in love -with this girl, over the past 6 years she has done nothing less then destroy my life. When she is not with me, I am depressed, but I work, I sleep, I have friendships with real people and my family. When she is with me, I neglect my career, I get zero sleep, I am broke and my friends and family will not talk to me. She has never done a single positive thing for me in six years. Never sent me a birthday card, never bought me a Christmas gift, never been there when I needed a friend. And yet, I sit here missing her. I guess the only bit of advice I can give about these people is not to take anything they do to heart. Nothing that they do is rational or can be explained. When she is not with me, I spend hours thinking about what she is doing, who is she with, is there some other guy who was able to get her clean - when I could not. I ruins your mind. Like her father (a recovering drug addict who has been sober for 5 years and is a counselor) said to me, "Never try to rationalize the irrational. It can not be done." I have a feeling that my CH is out of my life for good. This is for one reason only. I told her that I would never let her down again. I would never be an enabler again. Therefore, she no longer has a use for me. I would be lying if I told you that I feel happy about this. I miss her very much. But it is what it is. Good luck to all of you.
 M




From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
Hi my name is Sharon,and I lived with a crack head for five years and had a child with this man. I didnt catch on to the fact he was a CH for the first two years even though friends and family had warned me. By now I was in love and pregnant and 40 years old.I have 3 children from a former husband and he has six girls with his ex.He taught all his girls to freebase and even did this with them none of his children have finished highschool and even tends to do this at his mothers home upstairs.I tried to plead with his mother that he needs help even his older sister who is aware of his addiction but no one wants to help.He would dissappear for days of course picking a foight so he could have an excusse to leave.I have found him with crack whores you name I have been through it and still stood by him.In august of 2007 his mother sold her house and he went to help her move she also gave him 10.000 dollars from the profits.I hadnt heard from him for two weeks.When calling his mother she would reply hes fixing the old house we had and was sure he was ok.On august 16 2007 around twenty to eight at work I recieved a call from the police stating there had been an accident and they wanted to talk to the next of kin I was not considerd the next of kin . He died aug 11 2007 due to a heart attack,I am still waiting on the coroners report to see if it was due to crack. The family blames me and says he didnt have a problem.I never got to see his remains in the coffin his family made sure he was to be seen by no one,the worst is how do you tell a 3 year old little girl your daddy has died.A part of me has died with him all I can say is I am glad I have never tried crack even though he wanted me to.Please if you are ever caught in this kind of situation seek help you can not do it alone and believe me I will feel guilty for the rest of my life......And you know what I still love him so much........S




From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story from Earl
  My situation happened 15 months ago and i had to actually call 911 to have the police help me remove my wife of 10 years. We were together for 10.5 years as of Feb 2, 2007 when i had to have her escorted out. What is amazing about my situation is that i was totally knowledgeless where crack is concerned, and after she was gone in 2007 her friends as crackheads are called continually would come to my house looking for her.
 Oh yes it HURT me very much having police remove her, but the situation that night was so criminal on her part i had no choice!! I noticed while in 2005 while i was busy taking care of my fathers house and selling it after his death, that Jackie began having wrecks with her two vehicles, then began getting notices in the mail where she was accused of hit and run accidents and feeling the scene by Houstons hit and run division (3) of those in late 2006.
 I would of course go talk to the authorities and prove i drove my own 3 cars and never never drove hers and had proof of such, but because i loved Jackie so much, i bailed her out for those with a bonds company and then bailed her out for a DUI...but DUI blood work at Police stations showed hydrocodone and valium and soma mainly. I tried talking to her a nd it was pointless, she would hit me with objects and as of jan 28, 2007 she hit me from behind with an object large enough that cracked my skull, but i found she called 911 before she snuck up behind me and did this and told the police i had assaulted HER (backwards pre planned premediatded LIE!) And i was taken to the hospital by the 911 ambulance.
 On feb 2 i came home without letting her know, and she was just hanging out in the bedroom asleep as if nothing had happened, but half of the items in my 3drm house were GONE! I tried to talk to her about it, but this time was clever enough to secrectly have her old previous emplyer Dena on my cell phone listening, and Jackie threw hot coffee on me i had made for myself and grabbed for my hair pulling half the hair out from the top of my head!!! Then a knock on the door!! YEH!! Dena after hearing this had called police!! And Jackie answers the door i guess thinking it was some friend, and police saw this mess for themselves!!!
 I went on for two months getting hate calls from her from a shelter she went to and would hang up, after 3 months she gave up and this is when her friends as she called then would show up in twos or threes but they had no loyalty to her at all!! Them knowing or thinking i had money would come acting as though they wanted to console me and maybe live here with me. And here's what i found out! They are as is described on the observations link at this site of Crack reality!!! They want a restuarant and a flopover sleepover day or night or these tales of how they just need 20 bucks or anything. And my personal obeservation is this, i really belive these crackheads sell their soul!! They have no consciencse or heart or concern of any kind, they do what the Crack tells them to do, they belong to CRACK!
 Sure i cried all the time, but i'm not going to let freaks destroy me! You cannot help these people!! Also don't think you still love them, they are gone..They are Crack, and not the person you fell in love with. And here is why it took me two years to get her out of my house, she was such a Con Artist rap artist with gift of gab, she had my neighbors and the police back then thinking i was the dopehead!!!!! So watch crack heads in this area as well, they play reverse finger pointing and if they are verbally clever they can hurt you!!
 But after 6 months last year, neighbors noticed police never came anymore nor wrecked cars in the driveway or her running down the street screaming with her supposed assualt scam act, and now know it was her the freak that caused this.
 Here is my final note for now...do not attempt to figure out or help someone you think you love, because it is not them that hears your words, it is only CRACK that hears anything you say to them and from their all crackheads go to their friends as they call them and repeat anything you say so to use your words against you as a weakness as to what areas they can attack you on as far as getting money from you or objects to pawn or sell or of that way.
 E