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From:  
Sent: To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Steve,

 I am so so happy I found your site, and I think it is so informative. I also wanted to tell my story to maybe get feedback from people and to also just get it off my chest. I meet my hubby 2 years ago in November. I already had a now 4 year old, and we knew we wanted to have a baby. Well 7 months, and 1 surgery later I am finally pregnant!!! We were so excited!!! I found out in April that I was 4 weeks, and in May everything went to hell!!!! Jake had his own business, and so when he said he had to measure a house (roofing) I always said ok. He started getting home later, and later. I started feeling so bad because he "worked" so hard and long!! I would fix his favorite meals, and he would not hardly touch it. Then he would wake up in the middle of the night and go outside to "think", smoke cigs., or because he could not sleep. He started to get so distant, and talked to me like crap!! Especially when I asked for money to pay for the house bills. I usually got "I just gave you money; what did you do with it." Which was a big fat lie because he did not give me money. Well we started fighting worse, and he started staying out all night long. I orginally thought he is cheating on me because I am not feeling that good because of the pregnancy. Then on Mother's Day I figured it out; I told him when he got home that evening he would be taking a drug test. OF course, I waited and waited and he NEVER came home. I was so sick on my stomach with worry. He finally got home at 5:00 in the morning, and we sat down to talk. He said "You are right about me doing drugs, I am addicted to crack". I just cried because I have not done anything outside of a joint when I was 16. That was 2 times I think, but I knew nothing of crack!! I got the same story alot of other people got which was "I don't want it anymore; it is not as important as my family". Well he stayed clean for 3 days, and then back to smoking. However, I had done some research on the internet, and knew some of the systoms. I confronted him, and he said that he was. I said "why"; because of you and my business. You are all the time asking what I am doing, and you need money to pay bills. This went of for awhile, and then he started disappearing for 2 or 3 days. Then when he got home he would say the "I am sorry; never do it again". He was so skinny, and just blah looking. He always got so aggrivated with me and my son. He started not showing up for work, and not paying his guys. His guys started showing up at the house to get money that he owed them, and he would blow them off. Then I started opening his bank statement to see what was going on. He got out $1,000.00 here, and $500.00 out there. I knew what it was for so I packed up me and my son's stuff and moved out. I stayed gone for 1 month, and came home right before our 1 year anniversary. Things were alot better; he was clean, and he was going to outpatient rehab. I checked on him every night to make sure he was there, and he also had to bring me a note from his teacher that he was there. Then 1 day before our 1 year anniversary came around, and he told me he was working late. Well you can't see to roof if it is pitch black!!! He left, and we found him in a hotel room high as a kite 3 days later. I was a nervous wreck!!! I called the police filed a missing person report, and called his family to help me. His brother, mom, and best friend were at my house around the clock. We all searched crack houses, and hotels for him. His brother and best friend finally found him in a hotel, and took him to the hospital for detox. He stayed in the hospital for 5 days, and when he got released he was going to an inpatient hospital. I personally took him the in-patient hospital, and a couple hours later he called me to get him. He said you either get me or I will call my "friends". I was not sure what to do, but I knew that I did not want him to disappear again so I went and got him. He said that he was nothing like those crackheads, and he did not need to be in there. Well his business kept going down, and he started writing bad checks, and he got served with papers for writing them. He went to court, and I never received a call from him. So I left work, and went by the courthouse, and he had already left. I went home to see if I could find him, and he was there high of course!!! I knew he smoked, and I just said what did court say. He got put on probation for 2 years, and has to pay back the money. I asked him how could he go smoke after court now that he is on probation!!!??? He said that he does not know that he only smoked $20.00 worth. Well goody goody for you buddy!! I finally got up the courage to kick him out, and I am still living my myself. He has since disappeared a couple more times, and been arrested 2 times. However, he did not have anything on him. He was arrested for trespassing. Then he finally went to an inpatient rehab for 5 days!!! The rehab let him out because they do not consider crack additive. WHATEVER!!! He moved in with his mom because he lost his business, and he had no other place to go. We have been talking for a couple of weeks now because I don't want to cut all ties. However, I do know that I am not losing my sweet little angels over him. He says he has been clean for 45 days, and I actually went down to see him. I gave him a drug test, and he did pass. (he did not know I was bringing one). So now I am 7 weeks from delivering our little girl, and I feel like I have been through hell. I can't believe a word he says, and I am to a point now where I just don't care what he has to say anymore. I mean he could stay clean or he could go back at any point in time. I am not willing to take the 1% chance that he will stay off the drugs and we can have our family back. PLUS it is so hard for me to let go of the fact he left for days, blamed it on me, and left me with no money!!! I feel like my family deserves better, and I can't believe how much this drug changed the man I loved so much. He was so smart, funny, and we made each other laugh all the time. I know I can't ask why anymore because I know the answer. Now I can pray for him, and other familes that are going through the same thing. I never in a million years thought that I would go through this, but everything happens for a reason. Steve; I can't thank you enough for starting this website. It is so informative, and it also helps to hear peoples story. I mean so many of our stories are the same; I am starting to think that crack has a handbook you are supposed to read when you smoke to know how to treat others. I do want to tell everyone that I will be praying for you, and to also hang in there. We are all going through it for a reason, but only God knows that reason. We have to reach for him for strength, and guidance in our life. I am thankful that I have him in my life. I am also so thankful that I have such a wonderful family and friends. They have been so much support to me. My sister will talk to me 100 times a day if I need her to, and just cry or vent. I went to her house many times during the night because I needed someone there for me. I thank God he gave me such a wonderful sister, and that I can count on her through thick and thin. Thank you for listening to my story, and God Bless.

 Thanks,

"TG"


From:

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Hi, Steve, and thank you for your website.  I particularly like your "Thoughts and Comments" section.  The way you described the lifestyle of those who use crack was exactly how a friend of mine--a relapsed crack addict--described it.

 Also, I'm appreciative of the stories that others have shared.  It has eased the burden of loneliness that I felt, as I had never before been involved with someone who abused drugs and had little basis for understanding what I was experiencing or whether the steps I had taken to sever the relationship had been the right ones.

 Although I did not go through the awful experiences and years of frustration that many have expressed in their stories, I do share their sense of loss, especially the sense of loss associated with losing someone whom I loved dearly and who--when he was clean--had so many great qualities that furthered my love and my desire to be around him.

 Briefly, my story is this:  I met R at the beginning of July.  When we met, he was deciding to end an unhappy marriage of nearly two decades.  What was ironic is that, until I met him, I hadn't been interested in men for more than 10 years and, during this time, had pursued relationships with women.  Meeting R, however, was like coming into contact with someone who--for lack of a better way to express it--resonated at the same frequency as me.  We just clicked and, despite my previous lack of interest in men, it was all I could do to keep myself away from him.  In the brief time I knew him, we had both good and bad times, good and bad conversations, but they were always healthy and honest.

 R told me about his prior and very lengthy addiction to crack and about how, for the past four years, he had been clean--very clean:  no alcohol, no drugs, not even any swearing!  In many respects, he really had a heart of gold and a magnanimous spirit.  If he thought someone was in need and that he could help, he did what he could to ameliorate the situation.  He had come so far from the addiction he had once known, and he even had established his own small business.

 However, all of this ended when he filed for divorce.  Within a few days of doing so, R began doing crack again.  Unfamiliar with the behavior of those who truly have an addiction, I thought R would do it for a few days, maybe even a week or so, and then quit.  This all took place about four weeks ago, and R has been doing crack continuously since then.  Also, it's not just the crack he's addicted to--it's the lifestyle as well.  Although it might not seem logical to be addicted to a lifestyle in which you never own anything, everyone steals from you and you steal from them, and you wonder daily where you will spend the night, this lifestyle in itself gives a sense of euphoria and focused attention that make the concerns of the real world disappear.  When this lifestyle is combined with the euphoric high that crack produces, it is no wonder that someone--especially someone under stress who does not have other outlets for it--would become addicted.

 For a short time after R resumed doing crack, I continued to speak with him, but not to see him.  Although I wanted to see him, I knew it was best to tell him no, especially since I hadn't known him for very long and had experienced--briefly--the psychological and physiological distrubances that his crack addiction caused.  He has phoned me three times since I last saw him, and each phone call was progressively worse.  During the first call, he was coming off a crack high and was able to speak coherently.  The second time he called, he was high.  The third time he called he was so high he didn't know what day of the week it was.  Also, he asked me for $5,000, saying he needed the money for his business.  I could tell by how high he was, as well as the tone of his voice, that he was lying.  I told him no, and he said "ok."  That was the last I heard from him.

 As others have expressed in the "Stories E-mailed to Us" section, the person I love(d) is there but not there.  It's the same body, the same face, but the spirit is off by 90 degrees.  I would give anything to take out that 90 degrees, to get R back, to resurrect that person so special and so unique.  It's disturbing, it's frustrating, it's lonely.  Although my relationship with R was short, he really affected my life, first in a positive and then in a not-so-positive way.  I have grown a great deal in the past few months and wonder--without end--why God (or whatever it is that exists as such a powerful force in this universe) brings special people into our lives and then forces us to look on helplessly while they self-destruct.  Why?  What's the point?  What purpose does it serve?  Ten years from now will I be able to see any wisdom in this?  Will it matter?

 I find consolation in reading what others have written about living with those addicted to crack.  I also reflect on two things:  Robert Frost's "Nothing Gold Can Stay" and the Serenity Prayer of St. Francis.

 "Nothing Gold Can Stay"

 Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

"Serenity Prayer"

 GOD, grant me the

serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change

courage
to change the
things I can
and the

wisdom
to know the difference.

 Thanks, again, for this site.


From:
Sent: To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email

 I am the wife of a crack addict. It has been five weeks since I have left my husband. The strength that I have found sometimes surprises me. I found this site about two weeks ago. It was very hard for me to read at first because I felt like the last two years of my life were playing out in front of me on your "thoughts and observations" page. All the lessons I have learned and the behaviors that I have witnessed are all right there!!

I have lived in a hell I call love for the past two years. The man who loved me and his kids and the man who went to work everyday to provide for us is no longer here. Instead, a man who would steal from the mouths of his kids and rob his wife blind without a thought in the world has emerged. Love is not going to bring my husband back to me. Love is not going to make him come home at night. Love will not make him be an honest man. LOVE WILL NOT CHANGE AN ADDICT!!!!!

I have read the stories on your site. My heart goes out to all of you. But, you must let go to save YOURSELF! It has been five weeks since I decided that I will no longer watch him, or help him self-destruct. I say "help him" because as long as you are there in ANY way, you are enabling them to continues this. I know that letting go is easier said than done. It took two years for me to really mean it.

 Think about your children. Think about yourself and the future of both. You will not change an addict. They will change YOU!!!!


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

  I could tell you countless stories about how my brother made so many people miserable before and during the crack years. I could tell you the many times he lied, manipulated, stole, emotionally, and physically drained any of us at almost any given moment. I could tell you about the time he was off getting high while I was giving birth to my second daughter. I could tell you about the time he disappeared twice with his at the time infant son who has Down Syndrome while his girlfriend and I sat in a police station trying to get an amber alert issued but was refused because my brother had a history of jail time and numerous other offenses. I could tell you about the time he disappeared on every single major holiday and every single special day that meant anything to our family for two years straight. I could, but that would only be the tip of the iceberg.

Plus, I don't think my stories are any different than most out there.

 What I am going to tell you is how I've come to terms with my own responsibility.

 For years, I've enabled my brother. Given him a couch to sleep on, rides to work, money when we didn't have it, words of encouragement, unconditional sympathy and love, but oh worst of all, I gave him time I'll never get back which is time I will never be able to give back to the family I neglected.

 I've cried for my brother enough tears to fill the oceans twice over. And selfishly, I've cried a few for myself. After that stage..anger set in. Anger over my own victim's mentality. When I took my brother in, everyone said what I great person I was and how they were sorry I was going through such a rough time. And through all the trials and tribs I really needed that. And I got comfortable there. And then I was hellbent on helping him for a more twisted reason.  If I could save him, it would make me feel good.  It's sad, I know. Not all downfalls come from crackheads. In time, when I got perspective over the situation, got my heart in the right place and my priorities in order, I could accept 1) You cannot save someone who does not wish to be saved. Which leads me to.. 2) Let go of the guilt. It's not easy. I've had a lifetime of it with my brother but I've come to realize that ultimately in the big picture, this is not my fault. In the smaller picture, I enabled. I am guilty of that. And finally to #3. I have a choice. I've always had a choice. I once said to my brother about getting help, shit or get off the pot. Live or die because what you are doing is not living. Sound harsh? Well, countless nights of no sleep, calling morgues, police stations, hospitals, driving around the most dangerous, ghetto-est parts of town in the middle of the night, or waiting for that one phone call over and over and over again will do that to a person.  You will get to a point for yourself whether or not you want this in your life. It's not all up to the addict. It's up to you too. But remember, should you choose to keep this person in your life, it will become your fault. No, not your loved one's addiction, but the fact that you are miserable. You have responsibility over your own life. If you make the choice to keep them around, then you are accepting their decisions and therefore you cannot be shocked when they break your heart all over again. You are completly entitled to your feelings and opinions during these situations, but your right to express them, especially towards the addict, flew out the window when you allowed that person to be in your life. You keep thinking every single time that it just isn't possible and that your addict isn't capable of doing the things they're doing. Well, it is happening and trust me, they are more than capable.

What's more, if you stay in that relationship, you will become a center of negativity. People will want nothing to do with either you or that big fat elephant in the room with you. If they do stick around, I can for sure tell you that after months/years of this, not only do they feel sorry for you, they are thinking what an idiot you are. If what I just said angers you, that tells me that you must either be new to this or smack dab in the middle of it. I don't envy you. But I do respect your love and devotion to your loved one. Just be sure to ask yourself the reasoning behind your motives. Not everyone will have a victim's mentality or the hero complex. Some may try/stay for dependency reasons. Some just love for love's sake and that's a beautiful thing. But no amount of love from you or anyone on this earth is going to save your addict. Now go back and read that again. One more time. Your addict's road is a lonely one and yours will be too if you neglect everything in your life to save him/her. But I already know what your saying..you at least have to try, am I right? 

 Folks, the only reason I can say these things now is because I have distance from my brother. Is there a right way to do any of this? No, I don't think so. It hurts either way. But I am in 100% ageement when it's said that the only way to help is to let go. I won't ever truly let go until he's dead. If it goes on long enough, you'll prepare yourself for that too. If you do try and save your addict, prepare yourself for constant disappointment. Hope, in this instance, is fleeting, if not useless.

 As for myself, I believe my brother is content, yes content, to be where he is. He does not want to change. I don't like it. But I have to accept that this is what he has chosen for his life. Unless he helps himself, contact altogether will cease. It's a slow process and it hurts, but it's a necessary one. I pray for everyone going through this, including the addicts. I hope you each find a level of peace and acceptance in your own life, should you want or need it. I know this may not be easy to read, especially if you are still holding on to the ghost of your addict. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be discouraging. I'm just being honest. I believe when we know what we are up against, we can educate ourselves and hopefully make better choices.

~M

 


 

From: F and L
Sent: To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hi Steve,

Thank-you for this web site. I have been searching for a site exactly like this for some time. I have been  married for 13 years to date. We have three young boys.  My hubby used to be a great guy until he tried crack at a party just over a year ago. Our lives have not been the same since. I have watched my best friend turn from a great dad, soccer coach, husabnd and employee to a demon. He has lied so much. I do not know how he can look at me in the eyes and lie so boldly! He has stolen money from me and even my children! He has asked people we know for money. He has pulled many disappearing acts and has stolen my van numerous times. I have helped him through rehab. I noticed such a big change in him and I truly felt he would pull through. Boy was I wrong! He was fooling me for many months! He smoked crack in the bathroom with our boys only a few feet away. He would go for long walks as I would never ever give him the keys to my van. So much has happened this year and it seems that the story is always the same. In less than a week, my hubby stole just over $2000 from me and he took my van! Well, I do not know where he is and all I want is my van back and I will get it back! and finally, I am admitting to myself that my love for him will not help him, He must help himself. I am letting him go. It kills me as I think of how he used to be and all the things he loved and all the things he gave me. But, I realize that he is controlled by this drug and if I want to have a good future for me and the kids then I must let him go..for our sake. I will always pray for him where ever he is and I hope that one day the Lord will deliver him from this hell and bring him back to the man he was. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I hurt so bad it feels like a big knife is sticking out of my heart 10 feet ahead of me. My best friend is gone and for that I will always be sad. My children are the joy of my life and I must be responsible and provide for them a safe and happy home - free from crack. I pray for all of you who are going through this too...be strong and protect yourselves! You can love from a distance but you owe it to yourself to protect and love yourself and anyone else involved. God bless you all!  

 


From: d
Sent: To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 

august 3  i found this site AND it changed my life.  what rattles me though is that the change was soooooo drastic.  i read the discussion page every time i make it home and it seems to me that for the most part it took others a long time to get over their addict.  its only been 17 days for me and  i have absolutely NO FEELINGS for my husband.  i dont miss him.   i dont talk about him to anyone and dont care at all what he is doing.  am i in some sort of denial here??  i am very angry  at myself for trying to help him AGAIN  after he got out of jail.  i am frustrated over the financial mess he left me with last year when he went to jail.  i am disgusted with myself for allowing this person into my life and  THEN letting him stay there for 5 years.  BUT, i honestly dont love him or care what happens to him.  he became a non person to me when i made the decision to say no more.  one of his last comments to me was to the effect of "what happened to make you change so much overnight".  the change was that profound.   the tears and fears are here, believe me but not over him.  its worries me because i honestly thought i loved this person.   

 

 


 

From: L's Email
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 

Hi,

 

I am so happy to come across your website and read some of the other stories of partners and

family members affected by a  crack addict. I recently found out in the last few months that my boyfriend of 6 years is a crack addict. I knew nothing about this addiction and didn't think much of it. my idea was 'well...get some help...and everything will be fine'...well he did check himself into detox 3x in the last year before he actually made it to rehab. (the first two times I wasn't aware that it was cocaine and crack)...he finally got to rehab and where he admitted to me that he was addicted to crack. (all of sudden his other addictions to alcohol and marijuana were not important). At this time

children's aid services came and took his 8 year old child away...I refused to help him at this point

because I was so tired of being hurt by his numerous affairs with other women along the way...so

his children went into protective services and is what I believe the real reason he admitted himself into treatment...so he could get his son back. Upon his first couple weeks in treatment he professed how much he loved me and wanted us together and wanted me to be his son's mom. I believed in him and trusted that since he was in recovery that he was sincere...I guess I expected that I wasn't going to lose him again...because he was clean now...he was going to lots of meetings and began meeting several women that were 'interested' in him as he told me....he began with his old behaviors again where he check out of rehab for the weekend, come over on a pass to see me, have sex with me, create a fight, then leave...he wouldn't be returning to the treatment center all weekend but wouldn't tell me where he was either and told me I didn't have a right to know anything about him while he is in treatment...and tells me the treatment center told him to stay away from me because I am co-dependent....all the same old hurtful words, lies, and behaviors. It started mildly with him disappearing and making excuses to me while in treatment and telling me what the treatment center doesn't know won't hurt them...he would say he's coming to visit then wouldn't phone or show up...time and time again in the first 7 weeks of his treatment...I asked him if there was someone else and he got mad and accused me of being jealous and insecure...he validated his clean time because he tests clean on his pee test at treatment but they don't know he is continuing hanging out with old drug friends, neighborhoods, and is even trying to line up a job with someone from his past drug life...I havn't heard from him in one month now...the first 2 days I tried to call...he hung up on me before even saying hello on the phone and will not return my message at the treatment center. so I stopped calling upon the advice of my recovery counsellors (I am in a family after-care program after doing a 4 day family program)...I am once again crushed at him sucking me into him, trusting he loves me and wants me, then spits me out with no warnings, no words, nothing...I don't even know if he is still in treatment or not...I understand I am in love with a crack addict...only thing is...I don't get this part...why did he dump me once he finally got clean and admitted what the problem was?..... why? I miss his son very much too...I actually went to child protection services and left a birthday gift there for him...I did not receive any

calls from anyone that he received it or acknowledgment from the worker, my boyfriend, or the child...I also sent a gift to the treatment center to my boyfriend saying how proud I am of him getting clean, that I know it hasn't been easy, that I love and miss him...still, no response...I still do not hear form him...I need to know why? please can someone help me? understand why he has dumped me now that he is clean? I am felling very alone, abandoned, and hurt...my recovery counselors won't give me any answers regarding this behavior of him...they simply tell me this is dysfunctional and to get on with my own life...I am crying all the time..I am in such pain with no answers...if anyone out there can tell me why this is happening this way while he is clean...please help me...

I don't know how long he has been addicted to crack..he once shared with me that he did cocaine on and off...again I knew nothing of this type of drug and trusted he knew what he was doing...I know that he has been addicted most of his life to one drug or another, be it marijuana, cocaine, cigarettes, and tranqulizers and alcohol binging...I understand that I have no control over the user..that I can't change him...how do I stop loving this guy then? I have been going to 12 step meetings for one year now...I am still unable to get on with myself...I havn't worked in 3 years because of this relationship, living on a roller-coaster...recovery finally came for him...and he dumps me anyway..I waited for 6 years for this guy tomake it to recovery...and he dumps me anyway...why? I don't understand...is there help for me?

thanks for letting me share.

L

 


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

It's a shame after 10 years, I am back reading everything about crack. I was in al-anon for awhile. I had to do it online so I didn't have to leave the house long. I am finally at my breaking point. If I could go home tonight and throw mine out I would. I am so happy I moved so far away from home to get a good job, but know I am afraid I will lose it because I have become so dependant on him. My closet friends and family know all about him. I will call him a crackhead to his face ( not in front of others)  and tell him I know when he's high. I'm not the stupid one , he is. But I must be, because I am still there aren't I. Mine is a binger. He can go days, weeks, even a month or so. Then the bottom drops out. He gets me just as I begin to trust again. Now, he gets no cash, not access to accounts. Nothing, if I give him cash, never more than $10 I have to have a receipt to show every dime is accounted for.   I have a contract in writing he isn't even to ask for money or he has to leave. I read one of the stories and realized, although I have never done drugs, I am an addict too. I am, as she put it, addicted to him and his addiction. I have tried to cut him off at every angle. I have put him in jail, I confront him every chance I get.  I refuse money , help, and give him time limits to get things done. I have 3 kids...now I have 4. He is the worst. I am at work right now, but I am so desperate, I read the crack sites to find something to get through the day. I wish I had all day to sit and read the stories of the people that were smarter, and more courageous them me. The one's that got out. I am so tired of having good days, and loving him so much it hurts. and then the bad days and I hate him so much it hurts. I am supposed to get my computer back in a month. We lost ours in a fire, while he was in jail for breaking probation for the 3rd time. I am always afraid to leave my kids for long to go to face -to - face meeting, I loved to do them online. I found comfort and started to build the strength to get out. I am so afraid I will lose everything, with him , and with him. The biggest battle isn't with him and being clean. It's with me, making a final decision to put him out once and for all. My kids are really ready. Even my youngest who's 7, says we hate the bad daddy when he's here. I have never lied to my kids. They know he is sick. And I don't put in in namby-pamby terms either. I have started counseling for the family. Our first appt is within a month. I told him he could come, but he better be ready for the truth, cause I was spilling it all. I have made him sign a contract to go to meetings at least once a week, and get a job within 2 weeks or he has to leave without incident. Is this stupid? I am so tired of fighting with myself. I know there are people out there that understand. That does help. I have to go back to work before I get fired from the only job that feed myself and my kids. Thanks for this site, and all the stories. Now I not only know there are people out there like me, but one's who have survived and even thrived after they left.

Hope in Ohio


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Crack Kills!  

My fiance of 10 years became addicted to crack after we were together for 9 years.  Why did he try it?   I asked and he said " I was just curious "  Well, that curiousity cost him his life.  R thought he could just try it and he would not be addicted,in his own words "it caught him by the balls" . R was a kind, gentle person, I cannot think of anyone that did not like him.  Our life was great.

In less than 9 months from the time R started using crack... he was dead.  He took his life on June 4th 2000.  He was a functioning crack user, smoked crack in the am, went to work, smoked on his lunch break, smoked before he came home.  Once at home, he took a valium, ate and went to sleep.  I was completely unaware of this until March of 2000.  Don't get me wrong, I noticed a change in his behavior and our relationship became volatile.  I honestly thought for many months that he was seeing another woman because he was so secretive about his whereabouts and our sex life to a nosedive.  

Finally, I told him that I could no longer be in a relationship with someone I did not trust and that I was not going to compete with "another woman"   Richard was upset and told  me that night that he had a problem with crack.  I was floored and of course I was angry.  To me crack was a "dirty drug" and only a street person's drug. I told him I could not believe that he brought that filth into our home.  I left the house that night and called a fiend who was a drug counselor and she told me how addictive crack was and that if I stayed it was going to be a battle that I would lose. 

Being a nurturer I felt as though I could "save" him.   He wanted the help so he said.  He set the parameters, outpatient only 3 times a week.  The first night I went with him and stayed in the car for 3 hours.  He came out and seemed really excited, telling me about the others and how they were  "real addicts" not like him.   The next visits he went on his own, he would come home and tell me about it.  He was using words like enabler, relapse etc.  He even said Lori, if you ever, ever suspect me of using again I want you to get in my face and confront me.  He apologized  with tears in his eyes for the way he has been the past year.   He confessed to me that on & off throughout our relationship he has done other drugs, LSD, Ecstasy and he said he even snorted herion once!  I said When? where was I?   He said that he did it while I was at work and he would take a valium when I called to say I was on my way home.   It all came together, the middle of the day phone calls that I thought were "so sweet" were to find out how late I was going to work.

He said he wanted to tell me everything and clear the air, he promised he would never do it again.    I told him that I loved him and that I would help him through this but, if I ever found out that he was using again that I would leave.   He swore up and down that he was never going to use again. 

At the same time we also put R in therapy because he was depressed

The therapist put him on Paxill.  R seemed to be OK, he was social, happy and was more talkative than ever. Even his family remarked athow great his personality was.  He told us the Paxill was working wonders.  His behavior was still out of wack, his partner called and said R forgot to look at a job they were to bid on, I came home one day and found paint all over our driveway, he had tried to waterproof the roof on an obviously rainy day, when he picked up his pressure washer from the repair shop he forgot to close the tailgate and when he started driving it fell off. When I questioned him on it, he said the "Paxill" made him loopy. 

One day out of the clear he said L you would be so proud of me, today I was at the shop to pickup the pressure washer (from the fall) the guy that I use to get the crack from happened to  be riding his bike near the shop, he asked me if I wanted any crack and I told him NO! I was done with that, I did not want to lose my girl!    He then announced that he  quit his job (he cut back to PT at FED-Ex while he started his own company) I was shocked, we did not even talk about it!  He said that job caused him too much stress and he thinks that is why he started using crack.  He said in trmt they told him to get rid of the negatives in his life. ( I later learned that he was chosen for a random drug test) 

On May 31st I came home from work early and found R sitting on the back patio with a blanklookon his face, he was pale andhad bags under his eyes. I slowly sat down and started crying.  He asked me why I was crying and I said you have been smoking haven't you?  He said No, Lori I was stressed so I had a few beers (R hated alcohol) and I was just sitting here relaxing.  He promised, but I knew.  He then went in the bedroom and I got on the computer in the other room to do some work.  He kept coming in and "checking" on me or he would holler and say are you coming to watch tv with me?  I also noticed he kept going in and out of the bathroom.  When he went in the bathroom, Ifoundmy self sniffing under the door to see if I could smell anything.  I realized at that moment that I was addict too, I was addicted to him and his problem. I gathered the courage to knock on the bathroom door and told him I needed to pee, he said can't you use the other bathroom, before I could answer he came out.   I went in the bathroom and smelled a burning smell.  I rummaged through the wastebasket and found a pipe!  At that moment I lost it, I became a lunatic, I flew out of the bathroom and held up the pipe and said WHAT IS THIS!  I flew into him like an animal, hitting him with the pipe until it broke, telling him I hated him and how he ruined my life.  He just laughed at me and said it is about time you found out, you have been so STUPID.  All this time you thought I was better, I was using more than before.  I used before I would go to the clinic and those dumbass counselors did not even know that I was HIGH.  Rich walked out the door, I tried to stop him, he actually pushed me so hard with his truck that I ended up with a hairline fracture on my hip.  His sister called me late that night and said he brought crack to her house and smoked it.   

On Friday June 2nd I told R during one of his short visits at home that I was moving out on Sunday. His friend called me thatnight andsaid Rich was at hishouse and told him that I was leaving and he was not going to let me go, that he would shoot me first.  I asked his friend if Rich was high, he said Rich was in his truck smoking.  He told me that Rich had a 9mm in the attic and that I should take it out of the house.  I found and it and gave it to Rich's sister.

While I was in the attic, I noticed Baking soda, ammonia and pipe cleaners.  HE was deep into the crack.  I also found a botlle of valium and ecstacy.

On Saturday night R came home and he was extremely paranoid, checking the windows, locking the doors, he asked me to look outside to see if the cops followed him home.   He then went up to the attic and came down and took what looked like 2 valium.  He sat at the table and said nothing for 30 minutes, then all of a sudden he started to cry and told me that the crack had him "by the balls" he said he wanted help, that he did not want to die. He begged me to help him andnot to leave.  I told him that I would not leave, that I would help him.

On Sunday June 4th R woke up in a rage, agitated.  He asked me what time I was moving and he said he was not going to help me.  I said What about last night? He looked at me blankly, i relaized he did not remember anything. I calmly said, I will leave today.  R went up in the attic and came down screaming, wanting to know where his gun is, I tried to play dumb but he threw me against the wall by my throat and told me he wouldchoke me if I did not tell him.  I told him I gave it to his sister.  He let me go and called her, while hewas on the phone I grabbed my keys and ran out the door.  I went to his sisters and she told me that he was out of control, the day before she told him that he could not smoke crack anymore at her house, he pulled a knife out and told her that they are all a pain in his ass.  She told me that the other sisters agreed to have him baker acted.  They had already called the police and they were on the way to the house so we came back here to the house. 

When we got back to the house the police were here but R was gone. We explained  to the police what was happening and they put an APB out on his truck.  About 5 minutes later I heard over the radio a police officer say he just pullled into the neighborhood.  Rich did not pull into the drive, he parked on the street. The police were telling him to come out of the truck, I imagine he was scared, they had their guns drawn.  I heard 3 shots.  I ran outside and down to his truck, I saw blood and his head hanging low, he was breathing, I was screaming for them to help him.  The doors were locked, I pulled the spare key from under his truck, he was airlifted, breathed on his own for 6 hours, died at 7:30pm. R shot himself with a 9mm CO2 powered nail gun.

I DO know is that crack paid a visit to my home and it killed a person that was so much loved.  Crack broke the heart of parents, fiance, sister, uncle and a great friend too many.    

L
 


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I never thought i would find people to understand the hurt and pain that my husband has caused our daughter and myself.  I always believed if he loved me enough he would stop!

But as we know its not about us, its about him and only him,  it took me 15yrs with this

man to realize i cant change him?  All the crying, sleepless night, depression, sick to my stomach, wondering if he's dead, when is he comming home, is he going to lose his job

again? what are we going to do? And all this time Ive managed to survive, how? I dont truely

know? I never used drugs in my life or realy never knew any one who used before and i came from a very good up bringing----Why him?  Ive come to realize now after finally getting the balls up and kicking him out, it has been 1 yr already 1 yr for him to decide wether or not he will get help or not, and still yet he claim to still love us very much, but of course not enough

to change to have a better life, huh? I finally see the that I really never knew this man.  And how letting him go was the right thing for me to do because he was destroying my life.

He did use me and did blame me for him getting high.  He blames everyone for doing him so wrong, he takes no blame for himself.  I can still say to you and everyone else that even now how much I miss and love my husband very much, but this person he turned out to be, I dont know who he is.  Its sad to say that my daughter and I are better off with out him, that he will never know what a beautiful girl she's turning out to be, and what kind of life we would of had together growing old and stuff? Ive always been a survior and never believed in quiting.

But this was far stronger than i could ever beat and it was a losing battle.  I finally decided to  get a divorce after all this time.  Its the hardest thing I ever have to do.  While i still love him,  i figure i still can deep in my heart, the way he use to be.  Ive learn to love from a far.

I told my daughter that it wasnt us, and that the Higher Power is the only way for him to survive if he ever decided to...He's never to far away, and when he's ready, than the almighty

is to.......This was and the only way Ive manage to survive, through alot of faith and prayer.

I keep very busy now a days, and I have wonderful parents and friends who supported my decision to leave, I didnt quit, he did. And I did everything and then some w/in my power to help him all i could, and now i can honestly look back and say that i did my best to try to save this marriage.   Im glad that you were able to reach alot of people like ourself who feel bad and ashame of the lifes we had with loved ones who are addict, some times we feel we have no where to turn to, that nobody understands us, the shame and guilt, and yet why we feel this way is beyond me since I didnt choose to be a drug addict. And is there life after this? I know i feel better mentally, and physically, but do we ever stop caring? and should we?

 XXX


From:
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Email for Steve

Hi Steve,

Thanks for this website, it has helped me deal with and understand the downhill spiral of the last two years of my life.  It has been painful to watch and deal with a woman I once loved with all my heart transform herself from a beautiful woman, mother, lover and friend into a monster in what seemed to be overnight.

I met my wife in the summer of 1999 while visiting a sports bar with friends.  She was a bar maid and I was immediately captured by her radiant smile and bright eyes.  Our relationship became serious rather quickly.  I met her two children, boys aged 5 and 10 (at the time) – both very handsome and intelligent children.  Within four months they had moved in with me and I remember those days as the happiest of my life.

Several years prior to this I was diagnosed and treated for testicular cancer.  The radiation treatments made me sterile and I never thought I would have children.  Suddenly I had an instant family living with me.  It was enlightening to live each day with these amazing children and to have this woman by my side. 

Being a father suited me well.  It was a welcomed event to open my heart and home to them and I began to raise and love them as if they were my own flesh and blood.  The youngest boy’s father has never been a part of his life and doesn’t communicate at all with his son.  The oldest child’s father is a drug addict and was the source of my wife’s original introduction to drugs.  He, too, is not a part of his son’s life for obvious reasons.

Seven months into the relationship I asked my wife to marry me.  I was so proud to have her in my life and never judged her for her past mistakes.  For us it was a new beginning in so many ways.  I gave her a beautiful diamond ring that she admired and was proud to wear as a symbol of our true love.  The four of us were ecstatic – the kids had their first stable and secure environment and I had the women of my dreams.

Shortly after our engagement, while she was still tending bar, I found an empty bag of cocaine in her pocket.  When I confronted her she tried to lie and say she was simply taking it from the chef to one of the other bartenders that night.  I felt she was lying and almost called off the engagement.  But my deep rooted love for her and the boys was something so special, and not wanting to lose my ‘family,’ I chose to believe her.

It was not long thereafter that she enticed me into this world and I began to use cocaine and ecstasy on a recreational basis for about ten months.  It was around this time that I started a new job with a six figure income.  This particular company drug tests new employees and I failed mine.  It was by God’s grace, and the compassion of my new employer, that I was given a second chance and was able to keep my job after a two month sabbatical in order to become drug free.  We were living in a six bedroom home in an upscale neighborhood and we both knew it wasn’t worth losing and agreed to stop “partying.”

I quit and had assumed she had as well.  Of course, she never quit but she became a master at concealing her increasing drug usage.  I worked long hours and would come home at night to a messy house, no food in the fridge and her increasingly belligerent attitude.  I noticed she was restless during the evenings and became concerned when she would not sleep at night and began to lose weight.

When I addressed these issues and inquired if she was still using drugs she would look at me with her “angel eyes” (what I called her because of her pretty green eyes) and she would look so deeply back at me and swear on the life of her children that she was not using drugs but was depressed.

She told me a sad tale that depression ran in her family and even pulled up a website to show me the symptoms for myself.  She told me she went to a doctor and was losing weight because of the medication he had prescribed to treat the depression.  It all seemed logical yet in my heart I was unconvinced.

I began to check her cell phone call log on our monthly bills.  I noticed that she was in daily contact with the dealer from whom she previously purchased drugs.  I didn’t confront her but instead began to watch her closely.  She would sleep late and stay up all night.  Additionally I noticed on the phone logs that she was also calling her ex-husband who I knew to be using crack.  I told her to stay away from him and to immediately stop speaking to him.

But her contact with him didn’t stop and the calls continued all hours of the day and most especially late at night and into the morning hours.  She was also visiting neighbors that I had been told also smoked crack but had moved away from our upscale neighborhood by this time.  She swore that it was all depression related, blaming it on my work schedule – that she was bored because I was never around.  I had entered into a business venture with a close family friend so that he and my wife could own and operate a business together that we would one day take over completely.  He is due to retire in the next few years and it was a great opportunity for her to own and develop her own business while I grew in mine.

It became apparent to me that her crack use had been ongoing for two years at that point.  But, I was fearful to begin divorce proceedings at that time because I had a great deal of equity in our home and did not want to lose it all to her crack problem.  I put the house up for sale and invested part of the earnings into the business venture because I was fully committed to it and wanted to be a man of my word to someone I’ve known since I was 11 and who I am so close with I actually call him “uncle.”  But things were not right in Wonderland and I began to sleep with my Rolex, jewelry and wallet in my pillow case at night.

I felt my marriage was over but I was fighting for it.  She had become a shell of a woman, but I was determined to work through the problems with her.  We purchased a brand new,  three bedroom home in a newly developed, gated community and moved in shortly thereafter.  I began to get daily phone calls at my office from my new business partner to tell me that she had failed, once again to show up for work.  It was embarrassing to say the least.  There were days that I would drive home during my own lunch break to find her sleeping at 3pm, 4pm and so on.  Needless to say the days of sleeping in and her growing undependability would prevent her from ever working, running or taking over this business. 

After moving into the new house I woke up one evening at 2am to find her gone.  I called her cell phone and she told me she couldn’t sleep and in not wanting to wake me, had decided to go shopping at the 24-hour SuperWalMart near the new home.  She even covered it by asking if I needed anything.  I told her to hurry home.  But I didn’t believe her so I got in my car and drove to WalMart.  She wasn’t there initially but pulled into the parking lot a few minutes later. 

When she got out of her car she started to make a phone call.  I walked up behind her and took the phone out of her hand.  She was calling her ex-husband, the crack head, and I realized that she had come into the parking lot from the direction of where he lived.  An argument between us ensued and I was so disgusted with all the lies that I just got in my car and drove home….without her.

She came home at 7am high as a kite but once again looked me square in the eye and began to lie to me.  But I could see her heart beating fast through her chest.  She again swore on the life of her children that she was not doing drugs.  I had to leave shortly thereafter to go to work.  I tried calling her all day but she wasn’t answering the home phone or her cell phone.  The evenings were getting longer and I was having more and more trouble sleeping through the night.

The very next morning I found an empty bag of cocaine in the bathroom.  My heart sank but I wanted the truth, and I wanted to help her.  I felt our love was greater than all this.  When I confronted her I emphatically begged her to answer me honestly and she told me that she would be.  I then showed her the bag of cocaine.  Her faced dropped and I could see she was trying to think of some excuse.  This started another huge argument, all again just before I had to go to work. 

The next morning I called my mother-in-law and her sister and asked them if they would came to our house (even though I knew they had never had a close knit or loving relationship I needed them to help me, help her).  I informed them of her problem and asked for their help.

When she walked through the door from being out all night (again) she looked at her mother with such an evil eye that I almost didn’t recognize her.  She was high.  I confronted her and told her that we all loved her and wanted her to get help.  She started to cry and asked for our help. 

Of course all this was just more drama, she really didn’t want help.  She continued for the next few days to come home high and to be gone all hours of the day and night.  I just couldn’t deal with it all.  I wanted a divorce but I was torn by my love for her and the children.  They had been calling me “dad” for quite some time and I had a great fear of losing them.  My heart was breaking and I vowed to try to get her help.

It was just after the July 4th holiday, only having been in the new house for a few days,  that I woke up at 3:30 am and she was not in bed.  I looked out the window and didn’t see her outside.  I went to see if her car was in the driveway, it was.  I walked out into the living room area and found her sitting on the couch with a crack pipe and cigarette lighter in her hand.

I was physically ill and very angry.  It was mortifying to think she was sitting not ten feet from where the children were sleeping about to smoke crack - they could have woken up and seen her.  I grabbed both the items from her hands and told her that this was the last straw.  She looked me in the eye, again, and said she had found it while she was unpacking and was just throwing it away.  LIES LIES LIES. 

When I grabbed her I had to invoke every ounce of discipline within me to not beat the crap out of her.  It started another horrendous argument.  She began to gather up all her clothes and said she was leaving.  I took her keys to prevent her from going, telling her I didn’t want her driving while she was upset.  She agreed and I went to the bathroom to wash my face.  When I came out she was gone.  She had taken my pants with my wallet and keys in them.  Before I could call and cancel my bank card she had already taken $400 from my personal account.  I finished canceling the cards and frantically began calling her cell phone – calls that of course went unanswered.

When she walked through the door the next morning at 7:30 am she was wearing only a pair of shorts and one of my dress shirts – unbuttoned and exposing her braless breasts.  I confronted her again, knowing she had gone to see her crack head ex-husband and had gotten high.  Her lies were getting more brazen and loud, telling me that she had just driven around all night. 

I threw her on the bed fearing she would wake the kids up and they would hear her.  She left again and my mother-in-law showed up soon after to pick up the kids.  I changed the locks on the doors that day.  I knew in my heart-of-hearts that the woman with whom I had fallen so deeply in love was gone and a monster had taken her place, a monster with no conscience or feelings.

Later that afternoon she tried to enter the house at the front door with her original key.  When I got to the front door she was gone.  I went back into the house and saw her at the sliding glass door at the rear of the house.  She picked up a pot and threw it through the window.  I went outside and tried to talk to her but she was like a dog with rabies.  She was yelling and screaming so obnoxiously that I had to physically carry her into the house so the neighbors would not hear the commotion and call the police.

She started punching me in the face and yelling lewd comments and names at me.  I had to physically put her down on the floor and sit on top her while I called 911 myself.  When the police arrived she became very calm and attempted to manipulate them and lie about what occurred.  Thankfully they saw right threw her act.  I gave them the crack pipe I had taken from her and they informed her they would Baker Act her or she could go on her own. 

Her sister came over and took her to a local hospital for evaluation.  Before they left, her sister informed me that when she was younger my wife had stolen a large amount of money from their mother and had left the country with her first husband.  They did not know where she was and when she came back she was pregnant with her first son.  I found out that just prior to the pregnancy she had been snorting and free-basing cocaine, but had stopped during the pregnancy.  They were soon arrested for narcotics trafficking and her first husband took the rap for her and served a five year prison sentence.  While he was in prison she met another man and divorced her first husband (obviously loyalty isn’t her strong suit).  She never married this one but she did have her second son by him.  It was all news to me and I was astounded.  I realized that her family has been dealing with her issues for over twenty years and that they were far more grave than I had been told or would probably ever know. 

Later that night my wife called me and told me that she was coming home via taxi.  I didn’t want her in my house and told her she wasn’t welcome until she had completed detox and if she left treatment she would have to go to her mother’s house.  She told me to fuck off and came to the house anyway.  I paid the cab driver and he left.  Not much was said other than the tests didn’t show drugs in her system so they released her. 

I wanted to believe her, God how I wanted it to all be over.  I loved her with all my heart and soul.  So I took her back in and gave her back her wedding ring.  The next day I ordered new bedroom sets for the children’s rooms and told her I really wanted to work things out. 

I took her out to breakfast a day or so later to talk while the kids were out with their grandmother.  She went to the bathroom and when she returned to the table she had a residual ring of coke around her nose.  I wiped it off and tasted it – instantly recognizing it for what it was.  When we got in the car another argument ensued and she tried to tell me it was tissue paper.  I was appalled that she would insult my intelligence so blatantly and told her so while I began to search her for the drugs.  She went ballistic and stripped off all her clothes while we were sitting in my truck in the parking lot.  She looked like a trapped animal and I tried to settle her down and get her home as quickly as possible.  We continued to live together and to try to work things out.

A few days later I woke up early for work and after getting dressed I found her smoking in the back yard.  I told her we were through and that I wanted a divorce.  Not surprisingly she started screaming at me, telling me I was heartless and that a person like me should not raise her children because I couldn’t teach them forgiveness.  That someone who would not give her a chance, which is the farthest thing from the truth, was not worthy to pretend to be a father to her children.

 With all her screaming the children woke up but I didn’t realize it.  I told her I was better than two crack heads would be at raising the kids.  She punched me in the face five times and hit me so hard with a brush that it broke.  When I tried to calm her down and told her the kids were now awake she screamed at me that she didn’t give a shit.

 I was stunned that this loving mother that I fell in love with had turned like this when all I did was give her and her children love and a stable environment.  I couldn’t believe she was willing to give it all up for drugs. (We have been separated for five months and I am still blown away by her actions).

work and when she car pooled the kids to school and to after-school activities.  She agreed to pay the insurance but she never made a single payment.  I was able to see the children for a few short weeks but because of her continual crack use she begin to leave incoherent messages on my voice mail and soon I was cut off from any contact with the kids.

During this time she had started a new job waiting tables and I went to talk to her.  She was extraordinarily thin and had facial ticks, was talking to herself and was grinding her teeth.  I was amazed she could even function in a restaurant environment in her condition.  As I delved deeper into her phone records I noticed an increase in phone calls to her drug connection during these weeks.  She began to disappear for days, not going home or calling anyone, and not interacting with her children as well.  Her sister even called to see if she was with me. 

The next day I called my mother-in-law to see if she had heard from my wife.  She rather rudely informed me that I didn’t need to call to check up on her, and that her daughter was out shopping.  I knew that was a lie because she had stopped going to work, lost her job and was staying out for days.  It was also evident in her phone records with calls to the drug dealer throughout the entire night, on more occasion than I care to recount.

More baffling to me than this errant behavior was that I began to learn that this was not the first time she had done these things and no one had bothered to warn me, and no one was lifting a finger to help.  I felt everyone was in denial. 

I learned that her brother, who handled our recent real estate transaction, had given her $3,700 that was due to me from part of the closing.  He told me he gave it to her to help her start over with the kids and to hire a divorce attorney.  Of course she smoked it with all her crack buddies. 

A sad story indeed, but if you can believe it, one that isn’t over.  I had found out that her time away from home and the kids was increasing.   A friend of mine who is a policeman pulled a pawn report and I learned she hocked the $10,000 engagement ring I gave her for a measly $500.  I was sick to my stomach.  That was such a symbol of my love for her and she just sold it like it was nothing, not to mention selling it at nowhere near its true resale value.

Just a few weeks ago her bother called me on Thanksgiving Day to wish me and my family well.  I inquired about my wife and kids and learned that she had not been home in a few days and that she would not be spending Thanksgiving with the family or her children. 

This really bothered me so I drove to the crack house where I knew she had visited.  When I saw my car there, only five months old and beat to hell, I promptly removed the fuses so she could not drive it.  Inside the car was a Florida ID card she had obtained because her license had been suspended and the police officer confiscated it.  When I saw the picture, what she had become, I began to cry.  She was even high in the picture and her eyes and cheeks were hollow from the massive weight loss.

I parked down the street and called the police to help me get her out of there.  Unfortunately they went to the wrong address.  I went to the door and asked if she was there - the guy who answered the door said she was.  He turned to get her and I followed him into the most incredibly filthy house you could imagine.  I saw a large woman cooking in the kitchen and continued to follow the man to the back bedroom.   The door was shut but you could hear a man and woman having sex.  I knocked the guy to the floor and kicked open the door to find my wife, a woman I once thought was the most beautiful creature on the planet, having sex with a skanky crack head with no teeth.

The room was even dirtier than the other parts of the house.  They both smelled like they had not bathed in days and he had jailhouse tattoos all over his body.  They jumped up and she slipped into a bathrobe and he put on his pants.  It all made my skin crawl and my heart sink.  She was so high, and I noticed the crack pipe on the table by the bed.  I looked at her with such disbelief at what she had become.

I told her that she should be ashamed at herself for choosing this over her children on Thanksgiving.  I could see every bone in her body when she tried to hug me and began to tell me how much she loved me.  I started to take my watch off because I knew I was going to punch the guy out.  She begged me to not do it and I pushed her away and told her how disgusted I was that she had become a crack whore. 

I punched the dirt bag she was with and couldn’t stop.  She was screaming at me to not hurt him and jumped on my back.  He was so high I don’t think he felt a thing.  When I was pulling her off me he got up and ran from the room.  I started yelling at her that I could not believe what she was doing with herself.  I heard the utensil drawer open in the kitchen and the shuffling of items in the drawer.  I immediately felt I was in danger but was amazed I had even heard him do this.  I ran from the room and the guy who answered the door tried to grab me.  I punched him out of my way and ran out the front door.  When I turned to look my wife’s “crack head boyfriend” was chasing me down the street with two butcher knives, one in each hand.

Thank God I work out 5 days a week otherwise I probably would be dead today.  I have no doubt if he had caught up with me he would have stabbed me repeatedly.  When the cops arrived I told them what happened.  During this conversation all the crack heads came outside and my wife came over to try to talk to me.  The officer told her to back off.  I looked at her and asked her, “why would you put yourself in this situation when I gave you everything?”

She looked at me with so much hate in her eyes and nonchalantly told me that, “yeah, I’m fucking him….so what?”  She then told the police that her boyfriend didn’t chase me with any knives and all she saw was me breaking in the house and beating him.

This day opened my eyes to let me see the woman that I shared five years of my life, love and friendship with is truly gone.  That she is simply a crack whore who could care less if I lived or died trying to help her and her children.  It is pathetic, this existence – and even more so that this is now the woman I called my wife.

Your website truly gave me peace and inspired me to write this testimonial.  It was tough to do but getting it down on paper has helped to lift my spirits.  I know I have to walk away from her and her family.  I realized that no amount of love, money or happiness would ever be enough to help someone in this state of mind.

She is simply too far gone.  She has left us all.


From:  [mailto:]
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit my story - F's story
 

I am an 18 year old boy looking to help my 22 year old uncle named F who is addicted to crack. I know the realities of helping him are very unlikely, but I would just like to share his story because I still have hope that he will recover.  

He has been addicted to crack now since he was 17. It all started with the death of his father in 2000. His father owned a very big farm and F thought he would inherit much of the farm from his death. He had already begun experimenting with crack before his father's death, and the death of his dad made him become very emotionally unstable. His friends got him in to using crack. They were all good kids and they did well in school, but they made some wrong decisions which will eventually ruin their lives. When F inherited some of his father's land, it was immediately sold to buy crack. He then asked his mother if she wanted to sell the rest of the property and move somewhere else. He thought this would be best because he could start over again. His mother declined because she knew of his addiction to crack.  

F lived a life of crack abuse for the next three years, and by then he owned nothing. All of his things were either pawned or sold to buy crack. He even rented TVs, gaming systems, furniture, etc.. from Shastar (a rental company), and all of this was sold for crack. His mother kept him out of jail though, paying for all of the things he had stolen. He also stole money from people he barely knew, often asking for money to get his girlfriends car towed which was a story he often used to get money for crack. This was easy for him because he knew lots of people and we live in a fairly small town. 

By the fall of 2004 he had quit smoking crack for nearly 10 months. He had other addictions to keep him occupied such as cigarettes, marijuana, and a severe addiction to alcohol. He once again went on a crack binge in November and ended up in jail for the first time ever. His mother didn't want to help her addicted son anymore. He stayed in jail over Christmas and new years and stayed in for 2 months. He came back home and stated that he never wanted to go to jail again and he said he would never use crack again. He stayed on probation for only 4 months (he's a real sweet-talker).  

Once he knew there were no more drug tests he went on another binge. It was just in May that he continued his dangerous ways. One night after a long day of drinking and smoking crack he asked for his car keys. His mother would not give them to him. F became very violent with his mother and girlfriend and damaged a lot of things around the house. That same night he went out and sold his brand new Mustang that his mother gave him for becoming clean. He's in jail again... and i don't know for how long. But i hope it is a very long time. 

I just want everyone to know that crack is an addiction that will never end. For those people who know someone who is addicted to crack... stay away from them. It is very very hard to help a crack addict. It has to  be the addict doing all the work on their own. They have to be the one that really wants to quit. They wont quit for you... they will only quit for their own good.


From: 
Sent:
Subject: Submit My Story

 

My brother has been addicted to crack since 1993 and has served three years in prison and five years probation afterwards.  During that five years on probation, he was arrested several times and never did any time until this past couple months.  He only served 70 days.  While he was on crack in 1994, our dad had bypass surgery and he was on a crack binge the entire time dad was recovering.  I was the only one there to help dad.  I am now 54 and had polio at the age of six months and have to wear a brace on one leg up to the top of my thigh and use a cane and for shopping or anything other than walking a few feet, I have to use an electric scooter.  My dad had cancer and then Alzheimer's in 1997 and the Alzheimer's was diagnosed in 2001.  Two years ago, while my brother was living with my dad, dad had gotten to the point that he couldn't pay his bills or take care of himself and was calling me in the middle of the night complaining that my brother was waking him up looking through his pockets for money and he had taken my dad's truck on several occasions.  It finally got to the point that I told my dad to please move in with me that it was so hard for me to come to his house in the middle of the night to help him.  He moved in with me in May of 2003.  I took care of my dad while using an electric scooter.  My dad barely could walk, was incontinent and wore diapers.  I had begged and cried so many times for my brother to please straighten up and help me as I was so tired and dad was getting worse and worse.  My brother never came through for me and dad and in June of 2004, my dad passed away.  My brother is right now in jail again for violations of another probation he has been put on for beating up a crack prostitute he had in my dad's house.  He has the crack delivered to my dad's home and all my dad's neighbors are in fear of him.  My dad lived in that home, in a very nice neighborhood for over 30 years and had many friends and the respect of his neighbors.  My brother has made me ashamed to even go to my dads but I have to sell the house and my dad's assests which should have been done long ago but my brother has occupied the house since my dad's death and I am fearful of him when he is on crack.  He also moved in a friend of his who is a drunk and has been collecting rent money from that guy for two years and using it for crack. The entire year my dad lived with me, my brother wouldn't pay the utilities, cable, phone etc..and wouldn't mow the lawn or keep up the house.  So I had to send people over to do the lawn and pay them and I had to pay all the bills at dad's until I finally got fed up and quit.  My dad's phone was turned off, cable was turned off and after my brother got put in jail again, I changed the locks on the doors and finally evicted him.  BUT he is going to get out of jail July 10th and he will break a window or something to get back in my dads so I will have to have him arrested to stop him.  I love my brother but he has caused me and my dad absolute hell for the past 12 years.  Now he is writing me letters wanting me to send him money..of which is his as he gets workman's comp checks and social security checks due to back injury three years ago.  But i won't send him the money and won't answer his letters.  I am afraid when he gets out, he is going to be so mad that he may try to hurt me.  My mother who lives in another state wants me to send him the money because she feels sorry for him.  My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy five years ago and he hasn't called her one time since she has had cancer.  HE is a master manipulator and conartist.  My dad, before he got so sick, also felt he was the biggest liar and con artist he had ever seen.  My mom and dad and I love my brother dearly but we have all been through so much and he has not helped one bit but when he needs help and we don't come through, he makes us feel like we are dogs.  Anyway, that is our experience with a crack addict and it has been going on now for 13 years.  j


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

My story is pretty much the same as all of those who have posted before me.  I am home alone, again....  and just have some things I need to say.  Maybe noone else will read this, but, I will feel better having said them.  In simple terms....

 I am:

    troubled

    sad

    worried

    anxious

    tired- very, very tired

    angry

    lonely

    hurt

    broke- emotionally as well as financially

    helpless

    nervous

    frustrated

    weak

    confused

    happy- every time my husband walks in the door, knowing he made it through another day

    grateful- for every moment I have with him when he is clean

 I feel:

    abused

    betrayed

    disappointed

    used

    neglected

    deceived

    tormented

    guilty- why should I?  None of us have done anything to deserve this

    stupid- for buying into all of the lies  

hopeless-  hopelessly still in love with an addict,  no matter how much I am dismissed or hurt

 My husband has been using pretty heavily for over a year now, just when I think things are getting better, they get worse.  I know that I have a long road ahead of me, as does everyone else who is visting this site,    I'm finding that hope is a daily struggle for me.  I'm not giving up yet, I hope noone else here is either.   My prayers of strength and comfort go out to all who are suffering, the addicts, as well as their friends and loved ones.

 

From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I met my addict 1.5 years ago.  How I get sidewinded by this guy, I may never know.  I can tell you that he seemed very charming, sincere and kind of pathetic.  I have been in recovery for over 13 years now.  I am not ignorant to drugs, though I never used crack. I should have seen him coming.  I met him in AA.  He told me when we met that he was three years sober.  I had no reason to believe anything else.  Today, I don't believe anything this guy says.  He hides out and uses crack.  He is very slick, by the way.  It's hard to pin him down on anything because I have been out of that life for years.  It is very dangerous for my recovery to have him in my life.  He disappears for days after starting an argument.   When he shows up on my doorstep, he swears I start these things and sometimes I question my own sanity.  Then he lies and claims he's clean and just needed to get away from me because I stress him out.  I know he's out with women using crack.  He uses people as a means to his own gratification.  I spoke with his ex and she shared a lot of his past with the crack use with me.  Prostitutes, losing family vehicles, you name it.  I haven't been totally stupid, though.  When he relapsed last fall, I told him he had to go from my home.  He doesn't live with me and has no access to my home or automobile.  Now I am trying to keep his butt out of my life.    He has brought me nothing but misery.  Thank you for this website.  It has given me a much better understanding of this evil drug and what it does to people who use it.  Thanks for listening.

K


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Email for Steve

Steve,

Thank you so much for writing this website.  Things are a lot clearer to me now.  My brother is addicted to Crack.  I've sent this site to everyone that I know cares about him.

I know about addiction, I was addicted to Oxycontin, starting for pain reasons, and was able to quit, while still having my pain controlled, but what I see happening to him with Crack is blowing my mind.

He's gone from a successful chemical operator, at a great company, with terrific benefits (I think he was there over 10 years), to losing it, a second job just as good in 3 weeks, now going from place to place, just like you described.  No money, cashing in his pension, telling us one day he has plenty of money left, to the next day he has none, and then more again.

He divorced his wife, went back to his ex girlfriend, who I have to say, isn't enabling him, although I know how hard it is for her, she is staying strong, and I respect and love her so much for that.

On the other hand, his ex wife, is running to his side at every phone call, giving him money, she's "the only one there for him", or so he says.

The other day he was going to the beach to "get clean".  Imagine the ex wifes surprise to find out he wasn't at the beach, but at his dealers house, days after almost killing himself in a truck accident and not going to the hospital.  (for fear of not getting crack, or being found out?).  I told his ex wife that he was probably waiting for the drugs to get out of his system, and she said to me.."He told me he wasn't doing any drugs".  I feel sorry for her, when is she going to learn, but I also resent her for contributing to his death, for over a year now, against our pleas not to.

Sorry this got so long, but your site really brought a lot to the surface for me, and the fact that we just recently lost a friend to a heroin OD, or bad batch, although not crack, made me realize that we have to try to do something to save him, without enabling him, or he's going to die soon.

Take Care,

L

 


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: my story

Steve,

  My story isn't as dramatic as these I am sure because I have not been around my sister to deal with it on a regular basis.  As far as I know my sister started using crack in June of 2003.  She has always used drugs off and on since she was about 13.  She started on alcohol and pot, then went to acid and numerous other things.  In 1999 she met this guy from Brownsville TX.  She was married with two great boys at the time.  This guy, Michael, was her babysitter.  She started sleeping with him and they moved into a house together.  She got pregnant and had two more children.  I know she was using some sort of drug before April of 2003 but in April she moved to Brownsville, TX with Micheal.  She was about 7 months pregnant with her youngest child at that time.  She had her baby in May and in June from what I have been told she started using crack.  In July of 2003 she lost her two youngest children to the state of Texas cause she got in a fight with Micheal and his family called the cops and she was arrested and taken to the phsych ward of the local hospital.  She tested positive for crack and for weed and numerous other drugs.  She never got custody of her kids back after that day.  When she was released from the hospital she left and went to Houston to live with other family members of her boyfriends.  She lived with them until December of 2003 when she left one day and left her two youngest children there with no diapers, food etc. and never returned.  Her boyfriend had custody of her children but he was in prison in Texas at this time for armed robbery.  She was gone a week and they couldn't find her so they sent the kids back to the family members in Brownsville where they are now being taken care of very well as far as I know.  Toni, my sister, called me last February asking me for money and I wouldn't not give it to her.  She got mad and I didn't speak to her for a year when I finally decided that I was going to go find her to at least see she was alive and as well as a crack addict can be.  We went to Southwest Houston and found her within 24 hours thanks to a bunch of homeless people that knew her.  Homeless people who are not on crack or any other major drugs besides weed are the nicest people you will ever deal with I swear. 

  Toni had been living on the streets for over a year, she had been using crack for almost two when we found her.  She looked horrible.  She is 30 years old and at that time was wearing a size 16 in little girls clothes.  She was dillusional as I like to call it.  She kept telling me she looked great and she was healthy and lived better than I did and everything else she could think of to make me think her life on the streets as a crack addict was just great.  Well when I found on her Feb 11th of 2005 she was living in a carwash at a gas station with two other homeless crack heads.  She had crack sores all over her body, her teeth were rotted worse than I had ever seen any before in my life, her hair was greasy and stringy, she was in horible health and she was wearing clothes that she had gotten out of a dumpster a week or so before.  She was on a crack binge that was on its 12th day so she hadn't ate or slept in 12 days.  She looked horible but cried and said she wanted to go home and get off the streets.  I figured since she said she wanted to go home maybe she might actually want the help and she would clean herself up. 

  She took her last hit of crack at about 8:30 pm on Feb. 11th.  On Feb. 12th we left Houston and went on a mini vacation since my husband and I had never been to Texas, we are from Kentucky right now. We were in Galveston for about 4 days and she was high the entire time.  She didnt come down from her high till the 15th of Feb.  In that time she ate and slept the entire time.  She would sleep and get up to eat but she would be sleeping while she was eating.  It was the weirdest thing I ever saw.  We brought her back to our house about a week later and she was doing good.  Her crack energy had her cleaning my house and everything else.  I didn't have to do anything for the first two weeks she was with us.  She cooked cleaned, you name it she did it.  The only thing we had to do was supply lots of sugar packets and candy.  She ate it like it was going out of style.

  After about 3 weeks or so she got a job at the local gas station down the road from our house.  She liked it but her brain was so fried that her manager wanted her to have more hours cause she was forgetting everything she learned from day to day cause her short term memory was gone.  She would go to work and we found out she was calling the people who she called her "real friends" in Texas.  We tried to put a stop to it but it didn't work.

  When we went to find her in Feb. her boyfriend had been in jail for about a month and a half and she was kind of on her own on the streets.  Well, as soon as her boyfriend got out of jail she wanted to return to the streets of Houston and her crack life.  I really thought she was leaving cause her and I had gotten into a fight and she was blaming me for everything, after reading your stories on here I have found that that is the way that crack addicts work, they blame others and start fights so they can leave and make it seem like it wasn't their choice.  It's almost like then they feel they can say that the normal person started problems and kicked them out  or something.

  Well, as of April 30th my sister was back in Houston promising me before she left that she would call at least twice a month and she would be home for Christmas.  I knew she was lying but let her go anyway cause I figured it was easier because she obviuosly didn't want to change anyways.  When she would talk about crack and living on the streets it was like she was braggin about it and making it sound like it was just wonderful to be out there.  After reading everything I have read on here I guess I am to leave her be and not have contact with her, that is the best way.  Would it be wrong for me to contact the place she gave me a number for just to make sure she is still alive every once in awhile??  She is in Houston, TX and I am in Kentucky near Cincinnati Ohio.  I just want to know when she gets killed or dies and I have no way to know this if I don't keep in contact with this place she gave me.  Is it wrong to do this or should I just call all ties and let her be since she doesn't want anything to do with me? 

thanks for listening,

J in Kentucky


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Dear Steve,

I have just read your website for the first time. I am sitting here....reviewing my last eleven years with MY crack addict.... He got me at a very vulnerable time in my life..both my parents had died, and I was looking for "love".... Now, well, where do I begin ???  Hundreds of thousands of dollars later, bails, bonds, six prison numbers, twelve rehab facilities, lost family heirlooms, pawn shops, drug houses, stolen cars,..etc, etc. etc..........I am a licensed psychologist and now retired from my job.....THAT didn't protect me from the addict .. Yes, I believed he would change...EVERY TIME....and , now, as he sits in prison again, at his age 40, and his seventeen years of addiction, I have cut him loose.....for good this time. Through the help of Ala-non, and reading professional journals on the drug itself, I realize that this drug destroys people...It has almost destroyed me....you know, you don't have to smoke crack to be affected by this addiction..... as I concentrate on my upcoming bankruptcy...the first in my wealthy family.........I am sad....both for myself and him....but, alas,.... I must say, YOU ARE CORRECT in your realities....LEAVE HIM.........LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF...again....and.........start over....a good life...of love and forgiveness for your vulnerable behaviors........forgive yourself.....laugh again........

Thank you for your time in writing this article...........it meant alot tonight...

 


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hey everyone,
   Just so thankful for this website. It is such a blessing to have a site for support to family members and friends of these special addicts. We are the victims as well. I am the baby sister of a 38 year crack addict. She has been an addict now for 5 years, and has nearly destroyed the lives of our entire family along with hers. She was a great mom, wife, sister, and daughter before becoming an addict. She was a registered nurse and very skillled at her trade, very respected in the community. Her addiction has stripped her of her nursing license, her marriage, her relationships with her kids, and her relationships with her family and life long friends. We haven't seen or heard from her in over 5 months. We have gone through periods in the past of multiple phone calls in the middle of the night, pleas for money, stealing from us and pawning our belongings, being blamed for all of her "demons" and addiction, wondering if she was dead or alive..... My family has been through hell and back again. My sister has resorted to living in the slums, in crack houses, not bathing or eating for long periods of time, literally, barely being alive.... She has attempted suicide, over dosed, had drugs given to her that were toxic, but hasstill survived out there on the street. We have been placed in danger multiple times by her bringing these people to our homes for money, or having us to come pick her up from these places... We love her, I love her. She is my only sister, but I have had to let her go in order to not lose myself in the complete insanity that a crack addict can pull you into.. All of this to say that, all of these addicts have the same behaviors when you get down to the core of it, and everyone of them will pull you into the craziness if you let them. You don't have to quit loving them, or praying for them, but you don't have to let them take you down too.

  Thanks for listening, and hang in there...


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 

My brother was an alcoholic and cocaine and crack addict.    During the past 10 years I carried this burden and was able to shelter our parents from his increasing addictions and problems.  The increasing stress on my life from the late night phone calls threatening to kill himself or outbursts of anger at anything I said were almost unbearable. He was in and out of at least 5 rehabs that I know of.  I personally put him in two detox centers.  During this period our father died and he showed up at the memorial service and had been drinking (it was very evident on his breath).  He was invited to my daughter’s wedding but he didn’t come - yet 2 weeks later he attended the wedding of one of his friends.  His wife left him and he lost his medical license.  In the past three years he spent about half-a-million dollars, which included his pension fund and stocks and bonds, on drugs and alcohol.  During this period our mother learned of his situation and she insisted on going with me to sort him out.  It was a scene from a movie.  Trash, bottles and crack paraphernalia were everywhere.  He had defecated in the bed.  I found ATM slips indicating that he had drawn almost $4,000 from his checking account in about 5 days (all the slips showed times of 1:00am, 3:00am, etc.)  His phone bill showed calls to the same phone number at times coincident with the ATM withdrawals – obviously his drug dealer.  I took my mother to attend Al-Anon meetings and researched crack addiction including this web-site.  Everything I heard and read indicates that the addict has to decide for themselves to change their life.  Giving them money just continues the addictive behavior.  The addict will lie, cheat, and steal to get what he wants. My brother began calling our mother asking for money and she would give it to him.  One time when I took my mother to the beach my brother called us at 1:00am and said he needed $4000 right away to pay off a drug dealer otherwise he would get shot and wanted us, mom and

me, to drive 800 miles to give it to the drug dealer.  We didn’t drive up there but my mother wired it to him the next morning.  I can’t believe my brother asked me and our mother to get between him and the drug dealer!

Last month my brother shot himself.  I have mixed emotions.  Sadness that I lost my baby brother, sadness that he was so unhappy, relief that he is in a better place, relief that he didn’t hurt anyone else, but most of all relief that he is out of my life.  The hardest think I've ever had to do in my entire life (and believe me I've done lots of very hard things) was to go tell my mom that her son and my brother was dead.

Bottom line – staying close to a crack addict will consume your life and those close to you.  They have to do it on their own.  Don’t give them money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Seek help for yourself in support groups and professional therapy.  It is tough when they are a relative or loved one but you are not responsible for their behavior.


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: submit my story

I left my crack addict on Friday night.  3 months is all I was with him, but it was an intense 3 months, where I fell head over heels in love with him.  As far as I know he only used 3 times in the 3 months I was with him, but I was with him daily and nightly almost from the beginning.

 2 weeks ago he went out for 3 days, came home lost his very excellent job and I decided that I didn't have a clue what I was getting into and I had to go.  It took me a hard, long week of fighting back and forth.  I read your website 3 times through. 

I left, everyone else can leave too.  Walk out, don't turn around. GO.  He/she is always going to lie to you about using, they don't want help and they can't help themselves. 

Pray for them, love them, but leave them. 

Now, if there were only a re-hab for Love... I'd be ok.  As it is, I'm totally broken inside, my spirit is broken, my heart is broken, I haven't stopped crying for 3 days.  I miss my man.  I adored him, I loved his child, I want him back, but I can't take him back.  There is no way I can.  He'll destroy me, even more than leaving him destroyed me. 

Bless all of you who are going through this too. 


From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hey Steve

Hey my name is Jamie and I am a 15 year old kid whos mother is addicted to crack. I sent u a storie about a year ago in april. I just thought i would let you know that i have came to realize that a crack head is always a crack head. No matter how much help u get a person will always be addicted. My mother has done everything possible to try and get otu of this drug and yet she is still addicted. She is in jail right now and she promises me that she is now done with her addiction deep down i want to believe her but i just cant. She has lied to me so much and hurt me in the process i just wish there was something i could do to help. BUt there is not, a crack head has to have to will power to quit and be done forever. I just thought i would write u to let u know about all the hard times i have went throught thanks so much for liscening.

Sincerely

J


 From: 
Sent:
To: stevec@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

My man, well, my ex-man, is a crack addict too. He will be 53 this year and it seems he will never stop. We have been in an on/off relationship for over 20 years. I just have been able to understand why our relationship has been like this. He has been doing drugs for as long as we have been together. I thought when I first met him, he just was smoking reefer but learned recently he had been lacing his joints. Twenty years on drugs is a long time. Too long. This man is a very smart man. He went to college, served in the army. He has a heart of gold when he isn't on the stuff. He has a good job and is an officer in the union where he works. He tries to stay away from the drug but I guess it's so strong, nothing can sway him. He has been in rehab many, many times. Lasts a few weeks, then the urge comes back. He's weak when it comes to cocaine. He gets lost, don't see him for days. He even takes my truck and disappears and doesn't think once about how I am supposed to get to work. He just doesn't care about anyone or anything when he gets high. I have been there to support him in every which way to get off the drugs but it's a lost cause. He has hurt his family, his friends, most importantly, himself. I say he's my ex now because I am tired of being there for him and then getting blamed as to why he has problems. Drug addicts don't take any responsibility for their actions. It is everyone else's fault. I had warned him the last time when he tried to stop, if he ever took my vehicle again for one of his drug jaunts, I would call the police. And I did. It was found at a well known drug house. He was there 2 days. Missed work again. So I said enough is enough. You can't help someone who doesn't want the help. You can't make someone love you cause they don't even love themselves. It was so hard to walk away this time.This time I meant it. I love this man with all my heart but I want a better life than he can give and I don't want the life I have with him anymore. Drug addiction is so sad. I hope he opens his eyes before it's too late.
 


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Cc: Lariviere, Melanie
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit My Story

Dear Steve.

I am a 28 year old clean person who is involved with a crack cocaine addicted person.  I have done everything in my power to help him and yet he still has the same ignorant selfish behavior with me and my children.  Let me tell a bit about are relationship and than maybe I can ask for your advise.

I started dating C 3 years ago and he was than using cocaine (not yet crack), I was not too fond of the idea but I didn’t really know the extent of his habits.  He had made me many promises to quite using, but after 8 months of the same promises I had enough and left him,  he than attempted suicide.  He had stabbed himself in the stomach after coming home at 6 in the morning when I told him enough was enough.  He was hospitalized for 2 weeks with serious wombs to his chest and stomach.  I as a soft person felt bad and thought that he might change this time since god had given him a second chance.  My doctor proscribed him prozac to help him concur his addiction since he thought it might help him gain some wile to want to live.  He remained sober for 7 months and we got engaged.  After being clean for 7 ½ months he had a screw up.  He met up with an old friend and used with him that day.  It all started over again, but this time I found out I was pregnant.  He made me more promises that he would change his ways if I chose to keep the baby, which I did, cause this was my child even though it wasn’t good timing.  I went through a very hard time with Chris through out my pregnancy since he was going out all the time leaving me at home alone.  My son was born and things change for the best for about 2 months until he started to use once more.   I had enough I kick him out.  He started hanging out with a different crowd of people, whom where using crack cocaine.  C being an extremist with everything he does in life and especially drugs began to use the same substance as his new friends, “life for me made a BIG turn for the worst”   I couldn’t bare the idea of him sitting around with a bunch of what I would call “CRACK HEADS” and using when me and his brand new little baby boy where at home without him.  I finally picked up my courage and called him to come back home, I thought the lesson was taught.  He was ecstatic to know that I wanted him back.  He came back home and we where happy for about 2 weeks.  This time my life took the worse beating of all times.  He started coming and going like I was some hotel or something, and of course it bothered me but I loved him and I thought he would realize what we had was better then this substance he was abusing himself with.  It didn’t take me very long that I starting searching for answers and the way to that was to go where he hung out.  Boy! Oh! Boy! Was I inn for a ride I tell you!  I got addicted to running after him.  By that time he would spend two days at home for every 5 days he was out (not sleeping, nor eating just using)  I just couldn’t except the fact that he chose drugs over me and his beautiful baby, which is his 4th son and C is only 25 years old.  It hurt me so much that I found a cure to my problem to not sit at home but run after him where ever he would be.  I would sometimes sit there at these dealers apartments while he was using hoping he would finish soon and come home with me, I thought maybe if I stay here and he sees me he will feel bad and he won’t be away from home so long since I will take him back now.  Doing what I did just dramatized me, to see these people using and the way they do and what they do for more and how the react for more, wow it was overwhelming but still didn’t stop me because I wanted him back, I wanted my man back, not this crack head but “C”, the love of my life, the father of my son. All these people that he would use with looked terrible and most of them where prostitutes.  In my mind I told myself that he was a drug addict he was still a person with a heart and I knew he would never cheat, so I thought.  New years eve (2004) was finally here and I wanted to go and get him.  I decided to go where he hung out the most.  I entered the home to find out that he was not there, I proceeded to ask this guy where C was and he told me he wasn’t sure.  He asked me why someone as beautiful and nice like me would run after a dog like C, I told him that I loved him and that he would never cheat on me.  Well, this man then told me that C did cheat on me and that he was a witness and the reason he was telling me was the fact that I was so nice he couldn’t understand why someone like C would have such a good person in his life.  It broke my heart but I was greatfull that someone was finally honest with me.  I confronted C about this and he of course denied everything, but he was no longer welcome in my home. He decided to go to rehab, where he stayed for 3 months and came out back to live with me, stupid me!  He had admitted to me when in rehab that he did cheat on me, but not only cheat on me but with no protection and with a prostitute, oh! My god, help me!  I freaked out and got blood work done for 9 months straight, and thank god I had nothing.   Anyhow, he came out to only be sober for 2 months and started his old habits, only this time he went back to rehab when summer was over.  He remained in rehab for about 4 months this time until January 2, 2005 he slipped up and used again.  I now have him sleeping on my couch day in day out depressed and discouraged with his life.  His not aloud back to his program for a week, so his decided to do whatever he can while his out.  He started using weed again and smoking cigarettes and being extremely selfish.  His been treating me like crap, I don’t understand why to heck he can be like that with me when I have done so much for him.  I have had just about enough once again. 

Can you please give me some info on drug addicts and their behaviors, I don’t get why they are like that.  C tells me all the time that its normal for drug addicts to behave in such way, but I am honestly sick of hearing excuses.  I think that it’s an excuse to use when your behavior sucks or when your being selfish that you’re a drug addict, please elaborate on this I am so confused about the whole matter.  What should I do? your opinion?

Thank you so much for your time.


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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hello to all , I hope that the New Year brings much joy in life and love, My name is E I live in South Carolina and have been dealing with my husbands addiction for six years now. I went through all the steps of en-abling him, I just knew that the love I had for him would make it all better ! But, as we all have learned that does not happen , we have been together for 23 years and it was very hard for me to let go but I did, I just couldnt take the lies anymore. Now I know that it was the only choice I had . I have been gone for about three months now and it seems to get a little easier as time goes by, he is now in Rehab and seems to have the right attiude toward recovery I pray for this to help.I set up all night last night and read a good bit of the post you all have written and i can tell you I have seen just about all that you have , my husband has always been a provider and never let his addiction take from us until about 6 mths ago . But it got pretty bad towards the end. The lies, blaming others for his problems, all the good stuff that goes with the addiction, it was so hard watching him fall but I knew from studying about the drug that was all I could do to help. So just to let everyone know it is hard probally the worse thing you will have to do but you have to do it not for your love one but for yourself . Thanks for all the post they do help to read that others are going through some of the same things that i have been through.May God Bless us all , keep us in his loving brace so we may live through this mess.Thanks for listening and letting us all vent . 


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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

HI STEVE, I AM HAPPY TO FIND YOUR WEBSITE. THE STORIES ARE HEART WRENCHING AND I MYSELF AM A MOTHER OF A 21 YEAR OLD SON WHO HAS RECENTLY GIVEN UP HIS LIFE TO CRACK. (I HATE THE WORD CRACK) PEOPLE TELL ME TO GIVE UP, I  DONT KNOW HOW TO GIVE UP ON MY CHILD AND I CANT EXCEPT THAT I NEED TO DO THAT IN ORDER TO SAVE MYSELF AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS. ARE THERE ANY SUCCESS STORIES? I HAVE A YOUNGER CHILD WHOM I AM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT KNOWING THAT HE HAS A DRUG ADDICTED BROTHER WHO MAY NEVER AGAIN BE WHO HE WAS BEFORE CRACK CAME INTO OUR LIVES. HOW DO I HELP HIM UNDERSTAND? I NEED TO TALK TO PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP ME DO WHAT I NEED TO DO BEFORE ITS TOO LATE FOR ALL OF US .  THANKS FOR THIS WEBSITE.  


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Subject: Submit My Story

I was reading the stories that others have submitted and I can't help but feel a little discouraged.  I am in somewhat of the same situation that most have talked about.  My husband and I are newlyweds as of Feb. 2004 and I have recently given birth to my second child (his first).  My husband is the most amazing man that I have ever met. He is so attractive and has the most beautiful blue eyes (when you can see them) and we have a beautiful family. We have been together going on 4 years.  When we first met, he told me that he attended night classes for his trade, but to later find out they were really AA meetings that he attended and his "room-mate" was actually his AA sponsor.  He explained that he had a lot of problems in the past and I didn't think anything of it . I thought that it was great that he was getting help for a problem that he acknowledged. He treated me like a queen, far better than I have ever been treated. We fell in love fast and he eventually moved out on his own. Then things started to fall apart.  There are too many occasions that he left me home waiting for him (too many to remember). Too many times that he left me at work with no way home (he would use my car) and no way to pick my daughter up from the sitter. He even left my daughter and myself at wal-mart. He missed the birth of our now nine month old son and was incarcerated 2 weeks after he was born for a total of 8 months.  He has told me over and again that he has found God, that he will never do it again etc.  It is now going on 5 weeks that he has been clean. But I still hide my money, I still hound him if he is thirty minutes late getting home, I call him constantly during the day while we are both working, and every night when I get home I ask him if he has done any drugs.  I feel like I will never be able to trust him, like our marriage is hopeless because I can't trust him.  I feel like I am just as sick as he is and I have never done drugs. I love our children and the thought that our family could be normal one day.  But I can't help to ask myself over and over if my dream of us having a normal life together is just not possible. I just don't understand.  Are there any happy endings? 

A


From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hey there,

    Where do I begin? I am a 22 year old college senior at a well-renowned university.  I'm an excellent student and, for the most part, "have my stuff together".  I came back to school this past fall for my senior year and was introduced to my good guy friends' new roomate: a 29 year old musician.  I had heard from friends that his situation was a bit sketchy - he had moved to the town with his then girlfriend to live with her sister for the summer and they broke up soon after arriving.  He decided to stay and work on writing music before moving back to L.A. and working with the record company with whom he has a contract.

    Anyway, upon meeting me he seemed to be enthralled with me.  We immediately started to spend all of our time together and he wouldn't shut up about how wonderful I was, how he had never been with a girl like me, how I was too good for him and how he didn't deserve me.  I was flattered to say the least.  I quickly became infatuated with him - his musical talent, his ambition and charisma, his confidence, his energy...everything about him sucked me in, like a drug.  I had never met someone like him before, so full of life and passion, and even more, so mesmerized by me (so it seemed).  He wrote songs about me, took me out to dinners, drove me to and picked me up from class, washed my car for me, and showered me with love every second he was around me.  

    As time went on I learned more about him, things that he told me and that my friends told me about him -- he was a cocaine dealer for just under a decade, he was addicted to crack, he has experimented with every drug possible, he's been to jail for drug possession, etc. etc.  But he insisted this was all in his past, that he had turned his life around.  Naively, I believed.  I knew he still smoked pot, but thats a much more socially acceptable drug, so it didn't seem like a big deal to me.  He never spoke of smoking crack, I never saw it.

    He spent every single night with me, and when I wasn't in class and he wasn't at work we were generally together.  Honestly, it was probably the best time of my life.  I had never experienced such highs from just spending time with someone -- it felt unreal.

  So, about a month ago, he went back to Boston to finish recording his album with his fellow musician friends.  He would call and tell me that it was so hard to be there, because all of his friends were his drug friends and he doesn't do drugs anymore.  He said he felt like he had no friends left and that everyone was just wasting away.  He always talked about everyone else's drug problems.  When I said that it must have been hard for him to quit and that must have taken a lot of will power - he said, "No, it's easy...people don't really how easy it actually is".  This is a crack addiction we are talking about here...he told me that it was easy to quit smoking crack.

  Anyway, a pattern began to develop where he would tell me "I love you, I'll call you tomorrow" and I wouldn't hear for him for 3 to 5 days.  He would then call and profusely apologize with some excuse or another, making me feel bad for him and thankful that he was okay.  A few weeks ago he told me how skinny he has gotten and how his skin is turning yellow because he has no money to eat.  He told me that he has been very depressed because he misses me so much and having to deal with the record company, recording his album and being away from me is so hard.  Sometimes when I talk to him he sounds so tired and worn-out, so depressed, but other times he is so energized and talks a mile a minute.  A week ago his roomates, upset with him for not yet paying the rent money that he owes, disclosed to me that they suspect that he is still smoking crack because just a few months ago their baking-soda was broken into.  This is accompanied by other stories of him lying to and stealing from these roomates -- most of them hate him.

    I never wanted to believe what these people told me because he never acted that way towards me.  He never stole from me and I never caught him in a lie.  I was convinced that he really was turning his life around, that I had met him after his "bad" days, and that he was starting down the right path.  I had no reason to think otherwise besides what others gossiped about.  I had no real evidence of my own.  The only evidence I had was the immense amount of love and affection he exhibited towards me.

  Now it has been 4 days since I have heard from him again...he was supposed to be back in town 2 days ago - I had plans to pick him up at the bus station, but he never showed up and never called to say he wasn't coming.  Still no word.  I can't help but think that he is in fact still smoking crack, and that is the reason for this behavior.  It is literally driving me crazy because I have no answers, no solid evidence, and am left to wonder and assume.

  I realize that I have to walk away, but it is very painful, as I said - I felt happier with him than I ever have in my life.  I can't fathom how something that seemed so wonderful went so wrong.  I don't understand how someone who thought you were the most amazing thing to ever happen to them can go days on end without contacting you.  This is what is most unbearable - feeling decieved, blinded and naive.  I am an intelligent woman, and I realize that this is destructive, that he is more than likely still a drug-addict, and that I can't change that.  I guess the hardest part is that I will never really know if he is clean or not, and I will have to live with the fact that my decision to walk away from him could possibly be based on false beliefs.  But, as they say, if it looks like something and smells like something, it probably is that something.

  Well, thanks for listening to my story.  I hope, if nothing else, it makes you feel less alone in your struggles.  Just remember, it is not your fault...sometimes life throws us curves that we didn't ask for and definitly never expected...the best we can do is make good decisions and take care of our emotional, mental and physical well-being.  Good luck to all of you.

 Sincerely,

Blinded By Love


From: 
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit My Storytory

My story has ups and alot of downs.  We all know the crack epidemic really was hot in the 80's, well at the time I was a little girl, around 10 lets say.  Well I never knew what drug what was effecting my community, until I heard kids at school say "crackheads".  Of course I was very aware of "weed" and "liquor", but crack what was the drug of choice for my sister.  I was the youngest of 3 girls, my oldest sister was just beautiful, pretty golden skin, nice hair, nice eyes, just pretty and everyone recognized it.  Me seeing her sometimes talking loud to people didn't bother me, me seeing her drinking a beer or two or maybe three didn't effect me.  Things started changing, I mean quickly, her appearance was looking horrible, I mean her beautiful skin was no longer golden or bright, I still didn't suspect my sister as being a addict.  But then, when things got worse they were worse and didn't get any better.  I had to be about 13 years old, we get a call at 1:30am, saying  she needed some help.  She was out whoring and got picked up, not knowing this trick had a treat....the man beat her, raped her and snatched a plug out of her hair.

When we finally got her, her face was huge, if you didn't know her you wouldn't recognized her.

That was one of the worst times that the family had to face.  But one that cannot be changed, is this one.   She had wanted to stop smoking crack so she decided to go into treatment, got out of treatment and was doing fine, for the moment.  She lived with us, so we pretty much we knew most of her  movements. One day I guess she got a home sick of the streets and went out, we didn't hear from her for hours.  Until the police came to the house at 12am with a picture asking us to identify her, imagine this was the worst thing that could ever happen, it was homicide, and it was a positive identification of my sister,  she was shot once in the head and found dead in a alley hidden under a pile of leaves.  They threw her away like yesterdays trash.  The streets, the drugs, she probably never thought she would be resting in peace in a dirty alley.  The drug is powerful, and it is the worst thing that could have happened to low income recipients and their love ones.  Some people addictions ends with good results, but my sisters life was taken for drugs, and because she didn't want to whore that day she just wanted to get "high", so they killed her, her life was nothing to them.  But a life waisted.

This is my story,

G


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit My Storytory

My story has ups and alot of downs.  We all know the crack epidemic really was hot in the 80's, well at the time I was a little girl, around 10 lets say.  Well I never knew what drug what was effecting my community, until I heard kids at school say "crackheads".  Of course I was very aware of "weed" and "liquor", but crack what was the drug of choice for my sister.  I was the youngest of 3 girls, my oldest sister was just beautiful, pretty golden skin, nice hair, nice eyes, just pretty and everyone recognized it.  Me seeing her sometimes talking loud to people didn't bother me, me seeing her drinking a beer or two or maybe three didn't effect me.  Things started changing, I mean quickly, her appearance was looking horrible, I mean her beautiful skin was no longer golden or bright, I still didn't suspect my sister as being a addict.  But then, when things got worse they were worse and didn't get any better.  I had to be about 13 years old, we get a call at 1:30am, saying  she needed some help.  She was out whoring and got picked up, not knowing this trick had a treat....the man beat her, raped her and snatched a plug out of her hair.

When we finally got her, her face was huge, if you didn't know her you wouldn't recognized her.

That was one of the worst times that the family had to face.  But one that cannot be changed, is this one.   She had wanted to stop smoking crack so she decided to go into treatment, got out of treatment and was doing fine, for the moment.  She lived with us, so we pretty much we knew most of her  movements. One day I guess she got a home sick of the streets and went out, we didn't hear from her for hours.  Until the police came to the house at 12am with a picture asking us to identify her, imagine this was the worst thing that could ever happen, it was homicide, and it was a positive identification of my sister,  she was shot once in the head and found dead in a alley hidden under a pile of leaves.  They threw her away like yesterdays trash.  The streets, the drugs, she probably never thought she would be resting in peace in a dirty alley.  The drug is powerful, and it is the worst thing that could have happened to low income recipients and their love ones.  Some people addictions ends with good results, but my sisters life was taken for drugs, and because she didn't want to whore that day she just wanted to get "high", so they killed her, her life was nothing to them.  But a life waisted.

This is my story,

Gabby


From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Have I got a story for you..I hope you're sitting down.   
I was married for many years and in process of divorce.  It was HER choice and No, i never was unfaithful to her..but thats another soap opera.  I somehow became involved with the gay population and am "dating" etc. a gay guy who is 39 and has many issues.  You'd think that I would know what to do.  My help didnt work on my wife so why do I think I can help him?
He lied to me when we first met and as time went on, I found out he has done many things he shouldnt have..U name it and he's done it.  Seems his drug of preference is coke/smoking crack.  I caught him lying to me in April, called at 11pm and said he was sleeping at his Dad's, then I find out he left and went to a crack house where (Coincidentally) his ex-partner was and he blew $400 on drugs and came home around 5"30am.  I was so close to leaving him.  The ONLY thing holding me by a thread was that he admitted he had a problem - finally, and agreed to stop.  He said he did not have sex at all  as I wondered how he could stay for 6  1/2 hours? what did they do? etc? He said he has willpower to stop and wants to live a normal life as there is no future in drugs.  I told him that no matter how much I want him to change, HE has to do it, I cant do it for him.  He has little money but he gives me his paycheck now and I give him an allowance so he doesn't have that temptation.  But I'm not with him and the drugs are very available to him even at work.  He wants to move in with me and agreed to do a program if needed. But I have an 18 yr old daughter with me and I can't jeopardize her health or safety.  He hasn't taken anything from me, materially that I know of.  And I do believe he's trying. He said he hasn't done anything since April.  I know that's not a long time but I look at each day as progress.  I never did drugs so I don't know what coke/cocain does to you nor the symptoms to tell if he's using.  I try to keep my eyes open but he can be very skillful in manipulating and i know I'm vulnerable since I havent recovered from my divorce etc.  The truth always comes out eventually, maybe not tomorrow or next week but eventually.  I just can't wait for it to show.  I don't want to enable him but I want to support and help him.  Any suggestions are appreciated. Thank you so much.
C.

 

From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Dear Steve,

I am 21,living on my own,going to school,and moving on with my life. My mother is a crack addict. She was clean for 6 yrs. of my life,and in 2002 she relapsed. During my childhood she was in and out of jail,and spent time in Clinton State Prision. She has lied,stolen,physically and emotionally abused me. I lived with my grandmother until 1998,when I moved in with my mother. I finally had some trust in her to be with her. But all of that changed on December 19th 2002. I had just finished an exam at college and arrived home before going to work. I was greeted by my mother who was standing in the kitchen looking very strange. I asked her what was wrong, and she looked at me and said "I've been using." Those words still echoe through me. I thought she was joking,I don't know why,but I did. And when she didn't laugh,I knew it was true. But how? She was clean for 6 yrs. What would possess her to go back? But I knew..she was an addict. She spent more of her life being an addict,than she did being sober. So I thought,ok,I can get her help. Little did I know,that was the calm before the storm. She made me promise to keep it a secret from my grandmother. Reluctantly,I did. But it wasn't long before she broke down and told her herself. My grandmother is the biggest enabler,always has been. She will bury her daughter because she has brought the shovel upon which her daughter has dug her hole. I also learned she had written bad checks and bought and sold thousands of dollars of merchandise. The days after I found out the news,were the worst. I felt like I was the mother watching the child to see if she was ok and "being good". I stayed home from work on December 26,2002 because I was sick,very sick. That night,I remember going to bed at 10. I was woken up at 3am to my mother screaming that there was a fire,and to get out. I ran outside with a gray tank top,blue pants and no socks in the dead of winter with snow on the ground. The neighbors heard screams and ran outside. I watched in disbelief as the fire spread from my mothers bedroom in one end,to mine in the other end. I lost everything,but I'm alive. I thank her only for not being too drugged up to save my life. But I also could've died because of her. I trusted her. If you can't trust your mother,who can you trust? After that night,I went to live with my grandmother,I had nowhere else to go. And my mother did what she did best..she ran. She maxed out all of my credit cards(I'm almost done paying them off). I was 19,I'm 21 now,with my own apartment. I'm going to school,and I work full-time. I have no contact with my mother. There is only so much pain one can endure. I don't know how I have the strength that I do. One things for sure,I am the product of an addict,and I will never forget where I came from.

                                               M


From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story~Bella

Hi Steve!

I have read almost every word in this site and to be truthful with you...I feel more desperate than ever. I am 36 years old and in love with a crack addict. We have lived together for 5.5 years and in January he took a job that requires him to travel. He knew when he took the job that there was a guy he knew that worked on the crew who was on crack. This guy is not is not a mean or deviant person but he is bad news. Anyway, my fiance(yes we have been engaged for a couple of years) started using crack back in the winter and ever since the very first time, has been a different man. He was always here for my daughter and I, but now the only time he calls is when he is paranoid about what I am doing or simply to argue. I have told myself to let him go so many times, but I have held on just like a mother to her child. Today is exactly one week after thankgiving. I spent this Thanksgiving alone. I did not eat and barely have in over 11 days. I have been so depressed. I found out that the last time he left to work out of town he and the other guy took took that guys girlfriend and her sister with them.My fiance had sex with her (the sister)on two different nights. The sister is 19 my fiance is 30 and I am 36. Trust me I had no clue he would do this to me.Actually, just a few weeks before, we decided to get married. Now I see that was just because he was crashing and trying to say the right things after I caught him smoking again. I later find out that this girl has recently been released from prison for drug trafficing. He came home on the wednesday before Thanksgiving, but did not come to our home. He was with her. He even told me she blanked him just fine!!! It is so hard to believe that someone who I KNOW loved me does things that torcher me. He says he wants to come home, but he says only because he loves my daughter, but honestly I think he wants to come here because he needs a safe haven for a couple of days now and then. After reading all this, I feel as helpless as a lost pup! I know now that I need to let him go and see how far he goes. I am a successful person with personal goals of my own and know that I can't keep waitng on him to wake up and realize that life can be so much better for him without drugs and alcohol. When he took this job in January, he didn't even drink! I say a prayer for him every night and then I say one for me. I love him so desperately, but I don't want to feel the pain I have been feeling... forever. He never tells the truth anymore. The crazy thing is that I believe him alot of the times to later come to my senses and realize it was a lie too. God bless everyone that reads this website, because I know and you know .....you're here for a reason and it "ain't" no science project! If any of you pray, please pray for me and my family and especially for him. I say that because I know that he doesn't really want to do this....he seems so powerless over this. God Bless!

B

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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hello Steve,

                   This is my story for all to hear and understand.

IN 1983 while serving in the United States Airforce, I met a guy named Robert. We became friends and both were honorably discharged after serving our time.

I moved to Georgia and two years later we met up again; Only this time Robert had an addiction.

 He is a Crack Head. To make a long story short, I even tried the crap myself to try and understand what was in it that makes people crave. I guess, I am one of the lucky ones to have tried it and never got addicted and never have smoked it ever again.

 There are  many stories to tell of the do's and dont's. 

If one person has a mental disorder such as Schizophrenia, than he or she is living in depression already and often seek isolation from peers and prefer to be alone most of the time.. So if they take the drug Crack, then how can it leave them depressed when it wears off? ...It does'nt,; A person sufferng from Schizophrenia has 10 times the will power and strength to easily quit versus a person that has no mental problems other than a Crack Addiction. This is because the learning process of it is retained by a normal person and lost by a Mental Patient and not retained. The drug has literally no boundry on a Shizophrenic.

This study I have made was passed on to the American Psychiatric Association. I have discovered a very real case of Crack Cocaine that never hooked a Man suffering from Schizophrenia.

I have heard many stories, but this one I am telling you today is based on a true, but one isolation event and not truly tested amongst several people with the disease though, the first results are truly favorable.

The key to getting someone to quit Cocaine Addiction I think, is too first get them to see a Neuropsychologist and find out if they have any Mental Disorders. This is the important element to finding a cure for the Crack Head. Total Abstinence is no good because most will drift back to it eventually. It is Psychological and that is what must be understood in the mind of a Crack Head.

A normal person can use Crack Cocaine and get hooked instantly and crave it and become the Rock.

 An abnormal person can try the Crack Cocaine and just wonder what in the hell is really happening.  Normal Neurotransmitters in normal people are highly affected faster and rapidly than those individuals that are suffering a Mental Illness prior to trying Crack Cociane.

My point is, that Crack Cocaine is a very dangerous drug, but if studied properly by experts, it could be a cure for many illnesses. This is far fetched to say this, but it is true.

My friend is still using Crack as we speak, but I have not given up on him yet.. My main focus was to understand what exactly in the Rock hooks people other than the Cocaine and I find it to be very interesting as far as Psychological Dependence vs. Crack Addiction vs. Mental illness and last , but not least Chemical Dependence.

God Bless You and Remember that in your mind when you feel empty and alone, keep in mind that you are not alone, God is there!

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It has been about 10 years since my older sister began doing "hard" drugs.  She has been arrested and committed more than once.  It is becoming more and more a part of everyday life for my mom and I.  She has "dissappeared" for anywhere from 3 days to 1.5 months.  She has written bad checks, stolen my mom's car, stolen numerous boyfriends' cars- it never ends.  It is never her fault.  It has been my fault, mom's fault, dad's fault for dying when we were younger, boyfriend's fault- you get the picture.  Mom always goes to get her.  No matter what time it is or what is going on.  She refuses to give up hope, but only enables her drug use.  I have given up trying to talk to her about it.  I won't throw pearls before swine anymore or talk to just to hear the sound of my own voice- she DOESN'T listen. 

She is going to get herself killed.  She already has hypertension, but doesn't take her meds with her on her little binges.  Not to mention that she doesn't have any money, jewelry, or vehicles when she goes- so I'm sure she is nothing more than a crack whore, so sooner or later she'll get HIV and die a long painful death, or maybe just end up getting shot or stabbed.    In a way, I wait for the call from my mom- maybe then we can move on.  She used to be so pretty and smart, and now she is a 29 y/o crack whore.  I would give anything to have her back, but that girl is long gone.  Even when she's not high- she isn't the same person.  She relies on anti anxiety/depression drugs, but still ends up in the ER w/ a panic attack.  She is already dying in my mind and heart, as I want to move on w/ life.  I am slowly giving up on her.... 


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Hi Steve this is the first time i read anything about crack cocaine and i am so glad i found your web sight because just reading through made me feel better about my decision .I have a son who will be 28 in june he has done everything under the book it started back when he was about 14 smoking pot and he has gone through the list to now smoking crack . I have tried over the years to help him in and out of hospitals , to psyc. , to treatment centers for cocain , herion , he has been in and out of jail back to treaments and 1/2 way houses . I have supported him emotionally , and finacially , replaced his clothes bought him tvs , radios , food , given him cars . This last time is it for me he went to jail last year for 7 months for violation of probation for a domestic problem we had then he went to a 1/2 way house the only one that would take him . When he was done there we tried myself and the counselors to get him to go somewhere else but home and he would not at first it was ok he had met a really nice girl who has a full time job and is going to coll. full time and he started working at a moving company but that did not last long then he got a job at an antique auction house . After a few weeks i noticed a change in him when we confronted him he said it was herion and found a md to perscribe methadone pills . A few more weeks went by and he was working less and looking terrible very thin and not eating and starting to get messy physically and his space he was always a neat freak . Then the phone calls the needing to get out of the house going in and out all day starting to argue with everyone and blaming everone for being messed up me my marriage his sister who is 20 works full time and goes to coll full time , his grandmother ,his girlfriend everyone but him . Tehn i found stems in his bag and one under his pillow i told him he had to leave the house and get into a long term treatment like daytop for the 2 years they offered him but he was not hearing it . The final straws all came about last week when we noticed our dvd player missing and when we confronted him he got combative with us and swore it was not him and it got worse till he gave my husband a black eye . Then 2 days later when i got back into my work car he must have gone into it and taken my work american express and by the time we got it cancelled he had already used it to purchase 4 days in a row at least 15 cartons of cigs. and a motel room. I told his girlfriend i was done so she took him and got him admitted to some recovery house . A couple of days later she called me to ask if i would call him that he needed a ride to his drs to get his rxs and i did he got a ride took 40 dollars from me a new tv and never went back to the recovery his girlfriend was crying that was 3 days ago . I was feeling so bad about myself and my decision to cut him off completely no phone calls , food , money ,visits .coming home nothing . I cried for 2 days esp. wed. thanksgiving eve and i felt very weepy thanksgiving but that night i went on the computer and read ever part of your site and some of the discussions and it still hurts but i feel much better about my decisions . I understand it is not the same person but a body being controlled by a monster. I will have hope but not at my expense because he almost killed me emotionally , and fin. I have hope because my mother is a recovering addict 20 = years now but from herion and cocaine and alcohol. My sister is trying to recover fromcrack addiction but she was out on the streets for 16 years and we moved her far away from her old place and she now goes to meetings drs and psy almost every day it has only been 5 months but she has killed herself so much that her brain is fried and i know she hit bottom hard . But she is 40 and has lost 20 years and 5 children from her life . So i pray for my son but had to take control of myself and what i could still live with and that does not include enabling him . I know this was long but it the first time i have gotten this off my chest and felt a little peace with myself and my decisions. Thank you so much for this site and i hope more people find it .G


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This is my second attempt to write "my" story. During my first, my addict came home, briefly, promising to return in 30 minutes. Yeah, right. I do have to say he did pay the water bill today 5 minutes before the office closed, knowing the cut-off would come tomorrow. I guess I should be thankful. Fortunately, my addict works almost everyday, but unfortunately, gets paid everyday. When he has money he usually comes home and smokes. When he doesn't, I can plan on not seeing him that evening because he has to use elsewhere, with "friends."

After a rough 12 year marriage, I thought I had met a prince. A charismatic server at a local restaruant, I had been attracted to him for a long time, but never imagined getting to go out with him. I was thrilled when he showed up at my door and wanted to get to know me better. He is 36 and I am 37. He was good looking, had a great personality, a lot of friends, and my kids ( 7 & 10) loved him. He was respectful and treated me like a lady. We started seeing each other and he never really hid his smoking from me. I just didn't know "how" addicted he was and exactly what it meant. I guess something should have clued me in... he made a decent living, but rented a room in a boarding house. He had very few possessions, no phone- paid only his weekly rent and child support (he has one child- age 18). We started seeing each other after I had gotten my income tax refund. At the time, I had money to pay my bills (without any help from my ex) and to have a little fun. I mean, I liked to party too...drink and smoke a little pot. But his drug of choice was crack. He was always working, but frequently changed jobs, especially after failing to show up because he was out smoking all day or all night  or both. He comes across so well that finding a new employer never seemed to be a problem. He even told me he was not responsible about money. Did that stop me from helping him with his bills... of course not. I helped as much as I could. I borrowed from my brother and parents to "help" him out. My picture should be in the dictionary next to the word "enabler". Eventually we decided it would be better for us to live together and have bills for just one household. I had fallen in love. Then my kids and I went away for about 3 weeks during the summer. I was going out of the country and left my wonderful boyfriend with checks to pay my bills while I was gone.  He started out doing the "right" thing. He mailed my bills on time and paid the in person bills that I had written checks out to. Then came the problem...I had written him a check for $600 to pay off a short term loan that had to be paid in cash. The check got cashed, but the money never made it to the loan office. Then he took my check book and wrote himself checks, a few for $100 each and then one boldly for $700 signing my name. In just a week, he wrote another 30 checks signing my ex's name to local grocery stores to make purchases for alcohol and cash-back for crack. The bills, mostly utilities paid in person, managed to clear my account, but then "his" checks started to clear causing my mortgage and car payment to bounce. When I returned home, my checking account was overdrawn $2000 and I had all the bounced checks & the bank's overdraft fees to deal with. My bank said they didn't care if I wrote the checks or not, they would not refund any checks or service fees.  I would have to press charges and get restitution through the courts. He would probably go to jail. Most of the bounced checks were sent to my bank 2-3 times with my bank charging me $30 each time and the businesses charging me another $35. Oh my God...I couldn't understand how someone that "loved" me could do such a thing. Boy, do I understand now. I am NOT the #1 love of his life, CRACK IS!!!!!   I could have pressed charges, but I felt like I could re-coup my money faster if he was working. This part has held true. He has paid back most of the money, but the problems have continued. When I came home from vacation and my checking account was overdrawn, it took almost all of my money the next month ( I get paid monthly.) to cover the overdraft. That left me unable to pay my mortage or car payment and thus left me 2 months behind and totally dependent on my boyfriend for money. It is now month 4 since this all happened and there are still 17 checks to be paid. I am afraid not to pay all my bills at the first of the month because I never know if he is going to come through or not. I know he has good intentions, but the addiction always comes first. Right now, the electricity is going to be cut off in 2 days and we have hardly any food. I know he won't make enough money to cover the bill, groceries and CRACK. So what is going to happen? I could keep writing, but I am sure you all have heard it before. I guess I am  just not ready to give up on him. I don't know if I will ever be ready. There is only another 10 days in the month. I should be okay next month to pay the bills, but will need help with food and gas for the car. It is so frustrating, but it is my stupidity that keeps me in the relationship.  

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Subject: Submit My Story

Hi Steve,

I have read the stories of people who have been affected by that crack-cocaine . I recently had to let my exboyfriend go for good. I met him seven yrs. ago. I knew nothing about this drug since I am not or never have been a drugh user. the first six months was fine with him. he did not have a job,recently moved into the area with his sister so I started spending time with him, taking him out for jobs, took him to my church, got him involved with the community activities and boom. one day, I left some money in my jacket pocket and found it missing. A called me over to the couch and started crying telling me what he had did. that's when I found out he was an addict. we talked and he asked me to help him. so I introduced him to an outreach minister. he played games with him too.

now seven yrs. later six rehabilitations, four arrest, six different jobs, three cars that he sold for drugs, two felonies on his record. got baptized in the church and then finally the last thing he did was left town.(actually he left the State) I don't know who the heck he met while he was in his last outpatient drug treatment center but, they turned his head inside out. he didn't know a soul in that state. last I heard he was living in a bad trailer park area that is infested with drugs,violence and trouble. he told me he needed to leave and get his life together. I told him if he could'nt do it here what makes him think he could do it 750 miles away where there is no family or friends to lean on. he knew nobody. I was hurt , upset and down right mad because I really tried to help him because he is a good person. but, I guess it wasn't enough for him. but, I was very strong with him. if he was getting high, then he could'nt be around me. no way, I have five grandsons and that is not what I want them to know anything about. but, he is on probation now in the state that he moved to. I should make him pay me for all the items that he took from me over the yrs and then turned his back to me. maybe then he will see that life is not a joke. you cant do bad things to people for your own personal use and think you can get away with it. because it will come back around and bite you. and it might hurt.

thank you and God bless you for your time and patience


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I met a guy who really i fell far i mean everything was great with this man we had great communication and everything, he didn't even looked like he used crack, i mean he worked out and everything, but whatever you do in the dark it will come to the light turned out that he smoked crack, why would anyone want to smoke that stuff, it makes you paranoid, and it brings you down, I wasn't strong enough to deal so i moved on i still think about him and pray he gets delivered but for right now i've moved on with my life, if it was meant to be we will be but he has to be delivered and that 's the God honest truth, I know everybody has to go thru something to get somewhere so i will not talk about crack addicts. I just hate crack period!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you feel me and what's so bad about it why wasn't he straight up with me, that's what kills me i hate all that hiding stuff and lying but i ask God to forgive me for slipping, and also I do forgive him because i feel like it was the drugs


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Subject: submit my story

Hi Steve!

Let me just tell you I am so happy I found your web page.  I've tried looking this up before and all I can ever come up with are the raw hard facts of the drug, nothing that helps me.  I have been in a relationship with an addict for the last 4 years.  We were high school sweethearts and grew from there.  Apparently he had a life I had no clue about!  When we were younger I got sucked in, I guess looking for acceptance or fitting in type thing, to  the crack scene.  I quickly realized it was stupid and something I didn't want and luckily was able to get out quick.  Then I found out I was pregnant.  Thats when I noticed my bf would be out and say he fell asleep at a friends playing video games or some other excuse he could gather up probably before he walked in the door.  His problem didn't get to bad until about a year ago.  He works night shift so come Friday mornings when he would get paid he would never even come home.  No phone calls and not even to come home and change.....he works in a slaughter house.  He'd usually end up coming home around afternoon time but then it would get later and later and has even not come home until Sunday when he has to go back to work.  We have lived on very small amounts of money for the week only getting enough food or whatever to get by until payday when he'd just do it all again.  I'd try and hide the money but he would get violent and threaten and he has this thing with begging and asking and asking until finally you are just like here take it if the crack means that much to you!!!!  I spent our daughters first Christmas alone with her helping her open what few presents we were able to get her  while he was in the apartment right next door. 

I know everyone says that its not you its the addict.  But its so hard to believe.  I love this man and there is no way I could ever hurt him the way hes hurt me.  I always ask him to at least call me even if i don't approve please call me at tell me hey I'm not coming home but I am alive.  I've stressed that for so long and still never once has he called.  I can't understand how he can go and sit with a bunch of adults who have nothing and sit in a roach infested trailer with no running water and sit and smoke crack all day.  Is that more important than coming home and being with me and our 2 kids  ( we now have 2)??  And then when he comes home there is maybe $20 left of his entire weeks pay.  How am I suppose to support 2 babies with that???

So now the story is -- we were getting evicted from our apartment so 2 weeks before I was to have my son I had to move out and move in with my parents, he moved in with his.  I come and visit him and stay with him on the weekends when hes off and he visits on his way to work sometimes.  But nothing has changed he still goes and spends all day Friday out parting.  Its Friday now and I am staying with him while his mother is away to help out him and his dad and he never came home this morning.  Its so frustrating because I have no car ( my car was the only car until he blew it up last week)  the only car is the one his parents just got for him last week.  My daughter is walking around say Dada?? Dada?? with her arms up like wheres he at, luckily my son is only 2 months old and doesn't know hes gone but I know he feels it from me.  But I hate it because I know where he is hes only about 5 min down the road.  I have no one to talk to because I can't have any friends because of him. I just need a friend someone to talk to.  This is just taking its toll on me.  I can't handle this stress anymore.  It hurts so bad.  I'm sick of crying.

please write me back

K


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I don't even know where to begin. I sometimes say that if I could turn the clock back, I would...   However this whole ordeal has been so unbelieveable and painful-and the pain so unbearable that some how I'm not able to totally pin point a day, time or incident where it all started. I will say Steve that I'm so thankful for this site. I first visited here about 2 1/2 years ago after experiencing what I thought was the most heart wrenching season in my life. Well guess what I was wrong and you were right when you said in your T's & O's that I may not have had my head beaten in enough. Over the last 3 or so months I have visited this site practically every day because I need the reality oreintation just that often. My story is the same as everybody eles I feel so alone. I met what I thought was one of the nicest guys you could ever meet he was witty , had dreams and ambitions, seemed to be honest as he told me up front that he had been clean and sober for 5yrs. He started drinking around 12 and took his first hit of cocaine at 14. In his teens he had done every drug imaginable. He was in the navy for 4 yrs where he was drunk and high on weed practically every day of his life. After the navy at age 24 or 25 he began to use crack. He's told me he had a habit of about 400 per day before recovery. Family relationships were ruined, vehicles were wrecked, money was borrowed and stolen, things were sold and pawned. I thought that since he was so upfront and honest about his past(which I believe now he never was really recovering) that he has to be alright. He was definately a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He's done disappearing acts where he was totally unaccesible. Unable to account for time frames and activities. Unable to explain damage to his truck, works everyday at a decent paying job, has no children, no real household expenses(he rents a room at a house that is owned by another recovering addict), but some how he never has money and is always in the negative and having to borrow money from me and others. I've seen a couple of his bank statements and the pattern at which withdrawals were made was also a dead give-a-way. It was at one time approx  $500 drawn out in small amounts throughout the course of the day. He's very nice when he needs something like money or a bill paid but when I'm not feeding or contributing to the addiction directly or indirectly he turns into a dragon and kicks me to the curb.  It hurts so bad to know that I was just a tool, a pawn for his addiction. I've found out about many relationships and interactions with other women. Some of them live in the same world he does others are nice, sweet, giving and nurturing but with little self worth like myself.  some of his inappropraiate interactions were in my presence. Like he was totally unaware of his actions and how hurtful they were. Some of the hurtful thing he has said to me should have made me run like hell. He would often put me down , I could never do anything right.I can't even begin to tell you how extremely selfish he is. I can't even begin to tell you what a master manipulator he is. He can fall in with any crowd and speak their language on any level necessary to try and get what he wants. When I've confronted him with his behaviors , he turns the tables and makes me out to be crazy/insane and says I have issues. And the lies... OMG the lies are some of the most unbelievable, idiot, outlandish lies I've ever heard. He has also been forgetful, noticed lots of trips to the bathroom, down to his basement, constantly blinking his eyes, hocking up phlegm, watery eyes, could never sit still during a movie for more than 15 seconds(really I timed it during a whole 2hr movie once), unexplained marks and rashes on his body, burned,chapped and crusty lips, bad breath, yellowing teeth, poor grooming. One of the major proofs was when he started developing a rapport with other males and female that I know for a fact are known crack addicts and dealers. I have brought it up on occasions that I'm concerned and am aware that he's using. He would either go into a rage and begin to say insulting things to me or not admit either way or deny that it was so. He told me once he would take a urine test but when I called his bluff and bought it, he refused to take it. To this day he has and will never admit he's active in his addiction. I have some many more incidents  that it would take you days to read. Why did I keep going back? It was because I saw the smoke but never saw the fire. And I felt that there was always a chance that I was wrong. And that all the signs and red flags and symptoms were coincedental. And the behaviors where just a part of the residuals from his days of active addiction-and that I could fix him with my love and commitment. Steve when my head was finally beaten in enough and  my heart broken into to what feels like right now irrepairable peices- I  stopped supporting him financially and only supported him emotionally ,I didn't have to end the relationship-he did within less than a week he was in  one with someone else and she is  in love with him. I ask myself how can that be. How can he just walk away and have a life goes on attitude and live happily ever after and I'm left wounded, scarred and unable to put the pieces of my shattered life back together. I've suffered financially. emotionally, mentally. It has affected my sleep, work, other relationships, my concentration, my appetite. I average about 1 hr of sleep per night. I'm constantly tossing and turning because this situation is constanly on my mind. I now suffer with headaches and chest pains,I constantly cry. I wish someone could tell me how to be free from this pain right now at this moment and tell me how I could just go to sleep right now and sleep all night. I guess more of my story will come out as I post and respond to post. I've already been receiving help here as I visit everyday. I pray that as I open up and share I can receive more and heal enough to be a help to someone else.

Thanks for listening


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Subject: Submit My Story

 Hi Steve,

Your web site really hit home for me. I really appreciate your insights as it is typical of my situation. For the last eight months I’ve been seeing a 26 year old woman. She has lived with me for the last ninety days. She is addicted to LORTABS, she is a user of crank, crack, pot and any other pill she can get her hands on. I haven’t been able to prove it to myself, but I believe she also shoots up. I understand your story thoroughly as it is parallel with mine to a great extent. The only difference I see is that Rachel was sexually abused by family members and clergy from age six through fourteen. All male members in a trusted position robbed her of a normal childhood and adolescence. She has lost a child to court ordered adoption because of drugs. Until recently I did not know that Rachel was on crank and crack. She hid it so well. I thought she was just a Lortab addict. We were planning to get engaged by Christmas. That is no longer a reality. She too has disappeared on several occasions only to reappear apologetic. I understood what was going on, but my heart wouldn’t let go. I enabled her by giving money as well as “believing how much she loved me”. We even had the engagement ring picked out. I loved her so very, very much. She ran off with a drug dealer the day before my birthday. On my birthday she called only to blame everyone else but herself. I only wish that I could help her somehow, but I have had enough pain in my life. I only hope that she will reach rock bottom, but I fear that it is too late! I miss her very much and I am sure she will call again, but this time I will have to say drugs or me. I feel bad for addicts, I hate dealers with a passion, but I understand with great compassion the hell that the loved ones of addicts go through. I finally “understand” and the only way I can help is to let go. May God be with her and protect her.

Regards,


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Hi there Steve,

This is M.  I have been to your site many times and have found stories and people who live just like me.  Although very informative and upfront, the reality was very difficult to accept in the beginning.  The statistics for recovery blew me away.  I could hardly believe what I was reading. 

After spending a festive season in a protective shelter, my children and myself made a demand that we would have no more drugs in or around our home.  I filed for sole custody of the children immediately and spent money on lawyers that I didn't have.  We sacrificed alot in order to merely survive.  I did everything I could to hold on to our home, but finally realized that I couldn't possibly afford to stay any longer.  I was forced to sell and have recently purchased a smaller and much cheaper property.

The addict that stole from us and dictated our every move still haunts us.  He has found our new residence and has made many threats to "take us down".  I have taken in a temporary roommate and her daughter, which has enraged him immensely.  The daughter is black and the addict is extremely prejudice.  He has called her names and also threatened her life verbally.  I have been to the local police department and they have told me that they are aware of the situation, but unfortunately they tell me that there is nothing they can do at this time.  What are they waiting for??  Are they waiting until the horrific deed is actually done.  I'm afraid for the girl and am trying desperately to find them another home.  I could not live with myself if anything were to happen to her.

Crack makes nice people into horrible MONSTERS!!!

Thanks for letting me vent.  I'm off to the courthouse now to check into an order to keep the MONSTER away from my home.

I would so like to believe that there is hope, but after being manipulated, lied to, stolen from, slandered, threatened, etc., etc., it's hard to find the energy to believe in someone who has treated his family, friends and most of all, himself, like he has.  At some point, we all give up the fight.

M

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I am a 48 year old, single, white, professional female.  I have 2 grown sons.  I've been married and divorced, twice.  A few months ago, after giving up on ever meeting someone to fall in love with, I met "The One".  He is from a prominent music family and has been trying to establish himself in the music business as well.  When I met him he was very honest with me about his past, including his prison terms and his alcohol addiction.  It took a few weeks into our relationship before I realized how serious it was.  He also told me he was married, but separated and his wife wanted to reconcile. One day we were driving when he asked me if I had ever smoked crack.  I said no.  I had however, in my younger years, tried just about every drug there was to be tried.  I thought, since I don't have an addictive personality, that was the reason I never got addicted to anything.  Plus, I had heard such bad things about crack I never wanted to try it.  He proceeded to tell me about what a wonderful high it was, and he would make sure nothing bad would happen to me.  I guess I was so in love with him that I said yes.  We wound up in a filthy, cockroach infested hotel room with a couple of crack addicts, smoking until the sun came up.  The first time I tried it, a wonderful sense of euphoria came over me, my ears started ringing, I felt like I was having an orgasm. Of course, this feeling was gone in a few minutes, replaced with the typical feeling one has after snorting, the numb tongue, the dry mouth, the rapid heartbeat.  I didn't smoke that much that night, which was probably a good thing. After we got back to my house he talked me into going back out at 6am to buy more.  He supplied the money, I just tagged along. 

Fast forward two weeks later.  His wife has moved back in with him, and he calls me from time to time, usually after a fight with her, and he's been drinking.  Sometimes he suggests getting high.  I tell him no, and even though he does try to push it, I say no.  He eventually gives up, he doesn't go off by himself to score.

This past Thursday, the addict who has been our "go between" with the dealer called me.  He was destitute and wanted to borrow some money.  I felt bad and eventually said I would give him some, and I didn't expect any back.  I knew he wouldn't use it to buy crack, since he never has to, he always gets enough in his dealing. I drove down to this horrible neighborhood and gave him $50.  He reached in his pocket and gave me a $50 rock.  He said it was from his stash and he felt like he owed it to me. 

I got home, took a hot bath and decided to smoke a little.  It was intense.  I didn't know how I was going to come down.  At that moment the love of my life called.  I told him what was going on....and he came over.  To make a real long story short...we wound up spending 3 days on a crack binge.  He spent almost $650.  My tongue and gums are covered in sores.  My face is full of blackheads (can't figure that out!) My throat hurts. I can't seem to get clean.  He is home right now, with his wife, supposedly telling her it's all over between them, but I doubt it. However, what if that's true, what if he decides to come to me?  He's not a crack addict, YET.   I don't crave smoking the crack right now...and to be honest, all I wanted to do was to get a rock, come home, to my nice home, smoke it, make love and go to sleep.  But that didn't happen.  I feel horrible...I feel like a whore, I feel dirty...and I don't know what to do about it....except cry....

Thanks for reading this. 

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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hi...i found this wonderful website and i was so thankful for the information....My best friend"s husband is addicted to crack....he smoked in front of my husband one hight as a cry for help, fully knowing my husband would not keep it a secret....my husband told his wife...she revelaed that he had been dealing it but didnt think he was using it despite all the visible symptoms, ie. losing weight, not sleeping, disappearing, even hallucinating...When she confronted her husband, he admitted it all but said he would "kick the habit" on his own....I sent my friend numerous articles and websites describing how almost impossible that would be...Well, its no shock to any of us that he has again admitted that he has been using this whole time, has swore on his childrens' lives that he wasnt using when he was, said he wanted to kill himself and wrote a note saying he was going to rehab when he actually disappeared for the day and never went to rehab....he finally called his wife and asked her to meet him at the beach...she did and he agreed only to outpatient treatment not inpatient...she unfortunately believes whatever he says to despite the fact that he has lied so many times....i dont see any hope...i worry about his 2 beautiful little girls and my friend


From: 
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hello,

   I want to thank you for trying to help me understand exactly what was going on here. I feel all the things that you warn against. I stumble around my house bumping into walls trying to wrap my mind around what I just went through. I watched a girl, who had in my eyes  everything she would ever need. In 3 weeks I watched her lose her son, her apartment, her car(already paid off)her job. All of her possesions.I was the person who was helping her carry on her addiction. I only knew her for 4 months.I had to throw everything this girl ever owned into the trash.Furniture, pictures clothes everything she owned. I know why I had to but I still cant understand it.I dont feel right doing it..its not the way we are supposed to be.I watched all of the people who said they loved her write her off one by one. Till all that she had left was her addict "friends".I finally got the story , not that it made it any easier to understand. Apparently she had had a problem with the powder and had been through rehab a few years ago. I found all this out after the fact from her sister.It has been 1 week since she left my house. Her dealer or at least the person she is staying with called me to tell me she was there.She went out an a 5 day binge and her car got towed from where she left it.I still feel bad and just needed someone to talk to about this.I have read your page over and over and I will keep reading it over and over . I just dont understand.


From: 
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

A TIME TO TRY, A TIME TO WALK AWAY

I married Pete, a former crack addict, last December.  We've known each other since 1990, when he was a mere pot smoker and I was in college.  We were apart for years, but when we found each other last year we knew immediately we wanted to be married.  So romantic. 

No Tolerance!

At this time, Pete was still smoking pot occasionally.  He stopped after the first toke when I laid down my ZERO TOLERANCE drug policy--one which I highly recommend.  This means that on the FIRST OFFENSE, the offender is out of the house.  Do not give anybody "three chances" unless you just feel like being hurt over and over again.  This, by the way, was the only wise thing I did in this whole relationship.

I knew Pete had been off crack for 18 months.  He said he'd been saved, quit cold turkey, and just walked away from the crack houses.  Him falling off the wagon wasn't a consideration, since we've spent most of our time together fighting false charges filed against him by a former acquaintance only a week after we met.  In retrospect, I suppose this forced him to be on "best behavior" since I was footing thousands in legal bills.

Christians Can Be Addicts Too

About the time Pete got saved, he says God woke him in the middle of the night and told him to grow and straighten his hair.  Thus, when the woman he used to know claimed he robbed her, she described him as he was when he was a crack addict.     Yes, this shows he's a Christian and a committed one too.  Unfortunately, as with the vindictive woman, Pete's former life keeps trying to reclaim him.

For example, in the past few weeks he has had numerous dreams of getting high.  He responds to these by jumping out of bed and sleeping in the living room with the TV blaring religious broadcasts.  He says he knows of others who have had these dreams, so I mention it for informational purposes only.  The dreams are apparently a warning sign.  At this same time, he started drinking more and more.  A HUGE warning sign.

Good News/Bad News

Things began to fall apart when we got good news about his case being closed without going to jury trial.  We planned to celebrate with a camping trip, but Pete couldn't wait.  He said he kept feeling that the occasion hadn't been properly celebrated.  This "feeling" has been confirmed by a coworker of mine who is a former addict.  She said even now years later, when there's something to celebrate she immediately thinks of getting high and has to turn her thoughts to other things.

So there we were on a Friday (his pay day), arranging to go camping the next day and celebrate the end of his case.  We never made it.  Pete bought a bottle of champagne and drank half of it before I got home from work.  As I was getting out of my car he came out to meet me, in an irritable mood (The Argument), and then he went "fishing."

When Fishing is a Bad Thing

(Note: Now that I've read Steve's story and recommendations, I realize that fishing by himself has been the worst thing Pete could do.  Yes, he'd moved to a new town in a dry county, and fishing helps him relax.  But then he started fishing for catfish all night several nights a week.  This gave him the feeling that nobody was watching and took away all sense of accountability.  For all I know, he's been smoking pot or crack in what he thought were small "harmless" amounts all this time.  Hint: There is no such thing as a "harmless" amount.)

It added up to disaster--something to celebrate, half a bottle of champagne to deaden his conscience, and a whole night to do anything he wanted.  Pete usually calls me once or twice when he fishes, and if he isn't home by 5am, I call him.  This time was very different--his phone was turned off the whole night and he didn't come home until around 11:30 the next morning. 

No Credit for Immediate Confessions

As he crashed, he told me he owed me $150.  This was a shock because he's never taken money from my bank account like that.  In fact the only money problem I've had with him is all the worms he buys at Wal-Mart. 

I should state here that our incomes are vastly different.  As a former crackhead, he has "worked his way up" in the past 18 months to a part time line cook at a local restaurant (yes, he's lazy).  I make well above the median salary, so in truth I'm a prime target for someone like Pete.   I'm told I have a need to rescue people, so I am also the worst thing for him.  This does not make me the cause of his addiction, but I have to recognize that for him to heal, I have to see myself as poison to him.  I have to stay away.

That seems to be the decision for all of us.  Either be the full-time babysitter, which I was willing to do as long as my zero tolerance drug policy was in effect, or leave the person totally alone.  Put another way, they can be 100% accountable to you or 0%.  You can't trust anything in between. 

And don't give "credit" for confessions.  It's not like going to Confession--it doesn't make the problem go away, and doesn't deserve a reward.

Act Fast, Don't Look Back

When Pete came in and crashed, I knew it had to be drugs.  He kept saying he was drunk, but drunk people don't run up a $150 bar tab--particularly not $40 at a time.  If you see charges like this on  your statement, the experts tell me it's rocks.  Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.  But first get the debit or credit card and cut it up, then close the account immediately. 

According to my drug policy, there were no "second chances."  I dealt with his card, packed my stuff, and left until I could confirm what really happened.  He didn't admit to the crack until much later--I had to figure it out between my banking information and a friend who went through this same thing. 

I haven't seen Peter face to face since then, as I made him move to a motel--which he pays for with his own money.  This leaves him broke, which is the best possible thing for him.  I have no idea how this story is going to end, although Steve and the others I'm consulting with tell me our chances are slim to none.

Selfish Is As Selfish Does

This is heartbreaking for me, but I have to be clear on the fact that, as Steve says on this site, I am Pete's second or third priority.  My therapist says that people who are addicts, whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, work, you name it, are inherently selfish--their cravings are first priority no matter what it costs anybody else.  Yes, he tells me he loves me all the time, but I have to stick with what I know to be true.  Watch the actions--be deaf to the words.

Before I married him, I knew that Pete was a former addict, and I have known that he is essentially a selfish, childish person who cannot accept responsibility for his actions.  The latter problem alone was something I thought we could work out through our therapist, but both problems together spell disaster.  Only God can fix this situation--and he can't do it if I'm in the way.  This means that I have to live alone and "get a life" for the next several months, maybe years.  Pete will do what Pete does.  Other than letting him know I love him, and that by loving him I'm staying away, I am not a participant in his life.

To File Or Not To File?

If anyone else can identify with this situation and is considering divorce, here's where I'm at so far:  I advised Pete that the next time I find out he has taken drugs, I will have to file for legal purposes--it doesn't mean I don't love him. 

Some will say waiting even 10 seconds to file is foolish because he can get credit and add my name to it, or get utilities and add my name.  The choice to file is something that has to be considered carefully with the help of your pastor, a therapist (both of which I recommend having), your family, and at least one person who has experience with addicts.  If you do file, I'm told it's best to go through an attorney and not file pro se (for yourself).  This is because of the manipulative nature of crack addicts.

The Road Less Traveled

The choice is clear--stick around and get hurt, or cling to the people you trust and find healing.  This road is painful and heartbreaking, but thanks to sites like this one, none of us are on it alone.

-S


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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

For the first time is 5 days my family is breathing a sigh of relief tonight. But our hearts are still aching, not only for the pain we are going through but the pain another family is feeling as well. My 32 year old nephew has been missing for 3 weeks now. For the past 6 years he has been addicted to crack cocaine. He has not been clean very often in this time. On Friday, August 20th at noon on the news their was a story about a body being found in a dump of a white male. That is all we knew until last night. Then more info. He was in his early 30's, 6 feet tall, thin to medium build, with a front tooth missing. In my heart, I knew it was Stan now. I called my sister, his mom and asked if she had heard from him. Her reply, no and I don't expect to. Then she asked me if I heard the news. I had, and that is why I called. We both felt the same. We called the State Police, got more information and said we would get his dental records today. All day, the pain was unbelievable. It hurt so bad. But, I wanted to know and felt that once we were sure, our pain would finally be over. No more grief and worry and heartache, no more tears. 

Thank God, it is not him. But someone else hurts still, not knowing where their loved one is. And soon, they will find out.

We wonder how long our hearts will ache, is he ever going to get and  stay clean? This is the most intense pain I have ever felt. I want to help, God do I want to help. I want to grab him and shake him and MAKE him stay clean. But, in the end, I cannot, I can only pray that someday, somehow he does it on his own. 

S


From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I'm in love with a crack addict. Some time I feel like I'm going crazy