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-----Original Message-----
From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Follow Up

 I have written before, and now I am happy to say after 13 years, I have had 9 months of peace without my CH ex-husband.  I realized that I cannot

change him, it will only change me.  I have taken Steve's advice and every time he tries to contact me, I hang up the phone without a word and dont

answer the door.  I changed my home number so he can only call me at work and leave his pathetic voice mails once in a while.  He tells me that he is

going to pay me back all my money now that he has his job back and if I will let him come home.  No way!!  No amount of money is worth whatever he

has in store.  I work two jobs now and am finally getting my life together. I realize that I am a co-dependent, and those crackheads seek out people

like me.  But with the Grace of God and this site, there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.  As harsh as it sounds, that is not love, only

ways to continue their addiction.

 God bless you Steve.  You helped me get my life back. :-)


 

From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Steve, i have been visitng this web site for a while. It is a great site .My story starts out as a true love story, that one day comes to a confusing mess.Imet my husband 3 years ago we were best friends we talked about everything .He lived an hour away so we seen each other on the weekends. After a year he moved into my home.We spent every waking hour together .I sold my home to start a new life with my love, his kids and mine .We got a brand new house and started a business together then got married after a year of living together .Things drastically changed in one night, he came home mad at the world cussing being very mean and left didnt come home till the next day .I had no idea he was doing crack .  This happened several times over the next 4 months . I finally followed him and found out he was buying and using i was devastated . He begged for mercy and wanted help, well he always made an excuse of why he never went to get the help.My money was going quick because he refuse to pay bills .I have 3 kids and no job i only did the business with him.Then he stopped me from going to the jobs , so he could take off .Then one night he took off for a week .Every holiday was a mess because he would take off. My kids were upset .Our life was total chaos.   He started to push me around ,verabally abuse me  and put me down about every thing, his  problem was now because of me .I found out he was doing it more than i knew , a friend he had worked with became my friend and told that my husband was also snorting coke , and taking other perscription drugs off the street,i finally had enough after 9 months .I confronted him and gave him his choice his family or his drugs.He choose to leave. I then  packed up and moved while he was  gone .  I didnt realize at the time how messed up my life is until now that ive left ,im finding im having anxiety with finding a job and being confident with my self .I am in a safe place only my family knows where i am. I know i did the right thing but it hurts so bad sometimes i truely love my husband i just hate the crack and what it does to him and what it has done to our family .I dont think ive ever loved so much, but hate so bad at the same time ...When does the pain stop ??? I now find my self with questions about people im around, im very cautious !I guess ive learned alot in the past three years . I now have to start over with no money ,3 kids and alone .So if you women and men have any suspicion your friends are doing drugs or someone you love guard your heart, your money and your life .You cant change them!!! It only takes you down to


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I have submitted my story before but this time I am here to try to encourage all of you out there that are going through all the things I have lived through. I just read "K"s story and please believe me when I say that once you get away from your CH you will begin to heal and your life will get better. I was head over heels in love with B and now the drama is finally over. He has moved back to his hometown in another state after I called his PO when he got out of jail and started using again.  I had made up my mind that I would help him one more time when he got out, but he only stayed clean for 2 months after he came home. Then the lies started again, lost his jobs again and started hanging out with people who I never thought he would befriend. I did all the same things others do...checked the cellphone, intercepted calls from dealers, searched the house for drugs and any sign I could find, hoping to convince myself he wasn't using again. Then finally the morning came when I found out the truth that he had been using again. I called his PO and told him to come to my house...he would be dirty and he was. The PO was fed up as I was with the system, and the lies and the drama,too. So he was immediately sent back to rehab. B's parents hated me for doing that. I had nasty voicemails left on my phone from his mom, nasty emails sent to me telling me I was the reason he was using. I had had enough. His parents came up when he was released in 30 days, paid off all his fines, restitutions and such and packed him up and moved his back south. At first I had mixed emotions. I still loved him but hated him at the same time. I cried, got mad, felt betrayed but now it's been 8 months since he left this state and moved away and I am so much happier. I have met someone else who is wonderful, doesn't do drugs and treats me great! Once in a while B will call me and tell me he made a big mistake and knows he has lost me, and constantly tells me I am still his angel and loves me with all his heart, but I know we will never be together again. I have heard he's doing better since he moved back with his parents. He just turned 30 and tells me he is happy but also confided in me that he has gone to a "reliable" source to get pills. That's how it starts...I suspect his parents are in for an eye opening experience again now that he's back. I don't wish bad upon them even though his mom was hateful to me after I had tried to help her son, but I know what's coming next and I'm glad it's them and not me this time. So please, friends, please stay strong and remember there are those of us out here that sympathize with you and are holding you up in our prayers. I send my love to all of you. Hang in there !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 GET REAL...I have to thank this site for helping me to stay away from my crack head ex.  The four and a half years we were together, I continuously thought that:  everyone has a "vice", this just happens to be "D"'s.  Mine is smoking.  But, there is sooo much more to this than the actual addiction.  After four months, (and I have never been away that long) of being away from him, I realize how my life revolved around him and I had NO LIFE.  It was always negative worry about HIM.  I wished I would have spent my time and energy on something positive.  Now, finally, after giving him sooo many chances, I AM FREE.  I would never go back.  I enjoy life and my son.  Sure, it was hard at first, but it takes time and dedication.   We are all ENABLERS and have to dig deep to find a positive way of life and a person who is more than TALK.  Action, not words...I, as all of you, have heard alot of WORDS.  Talk is very cheap.  There is truly better out there. 

 D is a functioning addict.  He has a very profitable business, and has maintained it well through his addiction.  He has never stolen from me, and as all have mentioned, is a good person, but he grocery shops at dumpsters!!!  He is very cheap, and does not need to be.  He is very wealthy, he will never go broke, though he is always searching for someone or something that will motivate him to change.  Little does he know, this has to be found within himself.  Just like we have to find our own motivation.  I wish all of you could see how better things would truly be if you give it time away from your ch.  No one is worth that. 


-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Cc:
Subject: Submit Story

 My story starts in 2002. While being newly divorced from my high school sweetheart I became best friends with a lady named Lynn. I confided in Lynn the pains of my first marriage, as we talked I told Lynn how nice it would be to meet the right guy. Afterall I had been out of the dating scene for awhile and I was scared to death. Lynn's husband had a brother named Tommy and she jokingly said I could date him if it weren't for the fact he was in prison. We both just pasted it off and laughed. A couple days later Lynn brought up Tommy again and said she had talked to him over the phone and that he was very interested in writing me. I saw no harm in that, a letter was harmless, even if he was in prison. We began to write one another on an off and on basis, nothing serious. A few months had past and Tommy was about to be moved closer to home to a work release center. On Sundays he was allowed to go to his families home to spend time with them and feast at the meal table. Lynn invited me to come along to meet the family. At first I wasn't thrilled with the thought of going to an unfamiliar home to meet a guy just getting out of prison, but Lynn was my friend and it was just lunch. I arrived with my two children who had became very close with Lynn's three. As I went in to meet the family I saw Tommy standing there. He was clean cut and very trim and fit, soft spoken and treated my children with the upmost respect. My two instantly fell in love with him not knowing who he was. Lynn had told me in past conversations that he had made alot of mistakes in the past but he was older now and ready to walk out those prison doors and leave that all behind for a fresh start in life. Tommy was in work release for almost a year and had managed to save up enough money to start a new life reasonably well. Everything was looking up for both me and him. I was really falling for him and he was really excited about this new relationship. He was released from the center and we went on our first date. We went out to eat and drank together. Everything seemed to be picture perfect. Tommy had began looking for a place to rent while staying with family then he slowly tried moving in with me. I let him know that because I had two small children him moving in with me wasn't an option. The next day he asked to marry me, I said yes.On January 18th the coldest day we possibly had that year we had a small but beautiful wedding at a local church. One of our teaching pastors from our church married us. I was in total bliss. That night we went to our hotel suite on the beach to celebrate. I drank a half glass of wine and fell asleep,while Tommy drank the other two bottles alone while I slept from the long day. I had never noticed Tommy over drinking before till now. but I summed it all up as blowing off some steam from the long day. Months went by and Tommy's drinking problem became hard to hide, He lost his job, and due to the fact of his past prison record alot of companys would not hire him, especially when they learned he was released on parole. I have a great stable job so we agreed he would take his time and find a job that would give him a chance. I would arrive home from work and he would be plastered and ready for a fight. If he wasn't allowed the money to drink down at least three to four quarts of beer a day he would lose his cool. I had never been exposed to an alcoholic so I tried to tell myself all guys that have a stressful day drink. That night he wanted to go to a local bar and I could tell he had had too much to drink so I suggested we stay home for a romantic evening. Tommy insisted that we go, when I refused he kicked a huge hole in the wall. I had never seen that side of Tommy till that moment, so I began to cry and he comforted me and guided me still towards the door. So off we went to the bar. As I sat there I was miserable, I watched him as he made new drunk friends. He was so drunk that he flirted with the waitress until he realized I was still there beside him. That night I dropped him off and took off before he could stop me. I went to stay with my mom which unfortunely was very close to where we lived. The next day Tommy came to my moms and was in tears apoligizing for the way he had acted the night before. He sounded so sincere and afterall this was my second marriage so I thought this time I would give this marriage everything I had to make it work. This bizzare behavior continued, he'd drink till he was unbearable to be around and I'd leave. He'd sober up and beg me back and I would feel sorry for him thinking I in some way caused it. He couldn't hold a job, although every job he worked at said he was one of the hardest working workers they had. Even at home before he would start the drinking he would work all day in the yard and on the repairs of the house, as if he couldn't sit still. He began drinking more and more coffee to compensate for his desire to drink alcohol, thus making him more and more nervous.I started noticing even more bizzare behavior. One evening I arrived home to find Tommy gone when we were suppose to go to the movies. I drove over to his mothers home to find Tommy passed out on her living room floor. She was at work but aware he was there drunk, drinking all her alcohol. Her pitbull was nudging him on the face for attention and Tommy was trying to french kiss the poor dog in his drunken state. Alcohol had always been a factor in Tommy's family I came to find out. Tommy's father died an alcoholic and many other family members were as well. Tommy had a troubled childhood due to many factors, but mainly alcohol. Tommy's probation  officer began to suspect things and came around often but Tommy covered his tracks well. I agreed to come home if he would straighten up and quit the drinking and attend AA, he agreed. He began attending them regularly and occationally they would have open family AA meetings and I would go with him. Things seemed to be going well. One evening some friends invited us to a mud truck show in Alabama we agreed we hadn't went on a date in a while so we would go. Tommy began asking if we could stop and get a case of beer to losen up at the show. I said I didn't think it was a good idea and that we could have fun without it so we arrived there without beer. We were enjoying the show when a fellow worker that Tommy knew spotted him. Matt wanted Tommy to go with him to the store to pick up some beer. Tommy made it clear to me it would be Matt's beer and he was just going along for the ride. I knew better but I felt an argument arising and tried to stay calm as we were with friends and they didn't know the extent of our problems. That night became a nightmare. Tommy came back much later already intoxicated. He was ready to fight, he reached to take the keys out of my hand and missed becoming very angry. My friends stepped in and suggested he go sit in the truck and sober up. Without keys in hand he walked to the truck, several minutes later I saw the truck speed away. He had broke the steering colum and somehow got it started. I in turn was embarrassed and upset, my friends had to leave early and take me home. That night Tommy got arrested. The police had saw him in a drug area with a well known drug dealer in the passengers seat. When stopped The passenger told the police Tommy said he was looking for crack and the passenger said he had only gotten in the truck for a free ride. So Tommy was bailed out by family and was home the next day because his probation officer didn't know of the incident yet. During this time I found out I was pregnant with Tommy's first child, so I wanted to try and work things out. Tommy went back to prison as soon as the probation officer found out. I vowed to Tommy I would write him and see him asd often as possible. I was stressed and overwhelmed between working a full time job and taking care of the house and kids, there was no time left to take care of myself. I lost the baby when I was 4 months along in the pregnancy. I was broken, I turned to God and begged him for help. Tommy was going to be in prison for two years, and I was going to be the best I could be for him so that I could fix him, right? How wrong I was....He returned home and everything was wonderful. He started his own business and was so busy that during the summer months when I had time off our whole family would chip in and help out. We talked about trying again for a baby and we both agreed his business was doing well and that Tommy wasn't getting any younger because he was older than me so we would try, immediately I became pregnant. Sadly six weeks later I lost the baby. I came to the conclusion that it was in God's hands and that it was beyond my understanding. A few months went by and again I was pregnant. I gave Tommy the exciting news, he seemed very disconnected, as though he was just waiting for me to lose the baby. As my belly began to grow and with each Doctor appointment I knew the baby was fine. Finally we were going to find out what we were having. He was dead set on having a boy, afterall his brother had three girls and it was up to him to father a boy to carry on the family name. Well as we watched the baby via ultrasound the room got very quiet. The technician knew Tommy wanted a boy and knew her news wasn't what he wanted to hear. It was a Girl-Shilah Faith Rogers. Born June 24.2006. I had her alone. Tommy wasn't there, due to some more of his crimnal issues. We actually went to a store to buy her carseat the day before my scheduled c-section and the police arrested him on the way on the car. So the next day I went and had her without him. I had her on Saturday at 12:45pm and was in court on Tommy's behalf on Sunday morning. So I was out of the hospital before I had recovered-trust me I'm paying for it now and shes 14 months old. Tommy got out of jail when Shilah was 4 days old. He was very disconnected from her and didn't want to hold her at first because she made him very nervous. Within days he got comfortable with her and things started to fall back in place. I went back to work shortly after her birth and I noticed once again Tommy was acting unusual. Things like sweating alot when he was lounging around the house, he would leave for days saying he needed time alone, his tools started to disappear, the kids toys were lost, he sold his work vehicle that he needed, strange phone calls, money missing, and his sex drive wasn't the same. All this while he was still on probation. Our son had went with him to help him out with lots of work he had to get done. They never made it to work, he took our son on crack runs with him. This whole time he had had a crack problem and I reasoned it down to a bad alcoholic. Stupid me!!!!! As soon as they arrived home that afternoon I saw sadness in our son's face and Tommy and I began to argue, he left and my son told me everything. Tommy had our only vehicle. A new Dodge truck squad cab, sad to say by the time I got it back from the crack dealers that he had rented it to for crack it was less than half its value. My kids mean everything to me so from that moment I saw my son's face Tommy was dirt to me. I did see Tommy again, in fact a few times, not that I wanted to see him. While searching for my truck I turned into a bad area and I spotted him along with his prostitute crack addict friend, yes at that moment my heart dropped again. Tommy had been seen alot with prostitutes by many of our friends who were shocked. Our baby is beautiful and I don't regret her for a second. Tommy is now in God's hands, he just got out of prison and I drove by him on the way to the store, and once again he was in a drug area. He spoke to someone we both know and they said he was very intoxicated.I guess some peoples bottom is lower then others. Tommy is a very good man when he is in his right mind. I know this is a long story but I pray my story can help someone as some of these stories have helped me.   Thanks, L 


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I wouldn't even know where to begin...I guess I can tell you that I met my husband L  when I was 17 years old and he was 24 years old.  I didn't have any real intrest in him until we sat and talked alone.  He told me he had children and i as well had had a daughter from a previous boyfriend.  He turned out to be pretty interesting.  We were at a party when I saw him first smoke crack.  Me bieng damadged by watching my mother do that shit for so many years was surprized.  I would have never thought that he was that type.  (Don't judge a book by it's cover!!!!)  What was worse he had already told me that he was falling for me and I was for him too.  I cried and told him the story of my mother and how she chose that same path instead of me and my sisters and brother.  He said that he didn't do it all the time just once in a while.  I told him that if he did that shit again i was going to leave him.  HE PROMISED ME THAT HE WOULD NOT HURT ME THAT WAY AGAIN!!!!!  Almost ten years and three kids later, I find out that he still hasn't changed.  I found a pipe in his pocket one morning after he partied at his sisters house (who happens to be a crackhead too).  More and more promises and still, all of our money, our rent and bill money has gone missing.  I'm still trying to get the courage to let him go.  We've been together for such a long time.  How could I just let go like that.  I'm trying to fight this with him but I can't help him if he is on CRACKS side.

                                                         Sincerely,Going out                                                         of my damed mind,                                                                    


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Cc: crackheadrayatctsnowmiss@yahoo.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 my  name is ray . i smoke crack/ i have smoked crack for 15 years ,i still have nouthing; i have 4 grandchildren and 2 sons  i can tell a bunch of lies but crack doesnt care anyway i have stole my own familys stuff my kids money  and lie to get more i see my whole life real far away  your dead but you dont know it you cant cry for what /my wife is so tired of it cracked up yes even my grandkids know it

i always say i will stop i have used till im  tired myself i want to stop useing conning stealing i understand how you all can be afraid when crack has your love ones mind its a monster there is nouthing i can say but i think my wife and kids are more important than that crack  so you say your through it just the beging of another world and if you thinking of being hurt by being hard on your love one on crack they can sence it beleive me i cant say what can help otheres but just maybe theres a life out there enstead of this crack life no body trust me or knows me if i was on fire no one would put me out and thats bad

if you use crack and you read this i know what your going threw and i sure know what it does to the family they go away from you towhere you was first to way last i would sure like some one out there that at least stop think of what it is costing you to keep hurting the peoplethat loves you and the kids telling every one arround he is a crack head so if you give in you fit in with them crack is dangerus it dont care about no one or any thing take it from me i have years exsp  i would love to see myself with a life were when i can bye my kids or anyone something  crack cocain thats his name take control or you lose

 my name is ray

your in the way of a train move or be gone away

i love my family my grankids my kids and i want things without taking them

this is painful please be careful

your freind ray


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 

My son who is 24 is a CH. I have given up all hope of recovery for him. He has a two year old son that he now dosn't see and my husband and I are only allowed to see my grandson on very rare occasions for no more than an hour at a time. A few days ago I wrote a poem to the CH and I'd like to share it with you. Sorry if it's a bit long.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         THE  DEVILS KNOCK                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        A theiving demon black as coal                                                                                                                                                Has come and stole your very soul                                                                                                                                            It's used your body as a pawn                                                                                                                                                And now I fear that you are gone                                                                                                                                            This entity I cannot fight                                                                                                                                                        For in your eyes I see no light                                                                                                                                                I always thought that you could win                                                                                                                                        But now my hopes have faded thin.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I know that demon steals and lies                                                                                                                                            And laughs with glee at a mothers cries                                                                                                                                    Each night as I get down and kneel                                                                                                                                        I pray to G-D my son to heal                                                                                                                                                    Please Lord send it back to hell                                                                                                                                                And stop the tolling of the bell                                                                                                                                                For the son I love with all my heart                                                                                                                                            Don't let this evil tear us apart.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            You used to know the wrong from right                                                                                                                                    And had a future looking bright                                                                                                                                                You were once so free and wild                                                                                                                                                But now your just a tortured child                                                                                                                                            With friends you used to dance and rock                                                                                                                                 But then you heard the devils knock                                                                                                                                          Now everyone has turned their back                                                                                                                                        Because the demons name is crack                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    You soar higher than a hawk                                                                                                                                                    When you light the devils rock                                                                                                                                                It lets you leave the world behind                                                                                                                                            Even forget the love that shined                                                                                                                                                From the blues eyes of your little boy                                                                                                                                        When seeing you was filled with joy                                                                                                                                        He has a love for you so vast                                                                                                                                                    But youv'e left him crumpled in the past                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                This demon filled us all with pain                                                                                                                                            And left us wondering in vain                                                                                                                                                    If soon we'll have to hold a mass                                                                                                                                            And lay you down beneath the grass                                                                                                                                        What would we tell your child of two                                                                                                                                        About the dad he hardly knew                                                                                                                                                That the devil at your door did knock                                                                                                                                        And led you away with a little rock                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        That boy would never understand                                                                                                                                            A little rock in his dads hand                                                                                                                                                    Could take his daddy strong and brave                                                                                                                                    Forever to a cold dark grave                                                                                                                                                    He'll only know it isn't fair                                                                                                                                                        That as he grows that your not there                                                                                                                                        To see the thing this little lad                                                                                                                                                    Has to share with a loving dad                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Don't let your child grow up without                                                                                                                                        Knowing what his dad's about                                                                                                                                                Your fascination with the stars                                                                                                                                                Your dreams and drums and playing guitars                                                                                                                            Give to him your love and knowledge                                                                                                                                        And if or when he leaves for college                                                                                                                                        You'll have taught him so much more                                                                                                                                        Please keep the devil from his door.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I just found your website yesterday and it brought up some memories of my past that I had been working so hard to block out forever.

 I was a crack user for a short period of time (maybe 2 months) a couple of years ago and to this day I still live with the shame and regret of all the people I hurt through my actions at that time.

 After reading the story from the other former user, I felt compelled to post my story here.

 Crack cocaine is truly the most devastating drug I ever encountered. In just the short 2 months that I was using, I ended up losing my job, became homeless, lost almost all of my possessions and spent 22 days in jail after being stopped on the street by the cops with a pipe in my pocket.

 Perhaps what really motivated me to quit most of all was when my dad visited me in jail. He lives hundreds of miles away and I had not seen him in almost 9 years at the time. I had neglected to call or write my family because I was embarrassed of the lifestyle I had gotten into. I couldn't even look him in the eye at first. But he said "I still love you, no matter what. And Jesus loves you too. God has plans for you and you will get out of the hole you dug yourself into." He seemed dead set on bringing me back home and getting me into rehab. Not wanting to go back, I thought to myself "Maybe I can do the right thing on my own, I am a grown woman who is very intelligent. I know I can do much better than this." I moved to a different city in the area, started school and now I have a great job as a medical assistant, a great non-drug using boyfriend of 2 years and now have no desire whatsoever to go back to that old life again.

 Last winter, when I was walking to the bus stop to go to class, I saw one of the girls I used to smoke with. She was all skin and bones and looked a mess. She looked at me, but I don't think she even remembered who I was. I just said "hi" and kept on walking. At that moment I reflected on how far I had come and felt very proud of myself for being able to quit on my own and stay clean for as long as I have.

 I still drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes, but nothing worse than that. What the other former user on this page said is 100% correct, you are not always an addict forever. You have to make up your mind (and be strong in your convictions) that you are going to move on to better things.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I have been on an emotional rollercoaster trying so hard to have a "normal" relationship with J for the past 6-1/2 years. I had no clue when I first met him that I would face the things I have. I knew he drank and smoked pot. He had no driver's license because of a DUI of which I paid $2500 to clear up.  At first, I thought I could show him a better life and he would want to change if I loved him enough. Wrong. I read these stories and I relate so well. I never knew the devastating consequences of loving a crack addict. He has always been very aggressive, demanding, wanting his way like a small child and pitching a temper-tantrum when he didn't get it, wouldn't work a steady job, lay up and let me work and support him.  In the beginning he lived with me and I kicked him out a few times. Once I put him up in a motel and gave him $100 to get by on and he admitted he spent it all on crack and called me when he had no where else to turn. I carried him food and brought him back home thinking it would be different. I've heard the story countless times that he lost the money I gave him(it fell out of his pocket) or someone stole the jean jacket and alarm clock right out of his motel room or someone stole my chain out of the back of the truck. I have been so stupid. I once paid a deposit and rent on an apartment when I kicked him out for good, but could not stay away from him. I supplied him with vehicle after vehicle, so many I can't remember. I bought him food, cigarettes, and kerosene for heat. I was in denial for so long. I suspected some other type of drug about 4 years ago but he continually lied about it saying I was wrong. I knew in my heart there was something else besides pot and I wasn't stupid, after all, the signs were there: no money, no steady job, sleep until late afternoon, sometimes not see him for days until he was broke and hungry, no electricity, etc., etc. He finally admitted it about 2-1/2 years ago and vowed if I would help him pay off fines, suspensions, and get his CDL's back, that was all he needed to make life better. I spent some $3000 from Jan. to May supporting him and pushing him to do what he had said he wanted to do to make life better. He finallly started trucking in May and paid me about $300 of the money I had spent this time. He trucked until Jan. with 3 different companies, still using and I knew it. He almost talked me into buying a truck in Jan. until I realized he was still using. He has grown much more aggressive and extremely paranoid over the years. He constantly accuses me of having someone else that I talk to or see, having a lesbian affair with a friend I grew up with just because I'm trying to have friends, and the list goes on and on. He believes things in his mind that to a "normal" person would seem crazy and he makes them a reality to himself. He once walked about 10 miles to where I was spending the night because I carried him home and refused to carry him with me after he bought a 20 rock. He thought I had someone with me and he beat the door until I let him in cause I knew he would break it down if I didn't. After accusing me about who I had called or who had been there for about an hour, he baracaded me in the room with furniture and told me tonight was the night that I was going to die, me and my whole family; he was going to be the talk of the town tomorrow. I knew he was messed up bad and at first, I tried to talk to him and told him I knew in his heart he was not that kind of man. After hours of him holding me down in bed, forcing my head on his genital area, and not allowing me to get up when I told him that I was feeling like I couldn't breathe, I truly began to believe that he was going to carry out his threats. He finally drifted off to sleep and I lay there regreting not spending more time with my children because I thought I was going to die. I never went to sleep and about daybreak I asked to get up to urinate and he let me and he said I guess I've done it now, you are probably going to have me arrested. Needless to say, I didn't and I forgave him. He has pitched fits for me to give him money to get his high. He hasn't worked a steady job all year. I've paid for food, gas, whiskey, electric bills, phone bills, supplied him with yet another vehicle, tools, a brand new pressure washer, a shop of which he said he now wanted to work out of and run his own business and if he could have that,  then everything would be okay again. I know I have to get out before it's too late and maybe he does go on a crazy streak and kill me. I have not been able to break away from him and give up on him because I am not a quitter. I believe in miracles and I believe their is a GOD who can change things, no matter how bleak. Although,I am beginning to face the fact that GOD can only change those who desire change and are willing to make the necessary sacrifices of which he is not willing to make. I failed to tell you just how far his addiction has taken me down financially over the past 6-1/2 years. When I met him, I was paying on my own home, had 2 rental houses, a used car business, and life was good even though I had to struggle to make ends meet. I'm not saying it was all his fault, because I do take blame for mistakes I made but over the years I have probably spent in excess of $20,000 on him, not to mention the way my head stayed messed up at times dealing with him and losing money because I wasn't at my right senses to make the money I could have made in sales. I now have nothing to call my own and have been living with my parents for the past 2 years; and this man still takes off me.I broke it off a about 3 weeks ago but he still comes around when he needs something and he is still driving my truck with my tag and I still can't say no to $10 or food because after all that has happened, I still love this man. GOD please help me to get over him once and for all.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story- Steve- Please try and help me with my daughter

 My name is Sheila and I have a daughter that is addicted to alcohol and crack and pills and pot. These are the things I know about and there may be more. She is 40 years old and her maturity level is about the age of 16. She is abusive to me one day and loves me the next. I am at my wits end. She can't live with me, since she has hit me and cursed me and threatened to kill me many times. She has forced herself to live in deplorable conditions with this old man that supplies some of her needs. She has other friends, all men that keep her up  and running with all of her drug habits. I have read everything on this website  and I have been enabling her until recently. Every time I have let her in my house she steals something. About a year ago she came over with a male friend of hers and they brought another female with them. They ended up stealing over 10k in jewelry and a gun from me. I called the police and filed a report, of course I never got any of my valuables back. I was ill the night of the jewelry theft and very vunerable. They arrived totally unannounced and I can't believe I allowed them to come in my house. I can only say at the time I was not very smart about what those on crack are really capable of!!! Of course my daughter said it was the girl she brought with her that stole from me and that she never thought she was this kind of person. I know now it was all three of them together that committed this act. I later the next day found a pair of scissors in the side of my recliner. I guess if I had realized at the time that my valuables were being stolen that I wouldn't be here to write this email. They all kept asking to use the bathroom and I know now that they were in search of something to steal. These things I have said here are terrible but there are things my daughter does to me that hurts even more than the stealing. She gets on one of her rolls and she calls my cellphone 10 to 15 times a day and leaves the most abominable messages imaginable. There is every word of profanity and demonic word that can be spoken in these messages. I had to get my home number changed so I can sleep at night. The only reason I allow her to have my cell phone is that she  began calling the office where I work and leaving all of this on my voice mail at work. Our calls are all recorded at work and I was so ashamed to think that others would hear these vile messages. Her father and I are divorced and her dad and her brother will not have anything to do with her. She doesn't call them at all. It is me she torments almost on a daily basis. She calls me and tells me it is my fault she is the way she is. I know this is the way crack users do so this doesn't affect me now. What she is doing now is this!!! I have three little dogs that I love with all of my heart. She leaves messages on my cellphone that she is going to have her friends come over while I am at work and do something to hurt my dogs. I have had to tell my neighbors on both sides of me to call the police if they see anyone at my house. I have to work and this causes me the most stress that she has ever caused me. I also need to tell you this. I believe her to be bi polar on top of all the drugs. As a child she was terrible to deal with. She would never listen to me or her dad. We have spent thousands of dollars in all of these years at drug rehabs to try and get her some help. It only works while she is there. She usually ends up meeting people in the drug rehabs and then when they get out, they start up using together.

 I try and tell my friends what I am going through. There is no one that understands. I am not equipped to know how to deal with her anymore. I feel so sorry for her when she is crying and saying she wishes she could die. Then the next day I hate her when she is calling me the most horrible names you could think of. What can I do???? I love her and then I hate her. There are times I wish she would just die and we would all be out of this pain and suffering. Then I feel horrible that as a mother, I could actually feel such things. I need help. What can I do??

Sheila

Gastonia, NC


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Hello and many thanks to all of you and Steve for this site.  My 17-yr old daughter discovered it 3 days ago and it has been helpful beyond belief.

 In April 2007 I caught my husband of 28 years doing crack at our daughter's softball tournament.  He said he'd been doing it for about 6 yrs.  That would make sense; 6 years ago we lost our business and home and had to move.  We got another nice place but he couldn't find work for 4 years-(now I know he wasn't looking) and the money problems kept going on.  About a year ago he started really acting different.  We had always gotten along so well - best friends and all that- and suddenly everything was an argument and as soon as I'd get home he'd leave to "go to the library/video store" and browse for hours.  Yeah, sure!  The suspicions on my part started about then too.  I'd find bic lighters, film canisters of baking soda (for his indigestion), black soot everywhere, bobby pins opened up, black stuff on the tips of scissors, etc. etc. In December, two days after Christmas, I discovered 5 grand that had been charged on a credit line.  He told me he had a gambling problem (lies!).  After that I started being the Detective and finding signs everywhere.  He kept lying and lying and deceiving (smart guy!) (gullible me).   After the Dec. thing I took charge of all financial things, but 2 days ago I discovered an old credit line from the business and it another 7 grand taken out from Jan-Apr.  Now I wish I'd found this website in April, but I am surely grateful I have found it now, after only 2 months on this road. Last Sat. he disappeared and haven't seen or heard from him since.  3 days ago we found this website and 2 days ago I cancelled bank accounts, cell phone, got myself to our doctor and told him, found about al-anon meeting and we went last night, got name of divorce lawyer and good couselor for myself and daughter, called his psychiatrist and told him...the list goes on and on.  I will be eternally grateful to you all and to this site for giving me clarity when I needed it.  My daughter is absolutely devastated...she hasn't really been dealing with all his crap like I have for the last year(s) and so this is hitting her hard.  I recognize that I will always love him - the person he was before crack - and even that his leaving us and not making contact is his way of loving us to get us away from him and the horrific craziness that is Crackland.  But your site has opened my eyes further and so if and when he does contact us, we will be ready with a plan.  The al-anon meeting was incredible last night.  The pain in the room was almost physical, it was so palpable.  And the care and love was, too, because everyone KNOWS what the others are going through.  It is very powerful.  This website has the same Power to inform and support and encourage.  THANK YOU.

I do have a question.  Is there an interim thing you can do to declare you will not be liable for his further debts while still married to him?  I have read a lot of the discussions in the last 3 days, but not all.  Is there someone who can fill me in a little on that kind of thing?  I also have power of attorney papers he signed a year ago when I went on a trip.  Will those help me in any way?  I had my brother (only one in my family I've been able to tell about this so far except for my kids) change the locks on our house 2 nights ago.  What else do I need to do to protect us from this?  Thanks for any input. C


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 WELL HERES MY STORY...14 YEARS AGO I MET A GUY WHO I JUST ADORED WE HAD SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER WE NEVER ARGUED BUT WE BOTH DRANK ,ALOT  I GUESS. BUT WE WERE YOUNG(28 &25) . AS TIME WENT ON I FELL  LOVE WITH HIM. I MATUREDWITH TIME AND LEARNED HOW TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TRULEY IMPORTANT THNGS IN LIFE . BUT HE WAS NOT GROWING UP SO WE SEPARATED FOR A WHILE AND WENT ABOUT OUR BUSINESS.GOT BACK TOGETHER AFTER TWO YEARS BELEIVING IT MUST BE MEANT TO BE . I WAS NOW TOTALLY IN LOVE AGIAN HAPPIER THAN I'D EVER BEEN.HE HAD A GREAT JOB SEEMED TO BE A GOOD CATCH. I HAD OUR SON IN 2001,I WAS SOOO HAPPY. BY 2002 I COULDNT UNDERSTAND WHY THINGS WERE NOT FEELING RIGHT, WAS HE CHEATING ON ME ?I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS SUSPECTED CRACK HE HATED CRACKHEADS AND EVERYTHING THEY REPRESENTED! BUT AS I WOULD FIND OUT HE WAS NOW ONE OF THEM. RUNNING WITH PEOPLE HE WOULD HAVE NEVER SPOKE TO BEFORE. MY SON AND I WERE BARELY A THOUGHT IN HIS MIND. THE STRANGE BEHAVIOR TURNED INTO  CRAZY RAMBLING ACCUSATIONS, THE TRUTH WAS NON EXISITANT, AND THE BEGIANING OF THE MISERY HAD JUST BEGUN.HE BECAME VIOLENT, SEEMINGLY POSESSED AT TIMES . I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING CRAZY I JUST DIDNT SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON BECAUSE I HAD NEVER BEEN AROUND THIS IN MY LIFE BEFORE. I LOVED HIM AND I WAS GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS WRONG AND FIX IT. IF ONLY IT WAS THAT SIMPLE, RIGHT. I STARTED HEARING THST PEOPLE WERE SEEING HIM IN PLACES HE SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN WHEN HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN AT WORK. AGIAN I AM THINKING HES CHEATING ON ME(HE WAS BUT NOT WITH A WOMAN) WHICH HE ALWAYS DENIED AND TOLD ME I WAS NUTS FOR THINKING HE WOULD.WELL THIS WENT ON WITH HIS BEHAVIOR GETTING STRANGER AND STRANGER FOR ANOTHER YEAR THEN WE STARTED SPENDING LESS TIME TOGETHER FOR NO APARENT REASON.BUT STILL HE WANTED TO GET MARRIED WE WERE GOING TO BUY HOUSE ,HE HAD ALOT OF CREDIT ,WAS STILL WORKING A REALLY GOOD JOBI WASNT SCARED OF WHAT WAS TO COME YET!  WE WERE SURPOSED TO MEET AT THE BAR I WORKED AT ON NEW YEARS EVE, HE CALLED AND I KNEW HE SOUNDED LIKE HE HAD BEEN DRINKING SO I THOUGHT, AND TOLD ME HE WOULD BE THERE SHORTLY. THIRTY MINUTES LATER HE CALLED ME BACK AND SAID WE WERE THROUGH, HE COULDNT BE WITH ME ANY MORE. NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS DEVISTATED WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT! I DIDNT HEAR FROM HIM AGIAN FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS WHEN CAME LOOOKING FOR SOMETHINGS AT MY HOUSE. NO EXPLAINATION OF WHAT WAS GOING ON AT ALL. A MONTH LATER I WAS TOLD THAT HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND NOW, BY A BASIC STRANGER. COME TO FIND OUT THIS GIRLFRIEND WAS A KNOWN CRACK WHORE. HE HADNT BEEN CHEATING ON ME BEFORE BUT  THE TIMES HE WAS MISSING AND RUNNING OFF ,HE WAS SPENDING TIME WITH THIS WOMAN( WHO IS MORE THAN TEN YEARS OLDER THAN HIM) IN THE CRACKWORLD THAT I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT. BETWEEN FEB AND SEPT THEY WENT THROUGH ALL OF HIS CREDIT BY CASH ADVANCING HIS CREDIT CARDS HIS WEEKLY PAY CHECKS AND HIS SAVINGS. OVER $150,000 . HE WENT FROM A MUSCULAR GOOD LOOKING MAN TO A SICKLY SHELL. I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME UNDERSTAND HOW MY LIFE BECAME SO SCREWED UPHOW HE RUINED EVERYTHING IN SO LITTLE TIME. HE LOST HIS JOB . LIVED OF OF UNEMPLOYMENT FOR THE DURATION. BUT THAT WASNT ENOUGH $$$ TO KEEP HIS  CRACK WHORE SUPPLIED WITH HER DAILY FIX SO SHE WAS OUT DOING HER THING AND ENDED UP GETTING ARRESTED AND GOING TO REHAB FOR AWHILE, WHICH NOW HAPPENS EVERY 6-8 MONTHS. WHEN SHES GONE HE ALWAYS COMES BACK BEGGING TO MAKE IT RIGHT AND HE CLEANS UP HIS ACT AND WORKS ,NO DRUGS MAKES ME WANT HIM ALL OVER AGIAN. BUT AS SOON AS SHES OUT HE FALLS RIGHTBACK IN AGAIN FEEL AS SICK AS HIM FOR HAVING DEALT WITH THIS I KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY IT  HAS BEEN.THIS YEAR HE LIVED WITH ME FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE LAST 10 MONTHS WHEN HE WASNT HERE HE WAS AT HIS PARENTS. SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS THROUGH WITH HIM AND WAS OUT OF OUR LIVES SHE CAME RIGHT OUT AND SAID THAT IF HE STOPPED SUPPLING HER SHED GET IT SOMEWHERE ELSE . CANT HE SEE SHE IS USING HIM FOR CRACK AND CASH? WELL HE STARTED RUNNING AWAY AGAIN A MONTH AGO ANG FINALLY LAST WEEK A COULDNT EVEN STAND TO SEE HIS FACE. I TOLD HIM I HAD ENOUGH OF HE GAMES , LIES BULLSHIT THAT I COULDNT DO IT ANYMORE. I THINK I SHOCKED THE HELL OUT OF HIM ,BUT HE LEFT AND HE WENT TO HIS PARENTS. GUESS WHO WE T HIS PARENTS  THIS WEEK THE CRACK WHORE . THEY ARE HELPING HER SUCK THE LIFE OUT OD HIM ,THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS ABOUT AND LET HER IN THEYRE HOME, SICK.  RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. I HAVE LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TO CRACK AND THE CRACK LIFE STYLE AND MY SON WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A FATHER! HIS FATHER WILL NEVER KNOW THE WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL SON HE ABANDONED FOR SOME ROCK. I DO KNOW THAT IVE WASTED 14 YEARS OF MY LIFE CHASING A FANTACY THAT TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE. I THINK THAT HE NEEDS THIS "WOMAN" BECAUSE THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON ,THEY HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON THEY ARE BOH CRACK HEADS . JUST HOPE I CAN STAY STRONG AND NOT LET HIM BACK. I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD TELL HIM TO GO ,SO THERE IS HOPE.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I have been reading these stories for awhile and my heart goes out to each and every person. I can relate to some of the situations and actions but some I think is probably yet to come for me. As I read each story it does not give me much hope of my husband ever giving IT up for good. I want to thank Richard from England because he gave me a thread of hope to hold on to. I met my husband in 2001. He was charming , caring, and good looking, said all of the right things and of course I fell for him. After a couple of months into the relationship he told me of his past. He was a recovering CH. He had lived in the streets , lived in his car, stole to feed his addiction etc... He was abused by his step dad as a child, bounced from relative to relative  until he turned 17 and joined the Army for lack of anywhere to go. He also laid on me that he had criminal charge pending, selling to an undercover, and was sentenced to rehab and if completed successfully all charges would be dropped.Well you guessed it I stood by him through rehab, which he got booted from, and put in jail. The rehab facility he was at was questionable with the courts because there were many complaints, counselors using, sex with patients etc... so when he reappeared before the judge he gave him another program-out patient treatment. He was released from jail and moved in with me. He completed the program successfully and all charges were dropped. He got a job and has never missed a day at work. He did very well for a couple of years and I agreed to marry him. I was so naive about the power of this drug at the time. If I knew then what I know now about "crack/cocaine" I would have ran as fast as I could away from him!!!!!

 I WANT to say I love my husband very much but so much has happened since our wedding I am not "in love" with him. It is more a "pity" that I feel for him. To overcome this addiction for so long and to go back to it is something I cannot understand. How you return to a drug that ruined your life and almost put you in prison for 10 years- is not something I can grasp!!!

He started to use on occasion about 8 months into the marriage. At first I did not know what was wrong with him. He is a pot smoker so the 1st time he went back to IT I thought someone had laced his pot with something. His face was contorted, stiff upper lip and his eyes would dart and his voice changed. I called our friend (non user) to come over because I thought there was something terribly wrong with him. What I learned as time went on is that he was using IT again. I opened another bank account as a precaution to put all of the bill money into. I have to say that he may not be the typical CH. He does not spend hundreds of dollars on IT, steal from me, pawn any of our belongings or stay away for days. He is home every night. Goes to work everyday. He will sneak out and smoke a "blunt" by saying he has to go get gas, cigerettes, etc....  I can tell every time that he uses and I confront him right away. He denies it every time and  then later during the high will break down and admit it-each time claiming "he is through with it". This has been happening on and off since 2004. I cannot believe that I have been dealing with this for 3 years.

I call the drug dealer numbers that appear on his cell phone and threaten them. I stalk this dealer's house to catch my husband going there. I search his vehicle daily after he goes to sleep, search the basement, check the phone records, follow him when he leaves the house, and lick dollar bills looking for evidence. That's right I have licked dollar bills!!! The funny thing about this is I am looking for proof of something I already know.

I am torn between just giving up and just hanging on. Confusion is my life. When he is not using he is the most funny, caring, compassionate , loving person. When he is using he starts out paranoid,  becomes remorseful, then he is violent and agitated. Day 3 after using he is back to normal until the next time. Then the cycle starts all over again. When he is in the remorseful stage he turns on the charm saying "I love you", "I am through with this", "I don't want to lose you" , "you're my angel", "without you I do not want to live" , "using crack is not enjoyable anymore" etc.... When he is in the violent stage (jonesing for it) the smallest thing sets him off. An example is when he could not find an item he was looking for. He emptied every drawer in the house on the floor , totally tore up the basement-breaking chairs and tables etc....He has choked me, hit me, spit at me,threatened to kill me etc.... This stage is when he is someone I do not even know. The look on his face and in his eyes are totally different than the person I know and married. This drug changes a person's mind, character and morals while they are using. I have had the police at my house. I have called them, our neighbors have called them. I never press charges because when he gets out and uses and hits the violent stage, I am afraid of what he will do. This drug, I am convinced steals a person's soul and tries to steal anybody else’s' soul around the IT !!!!! I just go on day after day wondering and watching for signs of use. It could be a few days or months before he does it, one never knows. The problem is when he uses then what?? Why do I obesess with this when nothing ever changes? So whan I know he used that does not change the fact that in a few days, weeks or months he will use again regardless of my begging and pleading with him to stop. He always claims he has it under control!!! I will never be able to kick him out because he will not leave. If he did he would not leave me alone. I will be rid of him when he is arrested again or he dies from a heart attack when using. Sad choices I know.

 I am a very mentally strong person but even I feel like I am going to snap at times dealing with this drug! The hold this drug has on people is beyond belief. You cannot fight IT, because IT will win.

 When you think that this is the " last time" IT rears it's ugly head again!  People on this board state frequently that they are not sure that the user was ever who they said they were....I believe that the person off the crack is the true person. I try not to beat myself up over this. Thinking my husband who was so kind and caring was just faking these character traits. I know my husband off this drug. I was lucky enough to be with him clean for 2 years. I know my husband is not a monster and that it is the drug that makes him appear as one. I had hope at first but after the past 3 years of the on again off again use my hope is dwindling.

 Some days I think I am going crazy...the constant waiting, watching, spying etc....is too much to bear at times. Physically this stress has beaten me up. I have anxiety attacks now. I cannot sleep through the night.

 When he is not using and being his normal loving self I CANNOT be nice to him. I treat him coldly because of all that has happened. He will use this "coldness" to go and use. He says I nag him so he uses this to go and use!!  He has lied so much and even cheated on me once when using. I call him a weak coward, frequently!!

 Irritreivably broken will be on the divorce papers when I feel it is safe to file for divorce. So much has happened because of IT I know that our marriage cannot be fixed.  If I can stop just one person from being in my situation it will be worth this letter. If anyone out there is involved with someone using IT ...............................RUN DO NOT WALK away!!!

 I hope to save someone from the heartache that I have endured and that

I am still enduring.

 Signed just,

 K


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 My Story of being an abler to a (CH) named Greg.

 It all began when I was fooled by his charm in Feb. of 2003. We began living together in June of that year. Looking back, there were signs; however, I blind was at the time and didn't know all that I have learned now about (CH's) and how they manipulate and use those around them. I have three children now 10, 9, and 6. They all love Greg, but being through all the bad choices made by Greg, they no longer want to give him anymore chances, which I have lost count. Let's see from using my ATM card  emptying my account, to pawning things, and having to pick him up from Crack Town, I have finally broke free and have let him go. I still get the phone calls from time to time saying how sorry and how he chosen the right path now and that family is what matters (all of which I have heard before). He still tells me how much he loves me and all the BS. I know now that he doesn't accept responsibility for what he has done and is now living back under his parent's home, which they are enablers as well. There are never any consequences and never have been. He has drained them dry as well drained me dry, emotionally and financially. Yet, I do see the light at the end of my tunnel and I love my children more than Greg. I know that by allowing him to return time and time again is teaching them that this behavior is the norm. My children are well behaved, respectful, and are truly wonderful. I thank God that I have them in my life and that He has blessed me with all that I have. It might not be much, but there is so much love with me and my 3 T's. I am thankful for this site, for it opened my eyes to the reality of (CH) and all that I have to lose by keeping this man in my life. He has never brought the crack to my home, he has always got money from me, or somewhere and taken off for days. Then it's the same old song and dance about how sorry he is and that he is done with it. I have gone to meetings with him, helped to put him a program, which he stayed for two days. (My money thrown awy). There was the accuse that it wasn't strict enough, you could come and go as you pleased and oh it was a fag environment. Of course I believed all this and that he could do it on his own. The 'Just Say 'NO'" trick. It is sad because I consider myself to be a smart woman and good judge of character; however, allowed me and my children to be learned of (CH) behavior. I pray that perhaps by seeing and knowing what they do know, that it has taught them something in life for they are older and on their own. I do not know if Greg is in jail or not, but last week a police officer showed up at our home, waking me and my children up at 10pm, looking for Greg. I did not ask any questions and he did not offer any information as to why he is being sought after. It scares me down deep to think that I could be so fooled and almost lose everything, including my children.

 That is My Story and I hope that others can relate and get something from it.

 Again, I thank you so much for your site. I keep it up on my computer, so when and if I have weak moments, I read more and more. It truly helps.

 Sincerely,

 B


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 HI there

 Im M. I am a wife of a crack addict. My husband is D.He is 33 yrs old- This is my 2nd marriage. I have a daughter from my 1st marriage-she is 15yrs old & my son from D is 1yr 10 months.

Ive been married 3 yrs,this December and every line in your "THOUGHTS & OBSERVATIONS" folder was like my life story being told. I am presently in such debt that i do not even earn enough to pay the debt that I am in. I had my husband arrested last week for physical abuse.

 When i was initially married i had absolutely no knowldege of this drug or what the extent of the damages this drug was capable of causing- i was such a naive fool that when i had first gone out with him and he had stolen R800 from my wallet & later apologised, i actually accepted his apology & allowed him to talk me into believing it was just a stupid impulsive thing that just crossed his mind when he met  a friend from his past!!

 Maybe it was my desperation to be loved that i just went on believing all his lies & excuses that followed for 3 yrs later, I lost hundreds of thousands of rands and every piece of furniture that was movable was stolen & sold to support his habit.

Each time he apologised & promised to never do it again & stupid me just bought into his story and gave in to his lies and just kept taking him in & taking him in. I never realised until i read this site that all i was to him was just a means to support his habit., that his' i love u , i cannot live without u, this is the last time, i will not hurt u anymore' were all words that he probably rehearsed to say to me, words that he knew i needed to hear.

I understand all the behaviour patterns u stated in you article. i am now finally able to see that my love for him is dangerous for me & my kids, my love for him will be the very thing that will kill me!!!

 My daughter is devastated. we so badly wanted to be a part of a complete family unit, as I had divorced her dad ( abusive marriage- yes, i sure know how to choose them,hey?) when she was 4 yrs old & i was not involved in any relationship afterwards. When we met D he promised to give us all the love we needed and to always be there for us- u know ,the words he guessed we wanted to hear!!

In the begining it was just money that was not accounted  for,  but as time went by, in the 2nd year into our marriage, things just spiralled totally out of control.

 I sent him to 2 rehabs last year- he stayed at the 1 rehab for the entire duration & 2 months later went right back.

I always help pick up the pieces & ensure theres food on the table & the rent is paid- he gave a damn about his job & lost his job,last year becoz he stole from the company.

And yes he would start arguments just  so that he could use my "nagging" as an excuse to go smoke or to so- call relapse from staying clean for a month.

 I think i did not want to feel like a failure becoz my 2nd marraige didnt work, i think i chose to always see the good in him & yes there was so much of good- no I am being serious- the few days in between that he didnt smoke, he was a model husband & father, he would cook & clean, help with the kids, paint my toenails, run my bath !!!

Is that me being a gullable cow again! Is hoping that being in prison will help him take stock of his life, me being in denial

again.

 It just amazes me to think that his parents died when he was young ,that he never had that sense of family & love & yet we gave him all the love and offered him such a good life, even that wasnt enough to keep him faithful to us and committed to our family. This is one thing that my daughter & i are still trying to understand- Couldnt our love for him save him from himself.

 He just got worse & worse the last few months, he started beating me up recently & stole everything that i tried  to replace- my tv,my home theatre system, my cellphone, appliances & all my money- that was the last straw. When he hit me for my own money that i worked so hard for, after everything that i have done for him!!

Now he is prison- He actually called me from prison today to apologise & let me know that " this time he is going to make it work"

No, hold on, Im not buying into that !!!!

 I lost my dignity, my pride, my sense of worth. I lost the freedom to buy my kids a few nice treats & spoil them becoz i am stuck with bills every month.Simple pleasures in life are restricted now.

But u know what feels great is going home every evening after a hard days work & knowing that i can leave my handbag ,with money in it, laying around- no need to hide money or anything valuable & its only 1 week.I love never having to worry about what to expect  when i get home- i love the fact that I can sleep at night peacefully.

 BUt what i hate is the hurt that i feel. I hate having lost another marriage, i hate having been such a fool & for losing so much ,i hate myself for allowing myself to be sucked in and for dragging my poor kids through all of this.

 I pray & put my hope, faith & trust in God alone. That He will help my heart to heal & restore me & my daughter.

And more especially that we will oneday embrace the love of a true human being -someone who will return our love & respect, someone worthy to be loved by us.

 And yes I do hope & pray that Devan too will be restored by God because I dont believe that he loves himself enough to want a better life. May he embrace Gods love and realise that he has become his own worse enemy.

 ps.Steve, thx a million for this website. May God bless you & grant u all the resources u need in helping others who have gone through much worse than i have.

 This story is but a tip of the iceberg- my heart has so much more to share bu i do not feel ready just yet..

 With Much Love

M

 

 

 


 

From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: My Story

 
I've read a few stories from you history, most are pretty crap; but I'd thought I'd add mine just as a counter point.

I was a British guy living in the states, I moved there in 1992.

I was a serious rock monster dating from about 1996, I can't really pin point when I went from an " occasional coke snorter " to a full blown crack head; but it happened and I dived in feet first.

I won't go into the history, suffice to say its the same old shit and was my own fault.

However in 2001 I hit rock bottom, I had 2 choices; either kill myself or get my dumb arse out of the whole scene and go home to make a new life for myself.

I chose to go home, now it wasn't like I had any money, I just caught a bus to DC, walked the 3 miles to the British Embassey and asked for them to take me home. Luckily my sister wired the money to get me home; so after a night in the YMCA I caught the flight home.

It took a few months for me to get sorted when I got home, but I got a decent job; bought a home and moved on.

So whats the point of this ?,

Well the bullshit from the addiction clinics tell you that your an addict forever is crap. Your an addict as long as you allow it. To get clean you need the will to do it, and then get the hell away from the whole scene. I always found the whole deal of " your always an addict " very soul destroying in my wish to get free; but its a lie. Your not always an addict.

I haven't messed with drugs in 6 yrs, I've never even considerd it. Did I miss dope, well to start with of course. Now its a bad memory, I even quit smoking 2 years back. If your stupid, lazy and totally uninterested then your bound to stay an addict. A bit of will power and get away from where you live.

Richard


-----Original Message-----
From: 
Sent: M
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: tell my story

 This is about my CCH.  We have been married for only 8mnths.  When we met after being alone for a while, I new that I had finally met Mr. right.  Boy! did I have a rude awakening.  Two days after we married,  one morning my CCH turned over, looked at me and said, 'the honeymoon is over'.  I didn't know what to think.  He left the house and called back later in a panic and told me that his life was on the line.  That he had relasped, and the dealer had a gun on him and would kill him if I didn't bring him money.  It has been C hell every since.  He has sold cell phonesssss, watches, the door key...that was the last straw, and God knows what else.  After his binges he , acts as though nothing has happened and feels that he is entiled to spend my money, eat my food, and anything else he can get out of me.  He is a pig in the house, he does spiteful things.  He stills saids that it is all my fault.  He is very jealous of me and will do anything to try to kill my self exsteme.  I filed for my divorce from him.  It is not easy to divorce someone you love.  It is so confusing at times because the person I thought I married is really not that person at all.  There is alot of fantastic horrors I could tell but I'm sure that anyone who ever been in C hell, knows them all.  Peace.

 C


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 My name is L. My husbands name is E and he is a crack addict. I met Ed in Nov of 03'.When we met I was intrigued with his lifestyle. He was on the run from CT (he left the halfway house he was released to) to FL where I lived. We hit it off immediately. We were married 5 months later and that's when shit hit the fan. I had only ever heard of crack heads and the despicable things they do. Never in my life had I ever imagined I would be married to one. He obviously failed to mention the fact that he was a user. He started hanging around these really scummy people. At first he told me that he was just the connect to get them their drugs. Come to find out he was using as well. I found out because something was telling me something was wrong. We had a spare bedroom in our apartment and he would spend hours in there blaring music coming out occasionally to "check on me". One day he was passed out on the couch and I picked the lock to the extra room and found a garbage bag with all sorts of shit, things I can now name as pushers, stems, chore boy(dish washing utensil) among hundreds of little tiny colorful baggies. I confronted him about it and he finally admitted he has a drug problem but was seeking help and called for a bed at a rehab center but hadn't got called for one yet. a few weeks went by and he told me the hosp was in ft lauderdale which is a different area code. Nothing had come out of it but I asked everyday and everyday was the same excuse. Nothing yet. The phone bill came in the mail and, you guessed it, no long distance calls to ft lauderdale. I caught him in his first lie. Its been nothing but lies every since. Thousands of dollars, jewelry, cell phones, DVD players. cameras. You name it he's sold it. We moved to CT (I left all of my family behind) so he can turn himself in and get this monkey off his back. he did 9 months in jail and came home a new man...for about two weeks. He went out to get soda and came home high. He's been to rehab once and came home early and swears he'll return when he's ready. In September of last year he came across a guy who loaned him $2,500.00 to buy some coke to sell and make money. I knew nothing about it. one day he's paranoid and leaves the house saying he heard the landlord say he was kicking us out and was going to go get us a motel(my landlord knows nothing of the situation and loves us both dearly. He wasn't even home) He left before I could say anything. About an hour later his mother comes to my house blaring the horn. I stick my head out of my 3rd floor window and she says come now Ed is in the hospital. i rush and put some clothes on and run downstairs. It turns out my husband went to some guys house to cook some of the coke and get blasted. No one knows exactly what happened but this is his story. He gets upstairs after the crack is done and sits on this couch. He notices that the floor is wet. He gets high and all of a sudden starts feeling electrical shots in his feet and legs (he's wearing sneakers and jeans.) he removes ALL of his clothes and runs into the street saying that someone is trying to kill him and commences to run up and down a very well known street. A family friends who happens to live on the street goes and gets his mom who in turn comes to get me. I thought I was going to die. He stayed clean for about a week. To a normal person that would have been rock bottom. Its been 8 months and nothing has changed. I have made the conscious decision of leaving my husband. Yesterday he stole a pair of earrings he gave me for our 3 year anniversary as well as my bus money to go to work today. (its an hour walk) He has once again promised to never do it again and he's going to start calling for beds and doesn't want to do this anymore, blah blah blah. After coming to this website and reading that same thing from so many people it has sunk in that nothing is going to change. So many times I've thought to myself "I must have been a murderer in my past life because this is no way for a person like me to live." and I know that I'm not to blame. I've never blamed myself. He is a crack head. He is addicted to the most malicious drug on the face of this earth. This drug and its addict has no family, no morals, no compassion or consideration. It has no face. It is has no mercy. I haven't left him yet because I enjoy going to bed with a clean conscience. I know he has no where to go If I leave him. I do everything. Pay all the bills and bust my ass. But whats the point of going to bed with a clean conscience if you have to sleep with everything stuffed in a pillowcase inside a pillowcase for your pillow. It doesn't seem worth it to me anymore. I've tried and begged and pleaded to no avail. He doesn't love me. He loves crack. Crack takes precedence over everything. The lights are getting cut off, he gets high. The cell phone is due, he gets high. I've come to my wits end and realized that no matter how much I love him I need to love myself more. Before my love for him turns to hate I have to go. Thank you so much for this website and for your insight. It saved my life today.


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Thank you so very much for this site. It has done wonders for me.

I have read all of your stories, and I feel your pain, I understand.

 What I don't see a lot of here or anywhere, are symptoms. I have been through hell with my ch and back too many times to count and the fucker snows me almost every time. But I am learning. I first went to sites like the n.i.d.a. looking for information. All I found was stats and clinical data, pictures of crack and pipes etc. Very little practical symptoms that I could watch for. I am writing this to share with all that come after me, and maybe it will help. As each ch is the same and different all at the same time, here are the things I know to watch for now. Please understand, that I may sound paranoid here (as most of you know what THAT feels like) I am far from it.

 My ch is 36 now and has been using off and on for 2 years, been through rehab, jail, court, and lied to everyone about everything.

 PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

 1. profuse sweating, especially over the ears, in the hairline (as strange as that sounds, it's true) even though it is 15C. in the room

2. even after a shower and deodorant, within 5-10 min sweats stinky chemical odor sweat from pits (and this was never a problem before he started using crack)

3. odd smell emanating from skin (I am his wife and we've been together for 17 years, i know what he smells like)

4. severe acne on his back (also never a problem before)

5. his face and body pouring off heat, like a little child with a raging fever

6. veins popping out on his forehead (increased blood pressure)

7. dilated pupils 

8. ticks begin appearing with his facial muscles

9. grinding teeth (and new dental problems that come with it) and working jaw (he tried to cover this up by chewing gum)

10. jerky movements, extremely fast

 ATTITUDE AND BEHAVIOR

 while using:

1. Hyper, hyper, hyper, very chatty and king of the mountain for a short period of time

2. Aggressive, paranoid, controlling alpha-male asshole shortly after the hyper period

3. Apologetic, depressed, crying, begging, sniveling

 over time while using:

4. lying to everyone

5. picking others to be the focal point of all excuses (me in this case) i.e. she did this, she did that, which is why i am having these problems with money, my jobs, my family, my...etc.

6. 'losing' money, it fell out of my pocket' (how the fuck does $2000 dollars cash fall out of your pocket?) etc.

7. martyring themselves... oh poor me

8. stealing, stealing, and lying about the stealing (look for hock store recites), also, sob stories about 'i know this guy who lost everything in a fire so i gave him (fill in your missing article here)'

9. progressive violent behavior when there were no such behaviors before, aggressive towards all, children and animals included

 10. extreme entitlement, I deserve to take all the money, mine, yours, everyone's. I work hard, I am entitled: to it, to steal, to beat you, to take food out of the kids mouths

alternating with:

11. Extreme shame, lack of self esteem, crying jags, begging, apologies

 My ch can only seem to stay sober for no more than three months at a time. The odds are not good he will ever be normal again. His thought processes are skewed, and even the shrinks can't seem to help.  If you happen to have a ch in your life, leave him/her. I am. And it's because of you kind people who have shared your stories with me that I can find the strength to move on, make a new life for our kids and for me.  THANK_YOU!!!!


-----Original Message-----
From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Poem For Your Website

 Trust and passion from the start,

Is all I wanted in my heart.

To be your wife was once a goal,

Now in my heart is one big hole.

You promised and promised as time went by,

Now almost two years gone in the blink of an eye.

From laughter and love, and awesome sex,

To crack, and pot, and cigarettes.

You once gave me hope and passionate kisses,

Now the days pass by and it's only wishes.

Wishes of a future that I thought we'd have,

But knowing the truth and being sad.

We once said forever, together as one,

Now it's just you, as my life is numb.

I honestly felt we'd make it forever,

A moment of past I'd always treasure.

The truth be known you have a new love,

It isn't me, it's the drug.

 Sandy


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: please submit

 I have emailed Steve for info on this horrible devil drug in the past, but just recently, am I feeling ready to submit my own story.

This web site has given me strength when nothing else could.  Feeling so alone and confused, feeling blind-sided, and like no one really understands the heart break crack cocaine can bring into your world....except for us, those who love the addicts!  The personal stories that have been told on this site have lifted me from very low places, many times.  It has always seemed that when I needed it most and really needed direction, someone else's story hit home with me.  Like God was giving me the courage and knowledge that I needed to continue down my path of leaving the CH behind.  It's like you have to give up and see the awful hoplessness that is in front of you before you can really leave it all behind.  Guess not only do the CH's have to hit rock bottom before coming up (if ever), but the innocent by-standers do too.

Why is it so difficult to accept that we can not save these people?  Why the continual feelings of betrayal when we are very aware that is all they have to offer?  Why does it still hurt and sting so intensley after all the lies that have been told and the years that have gone by?  So much precious time wasted!  My advice is to get out while you still can...do NOT start a family with a CH.  They make horrible parents!

I will try to shorten my story.  Basically, it's the same old story, just a different author I guess you could say. 

I married my X in college.....over 12 years ago.  Thinking at the time he was needing to be loved....he would soon blossom into a great man!  Yeh, well, people are who they are, and little did I realize at the time, but the guy was already at his peak.  It was all down hill from there.

After lot's of physical & mental abuse, the drama of him cheating on me of course, I finally divorced him when our second child was just a baby.  All that had occured even before the drugs started.  What is worse than a horrible husband- a crack addicted X husband that you share kids with!

He has weasled his way out of every real consequence possible thus far.  He is the manipulator of all manipulators......charmer of them all, and a chronic victim that life has picked on always.  He has become a full on CH at our expense.  He seriously has lost his ever living mind.  He used to be fairly intelligent I thought, but since his addiction to crack started, over the past 5 years, he has obviously fried many of his brain cells.  How he has stayed out of jail is beyond me- maybe the charm (or his mama)?

He can't keep a job, a place to live, or even a vehicle for that matter.  He pays nothing for his children and has to now be watched during his brief visits with them because of his wreckless ways that have hurt them in the past.  He has been high around the kids but what I think is even worse, is when he is "coming down" from his high- around the kids.

Regardless, he is still the bio-daddy and he has "rights".  What rights do me or my kids have?  I have to make them see his shell of what used to be their father on a regular basis...no choice.  He can be totally inappropriate, crying the entire time if he feels like it, shaking, stuttering, clamy & sweating too, but still he has rights to see them.  It takes days for the kids to recover from a short visit with his addicted self but no one seems to be thinking about that.  Well, I am, and as much as it hurts me to see my X slowly killing himself, my kids being part of his audience is by far the worst pain that I have ever known.  It is total devastion for a parent to be raising their children, trying so hard to protect them from harmful things in the world, when the other parent acts as a complete poision to them.

How do you co-parent with crack addict???  What should the children be sheltered from and what should I be open about?  How many chances does the father get just because he is biologically connected to them?  What is forgiveable?

If there are any other parents out there that would like to share ideas, advice, stories, etc. on this subject please feel free to contact me through Steve if possible.  I am very interested in a support group of any sort for us single parents trying to cope with the CH X.

My babies are growing older and wiser and realizing more all the time, and I am even more frightened about their future.  Maybe there is someone else who needs support in this area too?

Thanks for your time.

MS


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Share my story

 Hi Steve-

I love your website! I already attend AlAnon, NarAnon and NA Open meetings...however some of what is contained on your site is what I need to read. I am a classic enabler and I hope I have finally learned my lesson with the crack addict in my life. For purposes of this story, I will call the addict D.

My story:

It stared out as a rebound relationship initially: I met D at a restaurant in late 2002, when I was working part time as a server. At the time I was married, but feeling the strain of being around my ex's family who were not supportive or friendly of me. I had two young children and finances were tight, so I was trying all i could do make side money. D was the cook, a few years older than myself, and we almost immediately hit it off. I recall showing off a bit and thinking he was sexy. He talked of his band days and was very intelligent. Around that time, feeling depressed and already on a prescription medication, I decided to up my dose for a few days..I was also on strong prescription cold meds. I developed an obsession with D and a huge appetite for sex. I wrote him a couple of love poems and burned him some tunes on CD's which I presented to him. I was almost stalking him to find out where he lived.

Later I discovered he was only just out of drug court and had a long history of drug and alcohol use. He was living at his parents house and rode a bike everywhere. My best friend who was working with me at the time warned me, perhaps knowing things about him that I didn't, and called him a 'loser'. Despite the warnings, I "fell in love" with him and there was a nasty break up of my marriage, (followed later by a couple of reconciliation attempts and marital therapy inbetween.)

At this point I was on a cocktail of prescription meds and D had remained as an email friend, but I kept my distance and worked on my marriage.His emails always cheered me up and I felt supported emotionally. He had a DUI accident in June 2003 and called me from hospital...I begged my husband to go visit D, and he relented. D was badly injured and my heart went out to him. Shortly after that my marriage broke down again, and I secured an apartment, while the divorce got underway. D and I spent all our spare time together, and he was continuing to drink. In the Summer of 2004, just after I had secured him a job and leased him a brand new jeep to drive, I left on vacation to see my family in GB and D relapsed on crack. I returned to find most of my belongings missing, including my diamond rings, DVD's, CD's, inherited gold jewelry etc etc...D claimed it must have been the maintenance staff!! And i believed him!!!

A week later he totalled my vehicle, which I had asked him not to drive, and I finally realized what was going on. I confronted him angrily to find out where my belongings had been pawned off. Feeling completely lost,  I reconciled once again with my husband in the process. D hit bottom and cleaned up. A few months later, marriage failed for good, divorce restarted and I secured a mobile home. I somehow got back in touch with D through emails and we started up where we left off. He was clean and sober, and had a job. Then we took over a local music magazine, and gradually he reverted back to drinking heavily. He had been 8 months clean.

1Within a year, he had another DUI charge, and broke his wrist falling down stairs. We had been fighting almost all the time.

A few weeks ago he went back on crack and cleaned out my bank account and all the advertising money within a week. He was hitching rides from staff members to collect the money, and then cashing the checks at his local party store. He claimed he was depressed and sleeping a lot because of that. I stayed away for a few weeks once I knew what he was doing,a nd had to close the business, but then he seemed to want recovery. Believing I could help with being a 'friend', I continued to stay in touch, and took him to  a few meetings. When he claimed to be done with the using, I allowed him to eat at my home and hang out. I helped him retrieve his expensive bike from the dope house, and did his laundry etc...But there were constant lies and more use. He gave me a couple hundred dollars back from the thousands he owes me, probably to make me feel like he was really trying to make amends.

At this point I do not even know where he is, and his family is not in touch with me...they probably feel it is my fault somehow. I truly hope I have learned by now that this pattern will keep repeating itself, leaving me bankrupted and socially scorned/ridiculed. I am lucky my family and friends still talk to me. I hope others can learn from my painful enabling mistakes.


-----Original Message-----
From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Please post my story 

I've been with my bf for about 14 years.  We were high school sweethearts. He's always smoked pot & use to have a big problem with alcohol.  The alcohol addiction ended when he scratched himself up on night after an arguement & then he called the cops... on me!!  Well, I had no visable injuries... so I spent the weekend in jail.  I guess that was a wake up call so to speak for him.So he hasn't drank since & it's been about 3 years ago now.  However... on & off for the past few years, he's been doing something other than smoking pot.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but I had a suspicion that it was crack.  When I came upon this webste.. my fears were confirmed.  You see... he won't admit to me that he's smoking crack.  He denies it & tells me that I'm paranoid.  He'll keep a job for a couple of weeks & then quit because of one excuse or another.  When he gets paid, he'll stay out all night & come home broke.  I pretty much have to pay all the bills myself. Sometimes he hides in the bathroom & acts like he's using the bathroom or taking a really long shower.  But really he's in there gettin his high. I've gone in there after him & found tiny ashes all over the floor.  They kind of "crunch" when you mash them with your finger.  Also, he avoids looking me in the eye & will avoid being in the same room with me at all costs.  He also buys lighters daily when he's on these benges.  I see toothpics lying around with black residue on the tips of them.  I guess he pokes at the pipe to unclog it.  I've also seen this same black mess on his tee shirts.  He has this chick friend that is our neighbor, that he hangs out with.  He says that he's just getting weed from her, but my gut tells me it's more than that.  She calls him constantly & when she calls... he jumps to her aide!!  He doesn't have any interest in having sex with me either.  I feel like he's either getting it from someone else or that the drugs have taken away his desire for sex.

I've made the same mistake that a lot of peple have made... i thought that I could love him enough to make him stop... but no matter how much I love this man... he loves this drug more!  I've taken out loans to buy him vehicles, maxed out credit cards, bought him cell phone after cell phone... you name it.  I could give him the world & it would never be enough.  My advice...and this is advice that I hope I can have the courage to take myself... is to love them enough to let them go... to let them hit "rock-bottom".


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I'm in love with a crack addict.  We first met in 1983 we were in high school. I dated one of his friends and even fixed him up with my cousin.  After graduation we went our separate ways.  I always looked up to him even though I am 2 1/2 years older than he.  He was the best looking, most popular, star athlete, etc. in high school. I was divorced about 3 years ago and ran into him in April of 2006.  It was like I was destined to be with him. We text messaged and talked on the phone  on and off for 4 months.  July 8, 2006 I finally saw him again and I have been hooked every since.  I had heard he had a history of drug problems.  BUT I had no idea, no clue what I was getting involved in.  He was open with me and told me he had a drug problem and had to go to meetings every chance he got and he was going to beat it.  I was all in.   I wanted to be the one to be there when he did, by his side every step of the way. In Nov. 06 he got his drivers lisence back and that was all he needed.  He would call and say he was on his way over and then never show up, not answer my calls or messages where I was pleaing for him to answer. Each time he would say it would never happen again. Things got worse!!!!!!!  He lost his job, his apartment.  And what do I do let him move in with me.  He found another job but things only got worse, it seemed to be lots of addicts at this job.(excuses, excuses) He would get paid and be broke the next day, he was using an old truck of his grandads, compliments of his mom ( most wonderful lady in the world) and he traded the truck for crack.  Told me it was broken, went to get it and it was gone, then he said they stole it.He has no truck, no money, he had just got paid over a $1000 and it was Christmas.  Again same old story, he is sorry, wont happen again.  I let him use my car to go to work and I bum a ride from a friend.  What happens when he gets paid on Friday,he stays out all night in my car doing crack. This is new years eve.  I am so disgusted thinking of this going on in my car. Here he is broke again!!!  And me, single mother of 2 beautiful girls footing his bill.  But I did tell him he had to leave. he went to a halfway house until he got kicked out of there.  He doesnt know why, hahaha. He loses his job with the other addicts and I take him in again.  I love this man. He finds another job, he is so smart, hard worker, great personality. He is supervisor of a huge construction company at a large mill.  He leaves one evening when we had plans, says he couldnt wait on me.  Guess what he is up too. I changed the locks on my doors and would not let him in at 5:00 in the morning.I called police to make him leave my yard because I know how violent he can be after using and when he needs it. But I give him 240.00$ for hotel room.  He has no where to go. He ends up there and living with a "friend", her son, sister, husband and who knows who else. He continues to use everytime he gets a pay check.  This is a man making 1800$ a week now.  I saw the check. He loses this job.  He now has a new job and his first pay check last week he went and spent it all on crack.  He trades his cell phone, fishing equipment, knives, tools, anything he can find.  He has stolen from his parents, he has not stolen from me yet that I know of. I see him only on the weekends my kids are gone. I could go on and on with stories, but Im sure you have heard them all or similar ones. He tells me I am all he has, his parents have been doing this for 11 years and sick and tired.  They have nothing to do with him,  Im not sure how stable the people are he lives with are but I consider my self fairley stable.  Im a nurse, Ive had the same job for 15 years, I have 2 beautiful children, I struggle financially but we always seem to find a way to make it.  I have lost all my friends because of this man. and for some reason I cant give up on him.  Each time I think well this will be the time he wont use again.  I love him and care for him so much.  WHAT DO I DO?????? I AM NOT A QUITTER!!!!! MY HEART IS BROKEN IN A ZILLION PIECES.  Thanks for this opportunity to share some of my story, I have no one to talk to , my friends are tired of it and I dont want to worry my family.  NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 My name is S, what a wonderful site to come to and know there are other people who truly understand. My son is a crack head, he was involved in a sport for years and believe it or not he started using cocaine 4 years ago with his coach. Three years ago he came to me and told me he was a drug addict. It was then that our world began to crash. I thought I could fix him like every other parent. I took him for drug tests which he conned, I paid for a very expensive rehab ( which he was kicked out of). Every boundary that was set for him we relented. He stole thousands and thousands of dollars from us, credit cards, cash , jewelry each time he would promise to change and get help. He went to three more rehabs. We have kicked him out, he lived in a shelter. It has been a nightmare, nites looking for him on the street, trips to the emergency ward. Yet to meet him he can be the most charming kid in the world, also the most manipulative. No one truly understands the pain it causes unless they have walked in these shoes. I can remember seeing a counselor and he said quite frankly " kick him out". I left there upset and angry because what I wanted was answers to help him. Three years later I realize he was right.

 When I look at my son I see empty eyes, and it saddens me that this devil of a drug has controlled his very being. It is like grieving the death of your child. He is leaving Friday, we have had enough and now know we are only contributing to helping him kill himself. I pray to god to help him show the way to a better life, but at this point I just don't know. He loves his sister very much and I recently asked him would he want her living with a drug addict his answer was absolutely not! then I said that is how we feel living with you. As a parent this is one of you worst nightmares. It will never be my child or so I thought. I never even thought about drugs. There is alcohol addiction in my family and the only thing I was worried about is how much alcohol my kids consumed when with there friends. There isn't a day that goes by I don't feel the pain of his addiction. 

 Addicts are the most manipulative people I have ever met, you wonder do they ever speak the truth. I have even disallowed him to visit family members for fear of him robbing them. My beautiful son, with a bright future, and a kind heart is gone right now masked by crack. Only he can find his way and I hope more then anything he does.



 From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 All names are true but to save time I will use "M" for him and "B" for myself.

 

After stumbling purely by accident on this website and reading some of your stories I decided to include my own. I have been married for ten years to my

CH but it didn't start out this way. I can say that the addiction came after our first year of marriage (or possibly 8-9 mons) but once the cycle started it was full force.  If anyone would have told me that this is what my life was going to be like eleven years ago I would have called them a liar, but here I am.  We have 4 children (3 are mine from a previous relationship and he has a son from a previous relationship) ages 21, 18, 17, and 15; also a grandchild age 7 mos. Since the birth of my grandchild my eyes have been opened to it all, and I realize that this is a never ending cycle that only "M" (CH) can break.  "M" has always worked, always kept a job and I see now that the only reason for this was to feed his addiction. There have been and still are times when M will go for days without using but when the urge hits him it's all over. The paycheck may be anywhere from 600.00-1000.00 a week and if the urge has hit M to get high then I can kiss any bills I have to pay goodbye they won't get paid until I get my own paycheck.  At times M has the audacity to get mad when I refuse to give him money back that he has given me for bills but in the end I always it back because he always promises that he'll leave even to the point of  making the pretense of packing his clothes up to leave then say that my mom is coming to get my things. He'll leave at 9 pm and come in the house at around 4 or 5 in the morning sometimes waiting for me to leave to go to work then sneak in. Each and every time I hear "I promise this is the end" or "I know how much I'm hurting you why don't you just kill me now because if you leave me then I am going to die." Yep have possibly heard it all and each and every time he says "I don't want to lose you, you're my wife and I love you so I got to make it work, I'm going to kick this thing this time" well in nine years he still hasn't kicked it.

 

To all of you out there both male and female I think this is where we make our mistakes (especially the ones who got the addiction after the relationship has started) we think we can change them back into the person they were before the addiction and that's just not going to happen.  We can no longer change them than we can the spots on a leopard. The drug has gotten hold of them and they will lie, rob and steal in order to get to the crackhouse, dopeman or whoever has what they need.

 

M will lie and say I'm just gonna go get me some "purple" (to those who don't know that's marijuana) leave with 100 or 200 dollars and come back and say "I need the rest of my money"or "I must have lost some money cause I can't find mine, so let me get $20 from you till tomorrow" well tomorrow never comes. I had to cancel the contracts on our cell phone service cause I got tired of him pawning his phone for drugs. When my sons were younger they were given a Playstation for Christmas all of a sudden it came up missing when asked he denies ever touching it. The kids have to hid any extra money they get or I lock it up in my car (He has pawned every vehicle he has ever had one he is still paying for) so that they don't have to worry about him stealing from them.  I used to cover for him with the kids, my family and to the ones he owes money too but no more. I am so afraid that he is gonna take something from my sons (18/17 yrs old) and someone is going to get hurt.  I have come to the point that one of us has got to go and he will never be man enough to leave the home and let me and my children live there (we live in a community property state) so I will be stuck with the chore of finding someplace to rent (am now struggling to pay a mortgage on my income and going back to renting is the only option I have, due to having to borrow money to pay bills and history of slow payment with loan companies) His drug usage has almost had us in foreclosure several times and then and only then does he get on his game and start paying bills (this only happens every three months and he only does it when I threaten to moe out). I am truly at the end of my rope. It's not that I don't love him I do but all that he has put me through has changed that love drastically. He has tried rehab but the house where he was at all he had to do was go a street over and it was crack city so that didn't work. I don't know if he wants help or not he keeps saying he does but I have to wonder is it all just talk to keep me quiet.

 

I didn't mean for this to be this long and if I took up too much of your time I am truly sorry but I had to get that off my chest and I thank you for this site.

 

B


 

From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 

Hi Steve,

     Thank you so much for creating this much needed place "CrackReality.com"

I found this site a few years ago and I visit often to remind myself that I am not able to help my CH husband.  He has been smoking cocaine/crack for that last nine years.  He has a very good paying job and is a functioning addict.  He has currently lives in a abandoned building and was intentionally struck by a drug dealer vehicle last summer.  He went to the hospital and returned to his abandoned building and continued to smoke cocaine/crack.  I am so thankful that myself and our daughter 13 years old don't have to deal with his daily insane lifestyle.  I took the 12 Steps from Cocaine Anonymous and applied them to our daily lives...i.e. We are powerless over My Husband/Her Dad's addiction to drugs.  So far so good.  To anyone who has a drug addicted love one; know that you cannot help that person and it is not your fault.  I repeat "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT."  Those people will blame your for their situation and tell you how wonderful their new friends are.  "Don't Believe the Hype"

 

P.S.  The best solution for yourself is to insist on having the happiest life possible and those people addicted to drugs will be alright. 


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Well my story is short, I hope.  My dad began using crack (a progression from intravenous cocaine use) almost 20 years ago.  He is now 58 (in June).  He was in and out of jail my whole life (apparently the first time he had criminal charges he was 14).  My mom and him were off and on for years.  They remarried in 1988 after he was released from jail, and overcoming cocaine addiction of the "non-crack" kind.  That didn't last long.  My mom told me my whole life what a fantastic con-artist/manipulater my dad is/was. My mom and dad split the final time a few months after the marriage when she found needles stashed under the rim of the bathroom sink vanity... boy she was clever to have looked there!  I was 13 and used to being without my dad. My early childhood he was always out with his uncle and cousins smoking pot, and partying.  He would go on party binges, out of Toronto where we lived, in the Newmarket/Aurora area where they lived.  I always enjoyed a special closeness to my father until he fondled me in his sleep when I was quite young.  I still loved him and I was afraid to tell cuz I didn't want my parents to fight, but eventually told when my mom asked me while going through divorce proceedings the first time.  I tried to overcome losing the father that I loved so much in spite of what he had done and his failings at being present as a parent.  I also had to come to terms with the childhood molestation.  I learned eventually that my dad actually believed he never touched me.  He believed that it was a notion put in my head by family members.  Nothing irritated me more.  I became driven to confront him and what had happened that night so long ago that I remembered so vividly.  I did see him in prison once when I was 16.  He tried contacting me in June 1995 collect from jail, by this time a crack-addict, but I was not home and my roommate passed on the message.  I missed another collect call on Christmas 1996.  In 1997 I sought him out for the big confrontation.  He was in jail (the only time I seem to be able to find and contact him).  We spoke mostly through letters.  He was a mess when he tried to accept what I told him as the truth.  There was some emotional manipulation about how he would not be able to psychologically deal the next time he used.  Anyways, the confrontation gave me what I needed to get on with that aspect of my life and begin healing.  He was released from prison and in June 1998 I was set to reunite and introduce him to my less than one year old daughter- a birthday and Father's Day gift.  I was too late (not that it would have made a difference, just that I didn't get to see him again) because he was using again.  I knew very little about crack.  I had become a "pot-head" myself, and stayed away from people that were users of cocaine and crack.  Fortunately, I never lost close friends to that addiction.  That period of time was the last contact I had with him for years.  Until now.  I quit using pot in 2004 and in 2006 (late in the year) I became determined to seek out my father again.  Partly curiosity, wanted to know if the dad I longed for my whole life was dead or alive, and partly out of some belief that I could save him.  He was in jail when I found him.  I looked up family members that I knew of but that barely knew I existed and didn't really seem to care.  I was looking for a connection to a family that although they were pretty screwed up, were mine.  I liked them if for no other reason than that emotional need to that I described and that their voices and personalities were so much like my father's.  If I was hungry before, now I was having a real craving for my dad.  So I set out to see him.  He actually didn't know who I was.  Not immediately.  He actually guessed and then denied it as if he wouldn't or couldn't believe it was me.  Well I wouldn't have believed it was him if I had seen him on the street.  Only the bald head resembled the man I had once known.  Now almost 15 years has passed since we had last seen one another, more than 15 of which he had been using crack.  I really believed I could save him... though I didn't admit this to myself.  I thought I was prepared for the probability that crack use was inevitable for him upon release.  I brought pictures of my two beautiful children.  I thought, well, you know what I thought.  On January 6 he was released from prison.  I live one hour away, by car, and my brakes were gone, so I couldn't pick him up.  Also, I live in a one bedroom apartment with my 2 children, so he couldn't stay with me (for the best anyway).  Now my contact with him had to be kept a secret.  I didn't want to upset my mom.  She had lost a husband to heart failure in Jan. 2003, and had moved and started a new life and even remarried in Aug.2006.  My sister had stopped speaking to her as a result of the new marriage and they had just gotten back on speaking terms.  I didn't want to involve anybody emotionally, and I didn't want to explain my embarrassing flawed need to know my father and my desire to help, and I certainly didn't want anyone to see any embarrassing fallout if things didn't turn out as I had fantasized.  My ex knew for complicated reasons I don't care to explain in detail right now, and my so called best friend knew, but she was now my brothers girlfriend and a risk to telling him what he didn't want to and didn't have a right to hear.  So it was on Jan/6/07 dad was released and had nowhere to go and called me for support.  He has a back problem-he needs a walker and didn't have one- and a heart problem.  I wired him $20 and he got himself to a hospital.  He ended up being there for exactly one week, and had a surgical procedure done while he was there- he had stints? put in to help with blockages in his arteries.  On the 11th I called the hospital and the nurses said he left.  He wanted to go pick up and cash a disability cheque he was waiting for and he said he'd be back.  He did come back.  He even called me.  I visited him with my kids the next day.  They met him for the first time.  He gave them $20 each and an extra $5 for my son whose birthday was the next day.  Then he gave me $300.  I told him it was too much and that he needed the $ for a place to stay.  he said he was fine.  I knew there was $ missing unaccounted for, but convinced myself that even though he was in his old "crack-hood" that the cab fare and service fees at the Money Mart and the food he purchased added up.  I didn't know that crack is cheap and a high is short.  I accepted what he explained to me and believed he still wasn't using.  He had the procedure done.  He was released from the hospital the next day and was  supposed to call me.  We had spoken the night before. We had a tough talk about my kids and how I had to be careful not to leave him alone with them because of what happened when I was little and the allegations of others that my family and ex knew about.  He was offended and had difficulty digesting being perceived in this way.  I just had to make sure that my kids were safe and my custody rights not compromised.  I told him I was sorry he had to deal with this, and that I had healed from the past and now he needed to heal too.  He was supposed to be transported to a shelter the next day, the 13th, my sons birthday.  I called the hospital the next day but he was already gone and had declined the transportation, saying he was going to his brother's place, even though I knew they were on bad terms.  Very bad terms.  His brother lives in the neighbourhood where my dad lives his crack lifestyle.  My kids were at their dad's, his weekend, and I had already spent time with my son so I hopped in my car (my brakes were fixed) and drove to find him. I called my uncle first.  I went to my uncle's place- weird casual reunion-  and he gave me tons of information about my dad's crack lifestyle.  I drove downtown to the shelter. I spent hours looking for him in the cold. I cried.  I gave up and went home and cried for the rest of the weekend.  I didn' t realize it could be over that fast.  I was so disappointed.  On the following Tuesday, I drove out to Toronto again, determined to outsmart him and find him.  I didn't.  On Wednesday he called, from the shelter, telling me he had been there all along.  That he had gone to his brother's but he wasn't there.  Sorry for not calling, but he was worried about the cost for me and  even though his story could be totally bogus, it could also be true so I gave my crackhead dad the benefit of the doubt.  There is little left to my story except the saga of the man staying in the homeless shelter, waiting out the period he needed to stay, until he got his next disability cheque, and received the social supports he needed to stay off crack and get a place of his own.  He was going to relocate to my city.  He borrowed money from me for "coffee and a little bit of pot to keep him from desiring crack".  I was nervous as hell about wiring him money, but I kept doing it hoping and believing the end of this particular stage was in sight.  My last time speaking to him was the last Saturday of January.  He was edgy, and irritable, and demanding.  I wanted to drive and see him and help in person, but he insisted he just wanted money to get by with pot until he got his cheque on Wednesday and came to my city.  He just wanted to have a nap.  I was not to come and see him.  I relented, defeated and wired more money.  I made him promise to be there on Tuesday, because I was going to bring him to my city for the day so he could check it out before he made his way in on Wednesday.  He was going to pay me back and then some for all of my phone, gas, and wiring expenses.  I went to the shelter on Tuesday.  He was not there.  Apparently he hadn't been there since Saturday.  Gee, I wonder...   How could I not have seen it coming?  I guess I've had it easy compared to so many others.  It is now March 24 (Saturday) and my uncle called on Tuesday to inform me my dad was back in jail.  My dad called HIM and let him know.  I was hurt that he hadn't stayed in touch.  I have learned through this website how lucky I am that he didn't contact me all these years and he hasn't made an effort to stay in touch.  Maybe he knows that he will only continue to use crack and use me to use crack, and stays away to avoid hurting me.  Anyways, that's all I've got to hold onto now and to remember so that I don't seek him out again and I say NO if he seeks me out in the future.  Its not a lot, but its mine.

Oh yeah, I forgot something else.  My ex was trying to get revenge on me and told my brother (my ex is my brother's pot dealer-HA!) that I had been in contact with my father, my ex-best friend confirmed any details he left out, embellishing a few of her own, and then my brother contacted my mother who contacted my sister and then my mom confronted me... and all of this AFTER my dad had already gone AWOL.  Now I have lost my dad AGAIN, along with my brother and my mother!!!  Incredible!!  With family like that its no surprise I was desperate to seek him out in the first place!!!


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit My Story

 I have been with my ch for about 21/2 years and the thing is even with all the things he has done i still love him and believe that he will get better he is only 23 years old he has his whole life ahead of him. I am 28 and have a 8 year old daughter not his but treats her like she is. We have been through so much shit I can't even belive it's only been 2 years it feels like it's been 10 I have put him in rehab and jail so many times I have lost count. The thing is J is a functional ch he works everyday and is a very hard working comes home helps me cook, clean, gives me oney for bills  ect...but than when the weekend comes around and my daughter goes with her dad and we go out if he even see's one of his so called friends you can make a bet I will wake up and my car is gone , I moved out of town a couple of months ago cause he had left again and was gone all weekend  and got arrest for driving with no license and used his brothers name so he went to jail and of course he found where I was and called me so we started taking again and he promised me everything I wanted to here. Since he has came out he 's been going to meetings and work and staying home with me he's been doing really well and I do love him besides the drug that makes him someone else when he is high. He is wonderful to me and no one has ever made me feel the way he does i know that he loves me and i know he hates the drug and is terrified of it and what it could do to him if he chooses to go back to it. He has 2 uncles and a aunt that are ch and he knows what it does and tells me all the time he just can't understand why he would even choose to do this to himself . I just need to know am i kidding my self will he be ok and stop or I'm I going to live like this for the next 10 years before I realize it is never going to stop I just wish I had the answers. I wish everyone the best and I thankyou for this website I think I read it almost everyday it helps me be aware of alot of things thanks again.


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 In my story I will refer to myself as " J" and boyfriend "C" - real names just short form.

 My story is really no different than everyone's posted as well. I have been with my boyfriend for 18yrs now and he has been a CH for 15yrs of them, and for some strange reason I believe he will change. I happened to read "Things CH say" and "Things their enablers say" and I can let you all know that 90% of posted on both sides have occured on this journey. We have 2 children (18yrs and 15yrs) 18yr old is not biologically his, however we were together while I was 6 months pregnant.

 At first when he began using I was so naive, I had no idea about this drug (crack). He was smoking pot when we first met and I was fine with it, even though I didnt smoke myself. People seem to say that pot smoking grows into bigger drugs, and if this is the case than that is exactly what happened in this case. All I know is that his brother (who is also a CH) had introduced him to this drug and he has been using it ever since. Over the last 15yrs of using crack "C" has been in and out of jail, provincial and federal. He has done some really bad things and as well as myself (with the coaxing of him of course). I keep trying to understand why he does this, but for years this has been unexplained. I have heard it all, gonna stop, he will change, he loves us, he is in jail now he don't crave it no more...etc. Well I can tell you all this, they are lies. I want to leave but it's not easy, your brain tells you to go , but your heart tells you another thing. I really do believe I have gone crazy, what am I thinking staying with him, but I can't seem to let go of the good times we had before the crack started. He is a carpenter and a mighty good one at that, he always managed to keep his job (this way he would have crack money). It came to the point where he just didnt bring home pays anymore, it started out with missing 100.00 here then 500.00 then 1/2 then eventually all of it. Who could spend 4000.00 on crack in 2 days? "C" can.

 I did leave him once, and had to move back into my parents house with my 2 kids and did so for 5 months, and all i did was worry on where he was and what he was doing. He did call me and come to parents to visit (when he needed money or cigarrettes). He has never been physically abusive however the mentally is just as bad. I feel so worthless and believe I am the problem to his addiction. He is currently in jail again which he has been gone for the last 17months however he did get out on a half way house program but was sent back to prison for breeching his parole (never returned to the half way house- was out using crack). He just doesnt learn, I honestly believe he dont mind it in jail, he knows they will send him back if he gets caught using but he doesnt care.

 Some of the things he has done to us, would make the normal person who doesnt have an CH in their life, shrug their shoulder and never look back. Since my boys are older they know so much about this drug that they too now say, you know dad is never gonna change, when he gets out (25 days left) he is gonna take our stuff again and its gonna be all YOUR fault cause you let him come back here. I dont know how many times I have kicked "C" out but he never goes away, I have phoned the police on him and ratted him out to his P.O advising he was using etc, but he always manages to wiggle himself back in. My 15yr old can be easily coaxed by "C" , its cold out here please tell mom to let me in. I just need some clothes and Im leaving, or give me money for a train ticket and I will leave for good. (I dont know how many train tickets I have supposely bought but It could have sent a football team to every state in america)

 It got so bad, that he would take our meat from the freezer and sell it too his dealer for 1/2 price just for crack. So I decided I wasnt going to buy meat anymore, that I would just buy what we need to eat for the day, this way he couldnt take it and sell it. Of course his first choice was taking the kids things.. video games, stereo's TV's, computer..etc. He once unplugged the TV while the kids were watching it and told them it was broken and walked out the door with it. You think this couldnt be happening to you, that this is only in the movies....but let me tell you , it happens , and if your CH has not taken anything from your home, its only a matter of time before he/she does. It's like they have this uncontrollable urge to get this high that they will never reach again (which they know) but have no problem smoking it just to see if they can. I have read stories on every web site that offers stories and yes they are all similar, and really none of us are worse off than the next.

I can offer all kinds of advice, but who am I kidding, and I cant take it for myself?! Being only 37yrs old I have my whole life still ahead of me, yet I am willing to let my 36yr old CH boyfriend destroy me and make me feel worthless and ashamed. I have no friends (well I have one g/f and she is in the exact situation as I am in her b/f is a CH) we offer each other advice but never take it. I can't have friends, I would be too embarrassed to bring them home to find him either in the bathroom smoking crack or our TV gone, or peeking through the blinds with his bottom lip moving side to side asking if I seen cops outside. I am currently on medical leave from work seeing a Dr. for my depression and it just seems to be getting worse now that he is coming home in 25 days. I wasnt too impressed to find out that he only has 3 months left of Parole (why would they run it concurrent with his sentence) however Parole never stopped him from using, but it was easier to get him sent back to jail if he was using. With no charges hanging over his head (which he always used as an excuse why he kept using cause he was going back to jail anyway) it will be awhile before he gets caught doing something illegal and sent back to prison. I used to give him the benefit of the doubt that he would change this time, but I am hearing the same ol thing from him while he is in their, and now since he is out in less than a month he is talking about a little party he wants to have to celebrate his freedom (buying getting some Escasy and getting drunk!) yes, he wants to change !!! NOT!!!

Well thanks for listening and whether anyone reads this or not , it felt good to get off my chest.

 Take care and be safe,

 "J"


From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 My story is like everyone else's.I met my chexbf when i was sixteen I am now 25.I was his enabler and codependent.I have lied to more people for him to keep them from knowing what was going on behind closed doors.I have always been an honest person but when your life is with a CH u do things that u wouldnt normally do.I would cancel appoitments for him saying he was sick when in reality he was nowhere to be found.He would be there one day and the next gone for 3 never caring if he took all the money or if the bills were paid.There were weeks he would bring home 1800 and id still scrape by at the grocery store.None of these things mattered to him his mind was to twisted to care. It took me till last year to finally get up the nerve to leave him.I always hoped things would change or that i could help cure him.I now know there is no way to help a CH there is no cure.When i meet my CH i was a very outgoing,happy,caring person. I realized after awhile he took all these things away from me my friends,time with my family and most of all my spirit. I soon came to find out he liked to keep me isolatied to keep people from helping me realize the truth to what was going on.He didn't want me to work for fear someone might convince me to leave him.I got to where i felt like i was all alone in the world of my CHEXB and there was no way for me to get out.People seem to think something as simple as moving will help the CH get better.I moved with him around 13 times thinking it was the neighborhood or the town.It was neither it was just him.He would make me believe i was nothing and didn't deserve better. We had 2 beautiful kids together who are now 3 and 5. My youngest turned 3 a few days ago he didnt even call her which i am learning with the support of my family and friend's is the best for them. I thought when i left him that would be it i would be out of that world i had lived in for so long i was wrong.I left him in may of '06' and moved to a different town. I didnt hear from him until june when he showed up at my house I was shocked to see him but in some twisted way i was glad to. He fooled me once again and he said they were workin in the neighborhood and his boss had to go pick stuff up when i told him it was time for him to leave i found my self in a situation i never thought id be in.He tried to rape me and when i fought back he got behind me and tried to kill me by chocking me untill he made me agree he could come home to me and the kids. I didnt know at the time he was coming down off a high.That is the thing i know now we cant understand this problem our CH has or what they will do. Im telling my story to let people know things happen when u have a CH in your life that u would never believe would happen to u.I have tried to act like it never happened i thought that was better than thinking about  it. I have learned i have to deal with it to be able to move forward in my life and be the person i was before i had my CHEX in my life. I want people who are in situations with CH to realize they are never who u think they are and will never change just because u want them to. Get out of the situation and make a safe life for u and your children. They will try everything to keep u in their life when i say everything i mean anything . My CH tried suicide in front of me several times when i wanted to leave but i have learned i cant make him do or not do anything .I have slowly returned to the person i use to be and stoped living in fear of what might happen.I have gotton back my self worth and spirit that he took away from me for all those years.I am ready to start a new chapter in my life .I read everyones stories on here during my hard times and it made me realize i had to get out of it before it was to late for me to have the life me and my kids deserved.I realize anyone who makes u feel like u are not a person is someone u dont need in your life for any reason. Thanks for everyone on here who give strength to people still living with their CH and god bless us all.


-----Original Message-----
From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: My Story

 Hi,

 I had stumbled on to your website in search for answers, and finally found it with your website.  Thank God for you that you have a place that allows the honesty to be shared from families and loved ones of those addicted to crack cocaine.  I told my friend the other day, "We understand as few can".......I was with my ex husband for 13 years and rode the addiction roller coaster until 9 weeks ago.  It started out with alcohol, and the occasional missing paycheck when he would go use crack with his mom and sister who actively use and are very proud to admit it.  I thought this was as bad as it gets, but boy I had no idea where this drug can lead...

 Two years ago, out of the blue, my husband decided to leave me for another woman.  They lived (3) blocks away, and this woman began to harrass me with letters and stealing my mail.  I did not know it at the time, but where their apartment is was right in the middle of "crack alley" they call it. I had lived in my home for 12 years and never knew the goings on over there.  Well, about a year in, my husband got his 4th DUI and a stabbing from his girlfriend.  He had a collapsed lung and did 90 days in jail, but me the dummy that I am thought this would be  a "wake up call"....ha ha.  I let him come home right from jail and we decided to give our marriage another shot.  Good for me, we were divorced and everything was in my name and he had signed a quit claim deed on the house while he was co-habiting. So, he just paid me cash each week for the bills.  We  had to ride to work together for about 6 months, and I would take him and drop him off at AA meetings a few days as week.  He said that this girlfriend had began sleeping with his "wanna be sponsor" so he had no use for that part of the program.  Ha.  Another excuse.

 Well, we got the yellow dui plates and a beater truck (my 401k of course) and within 1 month, life severely changed.  Each payday he would disappear after work and come home on Sunday broke, and sorry.  I like how your site says "every addict is quitting"...how many times I fell for that one!! Well, 4 months of this, and I had another woman at my house offering me sexual favors for money and said she had been sleeping with W for 4 months and he said there was nothing between us.  Well, I was pretty mad and kicked him out.  3 weeks later he had been beaten by a D-boy and was checking himself in to Salvation Army for rehab.  He lasted 23 days in a 6 month program and then came back to my house.  I had not had any time to heal or deal with this, so I knew we were in trouble.  He was getting unemployment from the job he was FIRED from (go figure) and the day before the money came he started to argue with me.  The next day I gave him his check (my mailbox locks) and told him to go on.  So he left, and that night I packed his things in his truck and have not looked back.

 My question though is, like you say, they NEVER give up.  He has called me from the hospital or wherever and I wont take his calls.  He called me at work the day after valentines day and asked to see me.  I said "NO"....He has been at my door I dont know how many times and I wont answer.  How long does this go on?  Do I just keep ignoring him?

 I hope like you said that the streets will get to be too much and he will quit by being sick of it.  I dont try to understand this disease because I know it is not possible.  I know when I enable him, I am killing him along with myself.

 Thank you so much for being here for all of us.


From:
Sent:

To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Please submit my story

I don't even know where to start. I am so discouraged on life...I feel so ALONE on knowing Im the only person who really knows that E does crack. Right now I am shaking I bet you can all relate. When I first met him I just found him to be so charmin, smart and just wow by the way he's african american and I'm puertorican. I WAS a very succesful teacher in MA, divorced but loving it!...I mean...I was HAPPY..CONTENT...WEALTHY now after being with HIM after 2 years of none-sense I live a nightmare. I only own half my jewelry because I hide it or wear it at ALL times. I owe credit cards, Im unemployed with our son who was born premature at 24 weeks( he is doing great, he is truly a miracle from God) ...ufff all Im saying is that this is truly a nightmare, a task that not everyone could pass. Theres is so much to this story that is missing but its basically the same as you. Ive had thousands of dollars stolen, lies, moods, getting/loosing jobs, moving to a new whole different state leaving everything behind so we could hopefully  make it here...wow( what was I thinking! ) but then again him with his lies and tricks got me down here now. He is a good man though, he is a good father thats why I am crying...what a waste...why me???!!! Is everything going to be ok with me?....is everything going to be ok with him?...Is my baby boy going to grow up healthy?!OH my God! Yesterday I told him it was over. I know he needs to go, hit rock bottom and get help, so that is why Im making this decision. I am going to be strong, get on my feet and find a job, put the baby in day care...work, recover my credit and just try to succeed...Is this all going to be true though? or will it go the opposite way?...I am so scared. I only read like like 4 stories and started crying and shaking and decided submit a little bit of me.I do feel better and hoping I dont sound to crazy. Thank you for taking the time to read this and may God bless us all, the decisions we make AND may God bless our end.


From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 

 Here's my story.

 My dear husband came up to me at a bar one night and introduced himself and asked me to dance.  That was the beginning of nothing but 2 1/2 years of pure hell.  I had been alone for 7 years and decided on the rare occasion to go out to the bar and meet a couple of girlfriends.  I am white and his is black.

 Unfortunately, I had a very negative image of black men.  I felt that most I had met were gheto, didn't work and certainly didn't care much about their children.  Well, Donald was different so I thought but he was to prove my perception right.  I was 46 at the time I met him and he 8 years younger than I.  I have been told over and over again I look 10 to 15 years younger than my age.  I had and still have, long blonde hair almost down to my waist and love to head bang to rock and roll to this day.  Donald seemed out of place to me.  Strikingly handsome, a black man in an all white rock and roll bar didn't match up.  He asked me to dance and it was magical!  I never believed love at first sight and hadn't experienced it ever before.  Guys basically, had to grow on me.  Not Donald.  He was smooth and said everything I wanted to hear including the fact that though he was married (my first big mistake) he and his wife were getting divorced and he slept on their couch every night.

 My second flag that I ignored was that he didn't work.  He had just gotten on disability about 2 years prior due to anxiety attacks but I understood and took iit n stride and felt that somehow, I would be able to help him back to the work force with time and effort and he was totally agreeable.  After a few minor arguments between us about him finally making the total break from his so called "soon to be ex-wife", he moved in with me with major turmoil.  We had to make many frequent stops at the side of the road from his "anxiety".

 From day one after he moved in his arguments started!  His extreme jealously was nothing like I had ever expierenced before!  If a guy looked at me he called me a slut and a whore.  He accused me of f'n every man that we ever met.  Still the most bizarre behavior was if he had found out I dated a man, no matter how many years prior to meeting him, he would go introduce himself to my ex and invite him over for a social cookout or event.  Another flag that I guess I chose not to look at was I lived in the same apartment complex for 9 years and dated a man from that apartment complex for 6 months.  He and I broke up 2 years before meeting Donald yet Donald seemed infatuated with him.  Donald invited him into our apartment and sat us both down on the bed and asked my ex if he still loved me.  His reply was yes.  Donald introduced this man to crack which was casual usage at the tie so I thought and I honestly didn't have too much of a problem with it.  After that, he became enamoured with sexual fantasies of the 3 of us having sex which I thought odd and balked at it many times.  Yet, when Donald was mad, he would accuse me of being a whore and a slut with my ex though he would still  fantasied about sex with.  Donald from day one after moving in, would start fight after horrible fight only to storm out and at times (one time gone for 5 weeks) not return only to return sobbing and apologizing for his terrible behavior.  Of couse when the fight started for him to leave in the first place, it was always  because of his accusations of me being a slut and whore and he literally destroyed every gift and possession that he or I had ever bought for each other over and over again and to leave and not return for weeks.  I was completely faithful to him since the day I met him.

 Well, after nearly 1 1/2 years of this hurtful behavior, he seemed to straighten up for a couple of months and he begged me time and time again to marry him.  I did.  What a terrible mistake that was to become.  After more and more of his bizaare sexual fantisies, always including other men, he became more and more angry, leaving me more and more often and for longer periods of time.  Again, always to return home unshaven, filthy and sobbing for forgiveness.  He always told me he stayed with his sister's ex boyfriend and  named many men from his past that he supposedly stayed with until an eventful Friday, just a little over a week ago when I received a call from a complete stranger.  The man on the line identified himself as the brother to Donald's girlfriend. 

 The brother of his girlfriend advised he had just gone to his sister's house the day before and found a little box on her front porch with the key to her apartment and a note inside stating that she and Donald were leaving for good to another state and that he was to divide everything she owned between him and her 18 year old daughter.  She never even called her daughter to say goodbye and left her devistated.  Donald too, left behind 3 beautful, loving children  and he also didn't say goodbye.  His girlfriend Mary is 58 years old and her brother came over to talk to me because he said since she met Donald, she had become so heavily addicted to crack that he suspected she would die soon from her addiction.  He brought pictures of Mary and I must say, (and I'm an extremely kind person but) she is huge and frankly, quite homely!  I was shocked!  She had been an RN and nurse of the year in our state at one time and from an extremely wealthy family.  She had lost her $200,000.00 home after 9 years due to Donald and the money she would give him time after time and when she left, was behind 6 months in rent.  She had failed a urine test at her job just one week prior to leaving the state and was to start another job the next week only to find she failed that urine test as well.

 Donald was on probation for crack usage and was due to be off probation on 09/02/2006.  He was going to marriage counseling with me and seeing an addiction specialist and had passed all of his prior urine tests (somehow) for the past 3 months!  I was elated however, he still continued weekly to start a fight and leave me for 2 - 3 weeks at a time or at least several nights a week.  Remember, I have been with him counting our marriage only a total of 2 1/2 years.  Mary's brother advised he had been seeing Mary for the past 6 years!  I know he was using her and still is for her money for crack.  He depleted her finances and nearly depleted mine.  He stoll money from our account over and over and over again.  He's excuses were he loaned money to his mother and his sister but now to find out it was always for crack!  He was so good...he could look me in the eye and tell me he never cheated on me and was shocked that I would suggest such a thing!  Mary's brother told me that she often spoke to him about Donald and her's wild drug sex capades.  Others were brought in and yet Donald would insist time after time he was faithful to me.  Now I have to go get tested for AIDS. 

 He too, left everything he owned behind so I am left to pack up his belongings as well and all of his mail and pictures that he intermingled with my stuff only to be constantly reminded of the few good times we did have together and figure out what to do with it all.  His family doesn't return my calls because Donald was so good at disquising his addiction that he always painted the picture that everything was always my fault and therefore, his family believed it. 

 Well, I got a call last night from Mary's brother to inform me, he wasn't able to get everything out of her apartment in time and her poor 18 year old daughter called him to advise the cops received a search warrant to check her apartment for drugs.  I would have to assume that because Mary and Donald went through all of Mary's money for crack from the same big time crack dealer,  that they were under servalance.  Mary's brother advised they did find some "white substance" in a small tiny plastic baggy along with drug parafanalia and had sent it all off to the lab and are awaiting the test results.   Since Donald is on Social Security, the police will surely be able to track him by where he has his next Social Security check delivered.  Just one month left and he would have been off probation after 3 years and his probation officer called for a random urine test and I had to advise he skipped town.  One more thing, just last Friday when Mary's brother called to tell me this, no sooner did I hand up and Donald after being gone a week, called and didn't deny any of it!  He now has a warrant out for his arrest and his crack addict girlfriend Mary, wrote 10 bad checks to 10 check cashing places for $575.00 each before the skipped town.  Her brother found the check information when he was packing her things. 

 He hurt me beyond believe.  I am just now getting to the point of not crying everyday after a week of him being gone.  I fell deeply and hopelessly in love with a crack addict unfortunately.  One last thing, Mary's brother advised he has known that Donald was well known for years for his crack addiction.  Donald was a georgous man and when he left , he left a frail, thin shell of himself.  I would actually have to tell him to bath and brush his teeth.  When he would go on a sexual drug escapade with Mary for a couple of weeks, he would come home unshaven, his teeth became so yellow and rotten and Mary's brother advised Mary's teeth were falling out too all over crack.

 I am determined after reading this website to never allow him back into my life.  I'm so gratefule to Mary's brother for finally taking a stand and letting me know what was going on.  Donald's mom has known all along about Mary and has had dinner with Donald and her since we've been married which was only 10 months ago but refused to say a word to me about it, she wanted to protect her precious son.  She should have been bold enough to let me know and maybe, just maybe if someone would have stepped forward sooner, several lives wouldn't have been destroyed!

 My best of hope for all of us that love or have loved a crack addict is to get on with our lives, know the signs from the beginning and to never, ever make the same mistake again!

 KJ


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Well, I met my crackhead on a christian website. Imagine that? I actually e-mailed him because he was close and  because he smoked cigarettes occasionally like I do according to his profile . That is really ironic now that I know what i know. He e-mailed me  back his phone number and said he had been praying for God to bring him someone and I thought Wow! So have I?  I had been by myself in my new apartment for 3 months when I met him and just knew that it was meant to be. I called him and he had been to church that night and we talked for an hour and a half like we had known each other all our lives. I even called him back an hour later to see if it would be the same............it was. He told me he was a recovering drug addict. I ask him what he had been addicted to and he told me crack cocaine  and I was so mesmerized by him , it went in one ear and out the other.  He went on to say that he hoped his wife could be involved in the church and not have to work. He recited scripture  several times. I thought the Lord had sent me my soul mate.I was really taken by this man of God.   We decided we wanted to meet each other.

We met at a little restaurant  the next evening and had coffee and he actually payed for that. He was not my type at all. He was scrawny and bald  and what hair he had was red.He seemed unkept,but He had this unbelievable personality and charisma He made me laugh and feel like I was 16 again.. We were both just crazy about each other and fell in love instantly (well, one of us did).  I called him several times over the weekend and got his voicemail. I thought we should be on a date. I kept thinking I know I did not dream him up. I know he is crazy about me.This was on a thursday and I did not hear back from him until monday. He e-mailed me from work and said that  his phone had got wet and he had to set it out in the sun to dry. This is just one of his many lies and I don't know why I believed them. This was the beginning of the roller coaster ride. We e-mailed each other every day and talked everyday. The calls on friday saying I am on my way and he would get to my apt 5 hours later or not come at all or would stop answering his phone. He never wanted to get together on the friday he got payed and he was always broke. I would pay for his food if we went out . He would go in spurts where he might take me out  at times. He loved free stuff. He would stop on the side of the road and pick up anything if he thought he could get money out of it. He would ogle women in front of me and I actually let it go. How stupid was I?

I prayed and prayed about me and him. I thought God had sent me the perfect man who could keep my attention. Well anybody can be funny when they are high. The first time we were intimate, he stopped and said " This isn't right" and I thought something was wrong with me. This happened several times where he could not "perform". This really messed with my head. He was high and I had no idea. We were at his house one day shortly after we met  and I ask him when the last time he had done that( I never called it crack til at the last when I accepted it finally) and he said last week and I made him take me home and was devastated. I cried and cried. I had not seen nothing yet though. The best was yet to come I figured God had brought this man into my life for a reason and I was supposed to help him and not give up on him. I know that is why he chose to torment me, because he knew that I tried to have a  good heart  and wanted to help. YOU CAN'T HELP A CRACKHEAD!!  We started going to church together , at the church where his brother preaches.He was in the process of buying a house from a guy at church and he took me to show it to me. It was a cute little place 2 bedrooms and 1 bath, just perfect for us. It needed alot of work though. We were inseparable or at least I was from him. We got cell phones together. We talked every day several times a day.  Things could have been perfect. After about a month or so he told me he loved me.We started attending his brother's church. His Dad was a preacher and his brother is a preacher.  I met his family , met his mother  and she treated me better than my ex mother-n-law ever had.  I fell in love with the family then. I ended up meeting his son and his wife, meeting his daughter. I went with him to see his new Grandbaby for the first time.We went to Gatlinburg together after a while. His Mom let us use her and her husband's place and when he found out we had went up there and we were not "MARRIED" , he had a cow. That was not the "right" thing to do.This man was still legally married to his wife and had been separated for 5 years or more.But, it was fine for him to have a girlfriend? Both were too cheap to pay for it I guess.  We  were really in love or so I thought. We met in July and were pretty much living together in his place by October. The house had issues and of course he would not fix anything. He would go in spurts, work on something and then stop. He was given all kinds of stuff for the house which I guess he sold for crack money.

He stood me up alot, I sat home alot of weekend waiting for him to show up. He would always play sick or say he had car trouble or say I'm on my way. He would show up when he wanted and never thought about me sitting there all weekend worried. I guess you don't care when you are high. I will give him some credit thought. He said he did not want to hurt me. I guess I had my chances to get away but it is like a sickness. I was an enabler and didn't know it. I kept feeling sorry for him and thinking I could save him. I wanted to be needed. I think part of me wanted him to mess up so he would need me. I was really under some trance. He possessed every thought, there was no "me" anymore. All I could think about was him. I would call him all the time. He was my new reason for living. I put this man above everything , my son, myself and even God. My son was 17 then and saw me beg him to stay, not to leave. He would give me money to hold for him and then ask for it back. My son just 17 knew what he was doing. We would break up and I would vow never to see him again or speak to him. I would be the one that called him. I needed him. I was sick. It was always drama with him. and we would break up and get back together.   We spent friday before  Christmas Eve together and gave gifts together with both our names on them.On Christmas I went to church with him and to his Mom's and then we were supposed to go to my Mom's We left in different vehicles and he called me on my cell and said he had had an accident in his pants and I told him that I didn't care if he was dead, he had  better come to my Mom's. He did and stayed 20 minutes and left. ( He was high and needed another rock) I was so hurt over that. I was so embarrassed. I had never been around crack and knew nothing about it.

I would ask him to read a verse out of the bible before we went to work in the morning. He would cry sometimes. He would ball like a baby at church. We went to different churches and he always found something wrong with each one and said contemporary christian music was of the devil. I was just thankful that I  was able to get up that morning and attend church. 

On Valentine's day he gave me a diamond cluster and said that he would ask me to amrry him but he wantd it to be in a pretty place. For my birthday he gave me a diamond .....I found out late that his Mom had gieven them to him and he had them in a box. He had just looked in his box of goodies and pulled something out.He also told me he had another one bigger than that for the right time. He also said that if anything ever happened to us he wanted them back. We decided to move in together for good. My lease was up on  my apartment in April so that was the plan. We were talking on the phone and I knew his family had been giving him a hard time about us living together because it was not the right thing to do. He commenced to tell me that it was not the right thing to do and I had already given my landlord notice and did not have anywhere to go. He decided to find me a place and he did.  I gave his rings back and left him a note that we were done. The whole realtionship depended on his mood.I started to pack that Saturday and I looked at my son and said I don't want to move, I don't have any peace about it. The Lord was telling me to step away.

We went to his sister's in NC and he slept the whole time and drove like a maniac the whole way there and back.  I found a crackpipe in his car when we got back from our weekend and I think I didn't talk to him for a little while. I was just sick about it.Shortly after that he lost his job  and he was working for his neice's husband so they gave him way too many chances. They finally came to his house and gave him an ultimatum to get help and he told them he would think about it. He called themback the next day and told them he would not be back.and we did not talk for a few months. I gave him the phone back. My son and some people tried to call me and some  guy anwered the phone. He had given my phone to some guy who had been in prison.  He would not go get help. He would make fun fo my love for him and kid about marriage and mess with my head. I told him the only thing that would make me happy was if he went to get help. He wouldn't.

I was finally moving on and  feeling better when he called and left a message on my phone. I had several messages from him that I had saved and would listen to. I saved letters. I was crazy about this man. I started listening  to the message and realized it was a new message and started crying. He had called and left a message that he got a job and he missed me. I started crying and thought maybe he is cured. We got back together and he was clean maybe 2 weeks and I have to say it was the best 2 weeks we ever had. He said he wanted to get clean for himself because he loved me and wanted me. I knew he would mess up again and I didn't care. I took little pieces  I could get, any piece of him was better than nothing.When it all finally came to a crashing hault. I was suicidal and thinking irrational thoughts. I thought of just killing  myself because it hurt so bad. I started drinking and had not drank in a long time. I also thought about trying crack, I thought it he can't be in my world, I will be in his. I had lost my mind!! I called my bestfriend and she is great. She has never judged me or him throughout this whole thing. She understood how I felt because she had been through a few addicts herself .....not crack, but she could relate.


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Cc:
Subject: Submit My Story

 hello, i am amynj, some of you have asked me for my story.

 well, R and i met last july 05 at a christian motorcycle group. yes you got it, christian. i had my bike and a motorcycle and wanted to meet up with some good folks to ride.

 the first meeting R and i hit it off, at first i thought he was crabby then his mood flipped and he turned on the charm. he insisted he ride me home that night to find where i lived so he could escort me to prayer the next night via our bikes. i think he took a good look at my house found out i was a professional, naive, good person etc and decided to pursue me.

 it was strange though, part of him was pursuing me and another part was withdrawn. i said why dont we just get to know each other as friends. he mentioned something about health problems (hello i didnt know they were from crack use such as diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure, depression). i thought why would someone not want to get to know someone because of health problems? i think his good self didnt think he should go after me, and the other self thought what the heck here i go.

 all the people in the m-club thought he was such a great guy. he told me he was involved in AA. sundays he did church and AA, mondays bike night, tuesdays prayer, wednesday mission work or prison ministry, thursday he led bible study at a juvenile detention center, and weekends did evangelism at rallys. i thought wow what a guy. now i know he did all that to keep himself from using. he pursued me like crazy, kissed my behind contantly. asked me to marry him frequently.

he quit school to return to carpentry in order to marry and support me, and started hanging with those kind of guys again at work. at first he tried to be a good influence on them feeding the other ch guys he called them his lunches.he stopped going to AA-first warning sign. he let his bike stay parked in the garage after blowing a gasket-second warning. came home crabby from work and moody-warning. went out of town for work, kept insisting i marry him.

 then we did, we got married last new years eve december  31st 2005. he let prison ministry go, bible study, out of town, let prayer go, was moodier and moodier. warning warning! kept working out of town. i thought well when he comes back things will go back to normal in the end of feb.  we went on our honeymoon then. he was a jerk on our honeymoon, didnt want to be around me said it was like being in jail. then he choked me that night after saying that to me,  and left the cabin.warning!  i couldnt believe it. this was my honeymoon! was i being controlling? what went wrong here? i thought when we get back he is outa my house. but he apologized and said he'd never do it again .  the stuff went on when he got back home. we fought constantly and he hated his carpentry job and the physical labor but liked the money. however, he stopped paying his bills.hmmm warning.

we went to counseling, ( by this time it is july) the counselor said if you dont stop treating her like this you are going to end up divorced. R told him he wanted to knock (the counselor) across the room for saying that, then was asked to leave.

four days later (july 9th)after a fight he disappeared. two days later he was at home when i got home from work. i said where have you been? he looked a mess, i asked did you do drugs? he said yes. i cried he called me pathetic. i searched the car and found whore clothes. i freaked out shook them in his face and he lashed out at me with his hand, i called the cops to have him arrested and he took off.

he called me collect from ohio, was putting his coins on Dr. bob's grave. he didnt come home but went to a friends and got money from some people, pawned some tools, overdrew his account and went on a crack binge for 5 days. he came back to the house the next tuesday, broke in the house with a crowbar and hammer, was waiting for me inside the door with a boxcutter. he told me if i called the cops he would slit his wrists. i told him i would not call the police if he would go to detox. he was acting wacko so i called the cops anyway to make sure he got into the car and escorted us to detox. he stayed there for 6 days.

 i got a refrain order so he couldnt be abusive toward me but still live at home. we went to a pastor where he admitted to being with a second CW on the 5 day binge. he got tested for stds the next day and he picked up a load of condoms from the clinic. we then started going to this reformers unanimous group. it went ok until september but then he went back to work.

 he had some money and came home from a court date with some crack and a stem. (sept. 21st)he walked in the house and said here take a hit off of this. i was flipping out. i tried to throw it out, he got in the car, i dove in, he headed to the city, i threw the pipe out the window, he was freaking out his precious stuff gone.

he was heading to the city with me in the car for more, i called the cops, they pulled us over. i said ok, i'm going home you can walk to get your stuff, not in my car. he asked the cop for a ride home. i said you do it again you are out of this house and i will want a divorce if this happens again.

the next friday (sept 29)he didnt come home from work. he had told me where the crack house was so i went there. he was there in the garage smoking up a pile of rocks. i got 750 in cash from him so he could get me to leave him there with his precious stuff.

he left there and went to another location then came home sunday morning. i was thinking ok you probably were with another cw. i told him to sleep on the couch, then i moved the car several blocks over and took off the plates. then i moved my car. then i woke him up and asked him questions till he blew his top then i called the police. they took him back to the city.

he spent all day sunday (oct 1) walking home. he banged on the windows and again i called the police. they took him to a hotel and he checked into detox the next day. on thurs.oct 5 he called me to pick him up from detox.

 i said no way you arent staying here ever again until you are sober a long time, like 9 mo. he got money out from his acct. and walked from detox to the crack house. he didnt want to go to emergency housing they offered him.

 he stayed and smoked crack for 8 days right through my birthday. he called me on day nine (oct 13) of being missing, i'm cold and hungry, i've been eating from dumpsters etc. he denied smoking crack, i found on bank statements in nov. he smoked 950 worth of crack in those eight days. he told me he had no money, right.

he asked to go to the hospital said he was going to slit his wrists, pulled a knife out of his coat. he wouldnt go in the emergency room . i called the police they said we didnt hear him say he was going to kill himself. they took the knife and left.

so, i fed him and took him to detox. he went to detox for five days then to inpatient rehab. on oct 19.  he stayed at inpatient for only five days then left and got more money from his account and went back to the crack house for two days.

 he then met me outside of my work (oct.27)and asked me to take him home. i said no you cant come to the house. he asked me to give him a ride to get his bag, i was thinking ok, then i can drive away when he goes to get it.

we go to get the bag and he sees some mounted police so he says keep driving. i put the car in park turn on the hazards, here comes the police i cant wait to get this post crack binge loonie out of the car. he takes out a knife and starts slicing his wrists.

 i jump out of the car, the police call back up, they take him to the emergency room then lock him up in r-wing. he's crying i just wanted to go home. he stays in the hospital 11 days then goes to alternative living at a psychiatric center while he continues to do partial hospitalization.

i serve him with divorce papers (Nov 8)during this time and he flips out about that, but when he finds out he can get welfare he signs no contest (Nov 13)and promplty goes to get some crack after signing. he shows up at the house, i take the car away .

again he walks to the house the next day takes the car again. a week later (mind you he is in partial hospitalization and using) he disapears for a few hours and then shows up at the house again with crack.

 i call the police he is given a ride back to housing. 4 days later he is kicked out of housing for using.

now he is homeless, it is nov. 28th. he asks for a ride , i drop him off at salvation army. he walks to the crack house. he uses his food stamp card to get drugs from the dealer. he stays there 3 days then leaves to go to detox. they wont take him because he is acting like a lunatic, they call an ambulance, he goes to the hospital for observation then back to detox. they still wont take him because of his behavior. he leaves and walks to another hospital and calls me from the lobby.

 i tell him he can help himself he knows how.

he sleeps in the hospital bathroom then walks to my house th next day. it is dec. 3rd and he is pounding on my door once again to let him in. i say you got five minutes to get warm then i will call the police to take you to the hospital, go check youself in.

his wedding ring is gone, he pawned it for 15 dollars to smoke with a crack whore. i flipped out, i know we were divorcing but it meant something to me.

 i told him i never want to see you again. he says then i am going to kill myself . i said ok, he told me to call and ambulance . he walks down the street to the school parking lot and starts cutting. the police get there and try to stop him. he swings a hammer at a cop. they pepper spray him and then take him in an ambulance to the hospital then to jail.

he is still there until jan. 17th. i had him served with a stay away no contact order in jail. i signed the final divorce papers on dec. 8th and it was finalized on the 13th. he cant get out of jail because no one will bail him out or sign for him. most know he will just use again and not check into a long term treatment.

 for now i am safe and there is peace. he has tried to call me several times. the first call i said no i will not bail you out. the second i accepted i got the info about the crack whores he lied about in oct. that he had, told him to quit bothering me then hung up.

so, that is the sad story of how i thought i met the man of my dreams and he turned into the man of my nightmares all within one year. met him july 11 2005 and he first used on july 9 2006 . as soon as he opened that door to the drug it taunted him until he gave in to frequent use in the end of sept to the end of nov.

 he fell fast and hard because i wouldnt let him stay at home or use the car. he lost his job and all his money ran out. he lost me to the divorce. hopefully he is thinking about what he needs to do to help himself, maybe he is thinking he cant wait to use. i'm just glad he's in jail during the holidays and our ex-anniversary.

when he gets out i need to be prepared for another scene at the house so keep me in your prayers, because according to past history that i have now found out he has used suicide attempts by trying to get a cop to shoot him. i dont want to deal with that. if he shows up i will need to call police then pray.

 hopefully he will just go on with his life and go to the 9 mo. program he has been given access to. it saddens me that this man once had a life, had been keeping himself clean and was a leader in helping others in both AA and prisons. i hope he gets back there for his sake. 

 thanks for reading my story i hope it helps someone. R claimed to have 10 years sobriety, my counselor told me they were considered recoverd after five. R's sponsor told me no it was six. so there was a lie too. also he told me something happened to him 3 years prior to our meeting but wouldnt tell me what.

maybe he only had four years sobriety. i didnt know what crack was or what it could do. i didnt know that was his drug of choice. he knew i was ignorant and naive to drug use. he wanted to get married fast. the warning signs were there but didnt know until i put it all together these past months.

 thank you everyone for all your support here at this site. i am much wiser now.


-----Original Message-----

 From: 

 Sent:

 To: 'steve@crackreality.com'

 Subject: Submit My Story

  Once again I find myself coming back to this site. I submitted my story on Oct. 20th, not knowing which direction my life was heading. "B" had just gotten out of jail in August and in October I wasn't sure whether or not I still wanted to be with him. He had stayed clean, his year of being clean was up on October 29th and I was so proud. I thought we had a chance. But here it is almost the first of December and I am not writing to update the saga and say that he is now back in rehab and in detox right as we speak. He had done so well when he first got out of jail, kept his job which was with the same company I'm working for, and everything was going pretty good. All of that fell apart about 3 weeks ago when he got on a different shift that I was on and met up with a new guy on his shift. They started hanging out together, he started riding with him to work, and his attitude started to change, going back to his old behavior. I knew he was using again. I didn't want to believe it, but all the signs were there again. So a week ago when I got off from work and got home at 3am and he wasn't home, I knew in my heart that he was out on the street in the city looking for crack. We live out in the country and it is a 30 minute ride to get to the city, but I knew he had talked someone into taking him there. He called me 2hrs later crying, begging me to come get him because it was cold outside and he was stranded and had no way home. I refused and told him I did not want him back at my house. He was whining and crying so I had to hang up on him and shut off the phones. I couldn't sleep. An hour later he comes home. Don't know who he manipulated into doing that, but he was there. We argued, and argued and I finally told him that he had 5 seconds to tell me the truth or I was going to dig up the truth myself and he knew I would,. I would find out if he lied about getting his last paycheck, about him lying to his mom that he needed $200 wired to him for bills, I would pull every cell phone number he had dialed or had received and I would call every number on there and find every dealer he had contact with, I would find out the truth to every lie he had told me and there would be h**l to pay. I told him for once in his life tell the truth, tell me I'm right, tell me my gut instincts didn't lie to me. He broke down and told me the truth, or most of it I guess. Even though in my heart and my gut I knew the truth, it still devastated me to know we were heading down that same road again. I felt so betrayed. We had been doing better, I was starting to let down that wall I had built up. He destroyed it all again. We have argued every day for the past few weeks and finally he has gotten into rehab. I doubt it will do any good this time, just like all the others. But he is out of my house finally. I know there will be days that I will feel guilty for kicking him out, and probably miss him, but I can't give in, not again. I have done this for 3years and that is enough for me. I feel for all of you, my friends, that are going through what I'm going through. I wish I could talk face to face with you all. I have no one here to talk to that has been through this. You all keep me going. We are a strong breed. We are survivors. I know I am. I relate to every story I have read here and it saddens me to know that the people we love who do this has chosen this tiny, evil little piece of rock over us. But we have to pick up the pieces and move on, no matter how hard that will be. I will be coming to this site more often, now that I have to go through this nightmare all over again. So please, let's keep each other encouraged and keep each other in our prayers. We will need them.


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 My name is S and I am the mother of a crackhead. I had a beautiful daughter and her name is Michelle. That person is now gone, and all because of crack. Today has been one of the worst days ever. I took today off from work and she has called my cell at least fifteen times and left the most vile messages in this world. I am at my wits end and wish she would disintegrate. For me to say these words is incredible. I have loved her all these years and stood by her when her dad and her brother dropped her long ago. I couldn't give her up. I thought I could save her. Today she called my seventy four year old mother and harrassed her on the phone all day as well as doing the same to me. She called my poor mother all kinds of names and harrassed her to the point of unbelief. I am used to her abuse but this is the first time she has started up on my elderly mother. She has made all of these threats to bring her friends over and kill us. I am really scared. I have read all I could find on the internet about a crack user. I now see that this person is not my daughter. She is someone else that is controlled by the devil himself. This has all been so hard on me, since I am a loving and long suffering person. I really thought that my love could save her.  I was wrong. I know that when she is dead I will suffer as never before, however how can this ever end any other way? She will not get any help at all. She abuses me one day and then the next she tells me she loves me. I am jerked around like a puppet. I can't take another day of this!!! God in heaven help me!!! What can I do here? I am not equipped to know how to handle this. I am sitting here in my own home with my three little bichon dogs and afraid to even leave and go to work. I am afraid she will come over here and bring her crack head friends and hurt my dogs. Someone please help me!!!

S


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story


THIS SITE IS AWESOME. I REALIZE THAT IM NOT ALONE. I AM 25 AND FOR THE MAJORITY OF MY LIFE, MY MOTHER HAS BEEN A CH. SHE RIGHT NOW IN HER TENTH OR SO COUNT OF REHAB. SHE HAS USED SO MUCH OF HER RESOURCES THAT I AM SCARED WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH HER. SHE WAS MARRIED TO MY STEPDAD FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS. HE AND I ARE VERY CLOSE. THEN, SHE DECIDED SHE DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH HIM AND HAD MET A MAN FROM CHURCH. SHE PROCLAIMED SHE WAS SOBER (WHICH I DIDNT BELEIVE HER) AND SHE LEFT MY STEPDAD TO MOVE IN AND MARRY THIS NEW LOVE OF HERS. SO AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS OF ONLY KNOWING EACH OTHER, THEY MARRIED. NOW A NEW WIFE, AND NEW MOM TO HER STEPSON....THEY BEGAN THEIR LIFE. SHE QUIT HER JOB TO TAKE CARE OF THE STEPSON. HER NEW HUSBAND BEGAN REALIZING WHAT SHE WAS ALL ABOUT. THE LIEING, STEALING, LATE NIGHTS, SECRETS.....IT WAS NO SUPRISE TO ME. I'VE DELT WITH IT MY ENTIRE LIFE ALMOST. I KNOW HER ROUTINE. HE FINALLY SAID ENOUGH AND MADE HER ENTER A REHAB AND IS NOW FILING FOR DIVORCE AFTER 4 MONTHS OF MARRIAGE. SHE HAS A SMALL FAMILY AND NOT A REALLY BIG SUPPORT GROUP. I AM RECENTLY MARRIED AND WE BOUGHT OUR FIRST HOME SEVERAL MONTHS AGO....AND I DONT WANT THAT LIFE STYLE AROUND ME ANYMORE. I LOVE MY MOTHER DEARLY AND SHE MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME.....BUT I CAN NOT LIVE MY LIFE FOR HER AND HER ADDICTION. IT IS A WHIRLWIND OF EMOTIONS. I FEEL I AM DEALING WITH THIS ALL BY MYSELF. MY HUSBAND DOESNT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE ISSUE OR WHAT TO SAY. MY STEPDAD REFUSES TO TAKE HER BACK (AND I TOTALLY SUPPORT HIM ON THAT DECISION) SO WHO IS LEFT? JUST MY GRANDPARENTS IN NEW MEXICO. I KNOW I CANT LET HER CONTINUE TO HURT ME, BUT I FEEL GUILTY AS IF I AM TURING MY BACK AGAINST HER. I TOLD HER I WOULD STORE HER STUFF IN STORAGE....BUT YESTERDAY MY HUSBAND QUIT HIS JOB.......TALK ABOUT STRESS!!!!! I WANT TO CRAWL IN MY BED AND SLEEP FOR SEVERAL DAYS. BUT, I KNOW I HAVE TO BE STRONG! I HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AND PUT MY BIG GIRL PANTIES ON!!
 


-----Original Message-----
From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

My story is so like all the rest.  I've never posted here before nor have I signed in at the forums.  I have sit silently and read all of the stories and conversations, cried silently over tragedy and clapped jubilantly over triumphs and prayed for all the children in these situations. I want to thank you, even though you don't know me, haven't heard about me ~ you have touched my life and helped me gain control back in my life - you all have supported me by allowing me to read your stories and experiences.

 I was married for 10 years and have 2 children (4 yrs and 2 yrs).  My ex is a crack cocaine addict.  I suspect he'd been using for much longer than he admits.  The day my second child was born, he left me in the delivery room and had to go home to get some sleep.  That was the turning point for me…….my curiousity, my need to find out what is going on, my determination led me down a deep horrible path of hell, lies, manipulation and so much heart ache.  1 year later, after accusing him of having an affair (dramatic weigh loss, money missing, not coming home at night) he admitted to crack cocaine use.  He immediately took a leave of absence from his well paying job, did some counselling and two months later I thought we were back on track.  NOT!  Within two weeks of returning to work all the patterns resurfaced.  I battled him, loved him, threatened him for the next year……………….nothing worked.  I asked him to move out the second time for good, I couldn't watch him slowing killing himself as he was hospitalized twice for heart problems as a result of his substance abuse.  When he moved out he moved in with a CW and hardly saw the kids.  I got into counselling and spent a couple of months licking my wounds and started to put my life together.  He eventually lost his job and now does cash work and pays little child support.  Today he claims to be clean and accordingly to him has been for 1 year.  Drugs or no drugs his behaviour never changed.  He stalked and harrassed me for a year that I felt so threatened and unsafe I filed a complaint against him with the local police.   Since then I have sold the house, purchased a new house and started a new chapter in my life.  This week I filed for divorce.  I will NEVER trust this man again - yes I still love him to pieces but can not be part of his life anymore.   For every act of kindness I gave him, my return for that good deed would be evil from him.

  There is no hope for us as a couple, I only have hope for him as a human.  He sees the children for about 6 hrs on most Sundays.  They love their daddyand don't understand.  He is not allowed in my new house and I'm better, stronger and moving on.  It's been such a horrible horrible experience and I now have this extensive knowledge about a drug that I never wanted to know about.  He actively participates in NA, (so he says) but sadly never completed any of his rehab programs.  He was either kicked out or he left saying he was clean and didn't need it.  He never sees the children overnight and doesn't ask to, if he ever does ask I'l be asking him to do a drug test.  He left me emotionally bankrupt - but my banks starting to fill back up again.

Thanks to this website I have been able to pick myself up from the floor again and again, dust myself off and face another day.  One day at a time.  I attendNA for family, I read this website, I go to counselling and I finally smile again.   I wake up in the morning and instead of saying "Good G*d, it's morning", I say "Good Morning G*d!"  The sun is brighter, I laugh louder, my heart is at peace and I sleep well!   I wish the same peace I have found to all of you who love or have loved addicts.

Finally at peace.........

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