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From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

My sister is the crackhead in my family. She left her family which was a husband and 6 children....the kids are in therapy because they dont understand how a "mom" could do this to them.  I try to be there for them...unfortunately I live in Michigan and they are in California.  While my mom was dying my sister being the wonderful person she is came and robbed my parents blind, maxed out credit cards stole their vehicle...all the while my mom had no clue what was going on in her own home.  She ruined my family when it was such a difficult time....never went to my mothers funeral....left for awhile and when she found out my dad was leaving her nothing in his will since she "already took hers" never spoke another word to him.....calling me about a year and a half after he died.....wondering how he was doing...missing another funeral...and then having the nerve to say to me "We are all we have left"....Im like hi...and your 6 children.  This is a sick drug and it makes me angry thinking how iti takes over your life and you dont care about anyone or anything....oh and the call came in tonight that my husbands sister is on crack and has been since summer......What a horrible fate for anyone!


From:
Sent:

To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Dear Steve,

 My husband of twenty three years is a crack addict and is also taking vicodin.  I found out about his cocaine addiction a few years ago, but only recently found out about his using crack.  He was clicking a lighter in our kitchen, and when I went in to see what the noise was, he threw something in the trash.  When I looked to see what it was, it was a coke can with holes in it. My husband said it was our son's! Our son was upstairs and heard all of the dialogue. I did not know that the can was a crack pipe until I took it over to my brother's house and asked him what it was. I went to an attorney two days later and found out how difficult it was going to be to have my husband removed from our home.( he will not leave on his own) I told him that I would tell the attorney to set up the process if he refused drug rehab.  He started going to outpatient drug counseling and for awhile, I thought that things were going to be fine again.  I want so badly to have a "normal life" that I tend to see what I want to see until the situation gets really bad. My husband is 47 yrs old and has a great job and two wonderful sons.  He is a good person behind his disease. I found out that he has deleted the savings bonds that we have been saving for twenty three years, and now I am afraid that he will start using our money that is in the bank. he used to use on Thursdays and Fridays because he thought that it would be out of his system by Monday.  He is now using all week.  The drug counselor thought that my husband didn't need to go to therapy anymore because he convinced her that he was better. My husband has come close dying four different times and that still hasn't stopped him. I am going to a counselor and will be seeing a Psychiatrist because of what my husband has done to me.  Our sons are also seeing therapists. I wish I knew what to do.  I have a business in a small town and cannot afford to have a scandal, nor am I able to afford to live on my own. Sometimes I feel as though I can't go on.

Your website has helped me.  I am saddened by seeing that there are so many people like me out there.

 Thanks


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Steve,

I've been reading your site for a few months now and wanted to let you and everyone else know they are not alone.  After 14 years with my ch, I said no more.  Divorced, 2 beautiful kids he refuses to see & blames me for, but I am free.  No more bull shit, no more swallowing the lies.  I ahd to get out of the game and now view it from a different perspective.  The threats intimidation and control are now seen for what they are....desparate attempsts to gain the upper hand.  I have moved on and my kids are better off.  Ignoring the calls and threats to have the local PD check up on me proved more independence than he could handle.  I'm glad he's gone and far away....karma is a beautiful thing and in the end....only God will be left to listen to his pleas and lies.  God isn't going to fall for it though....old age, depresssion and the empty feeling he lives with each day will catch up eventually.                            


From:
Sent:
To: Steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Sumit My Story

 I have read with great sorry most of the letters sent to you.I felt compelled to write. I too am married to a, as I call them a crackhead. What makes my situation so embarrasing is my husband is 61 years old and after 34 yrs. of marriage I must leave the only man I have ever loved. Crack cocain is a tool of the devil, because it brings out all of the other evils in that we can control. My husband has committed adultery with young girls and has even been tricked into believing he has fathered a child by one 28 year old girl. He has lost respect for me and his home. He lies like a rug. Nothing is ever his fault, I am to blame for everything. He says all sorts of mean and ugly things to me and then says I   made him do it. Did I forget to mention he is also an insulin dependant diabetic.He leaves home 5 to 6 days at a time. I am afraid to answer the phone late at night for fear he will be found dead at one of those young girls house. So I constantly find my self on my knees praying to GOD it is the only thing I know to do other than to leave him. I flat out refuse to live the remainder of my years like this. This is his problem, it's what he wants for himself so be it.


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit my story

 

Dearest Crack Head father/husband,

 

 In order for  me  to heal  ...  the next step in  my  recovery      

   ... I  feel ...        

            is  to 'vent'.                

       So I just want to let you know that right now ...   

    I     *      you for that!  

I want to let you know just what a sorry 

specie's of a person

... I feel ...  

you are.

 First and Foremost,

 I want to let you know how truly angry you make me

concerning the Children.

  They are a privilege.

   I   *   that you wont even schedule

one evening to see them ... let alone one day to work on

regaining your 'rights'.

   You don't even have to face anyone to do so.

One simple call would suffice.

Do you desire  Crack ... more than your flesh and blood? 

Come on! 

I'm watching my "Angel Face" turn 13 and my "Little Bit" turn 9.

They are so beautiful and so precious.  

They are so loving, sweet and wonderful. 

Sassy, lean and tall. 

All the beautiful things of Spring! 

A  mere bud of a young ladies ... but still troupers and Tom Boys.

They are just on the  verge of life. 

And so confused.

I hope the Children  find someone like my Father. 

He isn't/wasn't perfect  ...

but he is/was always there.

I love him so very much. 

He's my hero! 

I wish the Children  could feel  like this concerning you. 

It has been such a benefit in my life ... having a Father. 

I hate for your Children ... to 'not'  feel the security that I did as a child

and

 even now as an adult.

These children had a father ...  once upon a time ...  

no matter how brief it was.  

I wish they never did.

Maybe then they wouldn't know what they are missing.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't cry for them. 

These Children deserve a father and

'want' one so bad. 

The Children  will never have the opportunity to 'bond' 

like now    ...    in their lives,     ever again!

You will never be able to make it up to them.

   There is something special about  ... instinct/home/family.   

A place where everything is forgiven ...

when someone 'wants' change...

they are given the right to choose so.

 I  feel the Children's depravation ... because I know what a Father is.

 They are in so much pain ...

You've pushed your son to follow in your footsteps. 

You are your 16 year old son's dealer.

You will answer for this one day.

  I can't fulfill the Children's  needs

It has to be the Father  part of the equation.

A major part of  their  puzzle is missing.

I    *     you for that!   


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit My Story

 Dear Steve,

 Not sure what to do at this point.  I feel so sick to my stomach; my heart palpitates to the point my shoulders hurt.  I have a 29 year old, brain-injured daughter whom I recently found out has been turned on to crack by the "only man who has loved her since her brain surgery."  I have read and re-read almost everything on your site...and it certainly scares the hell out of me.  I don't know how or who to talk to.  How does my husband and I "walk away?" 

 L  


From: Faithful Dove
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: For the children of crack abusers, and others

 Steve, I thought perhaps this could help the moms and dads realize that children around crack addicts are in extreme danger.

 Subject: Blue Ribbon Against Child Abuse


My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,

I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better,
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my Mommy
Would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all,
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.

When I awake I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.

When my Mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.

Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
>From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.

I try and hide
>From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door. He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.


There are thousands of kids out there just like Sarah. And you can
help.

It sickens me to my soul, and if you just read this and don't pass it
on I pray for your forgiveness, because you would have to be one
heartless person to not be affected by this email. And because you are
affected, do something about it!! So all I am asking you to do is take
some time to send this on and acknowledge that this stuff does happen,
and that people like her dad do live in our society, and pray for child
abuse to wither out and die, but also pray for the safety of our youth.

Please pass this poem on as a Blue Ribbon Against Child Abuse because
as crazy as it might sound, it might just indirectly change a life. Hey,
you NEVER know.
 


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Steve,

 i don't know if you want to actually submit this ... but in response to the submitted letter to what crack is, i wanted to submit what can be achieved when crack is omitted.

 C--cleansing of hate

R--refreshing your soul

A--achieving a happy home

C--caring for yourself

K--kissing your children's smiling face

F--free spirit and heart

R--receiving patients and understanding

E--emptying negativity from you thoughts

E--everything sweet that life has to offer

 Crackless


 

Im not going to write a story.  Most of us already know the basic story line.

  For those of you who are not familiar with life w/and near a crackhead I STRONGLY suggest you push the "file tab" at the top that says "Thoughts and Observations".
  Wether you choose to accept or not accept all of this Loonng article of thought....  Well, all I can say to you is get over it, deal with it and accept every word as the gospel truth no matter how you feel or what you think.
  This is the most Impressive "writing" that I have ever read in my entire life.  And I am an extreme bookworm.  I have copied it and sent several people this web site and asked them to push "Thoughts and Observations", So far I have gotten much Praise and Shock of the Truth and Understanding/Insight.
  Do yourself a favor read it, print it, re-read over and over as needed.  And Share when applicable.
 
Ocala Fla.

From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I read the story that Steve wrote about Treatment Centers and he is right on the money when it comes to not working for alot of people. Here is a story about my ex.

 Back in 1978 I met a guy, we both did pot and he got me into Cocaine.  I liked the feel of the drug and after 6 months with him we got married.  On our wedding night we were both snorting and it went on for a couple of years.  One night someone sold us some Cocaine that was called Strawberry Fields (It was pink). It hit me like a ton of bricks, I could not breath right and my heart was having trouble of staying with a beat with my lungs.  I am not a religious person but that night as I was trying to help myself in the bathroom by throwing water in my face and trying to calm down from the drug, I prayed to God that if he let me live threw that I would never do it again.  I started to feel better so I got my face and body dried and went out into the kitchen from the bathroom.  The phone rang and I started to feel bad inside again.  I picked up the phone and the guy that sold my husband and me the coke was on the other end and when I said Hello,  he said to me, I told you it was good stuff.  I then gave the phone to my husband and went up stairs to try and come down from the drug.  My husband just told me don't worry you will be all right. 

Well guess what, It has been sense 1981 and I have never touched the stuff or anything again.  I had the Will Power, should I say that again,  The Will Power to stop and never touch it again. Now the story about Treatment Centers.................

Had to make my husband finally go into rehab after almost losing his job and family.  By now he was doing alot, and even the supervisers knew something was wrong with him, cause he was always a very good worker.  The superviser came up to me and said Ok tell me the truth.  I started to cry and asked them not to fire him but he needed help.  The company was good and helped me put him threw Rehab.  He went and stayed there for a whole month and I was in the meetings with alot of other people that were there to help their loved ones also.  I will tell you when you mention Will Power in those meetings the Rehab center said that is not the way to help someone.  They try and push religion on you.  If you remember the night that I prayed to God and never touch it again, you also need Will Power to stop. If someone that is trying to stop and we know it is addicting substance and we all know that you will have with draw'als. But if you do not have the Will Power then say good bye to your life. 

After 22 years, I did get a Divorce after trying years to help my husband to stop, but now the Crack is so bad (Cocaine is a thing of the past for him) that the life he leads now is going from one friend or relative house to sleep or uses his girlfriends for money and a place to stay.  I find out this information from his girlfriends or my daughter, which we all care, but can not do anything about. I still have the deeds to our four gravesites which we bought when we first got married and I will not sell them just so he will have a place to put his body when it finally gives out.  Yes, he has asked me for the half of them, just so he can sell them and put the Crack up his nose and I did tell him, no, that I still cared.  But his mind is on one thing and that is it.  His daughter and son do not know him anymore and his three grandchildren never see him.  They want to, but his life does not include them, for the fact that the drug is needed more then the love of his children and grandchildren.

You know if only the people that is selling the drug, would get the death penality or an Eye for an Eye and let there brains cells go limp.  Then maybe people in the world that have loved ones on the drug can have a chance to change the addicted lives for the better.


From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 

C--Is for care less of family

R--Is for ruin of the body and mind

A--Is for addiction

C--Is for cheating to get the next fix

K--Is for killing the love that the person has left to share


From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I just let go of my boyfriend who I loved so very deeply for the past 4 years.  He drank, smoked pot and used cocaine which I knew about going in to this relationship.  I didn't use except for alcohol. First coupl;e of months, everything was great.  We went on vacations, and seemed to us and everyone around us, to be so much in love. The first year everything was okay.After a year and a half into the relationship, he got mad at me and choked me with both hands, where I almost passed out. That was the first signs of abuse.

This began a regular pattern of staying in for 2-3 days, sleeping non-stop then going out and partying for him for about 2-3 days.  He would pick some tyope of fight, then be gone.  After he missed one holiday in October, then Thanksgiving, my birthday then Christmas, I packed his stuff and moved him out.  It was very painful.  He cam back, apologized, said he would try and I bought it all and let him move in. It was at this time I believed he started to smoke crack.  His temper became physically violent. And he began

to accuse me of cheating on him.  He would tell me I cheated with so and so, that he saw me climbing out hotel windows, in the parking lot, whatever. NONE of it was true.  He came after me with a baseball bat, and when I didnt open my apartment door, he started hitting me car with the bat.  He also slashed all 4 tires on my car, and I ended up losing my job.  it was at this time I called the police and got an order of protection.     

Two weeks before the court date, he began to sweet talk me, tell me how much he loved me and how he wanted to try.  I would believe him, go to court to help him, then after going to court, he would drop me and run out with his barmaid girlfriend.  This is a small town, and I felt I did not have any friend in the world.  I would believe him, only to get abused again.  He never stopped smoking pot or using drugs.

One day he followed me, pulled me out of the car in broad daylight, and punched me to the ground.  He bit himself and said I did it so if I pressed chaeges he would press charges against me.  The police locked him up and eventually he got off on 100,000 dollar bail.  He still continued with his paranoid ideation of stating I was cheating on him.  Observing it now, he would think something and then make it out to be true.  He began not to be able to differentiate between reality and what were just ideas in his head(fiction) It was very scary to have someone on crack and cocaine, start yelling at you and hovering over you like they are going to hit you, just so they can fight and leave to go use drugs.

Everything he gave me, he took back, t-shirts, underwear, cofee mugs, jewelery, shoes, dresses, bicycle. TV's bathrobes, everything.  Buth then he would come back, profess how much he loved me and I would take him back.  Usually before the court date. Of course I never got my stuff back, but I still helped him.

He went to court, high on cocaine and crack. Started going out with prostitutes and barmaid, and eventually became engaged to the barmaid.  It was at this time I met somebody else, who treated me nicely, no drugs yelling or abuse.

In December he came for my birthday, did not get me anything, but I still took hime back and dropped my new boyfriend of 6 weeks, telling my new boyfriend I have history with the other guy and he wants to try.  Michael sore to me he had not smoke pot or used drugs.  He had oput on weight and looked better.  Again I believed him. Big mistake.   Christmas came and went, no present no card.  He left in the middle to give his other girlfriend and her kids present. I got nothing.  I went to court with him, dropped my order of protection, he pleaded quilty and got 3 years probation for criminal mischief and assault and a controlled sbubstance charge. The ADA and judge humiliated me, like I was out of my mind.  But then again I bought into the lies that he was okay.

New Years Eve, he went out came back at thee, left(probably to pick up more drugs) then came back at 7AM.

His face was reddenned, eyes red and white in the corners of his month.  He started again screaming how I had cheated and that other people were calling him a crackhead thanks to me.  He punched me on my cheek, then left.  He later denied it. He called me up several times later to sell me my christmas presents from last year, a fur coat and snow boots for 500.00.

I swore to myself I would never believe him again, nor let him in the house. I changed my phone numbers.  The smell of crack was in my house.

The bottom line is although you want to believe the drug user so bad you never can.  They tell you what you want to hear, then will end up doing what they want.  I had a year of torment and hell, only to start it again getting physically and mentally abused so he could go out.  

I finally learned to put myself first, and not believe anything he says EVER.  He still wants to meet me but I tell him know. Anybody who jeopardizes my safety amd serenity can not be in my life.

To me they don't get better, unless THEY want to. My choice was to gracefully exit out and learn my lessons from this experience so I do not havwe to repeat them.  Thank you for letting me share. Peace    


From:
Sent:
To: Steve
Subject: RE: trying to submit a story
 

Hi I am the fiancé of an addict. We have been together for 3 years, I found out he was using about 9 months into the relationship. I didn’t have much knowledge of addiction then. But it took time to take a toll. He used to go out and stay out all night and come back and sleep. I still didn’t realize that this was an all out habit. Then things started disappearing..It just got worst until I took a good look at him and realized he started losing weight and just look terrible..He admitted to me that he was using I also heard it from a reliable source but I didn’t know the extent.finally I got fed up and put him out of the apartment. He continued to use. He did finally tell me he was tired and wanted to seek help. I didn’t believe him. So last new years eve we were in church and he looked over at me and said he wanted help.. So then he moved to florida and did really good…for awhile at least. He gotr a job, a car and was living good, I then moved to florida to be with him thinking that we are going to be okay. It took 10 months to be exact or so I think for him to relapse..he started pulling away from me. Then he finally decided he needed to move out because he was unhappy with himself (he has serious childhood issues that are unresolved) he told me it wsnt me and I have come to believe that. I don’t even know if he is truly still doing meetings, I don’t believe that he is.He will resent me for throwing him out but I tell him that I am not the root of your problem I am merely a symptom and unless he faces the root of the problem it will manifest in the worst ways. Which it is doing now. Now that he isliving without me he appears to be happier but I think he is still getting high, but the only difference is I am not there to tell him about it. He still comes over to visit. The last time he came and stayed just days after he moved out, he was burned out from trying to do for everyone else and losing himself..running from his issues is what we call it. He just wanted to be somewhere safe..which meant back home with me. I don’t want to lose this relationship but mentally I am getting drained. I have however decided to klive my life and do the things that are going to make me happy, like start my business , take some classes etc.. enrich myself. I hope that all goes well for us.thank you for letting me share.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

 First I would like to thank you for your site.  I've spent a majority of the evening reading it.  Had I read it earlier, I may have made some different choices over the past couple days.  I have a 22 year old son who has battled substance abuse off and on for several years.  His drug of choice has always been pot.  The past two years he has made great strides in turning his life around.  He has held a good job for over a year, moved out on his own 6 months ago and was finally becoming a responsible, independent adult.  2 days ago all of my hopes and dreams for him were shattered in a matter of minutes.  We have always been close though we live about 1 1/2 hours from each other.  Since Thanksgiving I have noticed an extreme change in him.  My first hint of a problem was my visit to him on Thanksgiving.  I cooked a large meal and took him a tree to decorate.  When I arrived I had to beat on his window to wake him, he slept the entire time I was there except for the 15 minutes it took him to eat.  At the beginning of December he suddenly, without explanation stopped taking my calls.  I then learned through a friend of his that he had taken a leave of absence from his job at the beginning of December.  I have access to his bank account and was concerned that he wasn't returning calls so started checking his account.  No money was leaving the account which concerned me even more.  After 2 weeks of no contact, no money coming out of his account I tried a different resort....text messaging him.  I text messaged him and told him if I didn't receive a call back TODAY I was contacting the police to enter his apartment to make sure he was ok.  FINALLY...A RESPONSE!  He called me and said "Leave me the fuck alone, I'm sleeping."  Well at least I knew he was alive.  On Xmas he showed up at my house after my begging and pleading for him to come but was about 6 hours late.  He acted normal, looked fine except for a sudden acne breakout and runny nose.  I waited until the end of Xmas day before confronting him on his recent behavior and the leave of absence he had taken.  He said he had been falling asleep at work, was afraid of being fired and blamed it on his mono he had 2 years ago acting up.  He said he had gone to the doctor (he did I checked it out) and gotten antibiotics and a doctors excuse.  He told me he didn't want to tell me because he thought I'd flip out and that he was returning to work on Tuesday.  I even overheard him tell a friend he'd be there on the phone.  Initially I thought maybe his mono really is acting up.  He has been to the doctor.  After Xmas however, he immediately returned to not answering the phone.  Friday I awoke at 3 am and something told me I needed to make a visit that day.  I arrived at his home around 10:00, knocked and didn't get an answer.  I knocked on his bedroom window....no answer.  I then went to his landlords.  I am cosigner on his apartment and got a set of keys.  First thing, I unlocked his mailbox.  Mail came pouring out.  It hadn't been opened in days.  I then unlocked his door and there he was passed out on the couch with a large amount of crack on the table, parahanalia everywhere, a scale, mirrors, pipes and residue literally covering everything.  My son is a bit of a neat freak and very particular about his looks and clothes.  The house looked as though it had been ransacked, total pit, clothes strewn everywhere, empty and half full fast food bags, empty bottles of beer and tequila.  I calmly sat on the couch and thought about my next move while he slept....grinding his teeth.  First thing I did was take his cell phone and charger, all the drugs and paraphanelia in site I put in my purse along with his car keys.  I then woke him and calmly asked him if he wanted me to take him to get help.  He was incoherent.  Looked at me, got up...went and got a drink and crawled into bed.  He never spoke a word and didn't even realize I was there.  I then checked every room and there was residue, mirrors, razor blades EVERYWHERE.  His phone rang and it was his ex-g/f.  I answered.  She had returned from college 2 weeks prior.  She immediately asked if he was ok and I said No.  I asked her to meet me so she came to the apartment.  She is a non drug user and immediately told me what she had learned in the past 2 weeks since she'd been home.  She'd gone to visit him and said he had people coming and going constantly, he'd take them to another room and then they'd be on their way.  She said he had all new friends and they were very creepy and strung out.  I remembered he had told me someone had tried to break into his apartment when he was sleeping and cracked a window in his bedroom.  I checked and his window was cracked.  I decided to try and get a court commital on him.  She tried to wake him and asked him if he wanted her to help and his response was do what you need to do.  We got a commital and by 3:00 he was picked up and taken to the hospital.  He will be in the mental health wing until Wednesday when a judge will rule what type of treatment he will have.  Initially he cried and then he was beligerant at the hospital towards me telling me repeatedly you can't help me, I need to do it myself.  He also told me let me fall on my face myself.  After reading your site.....I'm thinking he was probably right.  However, the condition I found him in and the amount of drugs I found.....wouldn't allow me as his mother to shut the door and leave.  This morning I went to his apartment and got rid of everything associated with crack....including the weapons that he suddenly has acquired.  Last night I fielded almost 50 phone calls between 11 pm and 3 pm.  I text messaged his buddies after they'd call and said "familiies in town...ttyl".  I'm hoping that this keeps them from breaking into his apartment.....however now I'm thinking maybe I should've let them.  Today he apologized to me and says he understands why I did what I did.  However, he is obsessed with the thought of going into treatment telling me if he gets inpatient he will run.  He said I decided last night that I am DONE with this drug!  He is also obsessed with his nose and what it has done to his nose.....paranoid he'll have to get a fake one.  Tonite I received another call from him and he wasn't nearly as pleasant as he had been earlier in the day.  Apparently he was told that they were recommending inpatient treatment for him.  He said I will RUN.  I can do this outpatient.  I want to go back to work.  I want to sleep in my own bed....blah, blah, blah.  I said "It is out of my hands now....do what you have to do."  It is heartbreaking, however now I know what I need to do.  Let go.  It will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but he was right.....I need to let him fall on his face.  I'm done.


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 I am different in some ways from the usual writer, because I am the CH in my story. I last used crack in May of 2004. My last drink was on July 8, 2004.  I was an attorney, and so is my ex-wife.  I have two kids, who have moved with their mother to another state.  I am currently suspended from the practice of law, and it is doubtful I will ever be readmitted.  My "best friend" turned me on to crack, and within 18 months I was in the same pattern described in all your letters.  Disappearing for days, and then showing up broke, sick and remorseful.  I finally took off and lived on the street, draining all bank accounts and credit until after 35 days of drugging, I was admitted to a detox ward,and then  rehab. My ex wife served me with divorce papers on Valentines'Day, while I was in a second  court-ordered residential rehab.  I was bitter for her timing, but considering all I had done to her, I should not be surprised.  Another two years passed, and I alternated a few months recovery with a few months crack smoking and binge drinking.  After many sincere efforts to quit, I finally had enough. I got a sponsor, got a home group, and truly worked the 12 steps of AA.  I wake up with a clean conscience, and am trying to salvage my life.  I know I have lost the dream of loving and growing old with the woman I still deeply care for, and have lost the opportunity to actively raise my children.  I am, instead, just a voice on a phone to my kids. 

         I never would have dreamed I could have 18 months clean and sober, as I do now!  The advice I would give the readers is: 1.  DO NOT TRUST a crackhead.  He/she  will sell anything, say anything, steal anything to get that next hit. It is ok to love them, just don't help them.  Don't bail them out of jail. Don't call in sick to their bosses for them. Don't give them anything of value.Don't trust them with your cars, don't trust them with your kids, don't trust them with your home.  Change your locks, get a watchdog...cut them off from any help EXCEPT access to a rehab program which uses a 12 step approach, such as AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) or NA (Narcotics Anonymous). I personally found AA to be a better help because it seemed more serious and less "social" but both programs will work if you work at recovery.  Rehabs are far from a guaranteed solution, and are no reason to let your guard down.  I went through 2 residential 30 day programs and a 6 month out-patient program, and did not recover. What I did learn in rehab were the tools available for recovery, and I learned that there is hope, since so many people around me were recovered.   2.  Alcohol is a drug. Period. No Debate about it. If someone wants to recover they MUST give up ALL mind/mood altering substances.  This is non-negotiable. Drinking leads to drugs, and vice versa. I have often heard it said "I don't get in trouble every time I drink,but every time I get in trouble I have been drinking!!"   3. Crackheads don't enjoy being crackheads.  It is a life of self hatred, desperation, sickness and depression. Crackheads are spiritually bankrupt. They are not animals, although crack does stimulate the animal side of the brain.  I never stopped loving my wife and kids through the whole mess. I simply let crack move ahead of them in priority in my life.  At times I felt like I was trapped in a raging river, and no matter how hard I struggled I was swept away by my addiction, and no efforts seemed to make any progress on my part.  In the end, however, at least so far, I am clean and sober, as healthy and clear thinking as I've been in many years, and I owe it the the people in the fellowship of AA and NA.  There is hope.


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Subject: Submit My Story

 Hello Steve, reading all these stories and some of the other stuff on your website, brought me to tears, because I have experienced so much of what I read.  My addict works, I believe that is the only reason why he works.  I think he has been using for about 6 years and didn't come to realize it until 2 years ago.  I knew he smoked pot sometimes, but he became very open about sniffing cocaine in front of me which I found very disrespectful and when I told him, he would say he had it under control and started to spend more time in the bathroom.  I use to hear a lighter clicking over and over again, and I was stupid enough to think "boy, he sure is smoking alot of cigarettes".  I didn't think anything else was wrong because use to have difficulty using the bathroom.  Anyway, his behavior started to change, anything and everything that the kids and I did bothered him, YES, he would pick fights on purpose for no reason, that was his excuse to staying at a motel that night.  I use to think he was with another woman, but it was him and his pipe and his crack, he was spending about $600 every 2 weeks, didn't care about giving money for bills and had the nerve to ask me to loan him money in between pay checks, he was making close to $20 an hour back then.  He became verbally abusive, more then usual anyway, and when he raised his hand to me, I knew it was over.  On those crash days like you mentioned, he would sleep almost 48 hours straight, unless I woke him up to give him food, he didn't spend time with us or holidays, and when he wasn't high, he had a look of hate in his eyes when he looked at me, because I learned to talk back to him.  I decided I was not going to fear him anymore, and on his 3rd attempt to push me around, he didn't get to hit me, I swung back, I hit him and I told him I hated him to get the hell out of our home, a home which I paid all the bills for years.  That day I went to the police and filed a report, I went to city hall and was granted a order of protection, but I didn't tell them he was a user.  I then went home, had my daughters boyfriend change the locks on the doors because my husband worked 2nd shift, I put outside between the 2 front doors, the most important things he would be able to fit in his car, called my brother in law and told him, to let his brother know not to come home or I would be forced to call the police and he would be arrested.  I was afraid for a long time, didn't trust him, because when he got angry he use to say he would burn the house down with the kids and me in it.  I prayed every day for strength and courage, I had things fixed around the house that had been broken for years, I opened up blinds to let the sunshine in.  My home felt like the devil was gone, my children and I were living again instead of existing.  It has been over 1 year since we split up, it still hurts and sometimes I cry, because I can't believe crack was more important than our 15 years together.  He had a rude awakening, I convinced him that we needed to sell the house, gave him 1/2 the money and I moved to another town in the same state, he had a rude awakening because he thought I would stay with him forever, he is still using, and YES I still worry about him, wish I could find the man he use to be again, the man that once loved me and I loved him.  I look at him and can't hate him, because I know it was the using of crack that changed him, but inside I am angry and always will be..........thanks for listening...heart broken V


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Subject: Crack Reality Email

 Each story that I read relates to one experience or other that my husband and I have felt and gone through.  Also as many others we didn’t know our 20 year old son was a crack addict either.  It took us 6 years to put it together and realize all the wasted love, effort and what an emotionally draining experience this all is. 

My surprise mainly about this whole experience is why didn’t the professionals that have treated him, arrested him, and incarcerated him explain this to us; surely their expertise saw the condition.  What a waste of precious time if only we had this knowledge when he was 14-15.  This drug has been humiliating, deceitful, and most of all has made us think it was our fault.

To date our son has been missing now 3 months. I was told to consider him dead and have the grieving process over and done with as he is; as I call it the living dead.  This process of grieving is difficult and you really never have closure until the actual call or knock on the door comes.  While waiting I have packed a suit bag with his clothing that will be needed for his funeral. Planned out his obituary and where he will be buried along with all the final stages of death when it comes.  Sadly, and with difficulty you get to a point with this drug that the only way out for these people is death as they hold the love of it far more dearly than you or any other person that loves them.  I feel each persons pain as I read these stories and can only feel contempt for those that push this death on our children and loved ones, perhaps one day each pusher or maker of this drug will be made to feel each pain that this causes for those of us that love or loved these sad people that are addicted.

I wish you all a peaceful time this holiday season.


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 Hi Steve:

 I am the former boyfriend of a crack addict.  I gotta tell you this drug is an invention of the devil.  I have been through hell and back with this woman in the 5 months that i had dated her.  I had met her in June 2005 at a local park.  I was instantly captivated by her smile and her radiant beauty.  I thought that this was the gorl of my dreams.  Just goes to show how well you know some people.  Right!  From then on, it started to get more intense and passionate between us.  We Started to talk to each other on the phone.  She is a nurse and was in homes taking care of people who could not fend for themselves.  She was on the verge of moving out of one situation and into another.  I told her if she needed any knid of help to let me know and i would help here.  Well alas, one week later she called me and said that she needed help.  Only it involved money because a friend of hers who has a mental illness had helped her store her stuff.  He was threatening to destroy her stuff so I agreed to help her.  We had moved her stuff out and she hugged me and told me she would love me forever and that I was the normalest and kindest person she had ever met.  I knew she had had a rough life by way of her husband dying nearly 6 years ago of cancer.  When I got into this relationship, I had known that she had smoked pot.  I did not think at the time that it was a big deal.  Through reading information on your site, I now know that it is.  I spent my weekends off from work at her place because she had invited me over.  We had had fun and went out to eat and all.  But she began to ask me for more and more money.  I then found out what it was used for and i was infuriated.  She had said she was sorry for involving me and it would not happen again.  Than later on, she asked if she could borrow my car.  I agreed and she said she would be back to pick me up from work at the end of my overnight shift.  Well she never came.  I was nearly 3 hours late leaving work for home.  When all was said and done, I had no choice but to call the police and report the car stolen.  It turns out that she had loaned my car out to drug dealers for money.  I was infuriated at her.  I saw her in the back of a cop car at 6pm at a local bar when i ultimately got my car back.  fortunately no damage was done.  The problems don't stop there though, the beat goes on, I then found out she had stolen over $1500 total from me.  I was financially sound, but now I was broke and my credit card was maxxed out on cash advances.  I still believed that this was a woman in desperate need of help and what she was going through was a cry for help so i tried to help her.  Nothing was working however.  She continued on this course and I one day had to hold myself back from beating the crap out of her.  This drug destroys even people who dont use it by fragilizing their emotional states.  The day our relationship ended, she had told me things were changing between us and i was not allowed to touch her any more.  She was going back to her dopehead boyfriend whom I thought she was leaving because she had had sex with me.  Boy did i get used and used bad.  I was merely giving her a ride to her drug clinic appoinment and she went psychotic on me because of my driving.  She was not on any drug that day.  It was then that I realized that this woman has very deep emotional problems and I must accept the fact the she may never succeed on getting off the crack or pot for that matter.  I am still somewhat nervous because she has been over to my house and may come back and try to steal stuff out of here.  I am at peace of mind though thanks to reading all the info on your site.  It is number 1 in terms of helpfulness.  It is what encouraged me to write this testimonial.  Oh by the way, I found out that she is also a prostitute and I then went and got myself checked for a social disease.  Thank got i don't have anything.  My emotional state was so fragile that i could not function.  My money situation is now much better.  I am debt free once again which is where i was when I met my girlfriend, the CH.  Things are starting to now get better in my life.  As far as i am concerned, she can have her dopehead friends and have nothing the rest of her life.  I hope she loses her nursing license and hits rock bottom someday.  That would be compensation for all that she put me thorugh.  Thanks steve for allowing us to post our stories on this site and thanks to my great circle of friends out there for getting me through this experience.  I now know that I am a strong person for pulling my self through this experience.  Take care everyone and be strong.

 RT


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 I've been with my crackhead boyfriend for three years. I didn't know the signs of a drug user at first. He started off charming, nice and very attentive to me. Then he started seeing me less and less and when he did come over, he would always be sweating profusely, yelling out in his sleep, asking me for money, etc...It wasn't until 6 months later that I found out from one of his friends that he was a crack addict. I confronted him and he said he only did it a few times but that he could quit anytime. Well it became a huge problem, he was always verbally abusive, and sometimes physically also. I found out that crack addicts have a hard time kicking this habit, but he kept relapsing and I thought but "he's different" and "he loves me and I love him so we can fix this" how wrong I was. How many times I've heard him say he's sick of doing crack, this time he's quitting for real etc.." and I'd always have that hope that maybe this time he has learned a lesson. But nope, he would relapse, lie, have no money and I'd be disappointed over and over.

 He's moved in with me more times than I can count, and been kicked out so many times as well. He went to rehab but only lasted about two weeks because he "missed me and can quit on is own". He would continually start arguments with me, blame it on me and then leave so he can smoke crack. One thing though, although he pawned off everything he pretty much owned that can be pawned, he has never ever pawned off my belongings, or stole from me..

He's lost every job he's ever had..then finally his mom kicked him out and he moved in with me. I told him the conditions of him staying with me were he is not allowed to smoke crack in my place. Well he would wait till I went to bed and smoke a  bit of crack, because on my birthday I got up to use the bathroom and he was on my balcony (where he always smokes it) and I could smell crack. He denied it of course but his jaw was grinding, eyes were darting around and I knew.

Then just recently this past weekend, he was up all night, sleeping all day and laying around in a depression. He missed work half this week and I finally had it. This was not going on in my place anymore. I found a soda can with holes in it in my home, he had a crackhead friend over who stole my dvds (which my addict replaced or else..) and I just finally kicked him out back to his moms. He's a hard one to get rid of..but for some reason he just went after a long argument. I think because smoking crack in my home became a hassle.

Believe me, NOTHING works..!! I've phoned the police on him for doing crack in my home, and they escorted him out but that didn't teach him a lesson. Nothing did.

The morning I kicked him out finally, two days ago, he was crying, saying I'm making a mistake because THIS TIME he's going to quit and go for drug tests, I'll see! And he hasn't really been smoking it, he's just been sick! And that I must be kicking him out because I found someone else, thats it! This whole three years, he's done nothing but accuse me of cheating on him. Even if we've been together 24/7, I've been cheating apparently.

Then he was upset that I took his home away from him..when he knew from the  beginning that if he smoked crack even once, he's out the door. Well this was probably the 30th time in a 6 month time frame and he had run out of chances.

Now he's back at his moms...for him, its always back and forth but he's not coming back to my home to live ever again.

 Being involved with a crackhead is so emotionally, physically and mentally draining! I've  been miserable for most of this 3 years, never been insulted so much in my life, and very depressed. Just like this site says, its impossible to be with a crackhead and be able to maintain a normal life. He's made me and his mom lose jobs as well, you just can't function with an addict and it NEVER GETS BETTER! I don't know where things will go from here, I've got to try to heal and detach, but I also am prepared to leave him for good..I don't want to do this anymore.


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My daughter has been on crack now for a little over 2 months. I have dealt with these people for a very long time and know what I have to do to keep myself safe but OMG, she called us last night. When she called she has now turned everything around on my wife and I and made everything our fault. That we turned our back on her, that we have abandoned her, that my drinking is as bad as her using (even though I have never robbed a house or stolen anything or hurt anyone as a result of my drinking). She points fingers at everyone else to divert any attention to her and everyone in the world is as bad as she is or worse than she is and she is simply trying to get by.

I have dedicated so much of my life to her and given so much of myself to her and now she wants to belittle the man I am, the father I am...Who the hell is she to judge me?? I am a productive citizen, I work in a field where I serve others, I go out of my way to help people and her small and shallow statements actually have an effect on me and have me questioning who I am and who I have been to her. I hate this fucking drug and I hate what it does to people. This truly isnt my child anymore and she is so lost in denial that she cant even see it. I have a saying...

"Sitting in a pile of shit up to your neck and cant even tell it stinks!!"

Thats her!! She has given up her friends and her family so that she can be with a 26 year old, 2 time loser crackhead who she helped rob his mothers house while she was in New Orleans helping people who were left homeless as a result of that tragety. Just think, giving your life and time to go help those in need and all the while, your son and his girlfriend rob your house and take everything...What a bunch of selfish takers and I really do hope they get whats coming to them. I am so frustrated, so mad, so HURT, so very embarrased and she could give a shit less. I want to stay strong, I want to continue to love her but how am I supposed to do that when all she does is shit on me and lie to me? How am I supposed to be supportive of her when I am getting to the point that I cant stand her?

I am on the edge of washing my hands of her and telling her to never call me again but how do you do that with your kids?? How do you tell them that you no longer want contact with them without feeling like a selfish prick myself? I have been dealing wth crackheads for half of my life and have always been the one on the outside giving advice. I never knew how truly difficult it is to face this until I had to face it. For all of those people out there who I have counseled over the years through all of this, I understand now. I have another saying that I am attaching myself to right now...

"The best coaching you get is the coaching you give!"

Now I get to live by my own words and man is it painful! I hope my daughter is proud, I hope she is happy and I hope she realizes what she is doing to everyone around her. Why do people choose to dump on those who love them the most and protect those who could care less? Man, what a weird world and what a twisted sense of humor God has sometimes. Happy holidays people and thanks for letting me vent!!

Love and Peace.........B

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What can I say that has not already been said here on the web site that has helped me back onto the road of sanity????? I have been checking this site out for a few weeks when I actually was still thinking of being his friend after he gets out of jail for stealing my brother's company truck. Ha, I thought, what difference would it make since no one would know and my brother and I already felt like a fool for forgiving him twice for stealing mine. I will try to make it brief but will start from the beginning. His name is Paul, and he showed up one day in October to work for my brother were I also worked. They had known each other on and off for several years. I had only been in Florida since August, moving here to help my brother run his business. Left my home in XXXXXXXX and my support group of Christian friends. Been a single mom for ten years and though I was just shy of 46 I had no knowledge of crack. I never had time for TV or paper as I had two kids, pets, a job, lots of volunteer work, church and kids activities and a home to maintain. I have such a desire to enjoy every minute of life that I was always on the go.When I moved to Florida to be with my family everything changed. No one had the time for me and I felt so alone and overloaded and esp disappointed. Next thing I know we are being hit by 3 hurricanes right when I closed on my house. Though damage was minor It added to my stress of trying to get settled in with my two teens age 13 and 14 and trying to help my brother. I have always been a strong person but I started feeling so lonely. I kept praying for a best friend, someone here to talk to. I had chosen this path of singleness because I never felt anyone would fit in and I did not want to mess up my kids. I am such an outgoing person that I always made friends easily but I had no time then.
     Along comes Paul. When I first talked to him, I thought nothing much except that for being 36 he sure didn't have anything. He said he had come to make a new start then he was sending for his girlfriend. Next thing I know my brother has him helping me at my home and he ends up on my couch. After a month or so of talking till all hours, working together all day, we seem to have bonded. His Gf and him fought allot and kinda split. We felt an attraction and my brother said that Paul would always work hard for me and respect me so why not give him a chance. I was leery as he had 2 sets of kids to pay childsupport on and a sexual offender record for sleeping with a minor ten years ago. Oh..........and did I mention that I heard he disappeared with my brothers truck once but was found that evening. He had been smoking crack. Well what did I know. Maybe I had been too tough on guys over the years and he was so sweet and cute and so positive. I immediately helped him find a room in my subdivision, because now that we were dating I would not let him stay with me. It seemed like a dream come true and all my old friends were happy for me and my family approved. What do they say about holidays???????? Christmas eve he PICKED his first fight and left with my brothers truck. I was horrified. I had never been so nice to anyone in my whole life. So patient and unjudgemental. I could not find him and at 1 a.m. I had to go to his place and ask his roomies to get my kids presents as I had hid them there. I was still in shock. The next morning after much consultation with the special people in my life I went to his place. He was sleeping and I remembered he looked rough. Told him to come over and open all the presents I got him. He seemed odd but he came. He cried as he opened his presents then left to get ours. Came back with stuff for the kids but was crying cuz he said he could not find mine. Said he must of left them in the mall except for the big free lotion gift that came with it. Even went into the mall the next day looking for my stuff. Ha. naive me.
         On the 28th he rode home with me and my other brother was there. Paul seemed weird and said I was almost out of toilet paper and asked if he could take my vehicle to go get some. Silly me even gave him my cell phone. I was feeling so happy and beautiful. He never came back. Not for seven days. Then he called me at work and was crying from a detox center. I knew he would call that day. God had given me a gift of knowing. Thank God my car was fine and some how all my stuff was intact except for the phone. Did need some repair but I still had my rental thanks to my wonderful insurance.
       My brother and his cops friends came back with my car and Paul. I just starred at him. My brother made him clean my car. Later I just wanted to know why and we talked at a park. He cried, I cried. He had been at a crack house and had rented my car. He knew I could not afford another car and that one was paid off. He said he never took his eye off it. Again, naive me, wanted to believe the best. I had found out so much from people in his past I should of known better. By then my heart was winning over my brain. He seemed so lost. I kept seeing him as the little boy who had been beaten and fondled by his dad for so many years. Guess he knew that story, though true, had it's affect on woman.
      He continued to work for us and everyone forgave him. I thought I had showed everyone the forgiveness of Jesus when I accepted him. I wanted to be the light. Things were different after that. Moody. Rushing back and forth to rehab to meet curfews. He always trying to find a way to stay close to me. Jealousy. Suspicion. Controlling. In some ways I guess it worked. He always talked of my dreams of camping, fishing etc but he never made an effort to save money or get a car. We did eventually go get his car and my brother paid for the gas and let us use his truck. That car is still sitting in my back yard soon to be sold.
      Right before he was suppose to get out of the half way house and into the three quarter house he go caught smoking crack. I am sure he had been doing it regularly. Please if you are new to this do not fall for >I loaned someone money, I lost my wallet, I misplaced some money, someone stole my money, I was on my way to your house and an old dealer held me at gun point so I had to go with him and I had to pay him, I lost the company cell phone, sorry I can't take you out, I used cuz everyone hates what I have done, I don't like how you handle your kids so I had to leave, I am angry and had to leave cuz I can't handle how men love to talk to you. If you ever have a doubt about a line run it by me. I have heard them all. I think I felt trapped cuz we worked together and had gotten close in a way that I had not allowed in 9 years. Talk about feeling stupid. Sometimes I would look at him and just screamed in my head Liar while smiling at him. I never had so much stress but I could not let go. What is it I have now read about us non CH wanting to see the old person again. Heck all my friends kept warning me and giving me advice but I just could not totally give up though I got tougher. Thank God they love me even when I am stupid.
         The night before he stole my car again (4 months later) I remember testing him. Told him I wanted to try crack. I can look very serious. He was upset at first and said no. I said I was taking the long way home. Ha thought he cared. NOOOOOOOOOOO. just worried he would not be there when it affected me. Said girls get horny tbut he had no interest when he was High. So he drove me around and as I saw he was really going to do it I said forget It. I would never do that. Then he begged me to get him some and I could watch. Sick!!!!!!  Went back, made him promise to never think about it.
        The next day, as we all were eating lunch he came back from a job late and needed his check for food. He was still paying me back from yet another place I had help him get. He ended up taking my car (yup there goes dumb me again) and a couple hours later he still did not show Up. I was so sick, looking everywhere. What pain, what self loathing. I told the kids the car was in the shop. What could I say. I had help them forgive him the first time. I prayed and Prayed for God to end this trip soon and he did. The next night they found him in a crack house. I remember listening to the recording when he called the police on himself. You see, the paranoia part is also very true. Said someone was trying to kill him. Said he sold his GF car for $60 in crack. Small town so they found my car in the usual crack place. YOu know---You can't report a car stolen if you hand the keys and this man is very up on that law, seems he had done it lots. Even when he was married. But as only God can do, my truck was parked with the lights on and very noticeful as in my prayers.
           He called on and off and my curiosity got the better of me and I finally saw him. He is the world's best manipulator. And we all know what they say about curiosity. He ended up back in my town a few weeks later and worked for a friend. Managed to weave his way back into our lives including my brother. Next thing, though I was against it, he was working for us again and living in our shop. I rarely brought him over anymore, except to work at the house,but he always managed to steal so much of my time. And though he worked for us my brother hated us hanging out. Then why in the hell did he put him in my face all the time. I could not get away from him. He was always there. Whining, crying, begging, charming, loving, cracking, apologizing, exploding, cursing, preaching, praying, cracking, dreaming, promising, accusing, lying, working, sleeping, not eating, eating too much, cracking again. Did I miss any. You feel in the blanks. This time my brother helped him get a place. I was glad cuz he was always pushed on me cuz my brother did not trust him anymore. Funny, he was sleeping when some of our tools were stolen. Said the guy that was suspected of doing it did it cuz he knew Paul would be blamed. Sound familiar. If so run like hell. Everyone else is doing the stealing or doing drugs, not them.
          The last saga (and please God thanks to this web site, this is the last one), was a few weeks ago when he was going out on a job site and he was alone. Came by to get his check cuz he wanted to eat on the way. Never came back. Tho I was worried for my brother it was an answered prayer for me and my friends. We all knew I would never be free unless he went away. Fortunately the truck was found the next night at the same crack house in the same small town and him with a pipe. All the tools wete gone. And guess what--It was our Birthday, as we had the same one. Does this fit the pattern or what.
           YOu know, I actually accepted his calls from jail at first, read his redemption letters and even went to see. Still felt I could help him. And then I found this site. You could just visualize his anger towards me as I pulled away and changed my attitude. I now knew I was not to blame. He has been on crack since he was 13 and started doing pot at 9 including drinking. How he is still alive is amazing. He got out last week. Seems there is not much they can do about crack users or unauthorized use. When I would not take his calls and he had no one he was reported for loitering and they put him back in for not registering. He will get out soon I am sure cuz he was in jail when the warrant was placed. My last call from him was not good. When I told him that I had made a call for him at his friends house, I found out that he had indeed pawn all our tools and tried to steal the welder. Of course, before this he swore the crooked police stole them as they were on the truck when they picked him up. Now his story changed to these people were using drugs and had taken the key from him and must of stolen all the tools. I said really then how did you get crack when you spent all your money the night before at a pool house drinking and smoking pot and why were you at a crack house. His answer--They bought the drugs for me and I was just at this users house smoking it cuz I did not want to drive with it. Funny, he even had the nerve to say he just borrowed the truck. Let me tell you, when he saw he wasn't getting anywhere he got very angry. Started talking stupid and threatening to tell people my personal business, real and imagined. I told him I did not give a damn what he said. He hung up but then proceeded to call about 20 times to no avail. I just smiled and thought about how he must be reacting. Thought of the times I called and called and no answer. I called to let his mom know this and found out she too had sent him money and is trying to get him in teen challenge or some other program on TV. I guess he will always have an enabler. He is very charming and convincing and as we all know CONiving. It's another CH characteristic.
             YOU know, they say they love you and let you see the good part of them. You fall and overlook all reasoning. They manipulate so well and yes I believe they love in their way but they do not know how to love. Some are products of a bad childhood but some are not. The more they use crack the more of the good part of the brain goes away, eaten up until it becomes a mushy gray mass of nothing. On top of that I believe it makes them the most selfish people in the world. They can no longer see beauty in anything, no enjoyment. And they want to steal that from you cuz they can't have it. I have read the other stories and yes it has helped me. I heal quickly because Christ helps me. Let me tell you something. CRACK is evil from the devil, and it has been sent here from hell to break up families. I am not preaching. I just want others to not keep going thru this hell. You are so right. You must get away and just pray. We must live our lives without Crack heads. I have learned so much this past year thru Paul and so many others I have met on this drug. Let me tell you, until I moved here Crack was never apart of my vocabulary. Now I know so much about it that I am horrified because the users just increase. I work in a area where crack is a way of life. I drive by places and the dealers flash it at you. Bums walk the street and always ask for money. I have to believe in my heart noone wants to live this way. That is how strong it is. They are always looking for a way out but they can not escape. It destroys beautiful people and whole families. You can never trust them and you can never let your guard down. You may seem safe for awhile, but eventually, more and more things will happen that are not good. How can it get better since with continual use that part of the brain dissolves and is not replaceable. For some special people in my life I want to believe their CH will get better by prayer and God and I have one employee that has truly done this but his use was minor and his love for his family prevail. But HE MADE THE CHOICE and I still believe only time will tell as I know he drinks and smokes pot behind his families back and yet complains that he has no money. Some addictions are better than others but all are hurtful.
            Don't be drawn in by curiosity, the sad story, the promises, the puppy dog eyes, the only you can save me. We can't love enough, give enough, talk enough, beg enough, cry enough or threaten enough to over come this monster for them. Run to your special place and pray, call some people who really care about you, stand up and look around at what you have to be grateful for. All your blessing, including one of not being an addict. Each morning when you arise, please take the time to speak aloud, softly, all the things in life you are grateful for and make one of them that you are grateful that you have finally let go of your CH or any bad relationship you have. Use this time to find yourself and rediscover all the wonder and beauty that is inside of you and share it with people that will truly benefit from it. There are some many elderly people that just want someone to visit them. Children in orphanages. or maybe like me, a single mom who just wants a friend over for a cup of joe, or to teach her kid to throw a ball or his kid to sew. Heal yourself thru helping others, but don't forget your own quiet time. May God bless all that read this. I am sorry it is long. I just want to have something good come out of this and to give back something to the web site that has helped me escape this insanity that is NOT MINE BUT THE CH'S.

always, Cat


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 My daughter has been on crack now for a little over 2 months. I have dealt with these people for a very long time and know what I have to do to keep myself safe but OMG, she called us last night. When she called she has now turned everything around on my wife and I and made everything our fault. That we turned our back on her, that we have abandoned her, that my drinking is as bad as her using (even though I have never robbed a house or stolen anything or hurt anyone as a result of my drinking). She points fingers at everyone else to divert any attention to her and everyone in the world is as bad as she is or worse than she is and she is simply trying to get by.

I have dedicated so much of my life to her and given so much of myself to her and now she wants to belittle the man I am, the father I am...Who the hell is she to judge me?? I am a productive citizen, I work in a field where I serve others, I go out of my way to help people and her small and shallow statements actually have an effect on me and have me questioning who I am and who I have been to her. I hate this fucking drug and I hate what it does to people. This truly isn't my child anymore and she is so lost in denial that she cant even see it. I have a saying...

"Sitting in a pile of shit up to your neck and cant even tell it stinks!!"

That's her!! She has given up her friends and her family so that she can be with a 26 year old, 2 time loser crackhead who she helped rob his mothers house while she was in New Orleans helping people who were left homeless as a result of that tragedy. Just think, giving your life and time to go help those in need and all the while, your son and his girlfriend rob your house and take everything...What a bunch of selfish takers and I really do hope they get what's coming to them. I am so frustrated, so mad, so HURT, so very embarrassed and she could give a shit less. I want to stay strong, I want to continue to love her but how am I supposed to do that when all she does is shit on me and lie to me? How am I supposed to be supportive of her when I am getting to the point that I cant stand her?

I am on the edge of washing my hands of her and telling her to never call me again but how do you do that with your kids?? How do you tell them that you no longer want contact with them without feeling like a selfish prick myself? I have been dealing with crackheads for half of my life and have always been the one on the outside giving advice. I never knew how truly difficult it is to face this until I had to face it. For all of those people out there who I have counseled over the years through all of this, I understand now. I have another saying that I am attaching myself to right now...

"The best coaching you get is the coaching you give!"

Now I get to live by my own words and man is it painful! I hope my daughter is proud, I hope she is happy and I hope she realizes what she is doing to everyone around her. Why do people choose to dump on those who love them the most and protect those who could care less? Man, what a weird world and what a twisted sense of humor God has sometimes. Happy holidays people and thanks for letting me vent!!

Love and Peace.........
 

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Subject: Submit Story

 My husband was a crack addict before I married him but before we married he went to rehab and was supposedly clean.  We’ve been married for 10 years.  Through those 10 years I have allowed him to smoke marijuana because I felt that he would relapse if he didn’t do something.  There were many times I accused him of smoking crack because of the way he would move his eyes and mouth and his paranoid behavior and of course he would deny it.  He also began drinking several nights a week and would stay awake all hours of the night.  Last year I was able to confirm that he was using and confronted him.  He admitted it and told me that he did not want to lose me and the kids and that he would never use again.  I told him I wanted him to go to rehab, which he refused to do, but went to NA meetings.  He maybe went to 4 meetings.  I was tracking his drug use by watching his cell phone calls and would see that he would call his dealer after he would leave the NA meetings.  He was not aware that I was monitoring his use by his cell phone calls and I watched this for several months.  He denied that he was still using and when I told him that I was watching his phone calls, all calls stopped and I was not able to monitor him anymore.  This was very upsetting to me because I knew he was just finding other ways to call his dealer.   Seven months went by and I noticed two calls on the bill to his dealer.  I was furious! But when I confronted him he told me that he had dialed the wrong number.  I told him that I was tired of the lies and that I wanted a divorce.  He cried and told me that he was not using anymore and that he didn’t want to lose me.  Since then he has stopped drinking beer, smoking marijuana and smoking crack.  What is confusing to me is that in the past when he went to rehab he was very depressed and very nasty.  If he has stopped doing all of these things this time why is he not going through withdrawals? And how long can he do this without going to rehab?  I believe that he has been using for atleast 15 years on and off and I don’t believe he has quit for good.  In addition to quitting all of his bad habits he has started exercising and dieting which I have never known him to do in all the years I have been with him.    It has been two months since he said he has quit but I want to know if he can actually do this without help.  I’m just tired of living with all of the lies and don’t know what to do. 

 Any and all advice will be great.


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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: submit my story

I came across your website looking up info on crack addiction.  I have been married for six years.  Found out after we married of the drug use.  Didnt listen to the gut and leave.  Now, six years later and a set of twins, he is back on it again and strong.  I am tired of being the enabler, tired of being the "responsible one".  I have turned in crack dealers but the dumb asses connected to the dealers keep selling to him.  I am ready for him to go.  Unfortunately, he is a functioning addict.  He is a weekender.  Works long, hard hours during the week and then blows $600 over the weekend.  I am just tired.  He is not worth the aggrevation.  My jobs have been in jeopardy because of his reckless behavior.  I failed my last semester of Nursing school because of this.  My former 3.25 GPA is now a 0.25.  Yes I said ZERO POINT TWO FIVE.  I can't deal with this anymore.  The end of this codependent relationship is here.


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Subject: Submit My Story

 Hello, I'm a wife of a crack head.  He has been clean for 5 months now.  I fear everyday of him relapsing.  He smoked crack for about a year I noticed it maybe after 6 months.  He started losing weight, staying up late(went to bed when I did and got back up when i fell asleep.  I would wake up and he wouldn't be there and I would find him in the bathroom.  When he would come back to bed I would pretend I just woke up and ask him if he was ok.  He always had a stomach ache (giving him the excuse to go to the bathroom every hour).  He would act paranoid.  I would find just pens that had been taken apart.  He always had a lighter but didn't smoke cigarettes.  He said he found them and put them in his pockets.  I would ask him for money for bills and he would never have any to give me.  He owned a lawn business and his riding lawn mower disappeared.  I asked him where it was, he said it was out at his parents house.  His parents confirmed it wasn't there.  More and more things (electronics) started disappearing.  I would always ask him if he was doing something (drugs) and he always said no, and would get mad at me for accusing him.  I saw all the signs of him doing drugs, I could never prove it, most of all I had to prove it to him that I knew.  I started finding crack pipes in the house and car and he always blamed it on his brother who is also a crack head who he let stay with us(for free).  I became the only source of money in the house, which I couldn't help with many bills because I was pregnant .   I was the only one working and paying the bills between my husband and his brother and I was pregnant.  I came home from work, which involves being on my feet and lifting heavy things, and I walked in the door,  I said Hello.  He didn't say anything back, so i said hello again and he finally turned his head away from me and let his breath out and said hi.  He had just taken a hit.  I was 8 months pregnant, working, and he was sitting on the couch smoking crack.  I lost it.  I just couldn't believe the man I love, was choosing this drug over anything else in his life.  I cried almost everyday I was pregnant and was so overwhelmed by stress.  I always worried that my stress might hurt my baby.  Luckily she is great. 

Crack ruined our lives.  We are in our mid 20's and lost our house and claimed bankruptcy.

 

Thanks


-----Original Message-----
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Subject: Submit My Story

 I have been down the road with several crackheads in my life and I hate everything about this drug. I have watched it destroy my brother (now dead), an

ex-boyfriend, several former friends and now my youngest daughter. My daughter Laurie just turned 20 years old in Oct. She is 6 months pregnant and living

on the streets, smoking crack every day from what I hear. She has been on crack for at least 3 years that I know of and in different county and city jails and

has done two short stints in the state prison since she was 16. The charges range from possession of drug paraphernalia to possession of stolen vehicles (she

has a big thing for stealing cars). This last time she served about 5 months in state prison and was released June 23rd. She took off the next day and went straight

back to her favorite crack neighborhood. I have been leaving her alone for the most part now; I know that I can not help her any more. "Helping" a crackhead is

not really helping them, it's just enabling them. I do call a 'friend' of hers to check in every now and then just to find out if she is still alive. I am worried about the

 baby, though. I'm scared to find out what kind of damage she's already done to it and even if it will be born alive. It will be my first grandchild. She isn't sure who

 the father is since she prostitutes for crack. She is currently awaiting trial for another stolen car charge. If convicted, it will be her 9th felony conviction and I'm

 sure she will go back to prison. I just hope she is tried before the baby comes. I'd rather see her deliver in prison than to go into labor in a crack house. I don't

 think anyone would take her to the hospital. I know there is nothing more I can do for her until she is ready. It just helps to write it all down.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

 I read your Observations & Thoughts page and everything is so true, it really hits home and makes me sad to know that there really is NO hope for a crack head to recover. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that that is not the point of your website; rather, this is what I have concluded after being dragged through the mud for years.

I’m not going to tell you any personal stories because one is just worse than the other, and I’m sure we all have our own horror stories. But I think the most important thing is for us (the enablers) is to hit rock bottom so we can finally realize that we are destroying ourselves and that we need to get away from the possessed bums.

 I know we al love/loved these people and I am certain that there is good in everyone but they don’t love us they love crack!

 I am now a single mother of 2 (1- 7 yr old and 1- 3 week old) their father is a functioning crack addict who hurts us every day by choosing this lifestyle. I hate him.  


From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

         Sadly, my story is not unique. I have been married to a CH for 7 years. For most of our marriage I had no idea what was going on. My husband has been to rehab 3 times, only to go back to using every time. He was always very good at hiding what he was doing Always telling me he's off it, and I always believed him. A case of definite denial. All the signs were there, money missing, disappearing for hours, hanging out with losers, sleeping for days at a time, not coming home at night, erratic and abusive behavior, constantly lying,he never wanted to be social, go anywhrere, he enjoys nothing. He always has an answer for everything. I could even catch him in a lie, and he can talk me out of it!  It is very scary how well a CH can lie..It's so hard when you are an honest person to get your head around someone like this. Of coarse there was the paranoid stuff, constantly accusing me of screwing around and of hiding his things, calling me all the time wanting to know my exact location if I was driving, as if he needed to know how much time he had so as not to get caught. I have tried every possible angle to try to get through to him, none of it gets me anywhere. Iv'e  left him probably 10 Times over the years for a week or so thinking it might wake him up. I really left 2 years ago and moved out with our son. I had every intention of being done and moving on with our lives. He wore me down.Telling me everything I wanted to hear. Making every promise to stay sober, go to counseling, go to meetings,saying he's sober now but can't stay that way without us. Once again I believed him, took him back and he never made good on any promises to get help. So here I am 2 years later, now with 2 kids, still living the same miserable drama. Things are worse than ever. I did kick him out 6  months ago [with police help, he would never leave on his own] for screwing around with several very skanky females. And I've found out that they weren't the first. My house has been robbed, his truck was stolen, and we are facing financial ruin. And he is now in trouble with the law. He still shows up constantly, making all the same promises that worked for him before. Saying he's sober, he's changed, he's not hanging with any females, he's working. ALL LIES!! Telling me my love will save him. Begging me to take him back, " this time will be different, I swear". When he realizes that he's not going to get what he wants, he turns nasty. Caliing me names with his filthy mouth, telling me that I'm a selfish and sick person not to help him, that all I care about is myself  and its all my fault he's on a downward spiral. I'm so exhausted, not only from the humiliation of being married to someone I don't even know, Someone that has no concience about lieing, cheating, stealing, manipulating. But also from staying with someone for so long that has emotionally tortured and mentally abused me to the point I don't even know who I am anymore. And also from losing someone that I truly love, And having to turn my back on him. I think that it is finally sinking in that he is not him anymore. He is true to only one thing, smoking crack. I'm only 28 and some days I feel like I'm 50. I have filed for divorce. For anyone reading this, the best advice I have is to believe yourself and save yourself, that is not selfish. What is selfish is bringing you down with them, and they will. You can't run fast enough from a CH.     Thank you for this site, it has helped me tremenously to see reality.      Thank you for listening to my story, I can only hope maybe it helped someone out there.  God bless all of us going this!


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

 I read your Observations & Thoughts page and everything is so true, it really hits home and makes me sad to know that there really is NO hope for a crack head to recover. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that that is not the point of your website; rather, this is what I have concluded after being dragged through the mud for years.

I’m not going to tell you any personal stories because one is just worse than the other, and I’m sure we all have our own horror stories. But I think the most important thing is for us (the enablers) is to hit rock bottom so we can finally realize that we are destroying ourselves and that we need to get away from the possessed bums.

 I know we al love/loved these people and I am certain that there is good in everyone but they don’t love us they love crack!

 I am now a single mother of 2 (1- 7 yr old and 1- 3 week old) their father is a functioning crack addict who hurts us every day by choosing this lifestyle. I hate him.  


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit My Story

It seems so unfair.  Met this woman a little over a year ago just before my divorce became final.  I’m 49 she was only 28.  She was a little rough around the edges but we seemed to hit it off right away.  We both like country music and she loved to sing.  I knew that she had a “past” history of drug problems.

             She said she fell in love with me within the first week of our relationship.  She had a history of bad guys who hit and abused her.  I was supposed to be the “last man” in her life.  I had been married many years to a mentally ill women who was severely overweight.  Had no sex life whatsoever.  All of a sudden I had a great sex life and romance etc…Her family thinks I’m great. (they warned me she was trouble) She was always telling me how wonderful I am.  All of a sudden crack reared its incredibly ugly head.  She disappeared with my car for three days.  A real kick in the head.  I was forgiving when she came back. (foolish enabling behavior)  That was ten months ago.  She then took my car a total of 6 times.  I went through the behavior all of the others have described on this web site.  Sudden anger and reasons to leave.

             I am a good guy.  I was kind giving, loving, bright.  However, I don’t make much money.  Still someone a normal women would consider to be a great guy.  We always talked about getting married.  She would lie in my arms and say how “safe she felt”.  She was always going to go to re-hab.  The problems and chaos continued seemingly non-stop.  Such lies and lies and lies.  Always a reason to be in drug area.  If I gave her money to get her hair done she would disappear.  Still there seemed to be so much love between us.  I got scraps of good times of what was left after the drugs took the rest.  She seemed to spiral downhill. Losing weight.  I began to try to control her.  If she called someone to pick her up to take her to the drug area I would shut off her cell phone.  Demanded she go to rehab or she would have to leave.  Finally, she got a job that she claimed would keep her clean.  I did the ultimate fatal enabling mistake.  Bought her a used car to get to work.  Within 4 hours she was gone.  That was a month and a half ago.  She would only come back to sleep for a day or two, recharge and go out again.  Weight down to around 70 lbs.   Blamed me wanting her to go to rehab on her doing drugs.!!!!!

             A couple of days ago I got a phone call from her saying she met a guy and is moving on to a new state.  She came by to get some of her stuff.  Frighteningly thin.  We both cried for about an hour, in each others arms, at her leaving. One of the most traumatic moments of my life.  Told me how great I was and how she still loved me.  Had to move on because of the mess she had made here.  She drove off 3 times and came back still sobbing.  Finally, she got a call from her new guy.  Had to leave.  She sold the car I just bought her took the money to add to the down payment on the house they are going to buy two thousand miles away.  The new guy seems to have money.  That was two days ago.  Still calling me telling me of the progress of her trip.  Says is eating and gaining weight and will always love me.   Running from the mess.  Planning on being clean and have a nice life.  Me I’m just stunned that she would leave the guy that 3 weeks ago was saying “was best thing that ever happened to her.”  Was writing me letters saying how much she loved me.  Can’t sleep or eat.  Feel like crying.  I am so hurt and my self esteem is at an all time low.  Its like I want her back so bad yet I know that it would be just more of the same.  I guess I am really sick.  She acts like everything is fine.  We can “still be friends.”  Says that I was wonderful and did nothing wrong.  May be will see me when she visits her family over the holidays.  Each happy phone call from her seems to bring me lower and lower.  It kills me that tonight she will be sleeping with as she calls it the “new boyfriend”.  I was so good to her. She was so bad to me yet I am the one who gets left and hurt.   Should I tell her not to call?  I feel like I want to die. 


From:
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Subject: SPAM-LOW: Submit My Story

 HI STEVE, I READ YOUR E-MAIL, MY EX-BOYFRIEND IS A CRACK ADDICT AND FOR THE PAST 3 YAERS I WENT THROUGH COMPLETE HELL. WE HAVE A 17MONTH OLD SON AND I AM A SINGLE MOM OF THREE, I HAVE NEVER DONE DRUGS, I AM 35 YEARS OLD AND I AM A LICENSED PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.... ANYWAY, I WANTED TO COMPLIMENT YOU ON YOUR SITE, EVERYTHING YOU WROTE IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE, HE IS IN JAIL NOW JUST 2 WEEKS AGO HE GOT OUT OF A 90 DAY PROGRAM IN AVON PARK FLORIDA, HIS SISTER PASSED AWAY AND THAT WAS HIS EXUSE TO USE AGAIN, I TRIED HELPING IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE, IVE EVEN PUT MYSELF IN DANGEROUS SITUATIONS LOOKING FOR HIM, BUT NOTHING WORKS.... IFEEL ANGRY AND MOST OF ALL HURT, MAINLY BECAUSE WHEN THE BABY GROWS UP HE'S GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT HIS DAD AND I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL HIM HE IS A CRACK ADDICT, LUCKILY MY SON WAS BORN PERFECTLY HEALTHLY AND I HAVE COME TO  MY SENSES, IM MUCH MORE AWARE NOW OF THE GUYS I MEET. I WENT A LONG TIME INTO THE REALTIONSHIP BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, PROBABLY BEACUSE I WAS NIEVE TO DRUGS, AND HE KNEW IT, LIKE YOU SAID THEY PREY ON YOUR INNOSENSE... WELL I JUST WANTED TO SHARE THIS, AND LET YOU KNOW I READ YOUR SITE AND IT HELPED ME REGAIN FOCUS THAT SOMETIMES IS VERY HARD.... THANKS AGAIN.... M


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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I guess I am like everyone else here.  I thought when I first started reading these stories that I was different, my family was different.  We were good people, upstanding in the community.  My brother (the CH) was in prison for 10 years of his young adult life (another long story that didn't involve drugs).  When he got out I gave him a place to live, a job with my company and with the help of my family some clothes, a bed,,,just to get him started on the right foot.  I was hopeful!  Every year that passed I thought he had beat the system.....now nine years later he has a beautiful baby boy and a sweet girlfriend that's seemingly oblivious to what is going on.  It started with a no-good friend that came back to town and introduced him to crack....since then, he has not went to work half the time (he works for me), has taken hundreds of dollars from me and my family (which we gave willingly...thinking he was going thru a hard time!!!!)  Little did we know he was using crack.....well  I noticed him change.....his jeep was repossessed, his finances were in ruin, he lost about 20 lbs. (he's a small guy anyways) his teeth looked horrible and I noticed he wouldn't look at me.   That was a couple of months ago.  I told my sister and my Dad...all were shocked to say the least.  We have tried to reach out to him....want to help him.  We are at a loss as to what to do.  We can't get him to talk to us....I am afraid he's going to do something to screw up at work.....then where would I be? 

I could lose my job.....I have a new baby and my time is not what it used to be or I swear I would run him down at the crack house and drag him out kicking and screaming.....I don't know where to turn......all of the places me and my family have called say....he's got to want it!  How do you make someone want to get off this crap!  It's terribly depressing.....I have this feeling of impending doom.......Thank God for this site.  I honestly never thought I would be writing to it.

It's the only site that gives it to you straight.....and believe me......you need to see it for what it is.  Good Luck to All and thank you for letting me vent!


-----Original Message-----
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Thanks Steve your site has helped

 I have been married to the greatest woman in the world until she got into prescription fraud and Ritalin abuse. that was in 1999. She was arrested and went through 2 years on a one year drug court program. Then things started happening again in 2003 I would find cocaine. Then she began to hang out at her girlfriends house it would be late nights then days and then weeks before she came home. Now its months and during this time she has accused me of beating her, starving her and any other thing she could create or makeup. I never touched the woman! Well in August she was arrested for crack and what did I do? Bailed her out because i heard her say "Mark I am sorry for what i have done to you and our daughter. I want things to work out for us, I want to try". Well that lasted a week and she was gone again. This time I found crack, crack pipe and needles. Now comes the interesting part I get a call in October from the local police and they say we arrested your wife for cocaine and crack plus abusing a minor. The minor was our daughter. See my daughter didn't like the cell phone restriction I placed on her since she was spending 4,000 minutes a month on it. So she ended up going to her moms. While being arrested my wife passes a black bag to my daughter it contained crack that was the abuse part. Then several days I get a collect call from the jail I hear "Mark I am sorry for what i have done to you and our daughter. I want things to work out for us, I want to try". At this point they wont bond her out which I wasn't going to take care of anyway. So I go down to visit her in jail and I hear I love you very much but I am in love with Joanne. Talk about feeling down that really did hurt. Well today she is sitting in a rehab which her girlfriend is paying for the same girlfriend that supplied the funds for all the drugs and the same girlfriend that was also arrested both times she just was able to beat the system.

So her court punishment is 2 years probation minus time served, 30 day rehab, no contact with the minor or husband unless things change between us and get a job which she has never had. Bad thing is she will end up in jail since she is moving back into the same environments she left her family for. You know the saddest thing is I deeply love her today and it really hurts what drugs have done to this family.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email

 Hi Steve,

 You won't remember me but I wrote to you a couple of years ago and I want to tell you how great your site has been. When I wrote to you I had just found out my ex-husband was on crack. I was a mess. Even though I am a medical person, I had no clue about the intensity of the addiction. My ex was on the XXXX Fire Dept and at the time you told me there are probably others involved. Boy...were you right! The "others" are the ones who got him involved , including his immediate supervisor. To make the story short, he went to rehab last year with my full support,(I spent every weekend with him there), he gets out and the next thing I know he is seeing an alcoholic he hooked up with in rehab. A month later he was back on the crack. He took an early retirement from the XFD. I am no longer with him and have found the best thing to do is to cut him off totaly. My advise to anyone who is on a roller coaster with an addict is to RUN FAST! 

 I wanted to thank you for the support I got just reading your site and I sure hope it continues in the future. Being in the medical profession, I will suggest your web site for information and support when someone needs it. The site has also helped my grown kids to gain insite into what goes on in the head of an addict.

 Thanks Again,

xxxxxxxxxx


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Crack Reality Email

 As so many other stories written I too have been affected by a CH, and so have my children; I always thought he would get sober each and everytime he went to rehab.  He went through rehab 3 times and several times through detox; the longest he had been sober in the last 7 years was almost two years.  I know that living with an addict is a crazy life you believe everything they say and you doubt yourself and and your own thinking.  My addict walked out on me three years ago, because he said I was having an affair; he manipulated my children into believing that I was the crazy person and my children believed him; after he left they soon found out the truth; today he’s living in a garage provided by his mom and dad they let the behavior continue;  he lost his car, business, children, and his self-worth; he’s been in and out of jail for petty theft; he sells stuff on the street to my families neighbors.  The sad part is that he doesn’t think about his children or anything; there’s always an excuse; he dosen’t work so he doesn’t have to pay child support.  I still am numb from all the effects of this disease ; the self-doubt continues; his mother says if I would have loved him more this wouldn’t be happening or if I was just bite the bullet.  I lost my financial security, my lifestyle and mostly myself; it’s been a long road for recovery for myself and my children; sometimes I feel compassion for him and other times. I’m just plain angry that such much destruction has plagued my family.  As they say One day at a time goes for the family in recovery too.


-----Original Message-----
From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Steve post this story if you want

 I have been reading for over a week now.  My life is the same as everyone else's the down side to mine is not only do I have the Ch ex husband but also a Ch brother.  My life with my ex is like the rest, revolvong door, believing the stories that he would quit, that he loved me and the kids etc.   So to make my story a little shorter, I filed for divorce and still took him back after that.  So he is finally out of the house for good. **Many months after my ex is gone** I go into work one morning(my boss knew what was going on in my life) and he hands me the newpaper with a head line that said something about 2 people caught for multiple home break-ins.  He asks if I know the person involved. I read the article--look at my boss--and ask which one my brother or my ex husband.  My ex leaves us alone as long as he is on the streets, it is when he is locked up that the phone calls start, letters etc.  Most recent was his suicide attempt in jail.  I have no contact with him and I never will unless he can prove that he has been clean and still in some kind of program(this will never happen) so I am safe. One fact that I want everyone to know is that I was the weekend partier years ago.  I would go out with my husband party Friday and Saturday, rest on Sunday and go back to work on Monday.  I was no saint but the difference was I never tried crack (thank goodness).  I got lucky.

 My brother on the other hand, lives with my parnets and he is still robbing them blind, their money, thier car what ever he can get his hands on.  I try to help my parents but they can not seem to over the fact that it is their own blood and they feel they can still help him.  I will never turn my back on my parents but as for my brother I can. Don't take my hard exterior as solid--I have battled with an addict for over 12 years now.  I divorced my ex in 1994.  My life is by far better but I still battle day by day because if it is not my ex some how causing chaos, it is my brother.  Some day this life of hell will stop but the big question is when. Anyone who has an addict in their life needs to run and run fast.  Crack is a drug that I do not understand and never will.  It changes the best people into liars, thieves, prostitutes--you name it.  God bless each and everyone of us who needs the extra strength to make it through another day.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

  I met my husband when my children were almost raised.  We used to laugh and call ourselves "soul mates".  And we were.  It was our time.  We did some great things in the ten years we have been married.  We moved to a nice town by the ocean, built a house, a business.  Two weeks ago I found out he was using crack.  I travel extensively with my job and I check our bank account often to ensure my check is deposited.  That day there was 300 dollars taken out at various ATMs.  He wouldn't answer his cell phone.  So I came home, expecting the worst.  He was dead, I just knew it, someone had killed him and taken the ATM.  He was passed out on the couch in a drug haze.  I stayed for three days, while he slept and ate, I crept around the house trying to let him rest.  Cooked nutritious meals and found your website.  I read and read and read......So I went to the bank took his name off all the accounts, took all his credit cards and started talking rehab to him.  I was also able to discern some of the damage he had done.  It is devastating, for such a short time.  He has ruined us.  He used everything else, business money, savings, etc...before he touched our personal checking (the one I always check)

 He agreed to go to rehab.  The day he was to go he disappeared and when he came back he was high.  I threw him out.  That was seven days ago.  I invited him back today I was worried.  He showed up a while ago.  He says he doesn't need help.  He's fine like he is.  He cried as he walked out the door.  I feel like he is dead.  I have a knot in my stomach that  won't go away.  I have cried until I don't have any tears left.  I'm scared and feel so helpless.  That takes a lot when you have raised two children by yourself.  No one believes how bad he is or looks.  His family thinks they can talk to him, my children are speechless and our grandbabies are too young to know (thank god).  He loved those grandbabies.

 So I will begin working on rebuilding what little we have left.  At least I still have a car, job and  home and a little money in the bank.  My credit will be awful by the time all the dominoes have fallen.  I feel like at 47 I'm too old to start again.  I am so so sorry for all the people out there that have gone thru this, especially the ones with small children.  My heart goes out to you.


-----Original Message-----
From: 
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

 Wow, how strange to be reading stories like these and feel like someone is reading your own life to you! I feel for everyone who has written their story, and as I try and hold back the tears in my eyes in fear my co-workers will see me, I just want everyone to know how deeply sorry I am that you had to endure these situations.  I speak as an outsider, but sadly I am not. I have horror stories like the rest of you. Is there really a point to writing them down and have others read them? I don't know....I know that your stories are just like mine....the leaving for extended periods of time with no phone call...the loss of our home, car and all of our possessions. The fact that we now live with his mother because he cannot hold job....or excuse me, he can hold a job....he cannot hold money, and so once payday hits the job is out the door and the drugs are in hand....oh, and the kids and I are out of luck for a family styled weekend.  I guess my problem is that i am out of hope. I am tired of fighting this battle. It never seems to end, I hate hearing that he promises to stay clean, that he will never do it again...and then it is Friday and three minutes after I walk in the door he will disappear again, and I will take him back again...I tried to leave once...I applied for an apartment in my wage range, but I needed a co-signer, and because he has screwed up our credit and family,  no one trusts him, they in turn do not trust me, so that idea went out the door. I work full time, have two kids and can't seem to get it all together. I can smile and put a face on all day...then I get home and life seems to terrible to face.  I can talk to him all the time, he will tell me everything I want to hear, and then my life comes crashing down.He has taken up all my thoughts, he has taken me away from me...I can't have a good time anymore because all I can think about is what terrible things are in store tonight? Whatever, I guess I will keep plugging along, day after shitty day....maybe then I will see some light at the end of this awful journey, for now, it is all darkness. Thanks for listening. 

Sonya


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I have been reading the stories on this site for quite some time and my first reaction to all of the stories submitted was how painfully they resemble my story.  My husband of then 11 years lost his job at a local hospital due to government privatization.  He fell into a depression for a short time but seemed to pick himself up when he heard of another career opportunity.  However, that meant going to a different province to study for 7 weeks.  I completely supported his choice. Everything was perfect. He would call me every night and talk to my kids every night. We have three young boys. Then, during the last week of his stay, he made a life altering choice. He went to a party and someone offered him crack. He asked what it was but was told to "just try it" and he did.  That was it. Our lives forever changed.  When he returned home, everything seemed fine and he started his new job. But he started changing very quickly. He would disappear for long periods of time. The first time he was gone for approx 8 hours. I was so scared that something happened to him that I called the police. They found him driving near our home. They knew something was up but could not pinpoint it at the time.  Fight number one.  Then only a few days later, he went missing for 14 hours. Fight number two. Then he would disappear for 24 hours. Fight number three. Then 48 hours.....72 hours.....up to 5 or 6 days.  Fight number 500.  I could not understand what was going on. I thought maybe he had a mistress. I would search for him even in the worst part of our city. Finally I confided in his brother. He helped me big time. After a blow up at our place between him and my husband, we found out the reality - he was on crack. I could not believe it. Did I mention all the money that he took from our bank accounts? Did I mention that he put us into debt? His brother tried to help him by taking him in for a few days in an effort to clean him up and hopefully talk some sense into him.  It seemed to work at first..but....he was right back into the same routine...disappearing. Even his work would call and leave messages calling him "the invisible man". One evening while my husband was out on his disappearing acts, my brother in law came to me and begged me to pack my kids stuff  and my stuff and go with him. I packed my stuff and I waited for him to return. Did I mention all this time he had my vehicle and left me to do grocery shopping in steaming summer heat on foot with three little kids? Did I mention the times he would not pick up my little ones from school? Did I mention how he would never pick up his cell phone? Did I mention the several times I have threatened dealers fact to face and on the phone? Did I mention how humiliated I feel? So, I took my kids and my vehicle and I left to go live in temporary peace with my brother in law and his family. My husband was looking for me and he called my parents who responded "she left you hey? good". The same response from his parents. But then his parents turned on me and demanded that I go back home. I refused. After one week, he agreed to move to his parents home. At that point I moved back into my home. My husband tried to attempt suicide.  He wound up in the hospital. After some government intervention I was able to get him into rehab. When he was in there, he was my husband again. His eyes were sincere. He had love for me and my kids. He was so sorry for what he had done. Then he came out. This reformed man returned to his routines again. Only this time around I was prepared. I never let him have the keys to my vehicle. I never let him have my bank card. I ensured there was no $ for him to take at the bank as I had everything in my name. So what is a drug addict to do? He would take his bike and I clearly remember seeing him one evening after he was missing for 13 hours riding around the park lost. I have had enough of this so I took my best bread knife and slashed his tire. What is next? He takes my oldest son's bike. Great. So, I took my children's bikes and brought them to my parent's home for storage. He gets another bike. I slash the tires again. By this point I am getting good at this. I had tenants living in my home below me and he tried to steal from them. He borrowed money from them. They left due to this. I had to pay the mtg on my own for several months. I even found out that he was going to our neighbors asking for money " my car ran out of gas and I have to pick up my wife from work". He used that line every time. It just seemed that no matter how much yelling I did or threatening I did, he did not change his ways. Now as we speak he has been gone for 6 hours on foot. I have had more than enough. I am at the end of my emotional and mental rope. I was fighting so hard for him because he is the father of my children and the love of my life. High school sweethearts. He was an outstanding man. Hardworking and would do anything for us. Until that day he "just tried it". Now, I am forced to become a single parent and raise my three beautiful boys who did not deserve this pain in their young lives. I am young too. I am 36 but I feel drained and scared. I know I can make it on my own and I will. My heart truly breaks for him as I know he does not deserve this either and it hurts to know what he is doing to himself. But it hurts more to know that my children are suffering due to his choice to "just try it".   I am responsible for these children and I am responsible to provide them with a healthy and safe environment. I know what I have to do. I realize now how many people are struggling with the very demon that I am struggling with and to say the experience is painful is a painful understatement. My heart goes out to all of you who are suffering due to someone's bad choice in their lives. If anything, this will make you a stronger and wiser person. Maybe one day your words of wisdom through experience will help someone who is suffering too. Just remember, children come first. God bless you all.      


From:
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To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I found your site today.  I'm 22 yearl old and I just gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I was so blessed this past year. Until yesterday when my husband was gone for more than 8 hours and admitted when he got back that he used crack again. I'm really really hurt, my daughter is only 2 months old and already hes back to his old self. I don't know what to do, I thought that our child will be an inspiration enough for him to completely change. My heart is acking while writing this to you. I just couldn't believe that he would rather choose his drugs over us. I thought he changed, I was leaving a perfect life for a year....no heart ache ..no pain. I just don't get why he would give up all of this for crack. I;m so hurt right now...I fought for this man....I gave up all my friends and relatives to fight for him. Now all I hear is "I told you so". We financially depend on him...I'm on maternity leave and I don't get that much.....all the things we bought was all in my name...he's bad credit. Now, how am I going to pay for  all of those. I;m losing my mind...I thought  our love will be enough. I thought prayers would be enough. What can I do? Is this the final step.....to leave him. I'm so scared for me and my daughter. 


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story
 

First, let me thank all of you for your stories and real experiences.  I, like you, Steve researched the Internet for real experiences not just chemical compounds and symptoms/signs of a drug addict.  This site helped me more than you could know as I have never been around drugs to the point of not even trying pot but lived with a drug addict. 

It has been almost two years since he committed suicide while on a crack binge.  He had many problems and hurts in life but drugs was the last one that I thought was helping in his depression.  Looking back and doing a lot of research has opened my eyes to see he was an addict...and he was in trouble from the addiction.  None of us knew, not his family, his friends...no one but him.  I had no suspicions with my teeth about falling out when the medical report came back with crack, cocaine and pot in his system that night.  The suicide was enough to send me over the deep end but the drugs was the icing on the cake. 

Until I read your stories on the site, I have felt so stupid as I did not know.  I have felt guilty as he could not confide in me to try and beat the habit.  He had all the signs...disappearing act, outbursts w/wanting to fight so he could leave for awhile when returning much calmer, locking himself in the bedroom saying he needed time alone, stomach aches, body temperature changes, money vanishing from the bank account, music CDs being misplaced, engagement ring being lost by the cat playing/hiding it, dirt bag friends that he never wanted me around nor at our home...You name it was there with the exception of him blaming me.  Nothing tied until after the suicide.  I still am very sad to know he reached that level of desperation and in spite of it all, still love him, even though he did the unthinkable act of killing himself and using crack. 

Your site has helped me to understand and actually prevented me from trying the drug as I have played in my head so many times, what could be so powerful to do what he did.  My logical side has said time and time again, don't do it but I have needed an answer as he always said I was the reason he was alive and then the moment I was not there he binged, was provoked by an ex-wife and threw in the towel.  I realize from reading the numerous stories that I was in a battle, one that I did not know and two, was not prepared for even if I had.  I probably would have died trying to fix him not realizing that I could not fix him. 

As to what I hope people gather from my words is that it can happen to anyone.  I was raised like many of the others in a good home as was he. I have a good job and nice home and looked forward to building a life with a man, a friend that I loved.  Some of my family and friends disowned me, accused me of being a drug addict or dealer, accused me of knowing and hiding his drug dependency, etc.  But what I gained goes along with what I have been brought up with, which was not to judge and never assume "that would never happen to me."  My eyes are open to the point that knowing what I know now, I could not be involved or live with a man involved in drug lifestyle regardless of the reason.  It still breaks my heart everyday as to what could have been without the crack and hurts even more that a chemical was more powerful than our love.  I know he never woke up one morning and said, "let's do crack and destroy my future" but it sure does lower a person's self-esteem when crack brought more pleasure/relief than your love. 

I pray that teenagers will read these testimonies and learn to not try this powerful drug and to stay away from people associated with it as if you are vulnerable, the choice will seem like a means of relief and everythign will be down hill from there.  Thank you all for listening and blessed be to all who have been affected by a CH experience.

 


 

From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Wow, this site is the reality check I have been needing to read which I did all the way through so much that my eyes and my heart hurt.  I have two sons, 24 and 19.  The oldest has been addicted to crack since trying it at age 17.  He liked the money his younger brother was making and turned him onto it as well at age 16, so now we have two sons that are crackheads.  I went through so much money, anger, hurt, frustration and energy and the eggshell dance that it is such a relief to know it isn't anything that I have or have not done to contribute to this disease other than continue to be an enabler.  My oldest is in another province now and the distance has helped tremendously.  I have more resolve not to bail him out of the consequences when he binges.  Funny he never talked tome for a whole year after I changed my behaviour and I have to say I missed him terribly but it was a relief as well.   I am now at a critical stage where my youngest son who is still employed, and somehow ended up back at home (after using and moving out, fired, treatment, back home, job) now has used again.  I told him if he did, he was out and now am looking for strength to carry out my ultimatum.  I am afraid for him but know that if I love him, I will let go and let him make his own choices.  I am so tired of the roller coaster, knot in stomach, radar sense of smell and suspicion, obsession really, trying to control finances etc.) that I am slipping back into a space I don't want to be.    I have been told that Crack users need to be working harder than the people who love them, or there is is no hope for this terrible addiction.  I need to stop this stinkin thinkin that I can change anything but myself. 
 



From:
 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Hello Everyone!  I first began to search out information on Crack Addiction for a speech that I have to do for my Effective Communications course.  My interest is due to my situation and my story.  I have read through the website and about 75% of the stories posted.  I feel now that I may have the strength to share what I have been through with my husband.  I will start at the beginning..........

I met AJ very soon after divorcing my first husband.  We instantly seemed to connect.  My daughter was 2 at the time and my ex had not shown any interest in being a father to her, but AJ did.  Now that I look back on things I realized that AJ charmed me right into believing that he was our savior, and that he was going to be the husband and father that I always wanted.  I needed love from a man in my life.  Well I didn't see it at the time but  what he needed was money to pay for all his addictions.  Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, and crack.  At the time I had a great job, so he reeled me in hook line and sinker.  After 10 months we were married and 1 yr later I gave birth to his son.  Now we have been married for 10 years.  I have been through so much.  Physical, emotional, and mental abuse.  Affairs, stealing money from me and our kids, moving from place to place to place because we couldn't pay the rent.  Disappearing for days at a time, sometimes with our family car.  Not keeping a job, or spending his checks on crack when he did work.  We have had countless separations, I had filed for divorce twice and didn't go through with it.  I had never had the strength to leave until now.  The first weekend in April AJ left Friday night and did not come home.  He went on Saturday morning to his place of employment and got his check, cashed it, and spent the entire amount on crack.  This was our grocery and bill money.  He tried to come home on Sunday, but I refused to let him in.  I ended up moving in with my parents on May 3rd.  He bounced from house to house staying drunk and high most of the time and then he finally moved in with his mother in June.  He begged for us to get back together and he lucked up and got a decent job making good wages with good benefits.  He started to give me a little money here and there.  As school began to approach he promised to give me money to get the kids school clothes.  During his 4th week of employment he did the same thing all over again.  He didn't give me the money, he smoked his entire check up and lost his good job.  That was it for me!  I know it took a long time but I finally got tired of living in this vicious cycle of events that keep repeating itself with the same results.  Today me and my two children are still living with my parents.  I have just filed bankruptcy (actually this will improve my credit), I will be filing for divorce when the bankruptcy is discharged.  I have been at my job for over a year now, but I am seeking a better paying job so that I can support my family effectively.  I am also finally in the process of completing the courses I need to have my Associates of Arts Degree.  My husband???????????  Still living with his mother and got another job and still begging me for another chance!  I am civil to him, yet it is time to clean up the mess my life has turned into.  I wish the best for him I still care, but I cannot be his wife any longer.  Thanks for reading my story and may all of you have the strength to take care of yourselves!  My heart goes out to each and every one of you!  Even though they can be charming and tell you actually what you want or need to hear, do not believe in the crack addict, start believing in yourself!

CeCe 

 

 CeCe
 



If you are easily offended, you may want to move on to the next story… I went through this sh*t once and NEVER again.  I was with my ex husband who was a crackhead for 10 years and had no clue he ever did drugs until he got out of control.   When we met, he had told me that he had done coke when he was younger and “flat lined” with his dad by his side and had learned his lesson and never touched the stuff since. This statement is significant because its what made me believe him much longer than I should have.

Michael was a charmer and the saying “he could sell snow to an Eskimo” fit him to a tee.  We both had great jobs, I was pregnant and we bought a house.  Everything seemed perfect.  It started off subtly of course.  He started showing up late to work, calling in sick, me looking in my wallet and saying to myself  “I swear I had a $20 bill in here???” and shrugging it off.  Then jewelry, the VCR, the spare TV, the camcorder. came up missing always with a good story to go along with them – loaned them to friend, getting repaired or I don’t know  (my favorite).   He got fired and always had some new great job lined up that never came through.  Our cars starting “breaking down” or running out of gas or in repair shop only to find out he really loaned them to dealers in exchange for crack since he had no money. All the nights he would be gone for hours after promising again he would be back in 15 mins and staying up all night madder than hell wondering where the f*ck he was.  He was constantly locked in the bathroom with a “stomach ache”  We never had any pens in the damn house – only the ink cartridges.  I took him off our bank account because he kept withdrawing money and bouncing checks that I had written for bills.  I slept with my purse and keys after waking up too many times to find my money, debit card or my car missing.   He even forged my name on a bunch of checks that were in a pack I hadn’t used yet (clever), and had no idea until the checks started clearing the bank. 

Then things got crazy (ok crazier).   He was convinced that I was cheating on him.  So I would come home from work, my laundry all over the floor and have a sweater with baby spit up on it thrown in my face.  “See? This sweater has cum all over it, you’re f*cking around on me!” or  “Smell this. That’s not my cologne!”   He even came to work one day with a ziploc bag with hair in it and said that was all the proof he needed that I was cheating.  “Look, I found pubic hair in our bed and its not mine!”  He got so crazy I went to court and had him committed to a mental institution (with his parents’ blessings) .  Of course he was released after a couple days because his problem was crack.  He finally admitted he had a problem then and wanted help and I naively believed him. I went with him to pay off his debts to the drug dealers and made the calls to get him into a rehab program (can you say enabler?).   He promised he would go over and over even though he had “quit” but never did.  When a 300 pound drug dealer came to my house looking for Michael (all the proof I needed to know he was still using), that was it for me.  When you’re married, you can’t make your CH leave your house and can’t stop him from selling items or loaning out cars because its community property, so your only choice is to leave everything which I did. Surprise. surprise, when I came back to the house a couple days later to get the rest of my stuff, everything was gone.  He still had the balls to look me in the eyes and swear up and down that we were robbed.  

 I filed for divorce that week (2 years ago).  Since then he has been through several rehabs, relapsed and got busted with a crack pipe in his old drug hangout.  Now he claims he has been clean for a year (Lie) and found another enabler to take care of him.  She seems very nice and very charmed by Michael, but the poor thing has no idea what she’s in for and is helping him fight for visitation/custody of my 3 yr old daughter.  Most of our CHs seem like great people when they aren’t using and that’s how they suck us in again and again because we want so badly to believe them. They will use and manipulate you, They may threaten to kill themselves if they lose you. You will waste every spare minute you have worrying about them.  You will spend all your energy trying to help them and they won’t get better. No one is worth that hell. 


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I have had a very difficult time writing the story of my relationship with my CHH.  Every time I tried to put it all down on paper, I found it overwhelming and was sadden by the facts.  To actually have to acknowledge that I had allowed my life to disintegrate to this point is unbelievable.  

I married my CHH 5 ½ years ago.  I knew he had some issues but had no idea that he was an addict.  He had been binging with months of sobriety in between.  His “disappearances” were always attributed to work and not knowing any different, I trusted and believed him.  Within a year of our marriage, things got worse between us.  The fighting and the arguing over missing money, him going MIA at work always resulted in him leaving for a few days to “cool” off.  I always took the brunt of the blame for this.  If I would have been a better wife, and trusted him more, we wouldn’t fight.  We even went to marriage counseling and I was told that I had to trust him.  I had no idea that he was a cocaine addict and that the missing money, his going MIA at work were all a result of his addiction.  I kept trying to make this all okay.  We’d have months of peace and I thought things would be fine and then the cycle would start over.  

It came to a head a year or so later.  A “friend” of his continued to call his cell phone.  The first few hundred times, I was told that she was pregnant and the father of the baby had left her to deal with it all.  He was just trying to help her out, give her a shoulder to lean on.  I am always taking in strays so I was really okay with this.  After all, this was my husband and I had no reason to doubt what he was saying.  Five months into this all, she called one night and I happened to answer his phone, as he was busy.  It was his “friend” again.  I told him that she was on the phone and he went nuts on her for calling him while he was at home.  He hung up on her.  A moment later, she called again and when I answered the phone, she informed me that the reason she had been calling was that my CHH might be the father of her baby.  I was devastated.  He denied it all, told me that she was lying to cause problems because of how he had spoken to her.  I didn’t know what to believe.  I packed up my things and went to stay with family.  After a few days apart and his constant begging me to come home, I did.  In my heart I knew that he may not be telling me the truth about her, and so we went back into counseling.  He denied ever sleeping wit her but did admit that he had been seeing her.  I knew then that he had slept with her and that he might possibly be the father.  I still had no idea of the connection he had with her other than he had met her one night when he and his buddies were out.  I made contact with this woman and established a relationship with her.  I took her to see a doctor and made sure she had food to eat.  I knew that the baby she carried may be my own stepchild and I wanted to make sure that he or she was well.  When the baby was born, paternity was established and I was not shocked to find out that my CHH was indeed the father.  Although I still find it interesting that he still denied ever sleeping with her the day he took the test.  

He stayed clean through out all of this and when the baby was two months old, he came to live with us.  It seems that his birth mother was a CH too.  Imagine that.  We moved to another state and began to repair our life.  This precious little boy was a bond for us to rebuild the damage that had been done.  I still had no idea that my husband was a CH and I thought that we had a chance to make the bad stuff go away.  

About 6 months after we moved, the missing money started and he began MIA at work.  This would result in our fighting and he would leave.  They cycle started again.  A year into this, he came home high for the first time.  He was seeing things, extremely paranoid and talking to his father—who had been dead for 9 years.  I had never dealt with anything like this; I didn’t know what to do so I took him to the ER.  It was then I was told that he had tested positive for cocaine.  

I began researching addiction.  I thought I could “help” him stop.  After all, it’s just that easy---yeah right!  He denied having a “problem” and began the cycle of relapse and abstinence.  He never has practiced recovery.  It was during this time that I spoke with my sons birth mother and found out that she was also a cocaine addict and that my CHH would come to her house to get high.  She gave me permission to adopt my son and for the first time in her adult life, did something selfless.  I will always remain very grateful to her for that.  She wanted him to have more and knew that if I left my husband, my son would be placed in foster care, as I had no legal relationship.  She knew that without me, he stood no chance at having a normal life.  

Over the last two years, I have tried to stand by my CHH and support him.  He has had many opportunities and wasted all of them.  We have been forced into bankruptcy and lost our home, cars and all the conviences of life we had worked hard to accumulate.  He has been unable to hold a job and the financial support of our family has rested on me.  Although we have “lost” so much, he continues to dance with devil and has not stayed clean for more than 8 months.  The last relapse was a month ago.  He took things to a whole new level.  He was gone for nine days and would still be out there had he not gotten so paranoid that he called the police on himself.  He went into a store and told security that someone was trying to kill him.  They called the police and I was contacted as I had filed a missing person report.  The vehicle he had taken with him was a brand new Jeep I had just purchased a week before.  I had to go to a crack house and retrieve it.  He had left it in the care of his dealer in exchange for drugs.  They informed me that if I were going to take the Jeep, I would have to pay his debt.  I told them to kiss my *#@!  And that if they lost out on any money, that was what they got for extending credit to a CH.  I was so angry that I had to deal with these people on any level but now I worried that they may try and come to my home to get the money they felt they were owed.

It was at this point that I realized that if I wanted my life to be different in the coming months, years, I had to make a choice on how I would deal with this whole mess.  I may not be able to change him or what he does, but I can change me.  I filed for and obtained a protective order.  When he came back home—broke, broken and begging for another chance, I said no and told him that he would need to get some help and get healthy without me or his family.  He was served with the protective order and told by the police that he would have to wait until the hearing to contact me.  Of course he has violated it numerous times and when we did go to court last Tuesday, the order was granted on a permanent basis.  He is allowed to email me and we are able to participate in counseling if and when he gets into a program.  The courts have not allowed him visitation until he gets into treatment.  Only then will he be given a two-hour visitation with his son.  This will still be supervised and he will need to submit to a UA before each and every visit.  He is also to pay for all the costs associated with this.  He was furious and as always, blamed me for all his problems.  The nice thing about the protective order is I don’t have to listen to any of it.  I can detach and work on my own recovery.  I do find it interesting that he has gotten his job back but failed to get into treatment.  I guess his family wasn’t that important after all.  

I look at this precious child I have been entrusted to raise and I know that I will no longer expose him to the chaos and turmoil addiction causes.  I have three older children and each of them have suffered greatly from my CHH choices.  

Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  I love the man he could be.  I ask my Higher Power each and every day to give him the strength he will need to overcome this but I also ask that I have the strength to continue to make healthy choices for my family and myself.  While I cannot change him, I can make the necessary changes in my life so that addiction is no longer a part of it.

 

Thanks all for listening!
 


 

From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 About 6 years ago my husband came to me and asked for help.  He admitted that the all-nighters with the boys drinking was when he was actually using cocaine.  I knew he had an alcohol problem when I met him, just not drugs.  He said that he needed my help.  So I forgave him.  His habit happened about once a month.  Sometimes he would dissapear for 24-48 hours.  I would not hear from him and when he came home he would apologize and crash on the couch.  I developed my first case of herpes (and I didn't cheat).  He swears he has never slept with anyone during our marriage and that he could have had it before our marriage only it lay dormat.  The doctor looked at me funny when I asked this question.

 Once he dissapeared for 5 days and I filed a missing persons report after I got strange phone calls from his cell.  He was angry.  When he showed up, he told me someone had stole his truck, leather jacket, and phone.  He had to wait for them to come back to get his stuff back.  I told his mother and a friend about his addiction.   He made promises that he later broke.  I threatened to leave and he went to a therapist.  It seemed to be working.   He was also unemployed at the time, collecting unemployment.  When unemployment ran out and no "good-paying"job was in sight he became depressed.    He began drinking again.  Then he got a job with a contracting company in Iraq.  The weekend before he left he went on a 4 day binge.  He was back long enough to pack his stuff and go.  He came home on leave midway through.  Everything seemed fine, except for his heavy drinking, which, he said he had under control.  WE bought a house.  The weekend before his return to Iraq, he went on a 3 day binge.  He left all the packing for me to do.  (He now blames me when he can't find something; he says that I threw it away.)

 He was fired from this job after a year, and came home depressed. He has been"looking" for a "good-paying" job for 5 months now.  He came home with a substantial savings which I have no access to.  He began drinking heavily and going on binges twice a month.  These binges would be for 2-3 days.  He is an expert at "the arguement."  He swears he never has sex while on a binge and he just drives around all night.  When he would come home, we would either fight or not talk to each other for 4-5 days.  Meanwhile he was crashed on the couch, drinking gatorade.  Then he would act all sweet and loving and things would go back "to normal."  One night after drinking, he stated he needed to run to the ATM for cash the next day as I was driving the truck (he was fixing my car).  After he left, I started thinking about why he would need cash as he would be home all day.  But he returned 30 minutes later (the ATM is 5 minutes away) in a good mood.  When I went to bed, he came in and said he would be cleaning the shed outside.  I awoke an hour later with a heavy stomach.  All the shed blinds were pulled and windows shut.  I went outside and tried the door, it was locked.  I went inside to get the key.  I unlocked the door only to find it blocked by a piece of furniture.  He told me he would be right out as he pushed the door closed and locked it.  I smelt a faint acidic sweet smell ( I have a strong sense of smell).  I had heard cocaine was scentless, so I knew he had to be doing something else as well.  He didn't come  in the house until noon HIGH.  The key to the shed has vanished.

 This past month he has done 3-4 day binges every weekend.  Sometimes they start by him telling me he is "thirsty" and he needs me to drop everything and take care of him (usually when I need to write lesson plans or grade papers).  Then the arguement occurs.  He tells me he tries to stay clean for me, so when I am too busy for him, he feels like I don't care; therefore, the drugs.  Two Thursdays ago (after an evening argument), I came home to find him locked in the bathroom with the water running.  My 12 year old daughter and 10 year old son were home from school.   I thought this odd behavior, so I asked if he was ok.  He said he was "hot."  The water turned off 2 hours later; however, he did not emerge until I banged on the door 5 more hours later.  I heard sounds of frantic clean up and reassurances that he would be right out.  He came out HIGH and locked himself in the shed.  I smelled the sweet acidic smell from the bathroom.  There were remnants of cocaine lines on my handheld mirror.  His credit card was under the rug, the trash was full of toilet paper stuffed toilet paper rolls.  I dug.  I found a straw, and about 30 burnt matches in these rolls.  I also found a cut up copperish SOS pad in his pants pocket.  I have been told that this sounds like he is smoking crack. The ATM slip in his wallet was for $300.  He was still in the shed when I left for work.  When I came home early (worried about how my daughter would be with him on a binge -she gets out of school before I do), he was packing his bag.  He seemed surprised that I was home early.  He left to return around noon the next day.  This past weekend he was set for a class for a new salesman job he convinced a friend to "hook" him up with.   He said he was going to spend the night in town (it is an hour away) for convenience.  I went to have lunch with him (driving an hour there and back in one day).  He was snappy to the kids and acting irritable.  I asked if he would come home after the meeting.  He said he didn't have plans.  Then in his next breath he said he was watching the game at a friends house unless things got to rowdy.  I called him that evening; he was drinking.  The next day I called at noon.  His phone was shut off.  The next night his friends started calling me looking for him.  His friend had a scheduled hunting trip in another state with him.  My husband finally called the friend and said he was on his way home, he was having trouble with his phone, etc.  My husband walked in and went straight to the shower (hours after calling the  friend),  I checked his wallet.  The $840 he had in there for his hunting trip was gone.  I asked how much he spent, he said "not that much."  He answers were nonchalant and vague.  I asked how was he going to go hunting.  He stated he still had money. He stated that he would use his money how he wanted until it ran out.  Since he left on the trip, he has not called until tonight (4 days).   He sounded his old self and ready to pick up as sweet, loving husband.  By the way, he has been seeing a substance abuse counselor this month. 

 I found your sight last night and I cried and cried.  But I knew that I had to file for divorce.  I had a consultation a month after his return, but could not go through with it.  I am still hopeful that he will change, but your site helped me realize that I have to get out for the safety and sanity of my children and myself.  God give me strength to see this through and not give in to his manipulations and vindictive behaviors.  Thank you for your honesty.  Knowing that others are in the same situation is helping me move forward.

 Thank you!

M


 From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I submitted my story a while back, when I was dealing directly with an addict's insanity.  Actually, I have several addicts in my life.  Two sisters, an ex, brother-in-law, and countless friends addicted to crack cocaine.  Crack is truly an epidemic in this Illinois city where I reside.  I became romantically involved with a crack addict two years ago.  No, I did not know he was using because he told me he'd been drug free for three years when we met.  What an awesome story teller this man turned out to be.  It didn't take long for his insanity to invade my life.  I'm talking immediately.  And like so many others, I became caught up (addicted?) to his chaos, empty promises, half-truths, no-truths, infidelities, wild stories, disappearing acts, etc., etc., etc….Things got to where I couldn't tell reality from his insanity.  It was like living in a drama-horror movie for me.  I don't and never have used crack.  By the grace of my HP, I hope I never do.  You see, I gave up trying to have any kind of relationship with family members who are smoking that shit a long time ago.  So it was humbling at the least to find myself involved with an incognito CA.  He disappeared from my life for the last time August 16th.  It wasn't his bottom.  It was my bottom.  Maybe things were a little bit easier for me to let go this time.  After two attempts, we were not living together.  Because of my learned distrust for him, he did not have a key to my home.  Yes, I went to his apartment several times that first weekend, banging on the door (of course he didn't answer or wasn't there).  I called him many times (of course the phone was turned off).  And I felt tremendously sick inside and took a good look at what I had allowed my life to become.  I was loving someone who would cash me out in a heartbeat for rocks and crack whores.  Two years investment was enough for me.  On the fifth day of his disappearance, I made a decision with HP.  And I'd had enough.  No more calls, no more visits, no more communication - period.  He had left his work truck in my driveway.  He always left some kind of insurance behind to come back to.  Two and a half weeks went by and I made another decision.  I called and had it towed off my property.  And I haven't had a neck ache or a headache or a stomach ache related to his crackhead butt since.  Thirty two days later, he called looking for his vehicle.  Like Rip Van Winkle, he woke up or something.  Said he'd had a nervous breakdown..  I gave him directions to the yard that was holding the truck and hung up the phone.  He left another message later - very upset that his tow bill would be like $600.  I laughed.  He's made a couple attempts at phone conversations - I simply don't participate in any communication with him.  There is no point to it.  I'm busy letting go of hurt, anger and even sympathy for him.  None of that does any good, either.  But I can't tell you the peace that has come over me this last month.  No more wondering when the next drama or mission will take place.  No more dark clouds hanging out over my house.  No more wondering what he's up to.  I don't have to play "I Spy" anymore.  I've given him over to a Power greater than me.  Because I can't do anything to change him, my sisters, my ex, using friends.  I can take care of me today.  Two weeks ago I started dating a decent guy.  I'm still in culture shock - it seems like he actually does what he says he's going to do and he seems to be where he says he's going to be.  He likes to do things besides sleep all the time.  Who knows?  I just feel soooooooo much better today than where I've been the last couple years.  And I don't think I could have done a lot of this without this website.  It has been a lifesaver for me for the last year or so.  Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories with me.  I've read each and every one of the stories and the discusssions.  You've helped me move toward a new life!


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Someone told me the other day that I was sicker than John a crack addict because it took me nine years to finally give up on him.  I became the enabler always getting John out of trouble. John was a good lied, and knew exactly what to say to me to always get his way.  I remember once he called me because one of the crack dealer refused to give him back my truck he used, Without even thinking I go over to the crack house and yelled that the truck did not belong to John but to me and if he didn't let it go I would call the police, I did have 91on my cell and if he was going to come close I would dial the other one.  Once John forgot where he parked his car and we spent the whole day looking for it. I would still hang in there, He was always so guilty and how sorry he

was, that he would get the help he needed and then on the next payday off for a crack fix.  There were many times he would bring crack home I would find the door to his room closed and knew what was going on, I broke down the door because I couldn't believe he would do it right under my nose.  He has destroyed walls, with oils he had an unusually sex going on mainly with himself I felt like he was hurting himself from all the blood I would find most all the time, also He loved the computer with all the pron. stuff and dvds. Finally at some point in time I realize I just can't help John I would throw him out, but he would beg to come back with promise he would get help.  I brought him to rehabs, detox, emergency so many times they knew him by name, all my friends told me I was crazy, give up on him, The money I spent on lawyers, getting him out of DUIs driving  without license but you see I had that sickness . Well it all caught up with John he is now in Jail on
three hit and runs, by the way my car he reck, I would go to jail and see him every week posted bail to get him out.  He told me so many lies but finally now that I see he is trying to destroy someone else's life with his lying, I realized he'll always find someone else to fill his needs.  John is back in Jail because the revoked the bond.  Its like an additions to wonder how he is, I did finally cut off all ties blocking the phone getting rid of all his things.  I feel real stupid because it took me to long to finally figure how sick John is and all I was doing was helping him not get better.


From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 I thought I’d to a follow-up on the story I submitted back in May 5, 2005 about my brother who had been a doctor and was addicted to crack and eventually lost his medical license and ultimately killed himself.  I'm still in the process of settling the estate and it was a mess and heavily in debt.

I check this web-site from time to time and it just reaffirms what I learned the hard way (and what others are learning too) that a crack addict will dominate you and all he used to love until he exhausts you.  I consider myself and my family lucky – my brother is dead.  Actually he “died” years ago and that is the memory that I keep because there are some very wonderful moments of when we were younger and playing together.

The main message that I thought I’d bring up in this “follow-up” to my previous crack story is the effect it had on me.  I had absolutely no concept of how much I allowed his behavior to “reprogram” my attitude to life.  For years I learned to dread every phone call and every visit.  I reached the point that when I was feeling good about things I’d tell myself to stop because the “shit hammer” would drop – and it always did. He’d call with some horrible words or situation that I felt compelled to help him out of and it would destroy my day.  He’d page me out of meetings and start screaming at me when I returned the call.  He’d call at 1 or 2 in the morning and start out nice but then start yelling at me and telling me I was a bad brother and I'd spend the rest of the night staring at the ceiling wondering what I could do.  It never stopped. It reached the point that I allowed myself to become indoctrinated to “wait for the other shoe to drop” which is what Alanon says will happen to your way of thinking.  What's the point of being happy when you know that one phone call or visit will ruin everything.  You learn to expect bad things to happen - and they would - which just reinforces your behaviour pattern of expecting the worst.

Well he is gone now and over the past 6 months I’ve been working every single day to change my outlook on life.  Life can truly be wonderful – look around.  There are wonderful things out there!!

For those with a crack addict in their lives you must not let them destroy you too.  They will if you let them and they won’t care either.


  From:  
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Wow, this is new for me but I am thankful for a place to put these feelings, I keep a journal so writng is very theraputic for me. In the last couple of weeks I found out that a man I love is smoking crack, totally foreign to me because it is not anything I have experienced before and I want to understand, but I know I never will.I am aware that I can't do anything for him but pray and hope the best for him but it is really hard because I am a caregiver by nature and I always want to help anyone who is in trouble, so of course someone I love is really a challenge to just leave them alone, I know I have to, and for as much as I love him loving myself is more important, and I will remove myself from any contact with him, and in time the wound will heal. I feel sad but writing this is soothing my heart. I am a strong believer in whatever does not kill you makes you stronger, and I have dealt with plenty in my life and I am still here, stronger and better for it.

This man has a wife who will accept whatever he does just to say she is with him,  they are at present living in separate households, but that will change as he continues this downward spiral, she would buy his crack for him I believe just to keep him around, now I think that to be sick situation in and of itself. He abuses alcohol and now drugs, she has already been known to supply his alcohol and then complain about him being a drunk, so you see that is why I can see her becoming his drug supplier next.

This man is retired military who started this habit before he was retired a year, the job he got, that I helped him get does not piss test, that is to bad for him because as long as he was active duty, he stayed drunk a plenty but, he was not abusing drugs, he is someone who should have gotten a civil service job, maybe that would have kept him on the straight and narrow as far as drugs went, that is my thought I have no way of knowing it to be fact of course.

This has been just what I needed to start to feel better, I know I can not save this man I can never trust him again nor would I try to, I have told him I love him, and that i would have to love him from afar because this lifestyle is too scary for me to even consider being around, does not change the fact that I have to go through this period of mourning for the loss of, the drug free man I fell in love with.

His wife seems to think she has gotten the best of me by  winning him back from me she is just as sick as he is, because her trophy is a crack head, I can think of better trophys to be proud of, but then I am not as crazy as this chick either, and that I am thankful for.

Thank you for this opportunity to start my healing and not feel so alone in the journey.


From: 
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: My story

 I have to sit back and laugh when I read all these stories, and not because they are funny, that they arent.  I have live through almost everything written, and still continue to live through it.  I have left several time.  I have left on Christmas night, what a happy holiday that was for my kids.  I left once more after that for four months, but I was still paying his bills and mine.  My oldest daughter cant understand why we keep going back, and I find alot of excuses to tell her, but I dont know why I do either.  We always do better when we leave, but usally its just my girls that will go, my son who doesnt know anything, cause I think he dont want to know.  He refuses to leave his dad, and I dont have the heart to kill his hero.  I go through so many ups and downs, but this time, its going down fast.  He has been smoking crack for 12 days straight, he goes to work, and comes home and starts right away.  We pay the cost though.  While he is getting high in our room, I stay away from him, when we all go to sleep, he starts to hear voices, and see things that arent there, come racing out of the room, running around looking out windows, and pulling covers off of me, thinking for some reason someone is laying  with me on the sofa.  He goes in my daughters room, looking in her closet and under her bed, and he just never seems to find anyone or anything, but swears we are all in on this, to make him feel he is going crazy.  It is sometimes so comical to me, but th at is to keep me from losing it.  I think what am I doing to my kids, we have no life, no one can come over, I have no freinds, and dont want any.  I go to church, but I cant even allow him to go with me, cause he tends to show out, and embarass me cause he is coming down, and is angry.  Oh, I get blamed for everything that is going on in his life.  No one can understand why I am still here.  They want me to leave him so he can hit bottom, and they can have their son and brother back.  I think I just try to act like it dont exsist, that if i ignore him and his problem it will all go away, but Im not that neive.  Im not stupid either, I know that I am enabling him to continue, that Im not helping him at all by staying, but its like its worst for me when I leave,  yeah things are good, peace of mind is wonderful, but Im still paying everything for him, cause he has my son with him, and I wont let him go without, so therefore he wont go without either, so its truly party time.  People!!!  I know what I got to do, and I know I need to do it soon, but I ask this?  Why with all the knowledge we have, and movies, and songs, how does one start or even think about using crack, my husband was in his mid 30's, his mother in her late 40's, and his aunt who never even smoked a cigarette, is now an addict too.  When he is on this stuff one thing he tend to do without failure is pull everything out of the cabinets.  I finally asked his the other day, what are you looking for?" Your common sense!" I dont think your gonna find it in there.  I get angry, but most of the time, I just shake my head.  For a man to be once so smart and full of energy and life.  He looks lost and half dead.  He doesnt feel he has a problem, in fact he says he likes to smoke crack, so that is telling me, Im not at the end of this after 7 years, we are just at the beginning.  Well to all of you who have found the courage to leave, my hands to you, for those of you who have just began, good luck to you, and for those of you who are just where I am, may GOD !!!! bless us to accept the things we can not change, to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Romans1:22  Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools<  isnt this the truth.


Hi Steve:

I am grateful for your site. Late in my drama I started reading volumes at 100's of other sites about crack. Everything and anything that would help me understand, cope, and accept what has happened. I read all of the sad stories you posted. I can identify with most of what is written. My story is in the minority because my "loved one"is a female crack addict. I do wish more men would post here as it would help me see that my gal is no different than any other female crack addict. You see, I still struggle (at times) with denial that my gal would do what many other females will do to get crack.

This story is a my honest account of the last two dark years. It will include the dumb things I did, how naive I was, how cruel, inpatient or insensitive I may have later become, as well as the things I may have done to enable her. When I filed to divorce her she chose to go back to using. I do not do drugs, I do not completely understand all of the crack underworld, have a very good job, own my own home, etc. I no longer even drink because of the devastation I have seen crack cause. Hopefully I can get some closure here and help others.

I met her just over two years ago through an acquaintance. I was 54 and 2 years divorced, she was 37 and 12 years divorced. She was extremely attractive to me. She ended up staying with me by the end of that evening (something I’ve never done before). I simply could not resist her smile, charm, fun loving nature or her figure. She was living with her dad at the time and unemployed. After a few evenings she told me about her past life. This included trying heroine a few times and having been arrested for possession of crack a year back. She was nearly finished with probation and had been clean since then. Said she was glad she got caught because she knew she needed and wanted help. Said she attended court ordered OP treatment. Said that really didn’t help her because she had to see wet placed and faces in while attending them.

She ended up staying with me for several months. Did a great job of keeping my house. She talked about finding work but didn’t. During the first year together we both drank quite a lot. But no drugs. In early Fall I asked her to move back with her dad and we would see each other. She reluctantly agreed. She found limited work (no car) which lasted a month or so. Shortly after New Years I asked her to move in with me. I paid a few small past legitimate debts for her, bought her a cell phone so "we can stay in touch" and got her a credit card on my account. In early March she disappeared one evening not returning till mid morning, no calls. She activated her credit card at an ATM withdrawing $590. Said she smoked it up herself. I forgave her, unaware of crack’s power. At the end of March she did the same thing for $205 before I cancelled the card at 2 a.m. By now I was reading a little about crack. At 7:30 a.m she called from a local rehab saying she needed help and I could kick her out, she would not blame me. I didn’t, instead we arranged for counseling for the following month (she never went). We both continued drinking to excess. She constantly told me she was in love with me from day one, I was her world and she couldn’t make it w/o me. She brought out her old NA books reading them at home.

In April we drank to our usual excess. Most of the time she got drunk, I didn’t. In early May I bought a used car so she could look for work. She stayed out all night 3 times that month, always returning mid morning, always saying she was alone, thinking, depressed or something. I forgave her for all of this because she was having some trouble with her 19 yr. old daughter.

In June she found work. That month she apparently stayed away from crack but drank a lot. She was gone all night three times in the first half of July. Same pattern as before, always some excuse for it. In the 3rd week of July she did a 3 day binge. On day 2 she called, asking if I was going to let her return. I asked her to come home. She said "I will tomorrow". I couldn’t talk her out of it, she was high. At 1:30 a.m. the following night she called from a motel. She was coming down, crying and hysterical. I went for her. I wished I would have videoed her, she was wild with hysteria, paranoia, and delusional. When I searched the room I found a man’s straw hat in the corner. No evidence of sex on the bed sheets. She said a dealer left the hat in her car and forgot it. She took it up to the room with her not wanting it in the car. Says people do irrational things when high and are paranoid. When giving an account of her activities 2 days later she was vague other than to say she and her girlfriend binged at various motels she paid for.

She had pawned her $1,700 engagement ring for $150. I paid to get it back.

In August she left a few more times all night, same pattern. Then she won a $6,500 gift from a raffel ticket I gave her. She sold the gift at work for $4,500. She binged for 9 days with others. She left the car for me to pick up in a parking lot after I told her I had reported it stolen. Afterwards she said she spent only ½ the money on drugs for her and a girlfriend. The remainder went for motels, food, clothes, etc. Says on the 6th day her CH girl friend stole the remainder of her money, all of her belongings while she was showering. When I picked her up, she was barefooted and no panties under her jeans. Says she threw the old ones out and her new ones were among the stolen clothes. Again, I had to get her engagement ring out of pawn. I did check one of the motels. Was informed her and another female stayed there. I checked out clean for any VD with my physician later.

She agreed to IP treatment after her daughter and I pleaded with her. She was very belligerent upon returning. Said she didn’t want IP in the area due to wet places/faces. The only way I could afford this was to marry her so my insurance would cover it. She completed it and seemed to be on the right track. We both quit drinking. Church, weekly meetings, etc. She constantly told me I was her world and she couldn’t make it w/o me. She insisted I attend meeting with her. All went well till Christmas. Two days later her only daughter was killed in a car crash. I fully expected her to go to crack. She didn’t. I stood by her. She grieved. Then she began obsessed with doing jig saw puzzles. She did 30 in a row all day and into the night. As soon as one was finished, she started another. All day and well into the night. After months of this she dove into crafts, day and night, barely getting housework done, rarely preparing meals for us. After months of this she tired of this she started playing euchre on the internet. Same thing. It was not unusual for her to play 8 to 10 hours straight. She stopped coming to bed with me many months ago.

I tried to get her to find work, first with gently suggestions then demands. She refused. Said she would not take a marginal job. Our marriage suffered. After 11 months of marriage I told her I was going to divorce her. She disappeared again for two days. Said she wanted us to be apart to see I’d miss her. Three weeks after our anniversary her phone bill came. I discovered many dealer numbers on it. But by that time she had gone through $1000 on crack from money she had saved. I told her to pack and leave. I gave her the car and money for motels and food until she could get on her feet. She has managed to find a p/t job and has lived in a motel for the past 3 weeks. She has admitted she is smoking crack again and says she doesn’t care. Blames me for it because I am divorcing her. She frequently calls but never in the evening or at night. None of her calls center around her conduct, only mine. She questions what I’m doing, who I’m with, etc. If I bring up any woman’s name she goes into a rage. She is very jealous and suspicious of my conduct. She wants to come back but I won’t let her. I just can’t handle it anymore. As far as I can tell she is smoking about five out of seven nights.

As far as I have been able to prove she does her smoking in a car or motel room. She says she only buys from certain dealers (evidenced by phone logs) who have real jobs, does not deal with street dealers or go to crack houses.

 Finally here are my questions. Based on what I have described, do you think she sold herself for crack? How much can not person smoke up in a night in terms of dollars? Can someone stay out all night with little money? I don’t think friends are willing to share any if at all, like she claims. Did I act harshly toward her? Please don’t sugar coat your answers. Thank you for listening.


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit Story

 After a six year relationship with a beautiful and wonderful woman, she started using crack with her brother.  All the stories I have read on this forum are all the same as mine.  She agreed to go to rehab after "go to rehab or your on the street".  Rehab seemed to go well until I learned that all the guys in the rehab center were there to avoid jail.  Go to rehab or go to jail.  Well after rehab she ran off with one of the guys in the rehab center.  I was there for every rehab meeting and brought her goodies etc.  Crack addicts are professional liars, con artist and will tell you what ever you want to hear.  I believed all the lies.  I am now trying to pay off all the court fines and gas bills back and forth to rehab.  If you are considering rehab, check it out well before sending your addict.  Love will not change them but it will change you.  It will destroy you, your faith in humanity and God.  RUN, get away and completely detach.  If their lips are moving, they are lying. 


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

 Thanks for this wonderful site.  I too have become a victim of a crack addict.  Over the past 12 years I have had to call the cops countless times to help him move his things out of my house.  Of course I had purchased most of them because he could never keep a job.  I thougth by showing  him a good life with a professional woman, he would change his horrible drug life.  His dad and his brother are both addicts too.  My friend BW is in complete denial.  He always told me he was sick of the drug but his promises to finally stop smoking so he could obtain a job never materialized.  I would come home at times and find him moved out to live in the ghetto with one of  his "lady friends".  She is not a user, but is too young to realize his sickness.  She thinks she can change him.  The sad thing is not only would he remove his personal items when moving out, he would take mine so he could sell and have money to use for his habits.  I am truly blessed that God has watched over me because I know I have put myself in dangerous places behind the love a crack addict.  I believe I will hear from his again but know that I can never take him back until he can take control of his life.  I feel I can do it this time.  I feel like I can let go because a relationship with him was really not even a relationship.  He did not like to go to movies, out to eat, or any "normal" date places.  I still have a life ahead of me and pray he finds the strength on  his own to recover.  I am a wonderful person and no crack will ever make me think otherwise.  God bless all of those who  have sufferred in the past like me.  I did not understand what BW was going through until I started my research.  I am no match for crack addiction.  I am on my way to recovery.

 Falling out of love with a Crack Addict