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-----Original Message-----
From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

 I guess my story is no different than all the other heartbroken people who visit this website. I met "B" 3 years ago. He asked me out 5 times and I turned him down because I was going thru an divorce and I didn't want a relationship at that time. But I finally gave in and we went out to a nice Italian restaurant. We sat and talked for over 3 hours and we had so much in common. He was so cute, younger than I was and very much the "player". He told me he had been out of rehab for 6 months and I respected him for telling me. I had never been around drugs much since I'm from the country and the only thing I came in contact with was weed in high school. When he talked about going to rehab for drugs, I thought it was probably that. Little did I know it was crack, pills, cocaine, and weed. We talked that night and as we walked to the car, he lit up his sneek-a-toke and I was a little shocked, but didn't say anything, because I didn't think we would be seeing each other much due to his job sending him to another state in a few weeks. We saw each other on our same job for weeks, started spending lots of time together and soon moved in together...what a big mistake that was. It was all good at the beginning and I could deal with the weed, but eventually he found other druggies in our apartment complex that he could hang out with. I never knew the people living under me were involved with drugs. He started staying out all night, lost his job, got another, lost it...you all know the story. He started stealing my keys to my car and taking my car out while I was asleep to sell pills for the guy downstairs, to go get crack, and Lord only knows what else. It got worse. He started bringing it to the apartment, staying in the bathroom for hours, acting weird, not eating, etc. Now remember, I had never been around anyone who did those things so I was very naive. He started to steal my things, pawn them, people would show up at my door demanding to see him to get their money he owed them. Our lives fell apart. Then the violence started when I started saying no and hiding all my things, what little I had left. I slept with my keys attached to my clothes, locked my purse in my car, whatever I could do to keep from losing anymore. He pawned me TV, DVD player, CDs, jewelry, etc. Then we had a confrontation one Sunday when I told him he was not taking my car to "go cash his check". He pushed me and I pushed back. I had already come out of a violent marriage where I was pushed, slapped, cursed and I was determined I was not going to let another man do that to me. So when he shoved me, I shoved back and he fell into the kitchen table. Now, I'm short, only 5' and he is 6' 2" but when he fell into the table, I lost it. I had taken all I could take so I hit him and as I walked away, he tacked me and broke my ankle. Not believing it was broken, he hit my ankle with his fist and told me to get up. Eventually I convinced him to take me to the hospital. He dropped me off, left, went home and smoked some crack, came back picked me up and dropped me off at the apartment at the bottom of the stairs. I had already walked down 3 flights of stairs on a broken ankle to get to the car because he wouldn't help me and now there I stood on crutches that I had never been on before looking up at those stairs and crying and wondering how I was going to manage to get up there. He pulled off as soon as I got out of the car, went and smoked again and didn't come home for 12hrs. I kicked him out a day later, let him come back to get his things and he wouldn't leave, called the cops who said he didn't have to leave because all of his property was there. Thanks to the laws I couldn't get him out. They would come out and make him leave for the night but he always came back. When my ankle healed I was determined to get him out, so I took all his stuff to his parents house one night while he was out smoking and threw it on their carport and left. His mom contacted him and told him it was there, he had a friend to get it into the back of his pickup and came back to the apartment while I was at work, got the key from the office by lying and saying he had misplaced his and by the time I got home, he was moved back in. I continued to throw his stuff out the front door onto the balcony every time he'd leave, but that got to be exhausting. So, I decided I had had enough and I decided to move back to my home state. He promised to get help, begged me not to leave, and I believed he wanted help. So he got it and moved back with me. It all fell apart again. He wiped out my bank account, went on a 9 day binge and did everything imaginable to me, down to stealing our food and trading it and my clothes. I had him arrested for forging my name on my checks he had stolen and he went to jail for 10 months for 5 felonies. He just got out August 15th and he is back with me again. Some days I feel so stupid for letting him come back. He is on probation for the next 4years, and faces 10yrs in prison if he doesn't comply with the judges orders. He has been clean for almost a year, but all this has made me lose the love I had for him. He is doing better, helping me pay bills, now is very affectionate, and is almost everything I wanted my man to be, but I cannot find the love anymore. I don't know whether to hang on. He is in counseling 3 times a week but I am so afraid to let my guard down, that he will do the same thing to me again. He has done some horrible things to me, almost choking me to death when I tried to stop him from getting crack brought to the house, slashed my tires when a friend bailed him out when he was arrested for assault, too much to mention. I don't know what direction to go in. I read here where you all say that they never change. Do I not give him the chance to prove that to me, do I kick him out even tho he hasn't done drugs in almost a year, why do I not feel that love anymore. I am so miserable, that my friends at work are seeing the change in me. I'm not the happy, cheerful, fun-loving person I was a few months ago before he got out. I can't sleep, don't eat well, and am depressed. Will I ever be happy again? If I force him out because of fears, will my conscience bother me for the rest of my life. Someone please tell me it gets better???????????


-----Original Message-----
From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I know my story will help encourage others as this website has encouraged me to move from hell to a real life that I deserve! Here's my story: John and I were highschool and after highschool sweethearts! We came together after 15 years when he returned to our hometown. Little did I know that crack addiction wasn't a thing of his past but his current lifestyle.Because John was a binge addict-meaning he would stay clean for four months at a time ect., I believed he was really trying to beat crack. I also believed because he never stole from me, paid bills, worked very hard and steady that each time he came home after a suicidal text or voicemail-things would be different. It wasn't until binge number eight-that's right binge number eight that I had got fed up! After we had attended co-dependency classes at our church, I decided to dig deeper. I continued to work a co-dependency program and discovered that I wanted something for John that he didn't want for himself! The binges continued and as I write he is currently out  binging! Three months ago, I gave him back the responsibility of his sick and poor choices. I decided to make him move out of my house only to find that the law was on his side. In my state, because He has lived in my house for more than 6 months I have to evict him.I filed the papers and I have to wait until we go to court! John doesn't blame me anymore openly for his choices to use because I don't accept them anymore. This includes no more covering up for missed days at work, no more catering to his needs, no more nursing of his health, no sympathy or social activites-I don't even wake him up for work! I basically don't share anything not even my bed! Co-dependency feeds the crack addict and I realized and accepted the fact John can't love me in a relationship because he doesn't love himself! The only reason why he doesn't steal from me is because he has no access to my money or plastic. He also knows that I am not afraid to put him in jail. I don't bail him out and I told him anytime he is in need , he'd better call his crack family and negative associations. I use wisdom but I am not afraid because I have tremendous support.I believe he won't come back to stay this time because there is no more enabling or sympathetic words. I'm not cruel but he knows he's dealing with a confident persistent personality.If anyone believes that crack addicts are retarded you are being deceived! They are the most manipulating beings on this earth. Unfortunately, John believes he is the exception to any rule of sobriety meaning he can associate with any and everyone who abuses alcohol and drugs. Well, it hasn't worked for him yet! As for me-I am on my way to enjoying my freedom and peace of mind without a crack addict. Do I love him? Of course! However love ain't got nothing to do with it! Right now and never will I be able to compete with the love of his life which is crack cocaine.I finally love myself more by the minute.I thank God that I only wasted a year. Lastly, if you really love someone who is addicted to crack you will leave them and love them from afar.When they tell you they will kill themselves because you are done walk away because it is their own choice to end their life not because you chose not to live on with chaos. I will send a triumphed update soon. R


From: 
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Two years ago I thought I met the most charming, intelligent and loving man I had ever met.  He was better looking than any man I had ever dated, too.  I thought I had landed the total package.  Little did I know what was lurking under all the pretty wrapping.

My first mistake was not finding out about what Crack Cocaine is and what it can do to people right away because he told me up front on our first date that he was in "recovery" from crack.  I didn't know what crack was but I didn't really worry about it because he said it was not an issue for him anymore.  I believed him.  I found out later that he had lied about his so called "recovery."  He said he had 6 months clean and he only had 2.  Of course, now I know that neither of those amounts of time means anything in the life of a crack addict.  But the fact that he lied to me on our first date says a lot about our relationship that was to come.  Our relationship was nothing but lies from that point on.

We fell in love immediately, of course.  I fell in love with his charm and his "innocence" and I was so impressed by his seeming devotion to God and biblical knowledge.  This was all part of his manipulation, his seduction of me.  He fell iin love with the fact that I would buy whatever he told me without any questions, that I trusted and believed him.  He said so many people had given up on him and I thought "How sad."  I thought I could be the one who would not give up on him and that is what I have tried to do for 2 years, not give up on him.  In the process, however, I gave up on myself.  I started selling my soul.

We moved in together shortly after we started dating.  That is when I found out that he was still married to his 3rd wife.  Ouch.  Did I leave?  No.  Guess what I did?  I felt sorry for him and paid for his divorce.  I sold a small piece of my soul.

Our first Thanksgiving and Christmas together was spent in isolation because he didn't want to be around people who knew the truth.  He was probably scared that they would tell me something, but he said he didn't want to be with them because they were so cruel to him.  Guess what?  I believed him and isolated myself, too.  I sold a little more of my soul.

Shortly after the holidays, he started prospecting with an outlaw motorcycle gang... riding the motorcycle that I had financed for him.  So yes, it was in my name while he was out doing all of the illegal things that these gangs do.  Strip clubs, prostitutes, she-males, excessive drinking, drug use, violence, cruelty and stupidity... all a part of the gang lifestyle.  Again, I had no idea what people in motorcycle gangs do.  I chose to believe it when CH told me that most of the guys were decent and of course HE never did any of those things.  I sold a little more of my soul.

He convinced me to try hanging out with the "wives" of these gang members.  I tried it for awhile.  I thought, "How stupid are all of these women to not know their husbands are cheating on them?"  I never asked myself, "How stupid am I?"  I sold a little more of my soul.

By now I have left CH about 3 times.  Each time, he cried and promised to change.  Remember I thought I could be the one who would never give up on him.  Guess what I did?  I took him back each time.  I sold a little more of my soul.

I had a major surgery that required a stay in the hospital.  CH was so supportive of me during that time that he came to visit me each night and start a fight.  I was on some heavy pain killers so I don't even remember what it was about, but I know now that it was about looking for a reason to go use.  Whenever we had a fight it was a reason to use and an easy way to point the finger at me.  "Well, you were mad at me.  What was I supposed to do?"

He quit the motorcycle gang eventually because it was their fault he couldn't stay clean.  When he quit the gang, I thought maybe he was serious about staying clean.  I had hope... and I was pregnant.  Guess what I did?  I married him.  I sold a huge piece of my soul.

He always manages to stay clean for a little while.  It never lasts.

When the new baby came, it was just too much stress being a new dad... so he used.  Not that he did a dang thing to help with the baby.  He was no help at all.  I was totally on my own. 

The baby was 2 months old when I said I had had enough.  He had thrown my life into chaos for the last time.  He knew I was done and he moved out... first he threatened to kill himself, then he decided he wanted to live "because he loves me so much."  Ha ha ha.  He was gone for 4 months.  He lived in a halfway house.  I started to live a daily peaceful existence.  I wish I had known the "no involvement" rule at that time.  I kept talking to him and letting him charm me and convince me of how he had changed, how much he loved me and the baby.  During the entire 4 months that he was gone he never asked to see the baby once.

Things were going well.  I thought he was working his program.  I know now that he wasn't.  In fact, I knew it at the time but I chose to be in denial because I wanted so much for the fantasy to continue.  Why couldn't he just be the clean and sober man I wanted him to be?  That's the man I was in love with, but he doesn't really exist.  I spent two years in love with a figment of my imagination.

He showed up at my door and said he had been asked to leave the halfway house.  I know in the back of my mind that means he was using again, but I ask him why.  He said something about how nobody likes him there and they call him names.  I know in my head that I should tell him "NO.  GO AWAY.  IT"S YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE"  But I say "okay, You can stay."  I sold another large chunk of my soul.

Guess what he did?  He moved in and started using again.  Guess what I did?  I kicked him out.  Guess when he is going to move back in with me?  NEVER.  How am I certain?  I have learned the "NO INVOLVEMENT" rule and I am using it.

I kept choosing to sell my soul.  I sold little pieces and I sold big ones.  Some I gave freely, others I bartered with.  What was I trying to accomplish?  I was trying to fulfill my fantasy.  The fantasy where I get to be the great love of his life, so great in fact that he would stop using crack and love me until the end of time for my undying devotion to him.  He would see through my great sacrifice that he could live life without crack.  I wanted to be his savior.  I wanted to be what he needed.  I wanted to be his drug of choice.  I wanted to be what made him high and I was willing to sell myself in the process.

I see my own sickness now.  I am walking away from it.  I am buying myself back each day a little at a time.  Soon I will be whole again.  Freedom is mine in the making.  I believe this website is a gift from God and I intend to use it to help myself heal.  Thank you, Steve for your willingness to reach out and help others help themselves.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: My Story

      The father of my two children, ages five and four months, is a man with a long history of cocaine addiction, and has probably moved on to crack. This past year has been the biggest battle of my life. So much has happened! He has seen both children less than forty times, and spent, on a ballpark estimate, around five hundred dollars total on them in their entire lives. He has fed the baby a bottle, and read stories to my five year old a few times. He has never given a bath, changed a diaper, prepared a meal, or driven either of them to a school event or doctor's appointment. His bizarre behaviors are so many that I can't name them all here, but will list a few noteables;

- Attempted to buy some farmland with a spring, so that he could bottle water, sell it, and form a commune which he would be the leader of. He wanted to "create a new branch of society, because the world is so screwed up. I know I could fix it." (during a period of time in which he was in his second 3 quarter house, and incapable of buying a bag of diapers) 

_ Relapsed, then his mother called, stating that he had sold his company vehicle and laptop to his dealer. She then called a few months later, apologizing for "misleading" me, that the vehicle and laptop were *really* stolen, and couldn't I please forgive her son just this one time, he's doing so well, he really isn't using right now! 

_ Told me one of his 3 quarter house managers had kicked him out because "I found a bag of something in the ceiling, and I wondered what it was, so I stuck my finger in it, and licked my finger, so they kicked me out for using!"  

He maintains a job, but pays no child support because "the state told me not to help you because that would just be double paying you, plus I would owe interest." (Our child support case is pending) He is probably the most self centered, arrogant person I have ever met, and very intelligent and charming. He is contemptuous and dismissive of me, calls me "crazy" and "vapid", and "moron". 

He regularly attends NA meetings, and is a convincing, charismatic speaker. People just can't believe what a cruel person I am for "withholding visitation" (Right now, he has no visitation orders, so I demand a clean drug screen with each visit, which he can have weekly, and the visits are supervised. He does this erratically, and uses the visits to harass and intimidate me) Now, he is suing me for physical and legal custody of both children. I firmly believe he really doesn't care for my children, or is so out of touch with his soul that he can't. At any rate, I can't protect my children,and take care of him at the same time. The hearing is next week. This year, I had my son with the help of my family. This man threatened me, harassed me, and was relentless. I walked around thinking I was crazy. All I could think about was the potential threat of him taking away my children, or hurting them with his dangerous lifestyle. I felt constantly cold, nauseous, my heart raced, I felt dizzy, and detached. I forced myself to eat, and had trouble digesting any solid food. I stayed awake manynights, worrying about everything I do *wrong*. I realized I was codependent. I realized I was grieving. I no longer communicate with him unless I have to. He claims he is clean and sober, but I don't see the humility, willingness to help, and care and concern for others that is a hallmark of a recovering person.

     I pray every day for God to light up the path He wants me to take. I pray to have my anxiety and fear lifted from me, because its too heavy of a burden. I pray for my children to be protected. I work the 12 steps. I take care of body and my spirit. I talk to friends. I have fun. I don't rise to his bait. It's still so hard to hear his voice on my answering machine, my heart still races and I get dizzy. I am anxious about this upcoming hearing. But I feel the presence of God in my life. I see the miracles and messages God sends. Thank you for your site. Its nice to read other people's experiences, and know that I'm not *crazy* 


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 It’s strange to read the postings a year later; I wrote in and the stories that are written now are the same that I wrote in more than a  year ago, different locations, different names, but all the same destruction.  My CH, is still actively using and living in a garage with his new ch wife.  It’s amazing the details of the stories are so similar;  I am a believer that no one will change unless they want to.  My CH has lost all his possessions and does not support his children emotionally or financially, the destruction that still lingers on today all caused by drugs.  Drugs are very powerful and they do destroy lifes, families, dreams, it’s been a rollercoaster of a ride these last ten years and after four years out of the marriage the damage is still painful.  I pray that one day the pain won’t be so great, it’s hard watching a person you’ve loved destroy themselves and treat people that have loved them with no respect or love,  I pray for all the families out there and mostly for the children affected by their parent’s addiction.  I have watched my children’s faces and seen the sadness and disappointment in their faces caused by their father’s addiction.  It’s a horrible thing that happens to families and I pray for each one of us that healing will be begin in our minds and our hearts.  That we may be able to put this behind and move one foot in front of the other.  God Bless all of us!!!!


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I have a son 40 years old and he is on crack cocaine. I have begged him to go for help but he said that he does not need it. He has hit rock bottom more then once.

He lost his first home and moved started to steal and went to prison for 3 years this was back in 1999 then he came back home and started to use off and on.

He got married for the second time and that lasted one year and then he got divorced all do to cocaine oh yes his first wife used along with him.

He has 3 boys and that is a shame He has the 2 older boys living with him now and after fighting for them we all believed his life would change as he spented $25000.00 to get them.

last year he ended up in the hospital 2 times and the last time he almost didn't make it he was in ICU for 5 days and no sooner got out used again as he said to see if it would kill him.

Now this year he lost his house as he never paid the payment and he pays no bills.

I'm sick of it as I have putted up with this for 20 years off and on I don't sleep as I'm always worried about him.

He can't hold a job and it is a shame as he is a carpenter and he is one that knows it all anyone he does work for said he is the best worker that they ever seen.

I don't know what to do which way to turn.

I'm getting older and my life should be happy but is not because of him I feel like sometimes that I'm going to burst apart.

I can go on and on but I will end it now.

What can I do?

Thank You

L


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Hello.

 I am glad I found this site because the only people who would truly believe me are the ones who have submitted stories and read the stories on this site.  My sister and my stepfather are CHs.  My mother is a former CH, although I think she uses every now and then - I think (we don't live in the same city).  Anyway, I am frustrated because my stepfather will be coming home for good next year in April from a half-way house that he has been in for the last year.  Of course he has made my mother all kinds of promises and I just can't help but believe they will all be broken shortly after coming home.  You see, the entire time he has been in the home, my mother has kept her job, purchased a car and is actually looking to BUY a home.  All of this she achieved while he was locked away.  This is nothing new, they have been going through this all my life that I can remember...my mother is 52 and he is 55.  I know that she loves him, but he has shown her over and over that he don't love her at least not as much as he loves crack.  Right now things are good for my mother, but I will write again in April when I am sure ALL HELL IS GOING TO BREAK LOOSE!

 Now, my sister.  My sister has been on drugs for the past 10 or so years.  At one point it was so bad, she lost two of her children to their father and she still has not gained custody of them.  In this time, she cleaned up and got pregnant again.  My youngest nephew is now 8 years old and he and my oldest nephew (15) - both her kids are being abused by her because she is using again.  I have learned that she does not want any help from me and I feel if she did it before she can do it again.  I just wish she would talk to me to let me know what caused her to turn back to this life again.

 Of course, this story sounds like there are a lot of holes and there is - I just wanted to write to vent to say that I truly love my sister and want to help her anyway I can and God knows I want my nephews out of there, but I am powerless.  As for my stepfather, God help me because I truly hate him, have no faith in him whatsoever and I am highly pissed at my mother for even allowing him back in her life because he is only going to bring her down and they are both going to be back on CRACK!

 Thanks for listening!


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: thank you

it has been a little over a year since i found your web site and it changed my life.  for the first few months i was there every day.  now i am embarrassed to admit i havent been there in 5 months.  i have my life back after 5 years with a crack head husband.  thank you and all of the wonderful people that cared so much about me and my life.  it amazes me that i was in hell and made it out.  i dont hate him,  i dont love him,  i just dont care.  AND that feels so good.  never, never  did i think i could ever get my life back before i came across you site.  Thank you, all of you.   D
 


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

Here's my story . . . I write it in hopes of furthering my healing process and breaking away and finally letting go of my CHH I've been with since I was 18 years old (and he 21) (I'm now 31).  I knew from the beginning that he came from a very broken home (and myself from the complete opposite), but nonetheless he was smart, attentive to my needs, made me feel special, would do just about anything for me and loved me like crazy.  We dated for a year and at 19 years of age he bought an engagement ring as he serious thought about enlisting in the Marines.  One of my girlfriends decided to tell me about the ring and I promptly admitted to him that at 19 I was not ready to get married, especially in light of the fact that he was seriously thinking about joining the military. 

 
After 6 years of dating, during which he would pull the disappearing act so that he could hang out with his friends.  I really didn't care if he went and hung out with his friends, my problems stemmed from him being unable to actually tell me he was going to hang out, but instead just disappeared.  I always thought how rude could he be to actually just disappear and ignore me.  (Yeah, this should have actually been a big red flag saying move on, this guy doesn't care about you the way you really think).  He would generally disappear, wouldn't answer his beeper or cell phone.  The vicious cycle would then be that I would confront him the next day, yell and scream my head off and of course he would apologize and make light of the situation, I would cool down eventually and thing would return to normal.  Then 2 months later, we'd perform the same dance again.  Well this went for a while (longer than I would like to admit) and when I was finally done with his BS and finally ready to break up with him, I found out I was pregnant, which led to making up again.  At this point, he had just purchased a home and I was still living with my parents but basically sleeping over his house every day.  It was at this time that he met one of his new neighbors next door, Kevin, and started hanging out with him, whom I later found out was addicted to Vicodin (for his back problems) and smoked pot.
 
I gave birth to our son in 1999 and although my father suggested that we get married, I felt I was still not ready to get married.  He would disappear less frequently, but then started hanging out with the neighbor more frequently, but since he was only nextdoor, it didn't both me as much.  Although we smoked pot together prior to the arrival of the baby, once the baby arrived, I was annoyed that he would spend extra money on getting his pot for the week and that it seemed to take up his family time searching for someone to buy it from.  At this point, he was doing a lot to fix up the house, but he always seemed to start a project and was slow to finish it. It was as if the pot was slowly making him less ambitious, more forgetful and his priority was pot, not what needed to be finished in the house.  Extra money that should have gone to home improvements went to his pot fund. 
 
Eventually, when the baby was about 2 years old (2001) I was sick and tired of living with the house a wreck, he was hanging out with the neighbor way too much and I had had all the BS I could take (for the millionth time) and decided to take my son and move back to my mom.  Well, he cried and begged me to come back, he promised to get the house fixed up, promised to slow down his pot smoking and be more fatherly to his son.  He then started saving money for an engagement ring, concentrating on working on the house and budgeting his money closely.  Things he should have been doing all along (I know red flags should be waving right here).  I stayed at my parents’ house for 1 1/2 years until he showed me he was becoming more responsible, purchased an engagement ring and was getting the house more to my liking (not under construction).  Then, suddenly my father advised that my brother and his girlfriend were going to move into my parents’ home also and suddenly, living with my son’s father was better than sharing space with my brother and his girlfriend, so I moved back to my CHbf’s house with our son.  Everything seemed to be going well, he proposed to me in 2003 and we made plans to get married in Jamaica in May 2004.  A few months before the wedding it seemed like he was acting strange, not working very often (he was self-employed floor layer), hanging out with the neighbor way too much again, drinking a few beers every night (I just couldn’t tolerate for our son to see this) and some of my jewelry seemed to have disappeared.  I asked him if he had seen my jewelry and he of course he said he didn’t.  Then about a week later it appeared out of nowhere and he said he found it under the radiator (????).  Then approximately a month before the wedding money mysterious disappeared from personal checking account and that became my next mystery to solve.   Although strange things kept occurring nonetheless we went to Jamaica and got married.  He was a miserable bastard the whole time and he claimed that it was because we had taken my parents and his mother with us on our trip to get married and that we couldn’t have alone time.  In any event there were a few times before the wedding that I was actually questioning whether I was doing the right thing by getting married.  Then I kept thinking about how we had been together 11 years, had a 5 year son and it was now or never. 
 
The day after we returned home from getting married, my parent threw us a surprise party for family and friends.  About two days later we opened up a joint checking account (the first time we ever merged any of our money together; I always kept my own checking account separate) and deposited $2,500 from the cash gifts we received.  With one or two days he withdrew $140 from the joint account.  At this time he was out of work and didn’t seem to be looking for work.  He later confessed that he had gone to a strip bar and thought he deserved a trip to the strip bar cause he didn’t go prior to the wedding.  Of course this was a lie and he most likely got $140 worth of crack and smoked it up while I was working.  For another month he acted strange, was staying up late at night, not looking for work and I was slowly having a meltdown because it was like once we got married he became the biggest a$$hole ever and a broke one at that.  I paid the mortgage with the cash we received for our wedding and everything seemed to be falling apart.  I would leave the house in the morning, bring my son to day care, drive to work and then notice money was missing from my wallet.  I would call him and he’d act like I was the crazy one and that I must not have had money in my wallet. 
 
Still, all along naïve to what the heck could be going on behind my back until the fateful day in September 2004 (less than 3 months after getting married).  It was either the Sunday before Labor Day or Labor Day and the idiot was sleeping in late (cause he was probably cracking it up all night unbeknownst to me) so I decided to go out to his truck and snoop around.  Well I hit the jackpot:  1) crack pipe which was hidden in a cigarette pack; and 2) a receipt for jewelry of mine he had pawned.  That was it!!!  I went directly upstairs and freaked out on him.  He, of course, denied it was a crack pipe, but stated he smoke pot out of it.  But I consulted with other people who knew what a crack pipe looked like and sure as heck it was.  I then began packing my belongings and my son’s stuff. 
 
Well, we almost lost the house because once I moved back to my parents, he never worked again and it became a crackhouse.  The first time he went to jail, I finally got the crackheads that were living in my house out and sold the house.  We each received $40,000 from the sale of the home and when he got out of jail he smoked up the $40,000 in less than 5 months and was trying to get into selling crack, but of course that never turned a profit. 
 
In or around March of this year I found this site and I’m so thankful I did when I did.  Although we’ve been separated for 2 years, I was still finding it hard to start the divorce proceedings.  I had contact with him whenever he felt like calling and it was emotionally draining.  So on the advice to other posters on this site I finally changed my cell phone number and started no contact.  I had inner peace immediately and I ordered Steve’s book.  It was after I read that book that everything seemed to turn around for me.  I had to get healthy before I had an emotional breakdown.
 
Well, as of now the idiot CH is sitting in jail waiting to be sentenced on 2 felonies and 1 misdemeanor.  I am doing very well, served him in jail with divorce papers that include the request for sole custody of our son and that if visitation is ordered it be supervised.  Once in jail he started sending letters to myself and my son and I did read a few (curiosity was killing me), but it was the same old crap.  So, again on the no nonsense advice I received on Crack Reality, I have been returning the letter to him unopened.  Wow, how empowering it has been to actually not give a damn what the letters say, especially to his son.  He totally missed kindergarten and 1st grade for my son and now he wants to be able to communicate like he’s father of the year and once he’s released from jail he’ll be back to his old crack ways.  I’m not going for it and I don’t care if the CH hates me. 
 
Thank you Steve and thank you to all the posters here on Crack Reality.  I have read and re-read everything here and it gives me strength to go on and live my life regardless of what the CH is doing.  Although I’ll never know when he started smoking crack, I do know I’m finally done with him and I’ve hit my bottom and life is looking up from here. J
 

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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I'm J's mother and have already told most of his story.  Since he left home, he decided it would be all right to return to the scene of his crime. He first showed up at his daughter's home, where the great-grandmother refused to let him in and told him there were warrants out for his arrest. (He had already called her from out of state begging money to come home to see his daughter).  He left her house and called me the next morning.  When I picked up the phone, he started with "there are no warrants outstanding for me"...not hello, how are you, but immediately into the warrant issue.  I did not mince words telling him exactly how I felt, to leave me alone until he was clean and straight for at least a year, and that if he came to my home he would be arrested for trespassing.  He did not call again.  He did e-mail me a week later, a "pity me" message about how one thousand apologies could not change what he did, how he missed me and our home and loved me, and would probably be dead soon.  I took the advice on this site and told him to read it himself and get some help before he contacted me again.  I have had no word, but I do not worry anymore.  His life is in his own hands.  Too many people have and are praying for his safety and soul; only he can make the difference.  I thank all of you on this site every day for the education I've received on addicts.  I was blind for a long, long time.

L


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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit my story

 Hello all,

     I have posted here before and want to do so again to continue with my story and vent some frustrations...If this site is anything other than educational I would cal it theraputic!

     I have a 24 year old daughter that got involved with a "seasoned" crackhead, a real pro thats for sure! In this, less than a years time, she has lived in her car, stolen from her family, burglarized houses, stolen from stores, barrowed money from anyone who will give it (and NEVER pays it back) disappeared from places to who knows where. She has CONTINUOUSLY lied to our faces and has become a person we cannot recognize as our daughter. She has lost her car, gone to jail, lost her job and as of now, has not worked for over a month but is living in some crackshack in ONE of Houston's major crack and slum areas. She makes late night panic calls (high) to other people in the family and still mooches off of anyone who will let her, even if it is just for a place to lay her head when her world falls apart (which happens pretty regular in these peoples lifestyle).

     I am fortunate I guess (said very softly here). I have dealt with crackheads most of my adult life in one fashion or another (professionally). I know how the operate, I know their tricks, I know how they manipulate...I swear, they are ALL the same. They re-act and act the same as every other crackhead. If there were a textbook on what crackheads do or how they live their life, I could check off as I go when dealing with her(as well as any other crackhead).

     Having this knowledge is a blessing, as well as a curse. It is a blessing because I know how to protect myself (which is the ABSOLUTE MOST important thing when dealing with addicts), it is a curse because all of the people that I care for in my life DON'T have this knowledge and cannot understand when I tell them that they have to cut all bonds with her until SHE decides to get sober. Its funny how we as humans seem to have to have the "experience" before really "getting it" (ie...when did we all realize the stove was actually hot and we could get burned??)

     Anyway, here I am, alone, distressed, pissed, hurt, HELPLESS!! I feel as though I am helpless because I cannot get those around my daughter to really see what they are getting ready to put themselves through in dealing with her.

PEOPLE......GET THIS!!!!!! CRACKHEADS DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU WHILE THEY ARE CRACKHEADS!!!!

No matter what you do or what you say...No matter the actions you take or don't take...Until THEY are ready for their life to change, NOTHING in their life will change! Go do what ever it is your heart tells you to do...do it NOW and get it over with. Don't hesitate, don't stall...If everyone is telling you opposite of what it is you are wanting to do, then go do whatever it is you want to do and give those closest to you a break. Good luck to all of you...hell, good luck to me and mine! Its sad how one person, living out of integrity and in the darkness of addiction can effect so many other people in the world. Selfish ass people man...SELFISH!!

     For all of you out there battling life with a loved one addicted to this, remember, the most important thing in all of this is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! If you don't, no one else will. I know this is a difficult thing to grasp but as long as your life, your heart is miserable, then you are not taking care of yourself. DO NOT let the actions of the addict in your life control the current life you are living...All you do is give the addict more power when this happens. They will see this and manipulate you so that it will benefit them.

     They are sneaky and MUCH better at this game than you are. You can spend 5 hours a day reading about how this life of addiction works, hell you can read for 18 hours a day about it, until you are LIVING this life 24/7 then you are not equipped with what the people who do live it 24/7 know or how they operate. Its like trying to beat the super bowl champs with a high school football team...You don't have the experience or the knowledge to play this game with them!! GOOD LUCK!!

Peace.........Brad(4)

 BE all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.

- John Wesley            


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit my Story

 Sorry for the long story but I am still trying to work this out and maybe this will help me.

Last Tuesday night, I looked into the eyes of the man that I have loved for the last 18 years and I did not recognize the person looking back at me.

I wore his ring for years but did not marry him or move in with him because he was a pothead and could not hold a job and I did not want to support him.  .

15 years ago, I had returned from a family vacation and he picked me up and said we needed to talk.  He told me how he had started smoking crack while I was gone and he was afraid because he could not stop.  He did quit,,,,,for awhile. I've never known an addict.  I did not know it was for life.

Four years later, I thought he was cheating on me.  I found his car in the parking lot of the projects down the road from my work.  I waited for him to come out until the sun came up.  He sent people out to ask if I was okay, to tell me to go home.  I refused to leave until he came out.  He quit again...........

Fast forward so many years I cannot recall.  Many years of laughter and love.  He never stole from me or fought with me or treated me like the stories I have read here tonight. That is why never realized how huge his problem was.

One night, he cannot be found.  He got arrested.  He was buying drugs, supposedly for his neighbor who hurt his leg and could not get out. I believed it. He went to jail. His Grandfather died while he was in there.  My mom and I somehow convinced the judge to let him attend the funeral.  To this day, no one understands how we talked the judge into it.

 He cleaned up his act and kept his long 7 year job, was making great money and was up for a promotion.  He lost it all because he refused to take a drug test.

Fast forward a few more years to 2002.  I am so busy working all the time.  My dad passed away, then 2004 my mom passed away.  He is starting to spend so much time away from me.  He doesn't want to catch my colds, he knows I am tired and I need to rest, he's getting up early to see about a job and I worked  all night.  I am so wrapped up in my depression that I am clueless.  Clueless to realize how much weight he has lost, how he is always asleep when I call in the middle of the day, the sores on his face that he says was a zit.

Last year, his daughter and her boyfriend move in with him. (His grandmother's house).  He starts to avoid me more.  He has to stay home because his daughter and her boyfriend are fighting alot.  He makes her boyfriend move out and needs to stay home with her more because she is pregnant/lonely/frightend.  Since she moved in they start using up all the minutes in our cell phone plan each month.  More and more calls.  They are her friends.  This girl is about to have a baby in two weeks and looks about 3 months pregnant.  Who started who.  Probably both, but he had new connections now and he started going down fast.  Our sex life stops, he never wants to come over and be with me, spend time with me anymore. I keep asking him, is there someone else?  Do you want to break up?  He says no, that he loves me.  I am still so stupid.

So, the week before last.  I came home from a family trip ( How ironic that it was the same place I went that fateful 15 years ago.)

Monday night his daughter is talking to me on the phone and then starts crying and tells him I am yelling at her in the middle of a conversation about her ex boyfriends dog.  He gets on the phone and screams at me for making her cry. He knows me better than that.  Once he would never have acted that way.  I knew something was terribly wrong with us.  With him.  I kept asking him if we needed to end our relationship.  Kept pushing him for an answer.  I finally asked someone who would know and tell me the truth if it was another woman and and was told it was crack and meth.

He says we'll talk later.  I go to his house after work the next day, he has a laptop computer he "got" for me. (I did not take it, I know where these things come from now, He gave me another diamond ring 3 weeks ago.)  He has to go help someone who's car broke down and says we'll talk later.  I went home and waited for his call until finally around 11 pm, I just went over to his house.  I pull in the driveway and his daughter peeks out the window and then my cell phone rings. He says he does not want to talk to me.  He is tired of me accusing him all the time and checking the cell calls on the bill and checking up on him. I told him to come down and talk or I would turn the numbers over to the police.  He came and answered the door with a knife because he thought I had brought someone to beat him up.  He kept thinking I was looking behind him and asked me what I was looking at.  I have never seen him like this. I totally ruined his buzz I guess.  I lied and told him I sent in a sample of his hair to be tested and he only got angry and still would not admit it.  He says he only handles it and that was how it got there.  He says he knows if he does it that he is done for. He kept telling me to call him tomorrow but I was not going to give up,  I don't give up easily....He tells me we are done.  He says it is because I don't lose the weight I gained, because I am accusing him, because he is last on this imaginary list he's made of my priorities, because he doesn't know if he loves me anymore, because I won't go home and talk to him tomorrow!  I take his cellphone and sit on his porch crying.  I look into his eyes and do not even recognize him. He went into the house and locked me out on the porch and sent his daughter to borrow a neighbors cellphone so he can tell everyone not to call his number anymore.  I sat on the porch for 4 hours and he would not come out.

I brought him his things from my house the next day and he was the same way.  He refuses to speak with me.  I talked to a couple of people.  I am so stupid, I still thought he was seeing someone else and he probably did the very next day.  I found out that he is so far gone. I know he is because the man I loved would have never done drugs with his pregnant daughter. It SICKENS me. I never knew, I never saw.  I did not understand what addiction truly meant.  He was always so strong to me. I am sick and dying inside.  I have not slept and have thrown up everything I have ate since then. I found this site because I was looking for an answer to understand how he could cut me out of his life after 18 years in one 15 minute encounter.  I cannot understand.  I know that he loves me and I love him but I see now that we will never have the plans we made, the dreams we talked about or the lives we wanted. I wasted 18 years of my life chasing a fantasy. I can never trust him again and the pain of losing him has got to be less than the pain of watching him die. We are both 40 years old, he looks 60.  A friend told me that maybe he cut me out because he does not want to drag me to the point where he is using/stealing from me or to keep me safe from that sordid world he now dwells in.  I hope that is true.  I hope that somewhere inside him he still loves me that much to want to protect me.  I hope that some nobility and honor that he used to posess still lingers somewhere inside him.  In the meantime, my family watches and suffers as I am dying inside. I play the song Scars by Papa Roach and cry myself to sleep.


-----Original Message-----
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

 Growing up in a bad situation did not seem to have any affect on the outcome of my siblings lives.

My older brother was a child molester, gay and ended up married (sounds like a Jerry Springer show) a daily pot smoker and has been estranged from the family for years.

My brother David whom passed away from a life of drug addiction on Jan 1st of this year, hepatitis C. He never once got his life together, a perpetual liar and thief. His drugs of choice; PCP and heroin, but he tried and abused just about all that was available. He left behind three children, one wife and many unanswered questions.

My twin sister fled from Md in December to my home with three kids in tow. We believed she was about to lose her home and was escaping an extremely phyisical and emotional relationship of 10 years.

She came here with not much of anything and in two weeks had medicare, doctors appointments, job interviews, food stamps, money to set up housekeeping on her own (eventually), our spare car, clothes, etc. The kids, unruly and undisciplined, struggled in school but seemed to generally fall into a good routine and relax and smile more often. All three kids suffer from learning disabilities and did and will always struggle in school.

It was a stressful time but we were all managing. The death of my brother threw us all through a loop but not so shocking considering he had been in the hospital more times than not in the year and a half before his death.

A week after his death my sister and I were talking in the kitchen and she had a confession. You could of probably scraped my chin off the floor from the shock of her news. She and her boyfriend had been crack addicts for over 5 years.

Finally all the pieces clicked, why they were losing everything, why they were getting more and more aggressive, why she looked so bad, why she left her home of 15 years. Boy did I feel stupid. I kept that secret for a week, promising not to tell anyone but I grew more and more angry with every call from the boyfriend knowing she didn't leave him for the reasons we thought and all the while we were helping her she had planned on him moving on in.

Fast forward a few weeks, I cracked, demanding she seek drug therapy. We fought terribly and she packed the kids in the car and back to MD she went. I was sick but nothing I said made a difference and she left to prove me wrong; wrong about the drug problem, the boyfriend, wrong about the physical and mental abuse. I was now the reason she lost everything; her house, friends, van, money, job, etc. Everything out of her mouth is a lie, how I never put two and two together is beyond me.

It has been six months. I just returned from a visit to MD. She is still a crack head, still living in lala land, still trying to prove me wrong. She works three jobs, he works two but they can't seem to pay the rent. They both, especially her, are becoming more and more aggressive and abusive to the children. She is deteriorating rapidly and about to be evicted from the roach infested hell hole they live in and have no money and no where to go.

I have ran into brick walls everywhere I turn, I have called DFACS three times but because I live 780 miles away and can't afford a PI I don't have enough info to warrant an investigation.  Just a few days ago I hear she broke something hitting my 10 year old nephew, a few weeks ago she left marks all over my nephews shoulder and back. I have a witness that doesn't want to turn her in, afraid to do so.

So out of 4 kids I stand alone. My mom and I are all we have left and she is 71, good health but like I going nuts trying to figure a way to save the kids.

My husband is wonderful and it breaks his heart to know what these kids might be enduring, we would take them in today but just have to figure out a way to get them out. She talks like they are possessions not people. 

She is sick and in denial. She can't see the forest through the trees. The boyfriend is utterly worthless

as well and all the while the kids live in hell, sworn to secrecy, living a nightmare.

Pray for them as I do and pray God shows us a way to save them. We are all the sanity they have in this insane mess.

S


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit My Story

 I have been married to my wife for almost 15yrs & have discovered several years later that she has a serious cocaine addiction. I suspect very strongly that she was a user before we met.

Due to my own background & upbringing as a young teenager to preasent day,... I was always warned from family of the danger of drugs & it's affects. So that 'fear' factor alone was enough to keep me on the right path, but making me totally ignorant & unwise to the users around me,... frends, associates, etc.

 My wife was fully aware of all this, therefore making it easier for her to coverup & or hide her addiction.

Out of curousity some yrs later i studied,... books, internet, etc, the use & (side) affects of some the more commonly used drugs. Therefore making it somewhat a little easier for me to see & understand on how to pick out the users to the nonusers. Living & being married to the same woman for 15yrs has helped me also to see the bigger picture.

I first suspected her addiction about 7-8yrs into our marriage, due to the sudden & 'violent' mood swings towards our two children & myself, for no real aparent reasons. The consistant deception & lies of where she was & what she was doing, the constant hyperactivity throughout the day & night, always in & out of the bathroom, then amerging hyped & totally active always thinking that i was none the wiser.

But to me one of the most easiest telltail sign is the her skin around both her cheek bone area on both sides of her face, where she develops small rashes between her nose & the cheek bones, possibly a small allergy to the drug. On looking at it closely you can see clearly that they are dozens of tiny blood vessels that have surfaced but very visible just under the top layer of the skins surface. My wife has a very fair skin complextion & a history of sensitive skin thus making it easier to detect any changes. I have quitely noticed these changes develop when she reapears from the bathroom not just at home but at most places we travel. Everytime i question her about it, it triggers agression & constant denial. I also beleive she has lost all sense of who she really is & what our marriage is all about.

There is so much more i could write about, but i want to finish it of by saying that my greatest concern is for my two young sons &  my marriage. Due to all the marriage failiers i have seen 85% was solely due to drug addiction from one or both parties,.. & i feel beyond doubt that our marriage is set to fail due to her addiction simply because of the 'element of trust' factor, which has plauged me throughout most of my own marriage.                    Jimmy.


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Your website and book and my story

 I just read the story of “Julie”.  I received and read your book on Saturday and it certainly opened my eyes.  My story is of “Justin”.  He began running away when he was 13.  I suspected drugs, but knew nothing about crack.  He began getting arrested, and although I was a divorced mom, manager in a successful hotel, he claimed when caught that he had to run away because I was a broken down drunk.  I had Social Services investigating me.  He stole from me; my home was robbed seven times in five years, everything of any value taken time and time again.  He eventually was on intense probation for all kinds of petty and stupid actions, violated probation and went to prison (this all came after an alternative school, a group home, and boot camp).  Prison seemed to make no influence on him.  He came back to me, got another good job, and got right back on drugs.  I moved to an adjacent county where nobody knew him.  A friend of mine was able to get him a great job.  He got high one night and stole my car, caught it on fire (probably with a crack pipe) and left it burning by the road and ran because he had no license.  I did not press charges.

When he was 18, he ran away with a high-school girlfriend and for six months, I was FREE.  Free of worry, free of probation officers and policemen banging on my door, humiliating me in my new neighborhood.  Then six months later, he’s back with a pregnant girlfriend.  I let them stay with me a month, rented a nice little house for them and paid all deposits on utilities, phone, etc.  He worked, but spent all money on drugs and paid not a cent of rent and was evicted.

The girlfriend rented an apartment and had the baby and left him.  He came back home to me.  I had good friends in Utah, way down in horse country, no evidence of drugs there.  They agreed to take him and gave him another great job.  He stayed a couple weeks, made it up to Salt Lake City and bam, found exactly what he wanted….crystal meth.  I started getting calls from police officers out there.  He’d stolen a credit card, rented a hotel room and called me.  They had phone records.  I told them the truth; he was a drug addict, a thief, and on the run.

He came home and I wouldn’t let him in.  He stole another car and went to Florida.  He was caught shoplifting and spent a few weeks on some kind of prison/farm for the shoplifting, but they did nothing about the car theft.  Home again.  Door closed in his face everywhere he went.  So he went to Florida, ended up in a homeless shelter and eventually rehab.
 He left early, got a job in a 5-star resort, got on crack again and didn’t show for work and was fired.  The two neighbors he’d been partying with died from overdose after he left one night.  He ended up back in the shelter, back in the program.  After he left the second time, his counselor called and said that was it….he could not come back.  Home again.

I allowed him to stay one night and then turned him into another county where he still had an outstanding warrant for possession of drug paraphernalia.  For $35, he could have walked away.  I left him in jail.  He came back; I let him in and told him to get involved in AA.  He did, made good friends, went to nightly meetings and got another wonderful job where he made about $700 net/weekly.  All was well until March.  He didn’t come home one night and when he did, he was broke.  He gave me $200 every other week for his rent.  I got up one Saturday morning and went to deposit the money he’d given me.  He’d gone out and stolen the money out of my purse, although he had over $500 of his own.

It was then that I realized what he was spending on his partying.  He took off again and called one of his older AA friends, a former crack addict, who’d become a successful designer.  He took him to detox and got him into a treatment center for 30 days.  I took his clothes over to the detox center, and he was home by 3am.  I took him right back and they turned him away because he blew his chance for help.  From there, it was a pattern, go to an occasional meeting to appease me, blow every paycheck except for the $100 a week he gave me.  The last weekend I saw him, he came into my office, looking like a walking skeleton and gave me $80 he owed me from his phone bill and for money I had to repay his brother because he was gone to the crack house when it was time to pay back.  I went home; he’d cleaned the house, bought me a bouquet of flowers and a nice bottle of wine.  He was cleaning his room when I went to bed.  I woke him the next day to see if he wanted to go with me to visit my sister.  He said he didn’t feel well.  I lied and said I’d be back early (I was staying all night, but didn’t want him to know and have his associates in my home).  Big mistake.  He called me on my cell phone at 9pm and said “aren’t you coming home, I’m worried”.  I said I’d be there early Sunday morning.  Got in that morning and my wide-screen TV was gone, my DVD player was missing from the bedroom TV and his room was trashed with condoms all over the floor (not used).
 I found out on Monday, he called another AA friend on Sunday and said he needed to get away; I’d left him alone, knowing he was in need of help.  So, he picked him up, took him to his house, loaned him his car keys to go get cigarettes.  He was gone two hours for what should have been a 10-minute trip to the store.  Then Steve (the friend) noticed his debit card was missing.  Justin had apparently been watching him at ATMs and memorized it.  By the time he got in touch with the bank, he’d already had $600 taken from three different ATMs.  He can’t prosecute because he gave him the car keys, and I don’t think they believed he didn’t give Justin the card.

He called his boss from DC a few days later and demanded he wire him $100 he owed him.  And being the Christian that he is, he did so.  He knew he owed him and knew he had also been ripped off by losing his most valuable worker, but his conscience made him send the money.  The next day, I get a call from a hospital in Maryland telling me they’d treated him for a dog bite and asking if he was bi-polar.  The “clinical psychologist” I spoke with said he appeared disheveled and said I wouldn’t send him money to get home on.  She didn’t notice he was on crack cocaine.  The NEXT day, the Health Dept. is calling me from up there saying he could have rabies and they need to locate the dog, asking me where they could find him.

But, I read your book, I cancelled the landline phone that all his buddies had access to and I will hang up on him or anyone else calling about him.  I’ve decided that although he has stolen thousands from me and caused me 12 years of never-ending pain, I will not see him again till he’s been clean for at least a year and employed for at least a year, and he will never be allowed in my home again.  He has a five-year-old daughter who worships him.  There are two sides; the good Justin and the drug addict.  He went to work every day, doing landscaping, working like an energized maniac in the hot sun.

But, thank you for your book and your advice.  It has helped me already.


-----Original Message-----
From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I met my ex in the fall of 1998, I was a post cancer patient, in remission, I had been a single mom by choice since I was 19, I had gotten an education and attended acoa and alanon meetings since my son was born in order to deal with childhood issues of my own. In 1987 at the young age of 27 I helped to establish the first codependency meetings in Canada. Both my brothers are "responsble, abusive, functioning alcoholics" with enabling wives. I dated somewhat throughout my younger years, and found I was still meeting alcoholics and or there were not alot of men out there that did not have some sort of addiction. (I often wonder if this is not a generation thing) having grown up as a teen in the era of sex, drugs and rock n roll, having done drugs myself .(a phase that I grew out of). I was able to raise a healthy child, non smoker, non drinker, addiction free, positive thinking, educated, spiritual adult. After my stint with cancer, and my son now turning 19 and insisted I get out there and date again(I had not dated in 7 years), I met my ex in a bar my gf was managing, I inquired about him, she said oh ,,nice guy,,,comes in for beers every friday night, quiet, polite,,seems okay. He was wonderful. WE had a formal, lengthy courtship(no sex, and that was okay for first 3 months) then I met his family who were educated, nice, what seemed like gr8 people too. So I went for it. Fast forwarding, we had 5 great years together, then my son moved away to another city and we moved in together, he got a promotion that took him out of town alot and meant much bigger dollars for him. The first year of living together was good too, we had a nice home, animals which we both love, some friends that were nice (some with questionable drinking habits, but hey?) anyhow, in year two, he started to change, he would say bizarre things, he was working, sleeping and going out on OUR saturday nights,,with the boys instead of spending it with me? I got very lonely during this time. He had become very unavailable to me suddenly in every way. I went to see a counsellor during this time, for I knew something was wrong, quickly there after, the emotional abuse began, suttle but constant, I kept looking to myself for what I had done to cause him to behave this way. I had been under alot of stress as I had opened a business when we moved in together a year ago ,,so maybe he is reacting to the changes in me. Well, I questioned him on the sleeping,,and not being home,,and the saturdays with the boys,,and the nursing of a hang over on sundays,,and what had happened to us? He stopped wanting to have sex with me,,after 6 years ,,of healthy intimacy??Finally, at christmas time, he came home on december 23 and threw a raging fit, scared me to death, punched holes in the walls and threw the turkey and all that was in the fridge on the floor,,glass and pickles everywhere. He called me a &*% and told me he was leaving me and walked out.OMG, . My poor son then 23 came through the door , just moments later,,Merry Christmas I said through wet eye lashes. Complete devastation it was! I cried, I told my son its all my fault, I neglected people, due to the pressures of the business. My son said" well you really have been somewhat unavailable" . Here in lies the enmeshment. This was the beginning of my downward spiral into codependency. I had 98 % trust in my ex, we had all those good years, anyhow, the story is similar to many here.  I owned the failing of the relationship and he let me. We were to seperate. He came home for christmas and we had a sad 3 days of quiet tension in the house til my son left. On New years eve he was gone, that was when I knew something was wrong, I thought another woman,?then I thought all night. I knew this man inside and out, he would not have an affair, he would not leave me alone on New Years Eve, so what could it be? I started to think, he is in some sort of trouble. For I knew him well, none of this made sense, so I called him on new years day morning on his cell and told him if he did not call home within the hour I would call his family and tell them what is going on in our home and I would throw all his belongings on the front lawn. The phone rang within minutes, he said I will explain everything when I get home. I went to hang up the phone and saw that he had not called on his cell, the call display read,,,,---- hotel.?? I thought hun? Well that was it, I got on my coat and off I went. I will never,ever forget that morning as long as I live , as I made my way to this hotel (in a very seedy end of town) I was bracing myself for the worst, yet I did not know what it could be, my mind kept racing,,another woman? no cannot be,,then what? Well it was a 39 dollar a night flea bag place, I went in looking like a very displaced woman, the desk guy, called his room as I directed him to and I was then told where my ex was. I went to the room and knocked ,,at first he would not let me. I told him it was okay ,,I loved him, I would not get mad, to let me in. He did,,,omg,,grey ashen face, buggy eyed,,cyanosis around his lips,,(I am a nurse)He stepped away went to one of the beds and sat,,as I took in the room,,,he began to say,,,I never cheated on you, I love you,,please know this. IN the bathroom a womans douche,,and blonde hair dye,,on the night stand,,tuberculin needles. Calmly I asked, Your doing needles? No they are not mine he replied? I asked What is this then? HE said CRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg I cannot even crack an egg today without relating it to the word and its meaning. I asked,,CRACK??? whats that? anyhow, the story goes on and on and on and on. I did not share this with anyone for some time, we went to a counsellor, we got him on a Na chat line, I researched the net,,I thought crack was like coke,,the addictions counsellor handed me a pamphlet about normal cocaine ( the kind you snort,,when I asked her for information) this prolonged my denial for some time. Then I came across two sites, this being one of them, I was in denial ,I read posts and thought oh my guy is not like this,,this is an exaggeration.What a shocker! I, actually , we had no idea what we were dealing with. Fast forwarding here. After leaving him several times(and one imposed by his boss stint in rehab),,after going broke and loosing it all and having debt (both of us cause I stood by him for the 3 years). He is now from what I know 10 months clean. I live in another city,ew have minimal contact and I am trying to get on with my life. A little advice:All that you read here, the things they say or do are true. Don't do as I did and think oh mine would not do that , cause they will and do. If you really want to help your addict,,do not enable them in any way,,tell them how much you love them , how they are not well and need help, that yu will always be there to help them get clean, BUT you will not help them kill themselves. Do not help them remain on this journey, when we think we can fix it or help them,,,we are actually driving nails in their coffin, its tough love,,with love,,dont take anything they say or do personally,,dont ever accept it as your fault cause again you are giving them an excuse to use,,reason to use. Let them feel every bump down the road, always letting them know you will be there when they are ready to get well!! Denial is a very very powerful thing,,We have minimal contact now, but he does sound like he is slowly getting better. For partners who expect something from them,,dont,,whether they are using or in recovery ,,they need themselves to get well,,or if using they have nothing to give,,they can only take. Either way,,the relationship as you knew it is over and will never ,ever be again.If they are recovering they have a long, long road ahead and need to so concentrate on themselves and only themselves. They will lie,they will hide and they will con you and they will rip you off. They are completely unavailable , unwell people,So dont get upset when they fail to act normally, they are sick. Dont react to what they do, they are sick, dont expect anything from them they cannot even take care of themselves.,Detach with love. Go through the grieving process of what once use to be and accept the changes. Acceptance is key. God bless us and help us all from this what I believe,,designed by the devil himself drug called CRACK!!


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: submit my story

Here is my story:

I met my husband in 1978.  I was 16 and he was 15.  He was my "first".  We broke up and  got back together in 1990.  He was an alcoholic but I still fell in love with him.  I was extremely physically attracted to him and he was very sweet. It was a rollercoaster ride from the start.  Why did I stay with him?  I don't know.  At first he was only an alcoholic who smoked marijuana almost everyday.  He was verbally abusive to me.  One day in 1994, I told him that I was going to leave him.  He beat me up....terribly. He was put in jail for 3 months, and guess what?  I took him back after he begged me and told me he would change.  He never hit me again, and quit drinking.  In 1997, and 1998 we had 2 boys. (back to back).  It was calm for awhile, we bought a house, but still argued constantly. Then 10 years later, in 2004, he started drinking again and then smoking crack.  I left him immediately and took the kids to my brothers.  He entered rehab-it took 3 different rehabs to get him on the right track.  We got back together but he was MEAN AND IRRITABLE ALL THE TIME.  I thought my name was b_ t _ h.  My boys started to call me that.    In 2005, he smoked it again and sold my truck for crack. We split up again.  He had a girlfriend.  She had a baby from another man.  In June 2005, my son was hit by a car and lifeflighted to the hospital.  He came back to take care of him.  He could get the time off from work.  We were so upset about our child, that we decided to try again.  We both have good jobs at this time.  We are both making a little over $50,000.  But the money keeps disappearing.  Items from the house, keep disappearing.  I am starting to hide my purse at this point.  (Which is hard to be on your toes all the time, in your own house.) In March, he started disappearing on his paydays and came back broke. He did this 3 times.  The last time was on 4/7/2006.  When he came back, he said, "Guess what?  I f_ _ cked up again."  I thought to myself, "Ya think?"  He was so calm about it.  It was like no big deal.  Since I always forgave him, he thought he can do it anytime and there would be no consequences.  This was just not acceptable to me.  I was pissed.  Angry.  I didn't scream.  I didn't holler. I calmly told him, "I don't love you anymore.  I want a divorce."  I filed for a divorce.  I did it myself.  Attorney ad litem. I moved out and got an apartment. He moved out and lives with his sister.  He still has a job.  He's been giving me about 400.00 every 2 weeks.  I feel terrible.  I don't really want to break up my family.  But he seems to do better without us.  I don't know what to do about the house.  If I move back in, then he will know where I am and come back.  I can't afford the mortgage and my rent of 869.00.  For some reason, I was getting emotionally upset talking to him all the time.  I decided not to take his calls anymore, and he won't give me money until I talk to him.  So I sucked it up financially.  I am going to court Monday morning and file the paperwork to increase my child support and take it out of his check.  I changed my cell number, and leave my voice mail on at work.  He's only been calling about 2 times a day. I just delete it.  Mine sounds like a boring story.  Trust me....it's been hell!!! I can't even begin to tell you all the things that he has done.  The reason it's hard, because he seems like he is only a binge user every now and then.  I know now that they just keep doing it and getting  worse.  He is a functioning binge addict with a job. That's it.  My story.
 

From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 

Posted:

 

 

The infamous "they" say it helps to talk about these things so I thought maybe I should take the time to post my story.
About 9 years ago I was 19, in college and started dating a 'great guy'. He was finishing a two year degree and trying to start a career. After a year we moved in together. Less than two years after that we called it quits. The overall problem was that I was young and thought I wanted to be married blah blah; and he did not; so we split. Just to give insight we both smoked a moderate amount of pot, drank a little beer and that was it. Five years later we meet again, both in the beginning stages of divorce. I had just returned to school and to work after being a stay at home mom for 2+ years. He had been married for almost five years and been raising a stepson.
We thought we had been given a second chance. It seemed like we were older and wiser, had made changes to all the annoying child like habits we had the first go round.
I noticed very quickly that he seemed to have a very strong attraction to snorting pills as did all his friends (who I knew years ago and were not in to that then). I found it a little alarming, but to be honest they were all raising kids, working and paying mortgages. They really tried to say it was 'on the weekends, when kids were away" blah blah blah
Because we were reckless and emotional we became pregnant and thought it was wonderful. His exW convinced him he couldn't have kids and I had questioned my own ability for another. Within two months he let me discover he was a crack head. After a very short roller coaster ride the erratic behavior subsided and I was brain washed into believing we just needed a change of scenery, a fresh start, again blah blah
So, he leaves his home moves into mine with my three year old and my father who is a recovering alcoholic with 3years sober, though no home of his own. We live in a very rural area and a round trip to the store is easily 20-25 minutes and very quickly it became I forgot smokes, gas, beer; whatever would get him out of the house. In the meantime even though we had consolidated into one household I had not seen a dime and there was always a very valid reason. When he finally started a new job and his income doubled, he knew I would expect $ so instead I think he purposefully let me in on his little secret. The week before payday I was finding pipes and actually found a rock in our bath room and dusty cellophane wrapper in the trash. So come pay day it was no surprise when we had a really nice night out after fighting all week about the 'evidence' and he took off at 2am and didn't return for 6hrs. I tried to enlist the help of his father who is the worst enabler of all and he believes the problem, but I think is relieved to see it fall on me. As of right now CH is giving me uncashed paychecks and basically accounting for every second of his day. He seems to have no concept that all trust is gone and that really I am on an information gathering mission. He expects me to be doing back flips for ten days sober, but I'm not that excited.
The worst part is that the person I fell back in love with is not this man. I was so naive to how extensive his drug use was I didn't realize that it wasn't even him. I actually miss the man who was always ready to go somewhere, do something, always wanted me around, always wanted me...
I could never tell him but sober he's just the same kid he was ten years ago, and I already moved on from that...
So here I am 28 with a daughter and another on the way, still trying to finish college and trying to figure out how to get rid of my CH... b/c I know in the end that is what I will have to do anyway

 


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

  I would like to thank Steve for pioneering this educational, cathartic, and informative website. It has been a g-d sent for me over the last year. Its been a tool for emotional growth, along with a place that I consider a "safe-haven" to escape to when need be. This site has created an abundance of comfort for so many of us that are dealing or have dealt with someone involved with crack. Thank you Again Steve for creating Crackreality.com.

 My Story:

   Today is my one year anniversary (June 1st) from parting with my crackhead fiancée. I made a vow to myself that if I could make it through the first year I would share my experience with others, as others did for myself. My saga started in March. My then fiancée and I were getting ready to embark on the next phase of our lives which was marriage. In the interim his behavior started to change. I noticed him "pulling away" and deviating from plans. There always was an excuse, and at the time it seemed like a legitimate one too. As time past he wasn't going to work. He owned a semi successful plumbing company that was rapidly declining as well. He was telling me he couldn't work as he was sick with a lingering respiratory infection along with severe knee pain. He spent days upon days sleeping and said he was up all night because his schedule was off. He told me to stay away as he may be contagious. At the time we both had separate homes so I didn't have a chance to see what was going on in his life. I chose to believe he was "sick." As weeks passed his behavior changed drastically. He had pushed me so far away that we were only seeing each other once a week. He told me never to stop by his house without calling, along with other strange mixed messages he was sending to me. I finally took him into the University hospital to see what was wrong. The first question the doctor asked was if he was on street drugs. I was so offended because I thought that was the last thing on the list that could be wrong with him. He looked at the doctor and told him a bold face lie explaining he didn't do drugs. This all took place one year ago on Memorial weekend. At the time I was just puzzled as to what could be wrong with him. My family speculated the worst, and my grandma suggested he could be on Meth. Finally, I walked into his house unannounced on Memorial Day last year. He was in his office on the computer in a chat room. He quickly logged off as if he was totally busted. He exclaimed "I have a problem." He pulled out the crack pipe and explained the severity of his addiction.  He said not a lot of people know about it. I was shocked, saddened, scared, confused, and didn't know what direction to turn too. I contemplated telling my family but knew I had to. It was important for me to get support from them at such a vulnerable time. The next day I went back to my then fiancés house to talk to him. He was passed out in his bed. The phone was ringing nonstop from the same person on the caller ID. I didn't recognize the name but decided to listen to the message. I remember the message as clear today as I did one year ago when it was heard. The message went like this..... You better tell your fiancée that you are having an affair with my girlfriend and if you don't I will kick your ass.  I remember my body went limp. I blacked out as I was so distraught and scared. I didn't want to believe it was true but I knew it was. I had to hear it from the horse's mouth so I could move forward with my life. He confirmed the worst to me as I begged for the truth. It took a while for him to admit it but he finally did. He said crack is a lot more fun with someone to smoke with and sleep with. At that point all I could think about were STD's. I quickly met my Mom and grandma back home so they could drive me to my gynecologist to get tested. I sat down with my doctor for an hour that day and cried out of fear, sadness, and for my future and my past. After a thorough exam he explained to me that I was cautious enough to use condoms and didn't catch anything. He also said his heart ached for my mental state. He suggested I get some counseling. I started support groups, Al anon, and weekly sessions with my psychologist while I was mourning the loss of an era-eight long years with someone I loved and cared for. I didn't hear from him for three months. I wondered everyday how he could do what he did. I thought life on his end was peachy keen. Little did I know he lost a brand new car, a home, all his money, a business, and most importantly he lost me. He spent months sleeping with crack whores and hanging out with crackheads- a life I never knew about that is so prevalent in the crack-world. Everything negative that has happened to him is all textbook. His path followed the same crack path that the rest follow too. A life where morals are robbed, values don't exist, and a conscience is yet to be found. It steals them of all their good and leaves the people that care for far behind.  Its still hard for me to understand the pathology of this disease we call "crack-addiction." A small white rock superseded a life. A small white rock destroys families. A small white rock destroys marriages. A small white rock destroys lives. A small white rock stole my fiancée from me. I have learned to let go, let g-d. Its been difficult. As I look back to a year ago, when it all started, I am proud of myself for learning, growing, and most importantly living. At such a dark time I knew my option was to go on with life. My heart goes out to everyone dealing with someone they know and love who is struggling with this confusing, horrific, and disheartening addiction.
Thank you Again Steve for making it possible for all of us to express ourselves and for our voices to be heard and acknowledged.

 S in Minnesota


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit my story

 I discovered this site yesterday.  It has been a learning experience, and has helped me come better to terms with the antiChrist nature of a crack cocaine user.

 In September, I met my most recent boyfriend when he moved to my city from California.  I knew that he smoked marijuana -- he knew that I could not, due to my profession.  We were OK with our mutual knowledge.

 In early October, he wanted to meet for dinner, so I went to his room in a residential hotel.  I knocked on the window, door, and air conditioning unit, but he would not let me inside.  Shortly, another friend of his approached and asked who I was.  I responded that I was a friend, and that we were to have met for dinner.  This gentleman then said to me, "I don't know why he would be in there with you -- she is fat and ugly -- and leave you out here waiting for him -- you are beautiful -- you look like an actress."

 As I do not back down from a challenge and am not adverse to risk, I kept trying to get my friend to answer the door.  In turn, the gentleman told me that my friend had been partying with him and others on the first floor the previous night, and that he was in the room with the other lady having sex and smoking what I initially thought was marijuana.  Later, he clarified that he meant crack cocaine.

 Finally, after an interminable delay, my friend answered his door.  I did not smell marijuana, and I do not (still) know the smell of crack cocaine.  I asked him what was going on, and he refused to answer me as "...he did not want any drama...he would tell me about it the next day".  I demanded that he return a blanket I had lent him, and after telling him that I felt like kicking his ____ all the way back to his home city of ___ _______, I left.

 Several days later, we were in recontact with one another.  He explained that it was not crack cocaine, but merely cocaine (as if that made it any better).  During subsequent months, he told me that he had used cocaine in the past.  Further, he assured me that he did not have sex with the strange woman, as he does not _______  fat, ugly women.

 After a time, and further discussion on this point, we moved in together with his assurance that he would not do any drugs at my house.  He appeared to abide by my request.  At that time, he told me how much he appreciated my allowing him to move into my house; told me what gift he would give me for Christmas for helping him out so much; informed me that if I had not let him move in with me, he would have returned to that lifestyle, and proclaimed my home "paradise".

 Over time, his work situation stabilized and de-stabilized, as did he.  I continued to care for him deeply (fixer/solver that I am), and thought that he cared for me.  We had a big fight, and then we made up.  In February the next year he disappeared for 10 days, and when he returned, he told me that "...he was glad he was able to reestablish just how much he liked smoking pot."

 After that statement, everything went downhill.  I would see him only every two weeks, and only then to give him the six unemployment checks he had had mailed to my house.  I knew the general area in which he was now living, and it was very close to the squalor in which he had lived at the first residential hotel.  I did not think that he had resumed using only pot.   He would tell me we would go to a movie or other recreational event/activity, and then not call or show up as scheduled.  I began to get massively depressed, and turned my cel phone off, as it was more disappointing to have it on, and not get the call.  On two separate weekends a month apart, he claimed that he had gotten bitten by a spider; that he had gotten sick; and that he had called my phone to tell me that he could not make it, although I never received most of these calls.

 Finally, while out with friends one night, we ran into him.  He looked awful -- his once-handsome face was puffy from drinking, and he had a yellow cast about him.   He was very agitated and irritated to see me -- I guess he was pissed that I had caught him in the act of debauchery and his Caligula-like misbehavior, this genius of mine.  I told him that I still had his mail forwarded by his mom in February (it was now mid-May), CDs, and clothes -- he told me to throw it all away.  He was totally out of it.  I wondered how he even recognized me -- this person who once told me that if I would have his child, he would stay with me forever -- that he was so attached to me, that he always had to be touching me as we lay or sat together on the couch.   Now, he was apparently dating a skanky stripper.  I told him that his mom had gone through the trouble of mailing him letters, etc. that he still had not retrieved, let alone read, from February. I would not throw away these materials.  In the end, I mailed all of his stuff to his mom, with a fairly affidavit-like perfunctory letter trying to explain what had happened, and why this stuff was making its way back to her.

 Through my reading (by now, I have become a subject matter expert in this field), I now surmise that the spider biters were formication, or delusional parisitosis, which occurs when cocaine and meth users begin to pick at their skin, thinking that an insect or other parasite is crawling on them.  When I told him that, he refused to speak to me any more, and one of his CH friends physically intervened between us.

 So this is my sad story---here is a person who is exceedingly bright, handsome, articulate, funny, and charming, who is apparently bedeviled by this horrendous drug. 

 I appreciate the opportunity for this catharsis.  Also, although I never met his mom or the rest of his family, I wish them patience and perseverance for their current and probable future challenges with this issue.  Finally, while I do not anticipate seeing or speaking with my ex-boyfriend again (too much pain there for me), I fervently hope that he gets the help he needs to surmount his personal demons.  I will always care for and about him.


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Hi Steve,

                 Thank you for creating this website, all the stories have really made me feel better. I am married to a crack-head and what a ride it's been. We met and got married 7 months later. We've been married for 10 yrs now and I would have to say that he has had this addiction for about 7 yrs now. We used to party a bit when we first got married, just pot, or a couple lines, nothing ever major, but now looking back, I remember one time when we were partying and he asked me if I had ever smoked it before, I said no, and tried it. I didn't like the feeling(thank God), and never did it again. That started to explain his late night outs with the guys, while I sat at home pregnant with our first child. He was also on probation and I could never figure out why he would risk going to prison just to party with some friends. Things got slowly worse, lots of job changes, and we filed for bankruptcy. I was pregnant with our second child(13 months apart). He could never hang on to his jobs because he would always be calling in.  My Dad died shortly after and he was nowhere to be found when my Dad to his last breath. He missed our daughter's 1st birthday. At this point he would always work and contribute, but emotionally he wasn't there. He was also very violent at times. He would choke me, to the point where I would almost pass out. I don't know why I stayed. I guess I believed all of his stupid lies, and how sorry he was. He was so nice and such a loving father when he was sober. He would go months without using, and I never found any evidence, so I guess I was blind to what was really going on. His partying got worse and I decided to leave him and move in with my mom. After the bankruptcy, all of our stuff was stored at a house that his father and him owned. Lets just say he sold it all, even the microwave. I would constantly try and find him on the "streets", while I left the kids with my mom. Took him to rehab and detox centers, at least 5 times. Finally when I was fed up I told it was over and not to bother me anymore. He broke into my Moms house and stole her checkbooks, and wrote out a bunch of checks, to some females name. He also hid in the back of my SUV one time and proceeded to kidnap me by knife point, and then turn around and cry about how much he loved me, and to please just end it all and kill him. Another time he broke into my Moms house and waited for me to get home. He then attacked me, where I got a concussion and don't remember what happened. I called the police. He called me a couple hours later and I met up with him and got him arrested. He went to jail on a work release program, and then escaped. He committed some crimes while escaped that landed him a 2.5 year prison term. I now regret not completely freeing myself from him while he was locked up. I never felt so free and unworried while he was there. I believed all the love letters, and how he was a changed man. We would come and visit, pretty often, and I fell in love again with the man I married and not the monster he had turned into. He got out and things went well for about a year, and then, just out of the blue, he pulled a disappearing act for 2 days. No phone call, nothing. I knew what that meant. So here I am 3 years later reading your site, writing my story, and waiting for him to call or come home since last night. The thing that gets me is why no phone call? Just call and say I'm out smoking crack. Its torture not knowing if he's dead or alive. At least the violence stopped, and he "only" disappears once every 2 months for only a day or two. I guess I just wait until he gets sick of that lifestyle. My kids are now 7 and 8, and I sheltered them enough where, they seem ok.(straight A students) I'm glad I got them into a private Christian school. As for myself , I made some really good investment deals while he was incarcerated and went to college. I now can support myself and my two kids by myself. I have a great job. Yet here I am, taking the day off, kids are at his parents, and I sit......waiting. 


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject:

Hi Steve I hope this helps.

How can you not cry? I have cried for months now. I have cried until my eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my head. It’s like a knife through the heart. The person you love and married just ripped the very soul out of you.  And you are trying to understand why. Trying to understand what would make the person that promises to love you until death do us part, treat you like S#@& and just turn stone cold.  If you have never been in this place, you would never understand. I know now I will never understand.

 This is my story. (I am better known as Fancy). Today April 216:30 pm. My Husband just left, I guess for the weekend because he took a change of clothes without a word to me. I cried for about one an a half hour, but not letting him see me cry was a giant step for womankind. I always thought that crying would get his attention. Crying would get him to understand that I was in pain, but I find out later he could care less about my tears or my pain. I was on my own, me and my pain. I wish I could tell you what happen, but like so many of you, same script difference cast.

 The question I ask myself is not what came first, the chicken or the egg. The question I ask myself was is it the women or the drugs.

 We met in April  he was much older then I, but I found him to be very good looking, charming, funny, and just an all around nice guy. He did the whole world wind thing that swept me off my feet. He told me just about everything about his life. He told me about his 4 children with all different mothers.  He told me about being married 4 times and he also told me about his past lifestyle which included drugs. Did the red flag really have to hit me in the face or what? Because of the way he treated me, I looked past all of that. I was different (so I thought). My husband has been a functioning drug user for his whole life and he is now 63 years old. He has worked for the federal government for 30+ years and doing that time he sold and used drugs. My husband has never hit rock bottom. He has always had a roof over his head and always paid his bills. Still to this day, he seems to be doing ok.  Doing that time in his life, he had a brother and a son that both hit rock bottom. When I met my husband he was retired from his government job, and was working another job.  Life was good. I moved in and we got married December . I had the perfect marriage, I had it all. I had a man that loved me like no other man has ever loved me before. In or around September  the job he was working ended.

 I was on top of the world until May, when my husband came home acting like I’ve never seen him before. It was like he was racing through the house looking for something. His eyes were big like they were going to pop. I tried to find out what was going on and he just turned into this mean person. He started yelling at me telling me to get the F@#$ out of his house. That was the very first time he had ever cussed at me. Telling me that he thought he could trust me, and that he never thought that I would turn my back on him. All kind of crazy things that took me on a different kind world wind. That is the day I found out my husband was smoking cocaine. I had no idea how long he had been doing it. I was dumb to the drug life, had no knowledge of it what so ever, and only knew of what he had told me when we met (and was I really listening)? So when he told me that he was sorry and that it would never happen again, I really thought it was just that easy. I took him for his word.  Life went back to being ok, but it was never the same.

 August is when the devil showed up at my door steps again. This time, he did not come alone; he brought some help (other women). This time he was snorting cocaine. This time I was afraid and confused. He was bleeding from the nose, and paranoid. He was scary. This time I tried to get his family involved and was told that he would be ok, just leave him alone for awhile, it would pass. Getting his family involved was a waste of time. My husband at this point was no longer my husband. He was meaner then ever. He blamed me for everything. He started talking divorce, saying that maybe we needed to take a break. I was as confused as ever. I love my husband and I didn’t think that there wasn’t any thing we could not handle together. My husband told me that he went to see a lawyer and was filling for divorce. I thought my whole world was caving in.

 What did I do to make him treat me like this? As time went on, he said that he had once again stopped doing drugs. Then the women came into play. He was always out, they were calling his cell phone, and he always had and excuse for everything.  After reading Steve’s book, I was defiantly the queen of INVOLVEMENT. I did everything within my power to find out what was going on with him. You would not believe the things I did to find out what my husband was doing and who he was doing it with. My friends tell me that I should change my profession to private investigator. In the process of getting information, when I confronted him, he would just lie right to my face. I did nothing but put myself in more emotional pain because of what I would find out. We lived like that for the next 7 months, me not knowing where my husband was and how he was spending all his time and money. 

 My biggest involvement was the women that were in my husband’s life. All the questions that I had about them, which one or if not all were apart of my husband staying out? Which one was doing the drugs?  These questions ran through my mind every minute of the day. He has told me every lie in the book. He has said just about everything on the list of Things crack heads say. I got to a point where I needed to stop. None of the woman would talk to me about anything and I wanted to be heard. As part of my own healing and ending my involvement with the three women that I knew about, I decided to write a letter, whether it was the right thing to do or not. I needed closure as far as they were concerned.  This was my beginning to freedom. I would like to share the letter with you. All three women received the same letter. I have taken out the names to protect the so called innocent.

 

To:  Ms. T, Ms. A, and Ms. V 

 I'm not sure which one or if not all of you are my husband’s DRUG (Cocaine) buddy, so I'm writing to all of you. You are the only three that I know about. I am sure there are more. You can call me childish, you can tell me to grow up and get a life, but at this point, I don't care. I have some things I need to get off my chest.  I’m a wife that very much loves her husband and is very afraid for him and his lifestyle right now. And women that make the decision to deal with a married man should always remember that there are two sides to every story. I’m sure my husband has painted me out to be this evil wife. Let me tell you he is lying. My husband has a drug addiction problem and one or if not all of you are apart of it. However I don't blame either one of you for the choices that my husband has made in his life, because he is a grown man. Am I Angry?  YES!  I am angry at the fact that women don't have any respect for each other anymore.  All of you in some way have a relationship with my husband knowing fully well he is married. Let me tell you all what he has told me about your various relationships with him.

 Let me start with Ms T. You seem to have been in his life long before me.  When I met my husband, he told me about you and him dating.  He told me that you were about to move in with him but he changed his mind.  He said that you were into drugs and that you always expected him to pay for everything, and that you were as ghetto as they come. Those were his words Ms T, not mine. On January 20xx, you called his cell phone and I answered it because the caller ID read therbunny11 and I wanted to know who bunny was. My husband said that you were helping him find a job. Then he said you were calling him for drugs. I really didn't think anything of it because I had no reason not to trust him at that point, but I guess I was wrong.  May 20xx is when I learned of my husband smoking crack and no telling how long he had been doing it. But with you in his life, it had to be long before May.  Ms T, I talked to you on my husband’s cell phone in November 20xx and asked you what was your relationship with him. You told me to ask him and when I did he told me that you were a crack head and that you were calling him for drugs. When I told you what he said, you cursed me out telling me you have been sleeping with my husband for 12 years and that you were not a crack head. My husband said again that it was all lies that he would never touch you. Don't worry I don't believe him.

Now as for you Ms V. (Ms A I will come back to you) August 20xx is when I learned that he was snorting cocaine, my guess is he never stopped from the first time. October 28, 20xx is when I came home and caught my husband on the phone talking to you planning a date. I called you and told you that he was married, but that’s right you already knew that.  He told me that you were someone that he met at the club. He said that you were going to help him with his business, and that you had some connections. Then on November 3, 20xx I caught the both of you coming out of the club. That Friday, he told me that everything was going to be ok and that he was not going to see you anymore. Remember ladies each lie told to me. We were attempting to work on our marriage, so I thought.  How wrong I was again. From that point on, I started checking the cell phone bills and could see that he was talking to you everyday, five to six times a day Monday thru Sunday. You were business all business, that's what he has been drilling in my head from then on.  And still to this day you are business. I'm not stupid but I let him think that I was. He told me time and time again that he was not going to talk to you anymore, that you didn't want him, that you had a man, and that he was only using you to get some DC contracts. Then I find out about the love phone (this is what I call the other cell phone). He had never stopped talking to you and never planned on stopping talking to you.  Ms V, you left my husband a message on the love phone telling him that you were home and that he could come and take his medicine. When I questioned him about it, he told me that it was DRUGS you were talking about. This came from him not me, I don’t know you or where you come from.  It's always lead back to drugs. Ms V, the night that I took OUR car he was at your house. He has been at your house many nights. Telling me it's not what I think, its business. And Ms V, I remember you saying to me “I am not your friend” and “I don't care anything about you”.  Just remember what goes around comes around.

 Now Ms A, he was talking to you way before Ms V, but you were never a question. The phone bill tells me that he started talking to you in May 20xx. You came to our 4th of July cookout at our HOME!  I found out later after the cookout, the phone calls started to roll in. He has been talking to you just as much as Ms V everyday.  There was a number on the phone bill that he called. The number stood out to me because it was just like my cell number. February 20xx out of the blue, the day he went to the lady that you recommended to do his taxes. I asked my husband, “Are you messing with Ms A?” He said OH NO, she's married, and happily married let me add. He went on and on about how happily married you were and that he was doing some work on your mother’s house and something about your brother. He went on about how he talks to your husband all the time. And how your husband went out of town and you did not have a problem with it. At the same time he was planning his Atlantic City getaway. And telling me not to confront you and mess up your marriage. I gave you that much respect despite my suspicions. Still that just didn't sound right to me. OH yea, and you are helping him with his business too.

 Anyway ladies, here we are today April 2006, and my husband is back at it. (Snorting Cocaine) I don't know what is going on when it comes to the three of you, but what I can tell you is that he is talking to all of you. Men are not that smart when it comes to cheating or lying. All the information that I have about the three of you, I got from my husband. I don't know which one of you had the pleasure of spending the night at Channel Inn Hotel. I don't know which one of you had the pleasure of going to Atlantic City for the weekend. I don't know which one of you was with him when he left his cell phone at Four Seasons. Oh and lets not forget Christmas weekend. I don't know which one of you had the pleasure of his company the whole weekend that I took OUR car. All the eating out at Four Seasons, Chapps, Ihop, Pier 7, Red Lobster, Carolina Kitchen, Market Inn, Out Back, My brother’s Place, Ruby Tuesday’s and many more. Ms V, did you ever make it to Proud Mary? I don't know which one of you got the Valentine’s Day card. One of you just had a birthday. Ms V, I know about you and my husband and the cingular store and the vitamin store buying your detoxitea.

 The intent of this letter is not for revenge, but to give you respect from one woman to another the same respect I wanted from each of you in spite of how you felt or feel about me.

 This is my therapy and I also thought it would be a good idea for you all to get to know the other in some way. You may already know one another for all I know.  All of you in some way are breaking him down. He is not a rich man even though he is running around town like he is.

 I am not sure which role is played by either of you, whether you're his dealer, supplier, drug partner, confidant, or lover, regardless it’s the same script different cast.  I have been hurt beyond words. When I married my husband never in a million years would I have thought that he would have inflected this much pain in my life. I still love my husband and I am not sure where it will all end but, I’ll be ok. The one thing I come to realize is that I am confident in myself, and can compete with anyone of you, but the one woman who neither of us can compete with is Crack Cocaine.

 I have come across a very good web site that may help you understand what I have been going through for months. It also can help you or help you understand my husband. www.crackreality.com

 The Wife

 

 Today I am still living with my husband in separate rooms. We hardly ever talk; he goes and comes as he pleases. I live one day at a time. I’m working on a plan to regain my life and start living again. At one point, my husband had sucked every bit of strength out of me. I allowed his problem to effect my job,  my sleep, relationship with my kids, my eating, my  thinking,  even my driving.  It has also affected the things I use to love to do, like reading with my book club and working out. I lost my smile, and laughter. At one point I question my own sanity, he made me think that I was the one going crazy. I was the one in the doctor’s office for His problem that I made my problem. It got to the point when a small part of me felt it would be better if I was dead, wondering if he would have even care If I died, I would not feel this pain anymore. It was unbearable. I have since then answered that question for myself (NO). I may not be the one at this point to give advice, but if you are at a place in your life when you let somebody else’s problems become yours, take a step back and think.  I felt so alone; my husband was and still is a functioning drug user. How can he be a crack head? No one saw what I saw, it’s like his drug use is for my eyes only. And it’s frustrating trying to get people to understand what you are going through. I read on the discussion board about the 5 stages that people go through during this process. I was dying.  In the beginning, I was definitely in Denial. Then I found myself Bargaining for my husband’s love and attention. Then there was the big D word, Depression. I was told by a doctor that I needed anti depression medicine (for somebody else’s problem). Then there was Anger. Now here we are at Acceptance. I have accepted the fact that I cannot let my husband’s problem become my problem. Even though I have accepted that, I still have a long ways to go. I got angry just recently and told my husband that I was not going to waste another tear on him. I had cried my last cry. Don’t get me wrong I know that I will cry again but I will never give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. This time when I cry, it will be a different kind of cry if you can understand.

 This is MY Story; your story may be different maybe even worse.  But living with a Crack user has the same effects on each one of its victims. It steals your happiness, kills your relationship, and destroys your very soul if you let it.

 Steve’s book the “Guide to Emotional Freedom” and the crack reality website, friends and family helped me to get to where I am today. I made a decision to live, and for that, I am thankful. I did not start researching information on crack cocaine until my husband’s second episode back in August 2005.

My advice to anyone going through this; when you see the signs, pay attention before it’s too late. I did not find this site until now and I learned so much about my Crack Head Husband as well as myself and my life.

Fancy…


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 To All Here is My Story

 I fell in love again with my high school sweetheart via the Internet.  We had not be in contact with each other for over 24 years.  We communicated by e-mails and Im's for about 3 months when she decided it was time to call me on the phone.  I had just been through a divorce after a 22 year unhappy marriage, no she wasn't a CH.  I have never had any experience with CH so I never knew the signs.  My life was in heaven when I started communicating with my old high school sweetheart, so I thought.  After about 6 months of communicating by phone, Internet and Im's we decided to meet again in person for the first time in 24 years.  I traveled back home and fell in love with her again.  After a month or so I asked her to come down and live with me, which she did.  After about 16 months we got married and I thought I had met the woman of my dreams. I always thought it was strange that her 15 year old daughter didn't live with her and when I came to visit her she never asked me to come to her house.  She never talked of a steady job only odd jobs here and there.  I was blind to her love and affection, as it was missing from my previous marriage.  After we got married her daughter moved down here from her Grandparents house and that is when I started noticing a change in my CHW.  She started going out a lot on her own, she would be out until 3:00am, she would shut her cell phone off, and when I would ask where she had been she would tell me "it was none of my business".  Christmas came and we bought gifts for our families, and then they turned up missing, her response was someone must have came in the house and stole them. "I do forget to lock the doors sometimes" she would respond.  Then jewelry came up missing, hers, her daughters and mine.  That's is when her daughter told me "My Mom smokes Crack"  I nearly died.  I then researched the Internet for signs of crack use and everything I found hit her to the "T".  I then made life truly miserable for her and her daughter, because I wanted them both out.  I made arrangements to have her daughter moved back to her grandparents house.  Then the CH told me she would never do it again which unfortunately I believed, and I started to let up on the harsh conditions.  Then I started reading my CH's e-mail and found that she was making plans to move back to her 4th ex husband's house.  No he is not a CH but he is 30 years old then her and he needs the care as he is in his 70's.  He also lets her do whatever she wants as long as she keeps his house clean, cooks and doesn't do drugs in his house.  I never let her know that I was reading her e-mails, lead her to believe I was reading her e-mails but I knew that if I continued to put the pressure on her she would leave.  The on March 18th, God was looking over me as she and her daughter left.  Her daughter is now supervised by her Grandparents but lives with her Mom at her ex-husbands house.  I am happier, I sleep better, I don't wake up in the middle of the night wondering if she has gotten arrested or sold our belongs.  She is now bothering me to release our only prize possession our loveable Lab.  I told her I would never give him up as what would she do if she needed a fix sell him.  I am fortunate that she applied for a County job, but came up hot for Cocaine and I told her I would use it to prove she doesn't have the responsibility to take care of him.  Now, I have been through the battles with a CH and I will never look at a person the same way as I never saw it in her to be a CH, she was beautiful, kind, sweet and loving but now I know that was just an act for her to use me as a mule.

 abnjudd  


-----Original Message-----
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 At work waiting for my husban to pick me up, but he never shows up. I was so worried sick. I looked out the window until I hear the car finally pull up in the driveway around 3am. That was the night I learned about my husband's Crack Addiction. Little did I know this would almost ruin me and my daughters life. I had heard of crakheads, but I thought my tough husband could beat it. He was wonderful in so many ways that I wanted to hold on. I lost TVS,VCRS,MONEY,FOOD, DAUGHTER'S VIDEOS, GAMEBOY,VACUUM, AND THE LIST COULD GO ON AND ON. after losing all that you'd figure I'd be tired, but I hung in there through mutiple trips to rehabs. Each time I'll allowed him to come home he would be clean for about a month or at least that when I would notice him getting high again. I finally had enough when he went to Georgia to stay with his brother and was doing good, until his first pay day. Well his brother put him out and he went to a shelter and someone helped he get a ticket back home. I stood firm on not letting him back in the house, but I stayed in contact with for a while until I realized he still was up to no good. After that we had no contact for about 2 months. I heard he had lost alot of weight and finally went into rehab again. Well this started the contact again, and the visits and the hope. I still refused to let him come stay with me, but the contact still kept me bound. He left rehab early, saying "It kept him too restricted, he wasn't able to make money like he needed to." So he went to a shelter and found a job and seemed to be doing good, but then came pay day. He lost his job and his place to stay in all in one weekend binge. He actually thought I was going to let him stay with me, but this was the last straw...He was in rehab for 7 months and came out and less then a month he's back out there. I am determined to have NO CONTACT. It's only been a week, but you have to start somewhere

Thanks,
Newlife


-----Original Message-----
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 My story is that of a 29 year old son who was diagnosed bipolar 9 years ago and has used alcohol and crack ever since to self-medicate.  Even though he seems fairly stable on the bipolar meds (Depakote and antidepressants), he continues use.  He has moved back home about six times during those 9 years; the longest period was 2.5 years.  He loses or quits jobs, gets arrested for stealing, DUI, etc.  I have found great help on this web-site and am now seeing an addiction counselor in an attempt to STOP my enabling.  My CHS is home now (past 9 months), still using and drinking, and I need to get him out.  Does the mental illness change the rules?  I'm thinking NOT.  From, M


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 
Hi Steve - here's my story to add.  Thank you!  - Claudine


When you surround yourself with GOOD people, GOOD things happen!!!

That quote was said many times over at our wedding, June 9, 2001, by my husband while I beamed at him with love and pride.  Now, almost five years later, he's a full-blown CH.  He just lost his job of 18 years, I'm filing for divorce and he is living with an alleged pregnant CW who he believes is carrying his child.  

My husband finally admitted to me in late March 20xx that he was on crack, after being dragged home by his true friends and two of his brothers while on a six-day binge.  He said he tried it about a year ago and he became an expert of hiding it from his family, his true friends and his co-workers.  When asked why he would EVEN try such a horrible drug, he simply said, "I just thought - what the hell".  His "what the hell" attitude is RUINING his life and trying to take ours down with him.  

I've read all these stories and my CH's behavior mirrors many of your stories and what I had went through the past year.  I was in the dark.  I thought his behavior was a result of depression, maybe even another woman, but CRACK never entered my mind.  CRACK was a street drug used by homeless people and whores, not by surburbians like us.  Before he used, my husband and I lived a content life - a nice house, three great kids, vacations and we both had great jobs with a comfortable salary.  This reality is not the reality that I bargained for but unfortunately, it is mine today.  

When my CH was dragged home back in March, he did admit that he was using, things were out of control (ya think!) and he wanted to stop.  He also admitted to having a "fling" with another woman - but it was a "one time thing" and he used protection. (yeah right!)  At that point, I bought it hook, line & sinker.  I was in savior mode.  I believed that he had a disease he could easily kick with professional help and my TLC.  I contacted his employer and asked they stage an intervention, which they did.  However, they sent him to an OUTPATIENT rehab which was a joke.  It was literally a 3 minute walk to his crack den.  When I would pick him up after work, he would be sitting outside the rehab all "jacked" up.  Of course he denied using and I was the one with ALL the problems.  A a couple of days later I found his crackpipe while cleaning and gave him an ultimatum - either he get straight, work his program or get out.  He left that very same day - April 21, 20xx.

A couple of days later, he called me at work to let me know that he didn't leave because of my ultimatum but because a CW called him and told him that she was pregnant - so THAT is why he left.  How's THAT to lift your self-esteem.  Anyhow, he lost his job last week because he never showed back up at the rehab, he lost his family and he'll lose everything else when I skin his ass in court.

I can't believe what he has become - what a waste of life!!!  He was an extremely gifted master carpenter, he was even Employee of the Year in 20xx (out of 5000+ employees).  He HAD the good life and sickens me to death he threw it all away for CRACK.

He HAS embarked on a new career though - check bouncing.  He managed to steal eight checks out of the checkbook that is tied into our joint account and as of today, CH bounced $800.00 and he only used THREE checks!  I had already closed the account - thanks to the good advice of my friends and the folks here on the discussion forum.  

While my CH was in treatment and lying to me day in and day out, I found Steve's website.  I printed out every page and read, and re-read, them all.  This site has been an enormous source of strength for me.  I am SURE I would have been in savior mode and being taken advantage of everyday by that CH, if I didn't find it.  Steve you are an angel and you have saved myself and my girls YEARS OF HELL ON EARTH.

I've been a zombie for the last couple of months, but with the help I'm getting here and my wonderful support of family and friends, I'm starting to see the light and I KNOW I'll be fine without him.  I am grieving the person he was but I realize that person is gone.  Tonight he called and I broke the NO CONTACT rule.  When he asked - more like slurred - how everything was with me, I replied- ever so kindly - "life is wonderful without you".  At that point he made allegations that I was cheating, but I smiled and shook my head.  Let the CW deal with his crap, I'm far above it.  

As simple as it sounds, let this be a lesson learned:

"When you surround yourself with BAD people, BAD things happen!"


From: 
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 My younger sister is 21 years old and she’s addicted to crack.  I don’t know when her life began to end like this, but I think it was really more than four years ago.  Her son is three years old, and it’s rare for him to even know if she’s coming or going.  Even at the tender age of three, he has realized that something is terribly wrong with his mommy, and he has begged her to stop.  Last summer I returned to my parent’s house because I was pregnant, and that’s when I first noticed her strange habits.  She had started working as a prostitute to pay for her habit.  She used to be a conservative dresser, but her pimp required her to wear see-through clothing, and short, tight clothes to showcase her body parts.  It was my older sister who identified the cigarette burns on our younger sister’s back as being a common mark on prostitutes who are addicted to drugs and abused by their pimp.  My sister used to be such an attractive young lady, but her addiction has forced her to stop bathing, her skin breaks out with ugly blisters and bumps, and her hair has been dyed to blonde and red so many times that it’s impossible to tell that she was a brunette.  Strange men call the house at all hours of the day and now it has become dangerous for me, because her pimp and other individuals have mistaken me for her.  I was approached at the gas station by one of her so-called friends, and I have every reason to believe that he was trying to scare me, and he wasn’t afraid of me knowing who he was.  I have seen her customers parked around the house…usually they are older white men, people that she wouldn’t talk to on a regular basis, and I know that her dealer hides her crack in a nearby fire hydrant or some place near the house.  It is truly unfortunate for her son because he loves his mommy, but she hangs out with all kinds of sick people and she catches colds from them, so her son always catches their illnesses.  I fear that she could be HIV + and if that’s the case, then it could be possible for her son to be infected.  To be honest, I don’t know what’s going on.  A long time ago someone asked me what I thought HELL would be like, and I explained that hell could only be where you’re watching your family and the entire communities suffer...  Watching my sister go from a beautiful young lady with potential to play in the WNBA, turn into a crack whore has me trapped in hell. 


-----Original Message-----
From: 
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I have an update to my story. I wrote a story on April 7th, 20xx. This is the story of how my Ex Crack head husband was doing so well and in sobriety.  HE relapsed on April 10th and overdosed on April 20th.  He is now in a drug induced coma and has brain damage.  HE has yet to wake up.  The tests found traces of cocaine and sleeping medication. I will never understand why this drug is so powerful. I think I have almost given up on searching for an answer.  I do know that he left two of the worlds most beautiful children alone without a father.  The last time a spoke with him before he relapsed was very painful.  He asked me back.  He had nine months clean and I considered it.  After I heard that he wanted me back I stopped and looked around to see what I had.  I looked at my children and thought how much better their life would be with their father and I back together.  But then the memories came back.  Lying, stealing, beating, cheating.  I knew that I could not go back with him because I have too many resentments. HE gave me two gifts (children's) but my love for him is not strong enough.  When he relapsed he went right back to being the crack head I knew.  He left threatening messages on my phone,  he would call my phone 100 times a day.  He overdosed on his sons 5th birthday.  I think I am rambling because I know deep in my heart that everyone on this website truly knows what I am going through. I hope he has found peace.  At least he is not suffering. 

 I think in a way I have some peace too in an odd way. I have survived!!!!!!! 


From: M
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 "Reformed Crack Addict"
By: M

It had been ages since she had pulled in the energy filled smoke
that got her high so fast
The forbidden feeling that didn't last
People were asking about her
Found her on the computer
She had been their classmate back in the day
They had points to prove and messages to convey
They made their inquiries
The whole time, overstepping the'r boundaries
As they kept bringing up things to make her feel
like her past was going to mess up her future and kill
Her chances to maintain friends or a job
You see, it was the gossip they used to rob
her of a normal life
Where people weren't cutting up her reputation with a knife
Then she accepted the fact that it wasn't their choice
But her own, to clarify who she was and use her voice
To help others overcome their addiction, the stigma, & the shame
Of having former crack addict as a name


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 My daughter is 33 yrs. old and a crack addict. At 23 she had a child and gave it up for adoption, she cleaned up and was clean for about 5 yrs. Got married and moved to Ca. Got divorced and went with another gentleman who did not drink or smoke, then something happened, I don't know what but she moved home 3 years ago and it has not been good. She married another CH got divorced, married another abusive man but not a CH. Got pregant, they split up, Mother and baby tested positive for crack, DCFS intervened, they gave the baby to me because of the domestic violence charges against the father, he took it to court and got the baby and I became the visitation supervisor. I worked 3 10 hr. days and had daughter and baby 3 1/2 days! He continued the verbal abuse, and just plain nastiness for the last 6 months, Mother gave me all the responibity of her and baby, while she played doting Mother. Well she went on another bing and then informed me she is pregant again and has once again fed a pour little baby crack cocain. I kicked her out of my house, so have also lost the baby to a very abusive man! I know I have done the right thing but it is so hard.

Gods will


-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

 This is the part that I love most in my life,  it’s funny saying that after all the pain that I endured living with my Ex crack head husband.  From him I have evolved into a very successful woman and mother and I thank him for that.

 Looking back, I don't even know when it started or what signs I saw first.  I just know it seemed that overnight JB (ex-CHH) went from this amazing, sexy, funny, successful, my best-friend, husband, father, employee to a worthless son of a b**** who had no feeling what so ever-ever.   When I met JB for the first time I was taken back with his charm and his zest for life. His laughter was what I heard first thing in the morning and the last thing before I fell asleep.  He was a dream come true.  He wanted me and was not afraid to show it.  He told me that I was his forever.  Of course our love brought us to marry and start a family.  We were the envy of all our friends for being almost perfect for each other.  I can’t put my finger on when or what the changes were, I just know that things changed so quickly that I lost sight of myself, and could not stop that downward spiral. Little things at first, him working late and not calling, money missing from our accounts, him taking my car to “fill up” and $100 later my car still had no gas.  In my mind I just figured that he became very irresponsible with money.  I never would have thought drugs.  I always had a vision of people that do drugs.  We were not that vision.  We lived in the suburbs, had a child, nice cars, nice house.  We had it all. Drugs were things that “dirty street thugs” did in the city.  I had a major accident involving my hand and was rushed to the hospital for surgery.   I was given pain medication for obvious reasons.  When I fell asleep at home I woke up with my husband gone and empty pills bottles.  When I confronted him he said that I took them right before I went to sleep.  The doctor was unable to write me another prescription because there is a law regarding the amount one person can have at any given time.  So I had to live with the most excruciating pain and take care of a six month old.  I remember finding straw’s and brillo and when I wanted to talk about my finding he would jump into his truck, one time he pinned me up against the house with his pickup and was shouting that he wouldn’t have to do this if I tried harder to be a better wife.  HE called me fat (I weight 110), he called me ugly, and he called me stupid and worthless. He would say anything to hurt me.  He would tell me that the crack whore were better for sex then what I could do for him.  The guns he began to pull on me or the shadows he saw on the walls from lack of sleep.  I stopped calling my friends to tell them what was going on.  I began lying about bruises and my crying fits.  I became just as addicted to him as he was to drugs.  He stripped me of every moral and characteristic that I had.  In my heart I knew I couldn’t save this man but I continued to try.  I took cooking classes, I worked out, and I tipped toed around the house while he slept for two days straight after his binges.  I became obsessed with cleaning and vacuuming the floors.  We tried going to marriage counseling but I was told that I nag too much.  If the counselor only knew what the truth was. From the marriage counselor I started listen to the deeper message.  That this marriage was not working.  After begging and pleading I was done.

I booked a trip for a last attempt to save our marriage.  I figured if we go to the one place on the planet that we loved most and maybe it would bring us back to together.  While we were sitting hand in hand on the beach, I looked at him, I mean really looked at him.  He lost so much weight that I didn’t recognize him.  His skin turned a yellow-orange.  His lips were swollen and looked blue.  This was not the man I loved or married.  This is a monster.  I gave him an ultimatum.  Me or drugs.  He cried and said to me that when we returned he would go to rehab. We made love that night like it was our first time together.  Like we were in love.  On the plane ride home he was so nice and just like he was before drugs.  The day after we returned I found an empty bottle of floor stripper which later I found out he drank because he couldn’t get a hold of his dealer.  That is that power of drugs.  When I saw that and his smirk on his face I slapped him.  I have never laid a hand on another human being but that night I was done.  I called the cops and they removed him from our home.  Two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant and filed a restraining order against him.  I can only imagine what hell he lived through while he was gone.  He tried breaking into our house; he would leave threaten messages on my phone.  He would show up at my work. He even called the cops on me, but that backfired and he was arrested for domestic violence.  The state I live in I was unable to divorce while I pregnant.  So I had to sit back and start my healing while fighting off the monster at my door.  I eventually had a beautiful baby and he missed the birth, he using still using very heavily when the divorce was final.  He had lost his wife and son and now baby girl.  He then proceeded to lose his house, car, money.  HE had nothing.  He was put in jail again for procession but was released.  It seemed that he was going to die a crack head.  But one day out of no where he came to me and asked to I would help him get into rehab.  I said “NO”.  That was the greatest feeling in the world. 

 Well, it is now nine months since he went into treatment.  HE is clean and doing well.  He is very active with the 12 steps and therapy.   I am proud of him.  However I have maintained my distance. I have moved on.  I have myself back.  As I said before I thank my ex-CCH for showing me that I have enough strength to do anything in this world.  I allow him to visit with the kids, who love him dearly.  When JB was in rehab my son said to me, “Mom, I was scared when you and daddy would fight” I told him that he would never have to be scared again.  I have been away from him for over two years and memories are still very clear.  I hope every day that he continues to grow with sobriety.  And he is the 1% that makes it.  How sad is that.  I feel sorry for him that his life ended up being a statistic. 

I know that I will never allow myself to be manipulated again.  


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Well I did it, after looking at your site for the last week, and realizing im not alone in this ive decided to tell a family member and I did, just a few minutes ago, I have been lying to all family members for a long long time about my CH husband, 13 years, well he's been on crack for 3 weeks strait now, im ready to stop my pain and divorce him. and get on with my life. thanks to this site for opening up my eyes so I don't have to be a victim anymore. between living with a Ch for 13 years and loosing my child to a drunk driver 2 years ago, I guess its time for me to go seek professional counseling also so I can live a healthy life and forget my past with a Ch for a husband.  and start to really spend time and get to know my other son i still have in my life who I never paid attention too and lived with my parents since birth, because id rather be with a Crack head and suffer. By the way im not a drug user, im a Pastor of all things. no more lies God, no more Lies, forgive me. Pastor S


-----Original Message-----
From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com; steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 
People tell me I'm lucky becuase I wasn't married to my CH, we didn't have kids together, and I got off "light" in that he left owing me around 4 grand and some random things he stole and pawned that weren't worth a lot to begin with, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I moved to a new town, was taking classes and living on campus, and working full time too. A friend introduced me to E who was his randomly assigned roommate and there were instant sparks. He wasn't the typical student, he was 40 and had served time in prison for embezlement, and there I was a little 25 year old smitten kitten:) We had intense conversations about everything under the sun, until the late hours of the night where we would sit and smoke cigarettes for hours at a time. He told me that a friend offered to sell him some ecstasy if I was interested and one of my friends kept telling me that I should try it, so I agreed (yeah, I fell for the peer pressure). Only then the 40 a hit (a ridiculous sum I learned), quckly became another 40 and another 40, etc. He kept telling me that he was afraid my friend (his roomie) would find out, so he would flush them down the toilet. Hah! Then his aunt died and he told me that all he really wanted was some pot to become more mellow. My ex was a big pothead, and I had smoked a few times with him, and I once again agreed. Before I knew it, he owed me close to $300 and then *BOOM* his mother gave me a check for the full amount.

 One night he came to me, and told me that he had problems with cocaine and it was what led him to robbing a bank. Yup, he did time for bank robbery, not embezelment. He played me like a fiddle, telling me that all the calling around about pot had put him in contact with his old dealers, who brought him coke and he used again, but he was going into rehab the next day. Let's just say that I heard that line several times over the next few months. Every time he would owe me over $500 his mother would show up with a check for me. Then she gave me a strong lecture, telling me that she would no longer pay me back and that if I gave him money, it was out of my own pocket. And yet he kept convincing me to loan him more and she's pay me back. Finally, finally, he went into rehab and we were all excited, except for me who he still owed several hundered dollars to. He left rehab after 3 weeks, and went into a halfway house. He told me that our relationship needed to be on hold so he could work on himself. A little over 2 months later, I left for a long weekend with friends and came home to a rambling message from him on my machine saying he'd call me back later, only to call back at 3 am. He needed money and I jumped into my "savior" routine, driving out in the middle of the night to meet him at an ATM. Two weeks later he had left the halfway house, moved in with me, and his mother gave me his half of the rent and utilities. The month he lived here was the hardest of my life. My landlord knew about his problem (friend of the family) and my neighbors were starting to talk about his coming and going in the middle of the night (which he would leave the doors unlocked because I never gave him a key). During that month, he conned me out of the thousands of dollars he now owes me, stole my ATM card and withdrew $300 (before I cancelled it) to buy crack for a party with his ex, convinced me that he had a new job and needed a $500 camera, and basically ruined my reputation. He left on a Thursday, saying his sponsor was taking him to detox, and no one heard from him for a week. He went into rehab, stayed one night, and left with the man who ran his halfway house. After that, he moved back to campus (in his old place where all the dealers knew) and never stayed clean again for more than a week at a time. His mom, his sponsor, everyone kept telling me not to worry about the money because as soon as his financial aid check came in, I was the top priority. I cut my Christmas at home short (I live about 12 hours from home) because he called to tell me that they had found a "mass" on his lung and he wanted me to go to the doctor with him. Cut to him needing $20 for the copay but not wanting anyone with him! This was right about the time that he stole some DVD's, CD's, and a portable CD player from me but he swore he was just borrowing them (never got them back). The downfall was New Year's Eve, we made plans to spend time together, and instead his sponsor called to ask if I could possibly put a rental car for E on my credit card. SUpposedly an old friend had called for E to come visit and had wired the money here. I agreed (I'm a moron!), and met them at the rental place. Cut to sponsor telling me that the money wasn't here "yet", E getting the car, and disappearing. My mom was ready to get in the car and drive all the way here. I drove to the worst places imagainable looking for him. The car wasn't returned, I knew where he was, and I called the campus housing with a sob story about how he had been depressed and now wasn't answering his phone, and they "broke" in, to find him getting high with some chick and another guy. Cut to me slapping him (its about time) in the middle of the room as the woman tried to pretend everything was fine. He told me some "bad guys" were bringing the car back and I needed to go away for ten minutes. Instead I waited 8 sitting in my car outside his dorm (no one came) before making him get in the car. Turns out the chick is a 20 buck a trick crackwhore who he and his "buddy" had picked up the night before along with another CW and a stripper. She told me things too graphic to write here, just use your imagination. We finally got the car back, only to have it take anouth $50 to fill it up. 4 guys broke into his house that night along with the neighbor's and he called, wanting a place to stay. Again, I drove out in the middle of  the night only to have him change his mind and send me home. Cut to his mother calling to talk to him because he told her he was staying with me (3 days later) and him disappearing. One week later he calls to tell me he's in rehab in Georgia. I later learned he was really only an hour away. I got 2 phone calls, and one email from him since he's been gone, and that's it. I got my VCR back from his mother (everything else was gone) and a "well I warned you" kind of speech, as she told me that she could no longer afford to support him. Cut to now (2 months later) where she's set him up with a checking account, a cell phone, and a brand new apartment since he left rehab.  Maybe I did get lucky, but it doesn't feel that way. When I asked, he admitted to sleeping with 6 other women while we were together, but I know it was a lot more. In less than a month, I'm moving out of this town and apartment with all tis bad memories to a place and a new job, and a chance to start over again. I still remember him telling me that we had a long term friendship, that he'd still be in my life 10 years from now, but he walked away from it all. I guess that's what hurts, that I never had a chance to vent about all the stuff he put me through. But I do know that he isn't serious about working a program like he told everyone(except me), because if he was, then he'd need to make amends for those he hurt, and he never has. I also know that he'll never get better because with his mother constantly enabling him, he'll never hit rock bottom.

 Thanks for letting me share.


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: RE: Submit My Story

 HI, my names laura, and my crack head is, my own mother. Who what of thought that my own mother would do this to herself and others. Everyone says she has been doing this ever since I was a baby and you know what.........I believe them. My mother has been in 4 rehabs and every single one, has not helped. She doesnt even want to help herself at all, and I am tired of watching her do this to herself everytime I see her. I usually dont see her for a week and when she does come to visit me and her grandson who is almost 2, she its only about a couple of hours and once a week. I am not going to have this around my son anymore and myself.! My mother already got my brother taken away from her, who is only 14, and is now living with his aunt. My brother hates her and is soo angry that she is not around! Its soo sad to see such a young boys mother not around for him and to see any of his football games! He is soo upset:( We all are. My mother cannot see my brother anymore because of her addiction to crack. My dad is the enabler here. He just gave her 10 dollars the other day to go get gas she said' and cigarettes, and she never came back with car and is still gone its now been 4 days. My dad says he's leaving and has his stuff packed but he never does leave, i wish he wouold becasue, he is the only one giving her money. I dont know if he will ever learn? I hope he gets out of there while he can, he loves my mother very much still obviously, but i think he needs to leave the house before she will hit rock bottom. Every time i here the phone ring i think its my dad going to say my  moms hurt or dead. Its soo sad to think but its happening and i am not going to sit here and let her lie to me again. She is soo dead to me! Its sad to say but thats what I think now.:( I have no mother, and i need a mother sometimes to talk to and confide in but i dont and i will have to live with that. I am going to stop talking to my mom when she comes home from her binges, I will not tolerate it no more. She pushed everone away from her,even her friend she knew for her whole life. My mother blaims it on her mothers death, but that was 5 yrs ago! Its not that shes sad, SHES JUST ADDICTED TO THE CRACK!!! Theres no excuses for it at all. I am glad i have this under control, now i wish my dad would. He works very very hard ,overtime too just to pay bills for my moms and his apartment and car. All my mom does is steal the car during the night and take money from my dad and use it to get crack! She doesnt do it at there house ,she goes to crack houses and smokes it with men, i wunder if she has a disease yet? Or if she prostitues for the drug or money? I hate to think this but its happening NOW. I wish she would just go to a rehab to live or stay longer than 4 months. I dont quite honestly know if it will help her at all, shes soo addicted to crack. Every time i see her she looks like crap, and tired, she is also always eating ice chips all the time like she has cotton mouth. I am sick of worrying about her all the time, im glad i dont live with her, i live on my own , i am almost 21 now and live a ways away from her, i moved recently beacuse i counted on her and she was never there when i needed her help with something or i needed a ride to the store to get diapers or something, so thats why i have moved recently away from her and her abusing herself. I wont watch it happen anymore! She never even came to her grandsons 1st birthday party becasue she was gone getting high on crack. That made me soo anry and still does till this day! I love my mom but i wish she would just hit rock bottom  SOON! I dont know what that will take for her either. She recently stole one of my child support checks from my father which is seventy dollars and spent it on crack and had my brothers father lie to me and gave me seventy dollars out of his own check. But my bros father told me that she spent it on crack which i did not know at the time and thye seventy was from his pocket which he had worked for. That was the last draw, now i willnot talk to my mother at all! The only thing i want a call saying is that i am going to get help! I hope my father learns one of these times and gets out while he can! I am soo glad i am still with my sons father and we are living happily together away from where my mother lives and all that chaos! Gladly my b/fs family lives around here so they can help us out when we need it.:) My advice to people with crack heads is to watch ur money and get out while u can, You cant change them ,They have to Want to Change themselves!


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

 I thought I could help a crack addict. I was wrong. He has been an addict for 20 plus years. I allowed him to move into my home because he was homeless. In 9 months I was in $35,000.00 worth of debt because of him.  He is the most self centered selfish person I have ever known.  He does not accept resposibility for his actions. Everything is always someone elses fault. He has a way of making you think that he does no wrong. My advice to anyone that meets a crack head is run. He does not mean you any good. He will lie, steal and do what ever to get what he wants. Like a fool I co-signed for a vechicle. I cannot get the vechicle because it is just as much his as it is mine. He is homeless but he has a brand new vechicle to drive. How sad.  When someone warns you about a crack head-listen. They know what they are talking about.  I did not listen. Had I listened  I would be a lot richer. The following phrase was spoken to me:  ONCE A CRACK HEAD ALWAYS A CRACK HEAD!!. This statment is very true in my case.  I wish there was a way I could warn other woman about this worthless individual.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: churches & addictions

 
Steve, I keep reading your book over and over again and I just had to give you this feedback.  Do you know why I didn't leave 11 years ago and why it took me 7 years to leave and then after that why I continued to be supportive of my CH?  MY CHURCH.  My church played such a big part in making me feel so guilty for leaving my marriage.  When I asked him to leave & we separated.  They held it against me.  I was 3 mos pregnant w/ no job as I had been placed on medical leave and bed rest my entire pregnancy.  I had his two children from a previous marriage and my daughter and there was no way to support them.  They church turned against me, I kid you not.  They believed everything he said to them and I was the bad guy.  They refused to help me but they found a place for his children and they helped him get into another facility and helped him get a job working for the church.  Get the picture.  They had nothing to do w/ me.  After we got divorced, some well meaning christians who were still talking to me encouraged me and told me that God could restore the marriage and I continued to be supportive of him for another 4 years.  You would think that I would have learned my lesson.   Sometimes churches get involved in lives that have addictions and they are clueless as to what they are doing.  I finally figured that out.   They shoved those marriage vows in my face for better for worse for richer for poor in sick and in health, etc.  I kid you not.  If I had it to do over again I would say the heck w/ your vows and your hypocritical christianity.  But bottom line it was me - I wanted to believe different.I wanted to do the right thing. I didn't want to be CURSED by God like they told me because God HATES DIVORCE. 
There's much more that this church did but I believe they played a big role in me staying in that awful situation for so long.

From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Storytory

 Hi Everyone, First and most, I want to thank Steve and all of you for this sight.My story is just like everyone elses. I have been with this Ch for 7 lonely and sick years. Oh,yes.I said sick years because that is what we are also.my Ch had been clean this last time for almost 2 years. You would think after 7 years of him being in and out of hospitals and rehabs I would have gotten it by now?? Wrong!!! I always thought with my love and support he could lick this addiction.They cannot with your help.All you do is make yourself as sick as they are.This is your addiction.I have done things to so call help him that a normal person would think I was the crazy one.I think just like the addict, we need help to get through this insanity. My Ch has been gone for almost 3 weeks and it has been the most peaceful 3 weeks of my 7 year relationship.Without reading your letters I would never have found the strength to stop this insanity.I know he will call again and try to scam his way back home ,but I must have the strength to say no more.We can only help each other and the Ch must find his own way.My awakening to this is this little 3 year old child.I am a manager at a retail store and this little child was brought to me.Someone had found her wandering by the store. I called the police because who knows how long she had been missing.I asked a lady that lived in the neighborhood if she had ever seen this child.The lady said yes and her mother never watched her kids.The police waited and the lady brought the mother to pick up her child.She said her other child which looked about 6 was supposed to be watching her.Then 5 days later this same child showed up again hungry,dirty.I called the police again and I went with them to the apartment office.They all knew the child and they said they saw the mother leave a few hours ago.We then talked to a neighbor and she informed us that the mother was on crack and we could find her at this crack house.This woke me up.This drug is so powerful . Leaving your 3 year old alone.What else would a ch do.It scared me how I have put myself in this situation.My life means something just like that little girls did.Thank you all for you stories.They are helping me know that I am not alone.Suzy


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Hi Everyone,

My story is a little different. Well the beginning isnt any different.

My CH did all that a ch does to the ones that love him but I smartened up after too many wasted years and kicked his ass out. After that I left his ass in jail and refused to contact his family for him. He wasted his one call a day on me for a few days until he smartened up and called his sister. They called me and I said I knew and that I was sick of them and myself all picking up and dusting off his sorry ass everytime he fell. They finally got it.

 Its 8 and a half months later and he is still in active recovery. He went into his in house 3 month program and is attending AA meetings but I am not here to tell you that recovery is possible and for you all to have hope. I am here to tell you that even after almost 9 months clean I still get sick to my stomach when he is late, I still question the money and wonder if he scammed some somewhere. I still try to listen in on his conversations and I still want to check where he is when he is out. My point being is just cause they get clean doesn’t mean that our lives go back to happily ever after. I will continue to worry about him for the rest of our lives together. I don’t want to have any kids with him cause what happens if he goes back. I don’t do anything legal or finacially with him incase…

I just want you to all know that even if you have hope and by the grace of God they get and stay clean that you are still living with a ch they are just clean chs for the time. If I do stay I will be worried FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE that he will relapse and that makes me just as stupid as when I stayed when he was using.

It a hard road being with an addict. Recoverying or not.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Hi. I am the wife of a crack addict. My life has finaly bottomed out but I don't think my ch has hit bottom yet.....I have lived for 11 years with this horrible addiction and the monster it has created.....My ch has recently lost his job of 13 years, lost custody of his children from his previouse marriage, tried to comit suicide 2 times in the last year...and I finaly had to put him out of our home which we are about to loose....he has been gone for 5 weeks and is staying with his sister whom is keeping him from hitting rock bottom, while I am at home struggling with bills and trying to find somewhere else to live he is going to the movies, playing golf and hanging put in the bar.....I guess he still doesn't want to get help....myself and my children are left trying to pick up the pieces of our broken lives and struggling in counceling. He has been undependable, selfish and still only thinks of himself even now.....I wonder if he ever even loved us.......I wonder if he cheated on me during all the long overnight binges.........I just hope that I can move on and put my life back togather.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email

 Hello Steve:

I have a story that was recently told to me by a retired Homicide detective. ( A friend)  I had related to him about our son and through the years he has always helped us to maintain our sanity through out our ordeal.  The reason he told me this was because I had told him of your site and by reading the discussion group postings and stories submitted I finally realized what my son was and how I had finally let go.  He agreed and was very happy to know that I had made this commitment.

He said that he and his group were called to a home where a young man had killed his mother.  He was a Crack Addict and his mother was a single mom and worked very hard to raise this young man.  She drove a taxi at night and enabled her son through out his addiction trying to heal him and taking the burden of his addiction.  Before her all night shift her son asked for $138.00 and she gave it to him and of course the reason for it was he owed a debt and was going to get hurt if not paid back.  This young person then promptly went and bought crack and smoked as she was working which was his way of life.  She returned home in the morning and started to prepare breakfast for him before she went to bed.  He was on a downer after smoking the crack and didn’t want to go through the ordeal of asking her again for money so he took a frying pan and hit her on the head as she was cooking his food. She died right there.  He took what money she had and bought himself more crack.  He didn’t want to look at her so he placed her body in the bathtub and left her there for 4 days.  In the meantime as there wasn’t any other bathroom other than where his mother was  he went to the  bathroom in the garbage can in the kitchen and it was getting very nasty smelling with the body, feces, and urine.  He decided that it was not that comfortable any longer so he called the police to report that he had killed her.  This detective explained to me that he was the mildest most polite criminal he had ever encountered and did not hesitate for one minute to admit his guilt.  He is currently serving his sentence out and is doing very well in prison.  His warning to me as I had always stated how my son was not violent and would never hurt me was by telling me this story.  He stated, to meet this young man  that killed his mom you would never believe  he was capable of doing such a horrible deed but the crack rules in these cases not the heart and this is not an isolated case, it happens all the time.  They turn on their enablers as that is what they encourage them to do.

 I don’t know if this is too graphic to post but I thought you would find it interesting.


The following is a transcript of a real phone call. Mrshoney97 and Bill are husband and wife. The have a two year old daughter, Beth. Slimthug is Bill's crack head brother.
 

From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Re: story...

 Steve, how appropriate that I just wrote you the other day.  My husband and I had a confrontation with our CH tonight and thought I would pass it on to you.  I am sure it follows the pattern you are familiar with.  Keep in mind that my brother in law is supposed to be turning himself into police for a probation violation because he knows he needs to change.  At least that is what my in-laws believe.  I wanted to pass this on to you in case it might help someone else.  Here is our conversation.  I have changed the names, however.  Thanks again for your website!! (he is slimthug and I am mrshoney97)

  SlimThug11111 [9:10 PM]:  hi how are u
SlimThug11111 [9:10 PM]:  doing
Mrshoney97 [9:10 PM]:  I am doing fine and you?
SlimThug11111 [9:10 PM]:  i am doing ok just hanging out
SlimThug11111 [9:11 PM]:  ummmmmmm tomarrow night me and Jane want to come over and see beth

SlimThug11111 [9:11 PM]:  if that is ok
Mrshoney97 [9:12 PM]:  hang on a sec ok?
SlimThug11111 [9:12 PM]:  ok
Mrshoney97 [9:17 PM]:  sorry about that... hang on a second... Bill wants to talk to you...
SlimThug11111 [9:17 PM]:  ok
Mrshoney97 [9:19 PM]:  Hey Jon.  This is Bill.  With all the shit going on right now, now is really not a good time to come and see Beth.
SlimThug11111 [9:20 PM]:  fuck it then i just wanted to say hey but fuck it that is all i have to say to u for real
Mrshoney97 [9:21 PM]:  I know that might make you mad, but after things are settled down, then we can talk about it. 
SlimThug11111 [9:21 PM]:  fuck u
Mrshoney97 [9:22 PM]:  Sorry you feel that way.  I love you. 
SlimThug11111 [9:22 PM]:  well fuck u and fuck ur wife too
SlimThug11111 [9:24 PM]:  i just want to let u know that just cause u have a house and a family doesnt mean u are better than me and with that what u said now i no that u are not any better than i am
Mrshoney97 [9:26 PM]:  Dude, I am making the choices that are right for me and my family.  I am really sorry that you feel that way.  We love you and want the best for you.  Maybe someday you will understand that. 
SlimThug11111 [9:28 PM]:  u guys dont love anyone but urselves so just stay away from me because i now know how u guys are selfish little people but that is ok one of these days u will relize that
Mrshoney97 [9:29 PM]:  I really am sorry that you feel that way. 
SlimThug11111 [9:31 PM]:  i am sorry that u dont love anyone but urself and with u sayin the things that u are i really know how u guys feel about me and i cant change that so lets just not talk ever again and dont think i will forget about this because i wont and dont act like u have never done anything wrong because u have and ur not perfect either whatever u think
SlimThug11111 signed off at 9:33 PM


From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Cc:
Subject: Submit My Story

 This is a story about friendship, loyalty, love and drug addiction.  Although those things seem to be an oxymoron, it is true that addicts are the best manipulators and many of them suffer from mental disorders in combination with their drug abuse.  I am an alcoholic who is in recovery. I also suffer from bipolar disorder. Both diseases are in my immediate family. My father died from cirhosis of the liver and my mother suffers from bipolar disorder. Needless to say, I didn't have a very easy childhood. Who has? And, why does it matter once we're adults anyway.  Once we are old enough to take care of ourselves, many of us repeat what we are familiar with.  Some of us have the courage to choose something different after having tempted fate and discovered that is not the life we want for ourselves.  The end result is not at all fulfilling.  I have been around a lot of drug abusers.  House wives taking vicodin and other prescription drugs to methadone to heroine.  I've dated a man that used crack and I was too naive to figure it out until I was raped in the ass by him. He claims he doesn't remember. I was drunk and I remember.  He use to go into the backroom with some of his friends and I never went in there to see what was going on. I always thought he was showing off his gun collection. Sometimes I would hear a clicking sound and I always thought it was the sound of the unloaded gun clicking. I am not a street person.  However, I have learned a lot from my "friends" that have been out there. I use to work for a woman that is now in jail for possession of crack and uttering (bad checks). I worked a legitimate job for her cleaning houses. She ran the business and now I now she was running a harem as well. Fortunately, I have never tried crack, cocaine, acid, crystal meth, ketamine, ecstasy, or any other illicit drug other than marijuana. I personally believe that marijuana could be used as a mood stabalizer, a cure for glaucoma, and that it relieves nausea for cancer patients. I know my own story as well as a lot of other stories that have affected me because I have been an enabler to many not even realizing it.  I am currently writing a book about this. Currently, I am helping my neighbor raise his children because his wife (one of my friends) left him for crack.  She was on heroin and her kind husband tried to rehabilitate her via a naltroxene patch. After she returned from the clinic opiate free, she never even went to a meeting, but went to her so called "friends" house to try a new drug. That new drug was crack. She was on heroin for two years and never left her children, husband, and home!  But once she tried crack, she was gone... She is not even the same person anymore. It makes me nauseaus. All of this insanity has helped me to realize that I must hang on to my sobriety with all of my heart and soul because that could be me. I'll submit my story more later if you're interested. Liz


-----Original Message-----
From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SUBMIT STORY

 Well I've gone through and read all these stories and I can't believe I'm not the only one going through this. I've been with my crack addict almost 4 years now. I

had just gotten out of a long term relationship and during the grieving process, I met a wonderful, charming guy who paid so much attention to me, I fell head over heels for him almost immediately, it was like taking my first hit and I was addicted. The warning signs started immediately..he told me he was a drug dealer and needed money because some addicts were threatening him. I never gave it to him. I never gave him money. He would get so angry with me  and started hreatening me. But I never gave in.. Soon I started getting suspicious about him because he would go from his usual hyper self to calm and paranoid. I thought it was strange he was always sweating, screaming out in his sleep, jaw grinding, paranoia..until one of his friends clued me in to his addiction. He of course told me he had it under control. I decided I loved him so much and that I could help him! Wrong! I did everything that I could, now I look back and realize it was enabling. I would go to meetings with him, let him stay at my place..he never ever pawned my stuff or stole my stuff in the 4 years we've been together, I got lucky there...but he pawned off his moms, siblings and his own stuff for crack. Of course nothing worked and soon my life was consumed with his "problem" that very much became my problem. But still...I love him sooo much so how could I abandon him? What if he overdosed and died? He'd go on his 7 day binges, he never left his home to  binge, he'd sit in his  basement and do it there and call me every half hour to make sure I didn't go anywhere. I started to feel like I was in a prison. I went out anyways, I mean, I felt so lonely...so I'd go out with my friends or shop...and always got in trouble for it later..he really expected me to sit at home and take his calls. Anyways, things got worse for us..and for him as this addiction progressed. He would call me and ask if I called the police because he saw them at his house, they had his house surrounded! When really, there was no one there. I'd have conversations with him on the phone, and it was impossible because he'd start screaming at the "beings" and "shadows" he saw coming out from behind furniture or dancing on his walls..then start throwing things at "them". In the past month alone he's binged almost everyday..he stopped by and passed a guy in my apartment building and he accused me of sleeping with this guy I never seen before. He verbally abuses me almost everyday..he admitted to me that he loves hurting other people emotionally by putting them down, or robbing them, because he has so much pain inside of him that he wants others to know what its like to feel pain.. Last week he started throwing up blood, but it didn'treally bother him, he won't go see a doctor. This entire week he's decided he's serious about getting help and went to a doctor to get into a program..well everyday now he's been putting it off as I expected. I finally told him I can no longer live like this and will leave him if he doesn't get into treatment. He told me that if I leave him he will kill me. So this is where things stand right now. Honestly, for ANYONE involved with a crack addict and you are just getting into it, if you believe you can help them, you can't. If you believe you won't be lonely and miserable being with a person like this, you will find out just how much more lonely it is being with them than being alone is..and you don't know misery until you've been with a crack addict. In the 4 years we've been together, I think I've been happy a total of maybe 20 times. Thats it. Get out now while you can, I know you've all heard this so many times! But I look back and wish I had gotten out a lot sooner, I'd be over it by now and happier. But I still haven't wasted my life on this man, and I still have a chance to get out..I just have to be careful now because he threatened my life. This guy obviously doesn't love anyone or anything else but his drug. And I realize I never really had him in the first place, its like dating a zombie. I read the book, Crack Reality..Your Guide to Emotional Freedom and its what also made me decide that I'm outta here...theres no hope and no chance with a person like this. I wish you all the best!


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I hate anyone dealing with this horrible addiction but I am glad to know I'm not the only one going crazy dealing with someone on the drug. I have been with a guy for about 4yrs off and on now that is a crack addict. Not knowing how bad off he was with the drug, I soon began to learn and so my life of hell began. So heres my story.....We started off as friends for a while back in 2001. I knew he had problems with drugs but I was not aware of how bad of a problem he had with it. We went a while without talking to each other and one day I received a phone call from him. He began telling me he had been in a Christian rehab for a while and had gotten his life back on track. We decided to see each other and see how things went. Months later,  both being 18 and right out of high school, I became pregnant. He was still doing well, not drinking, going to church and things seemed really well. We were both excited about the baby and I felt this would also keep him on the right track for whatever reason. I figured his flesh and blood who wouldn't stay clean for that. 3 months pregnant and down the road we went. He started using again, we never spoke and then one day 5 months pregnant I found out he went to Shock Incarceration and would be there for a while. Needless to say he was never there the whole time I was pregnant. I received 2 letters from him during this time and I wanted to believe so much of what was in those letters. Of course it was... I don't want to go back to that life,I have changed and I loved him so much that I believed it. He saw his daughter for the first time when she was 2 mths old. in June of 2003. By December of 2003 he was using again. He started seeing someone who was just as much into as he was, so the first year he didn't see much of his daughter. I'm still not sure if he ever acknowledged he had one. He always came back and forth. When my daughter turned one he started coming back around. It was always I'm doing good. He was such a manipulator and such a great liar u always believed him. From June to November things were going well. I always slept with my keys, my purse, and I always was second guessing him on everything. I didn't trust him, I wanted to but couldn't. One night in November we were sitting at the house getting ready for bed and then next thing I knew I was calling the cops. While I was getting my PJs on he said he was going outside to smoke a cigarette and when I went outside my car was gone. He had stolen my keys and purse. 3 days later I found it at a crack house. He sold my 20,000 dollar car for some crack. When I got it back there was nothing left. It had been stripped of everything and the smell of crack just sat inside it. Eventually they found him and I pressed charges. He went to jail for 9 mths waiting for his court date. Me being the forgiven person dropped charges after those 9 mths.  When he got out, 2 weeks after his daughters 2 bday, we were one happy family again. I was the one with a house, job, by this time a new car, and money.....he had nothing. I was the one covering 2,000 dollars worth of forged checks but yet I loved him for whatever reason. So things went good for about 6 mths. and 5 days before X-mas we were all asleep, or so I thought and when I woke up I found him gone and my new car. He called me shortly after I was awake begging me not to call the cops. When he came back he was with a Tow Truck. My car was burnt...caught on fire going to the crack house cause he was drunk and ran into a ditch. We started fighting he threw me on the couch and my daughter saw it all. He tried calling the cops on me for hitting him. The cops came, I had to do the warrant the next day, and they took him home but threatened to arrest me for hitting him. He promised to go to rehab and I gave him that options. I loved this man and he was sick but He had to be the one to get the help that he needed. I thought he was going to rehab but instead he skipped town shortly to come back and call me to see about seeing his daughter. YEAH RIGHT!  The cops are not trying to find him for the second car and this time he can rot in Prison for a few years. I never thought I deserved any better and I loved this guy the father of my child. But the only thing he knows how to love is CRACK and noone else. Just get out while you can. Get out before your in so much debt you can't get out of it. And the hardest thing for me is I thought I was doing the right thing staying with him for my daughters sake and now I know I'm doing the right thing for her by staying away. Next he would have sold her for it and They will do whatever it takes cause they only care about CRACK......NOTHING ELSE. I feel better for sharing my story..thank you and for everyone just stay strong and live your lives and let them deal and suffer for what they do instead of you.

Just Realizing


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I am 23 years old, and have been in a relationship with a CH for over 7 Years.  We have a 6 year old son together.  When I first found out that he was smoking crack was 6 years ago when I was about 8 months pregnant with our child.  He began to not come home until late hours of the night and would come up with stories about owing someone money and if he didn’t pay he would get hurt. 

 When I had my son, my mom convinced me for the sake of my child to leave him and come stay with her until he was able to get clean.  It was at that time that everything that he owned vanished, his vehicle was repossed and he had no where to go.  I left him and had no contact for 3 years.  It was very hard because  for me being young and having a child I wanted everything to be OK and for my son to have his father.

 During this 3 year period he had been to prison for a year, in which he could have gotten probation but he asked the judge to sentence him, because he knew in order to get me back he would have to clean up his life.  When he got out he tried to contact me several times, but I ignored his calls and would think of how selfish he was during my pregnancy.  At that point he got a very good job, and another vehicle and seemed to be doing very well (as far as his mother could tell) he kept this job for 2 years seemed to really enjoy it and was taking care of himself for a change.  I began to let him visit our son a couple times a week then eventually we ended up getting back together.

Everything was perfect, coming home on time giving me his paycheck at the end of the week spending as much time with our son as he could    AND THEN ……

I started to wake up in the middle of the night to my car being gone, and him not being there.  The excuses started up again saying that he had to help a friend or etc. He wasn’t bringing home money anymore having great excuses as to why they shorted him on his check, he didn’t need to give me his money ….

I kicked him out, just to let him come back because I felt like I was hurting our child for taking him out of his life once again.

 Things again started off well, until we couldn’t afford the rent and we moved 3 times in less than a year.

Then the unthinkable happened I took up a part time carrier route at night to bring in extra money because I have been raised to know that in order to get what you want out of life you have to work for it.

This one night I woke up to leave for my night 3: oo am job, everything was fine everyone was asleep as usual when I left, when I finished 2 hours later I came home to noticing that the back door was open I was so scared I ran upstairs to check on my boyfriend and child to notice that no one was there but my child.  I was devested to know that he left our child there alone unattended and no one to go to if had woken up.

Not to mention he took the most valuable possessions from the house with him.

That was the last straw.  I then knew he was no good for me or our son.

It is hard for me to explain to my son why he can’t see his father anymore; it’s harder to know that because of my hope of him being who he once was, put my child in danger. 

Please know that, at 23 years old I have found that you can not help someone that does not want to help themselves, you have to turn your back completely in order for the person to want to seek help.

I found that forgiving him for what he had done to me only made it ok for him to smoke crake again and again.

I used to believe that it was an addiction and once he smoked it he could not help himself, which still maybe so.  But what keeps me strong is knowing, that as he is picking up the things to sell, to get crack as he is driving

To the ATM to take out money that doesn’t belong to him or that he didn’t help contribute to

HE WAS SOBER!


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hello everyone,

    First off I wanted to thank Steve for this wonderful web site, I have found myself unable to stop reading it for the past 6 hours now. For some reason all the painful stories have compelled me to write a little of my own.

    My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years, I'am a 29 year old mother of 3 beautiful children...and my husband is addicted to crack. He wasnt always on crack, his addiction started about 5 1/2 years ago when I allowed my brother in law from Missouri to stay with us. I had no idea when I said he could come stay, that decision would change our lives forever. His brother was a CH, I of course had no idea or he would not have been allowed in my home. All I know is after 6 months, they started staying out all night, my husband started missing work, money started dissapearing like wildfire, and the lies...ohhh the lies started. One afternoon after they had both returned from a long night out and had "crashed", I started going through pockets. In my husbands coat pocket I found an empty cellophane cigarette wrapper with yellowish residue in the bottom, I stuck my finger in it and touched it to my tongue, it went numb. Now I was pretty clueless when it came to this stuff, but I knew that wasnt a good sign, I called a girlfriend and she said it was probably coke or crack...at this point my mind was blown.

    When I confronted him, he denied it, but soon broke down and admitted that he had tried crack a few times but in no way was addicted and assured me that he had it all under control. I immediatley threw his brother out of my house, thinking that this would solve all our problems.....oh BOY was I wrong! Needless to say its been 5 years and after numerous jail sentences, hospital trips, threats from dealers, thousands of dollars stolen and smoked up, and nothing but lies and deception, I think its clear that he does not have it under control, nor will he ever. My husband is what you call a "functional addict," he keeps a job (barely), he is a binge user, usually going on binges from 2-4 days, and when he runs out he drinks so he doesnt have to deal with coming down (makes tons of sense to me). I tried to stick by him, through all the horrible, things he has done to my children and I, through all the possessions pawned, bill money stolen, bad checks written, and all the trust that is lost forever. It is an exhausting life, living in a world where your basically  sleeping with the enemy ( when he sleeps), sleeping with your purse under your pillow or taking your wallet into the shower with you, it's insanity. And when he disspears again for days, and your wondering if he is dead or in jail and  though you wont say it out loud you secretly wish he was dead, just to free you from this hell he has brought upon your lives. All the while trying to maintain as normal an environment as possible for your 3 children, its just draining. Well, in 2004 I finally had enough I was at my mothers house and got a call saying that he had been transported to the hospital and to meet him there, he had apparenty tried to make homemade methamphetamine to shoot up, since he didnt have money for crack. Well he didnt get the recipe right because he injured himself severely. This was comical to me because he had already done that twice before, so it was old hat. What I didnt realize,however, was that he had been cooking it in front of my kids while I was at work . My oldest son told me about the strange smelling fumes coming out of the kitchen that made him cough. I lost it, I mean if you want to kill yourself thats one thing, but your not gonna kill my kids by having a make-shift methlab explode in my kitchen!!!!

    I left that very day, packed nothing but our clothes and left every single posession we had and moved in with my mother. I had been working part time at a convienence store to make ends meet when I left, but this job would not provide a life for me and my children. Seeing as I had been a house wife since the age of 18, I had "0" reputable skills, bad credit, and very little money, I soon realized that if I was going to leave him for good, I had to make some changes in my life. So at the age of 29, while living with my mother, I am going back to school to get my degree. My husband and I are "friendly", and when he is not using I let him spend supervised time with his kids, he pays me child support so I dont have to work while I go to school as long as I play  accountant and manage his money( I dont give him money EVER)  so he doesnt wind up homeless by spending it all on crack. He still gets money somehow, always does, and I know I'm enabling him right now by taking care of his money for him, but at this point I dont care!   Yes, I'am using him, but I feel I'm entitled after everything he has done to us. He tells me now that he only smokes crack because I wont come back to him and if I do he will never touch it again, but my question is, we werent enough to keep him off drugs while we were together so why would it be any different now? I'm still waiting for the answer, all he knows is thats it's not in any way his fault....it never is and it never will be!

I still love him with all my heart, but you gotta know when to waive the white flag, because its a losing battle, and you dont want to go down with the ship!

CPK

Summerville, SC