Stories Submitted

These stories are submitted by thoughtful visitors to this Web site. They submit them in the spirit that others may learn and gain insight from their experiences. The stories are posted unedited and anonymous.

You can submit a personal experience, informative article or anything else relating to the general theme of the Web site. It will be posted promptly. Click here to submit your story or click on the Submit Story link above. The most recent stories appear at the end. Thank you.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 2004 6:37 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

MY HUSBAND LEFT ME 50 DAYS AGO, WENT TO WORK AND NEVER CAME HOME. I HAVE FILED TWO MISSING REPORTS ON HIM, AND EACH TIME THEY FOUND HIM. LAST TIME HE WAS FOUND 7-24-04, HE TOLD THE COP WE WERE SEPARATED. THIS WAS A SHOCK TO ME, AND I CRIED. WE HAVE GONE TO LOOK FOR HIM X 2, AND EACH TIME HIS FRIENDS LIED WHERE HE WAS. WE SIMPLY WANTED TO TELL HIM HIS BROTHER WAS VERY SICK, AND SINCE THEN HE HAD DIED. HIS FAMILY AND I ARE SO EMOTIONALLY STRESSED OUT, NOT KNOWING WHERE HE IS.
I AM SO GLAD I FOUND YOUR WEBSITE, IT SUCH COMFORT FOR ME NOW.
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT YOU GO THROUGH, I AM JUST MISERBLE.
I MARRIED TO THIS MAN FOR 18 YEARS, AND WE HAVE 2 SONS TOGETHER.
I LEARNED THAT HE HAS BEEN DOING THIS MOSTLY MY WHOLE MARRIED LIFE. MY SISTER WAS ON CRACK ALSO, AND SHE KICKED THE HABIT.
I TRIED TO HELP HIM GET HELP, BUT HE DIDN'T THINK HE HAD A PROBLEM.
HE WAS DOING SO WELL, AND HAD A GREAT JOB. NOW HE THREW IT ALL AWAY. I STILL LOVE HIM AND ALWAYS WILL, BUT YOUR WEBSITE, LET ME SEE THE TRUE REALITY AND WAS LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR MY FAMILY TO HEAL, BUT I KNOW I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE TO LET HIM GO....
THANK YOU SO MUCH
D-SOON TO BE AN EX-WIFE

From:
Sent: Sunday, July 25, 2004 8:53 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

DEAR STEVE,
KUDOS ON YOUR IMFORMATIVE WEB SITE. I MET MY ADDICT ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO AT WORK. I'VE BEEN IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADDICTS BEFORE-BUT NEVER OF THIS MAGNITUDE. I AM A MANAGER AT A CAR DEALERSHIP AND JOSE WAS HIRED AS A SALESPERSON AND IMMEDIATELY PROMOTED INTO MANAGEMENT. IT SEEMED THAT NO MATTER WHAT GOOD BRAKES J GOT HE WAS NEVER SATISFIED. I KNEW THAT HE HAD AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM PREVIOUSLY, BUT HE ASSURED ME THAT WAS ALL IN THE PAST. J SHORTLY MOVED IN WITH ME(NO PLACE TO STAY). BUT PICKED FIGHTS AND MOVED OUT OF MY HOUSE PROBABLY 10 TIMES IN 6 MONTHS. HE CONTINUED CALLING AND WE ALWAYS GOT BACK TOGETHER. SOON HE GOT A CELL PHONE AND I WAS APPALLED TO SEE ALL THE NUMBERS(FEMALE) HE WAS CALLING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. ONE NUMBER STOOD OUT AND I CALLED IT BUT BACKED OUT WHEN THE WOMAN ANSWERED THE PHONE. THE NUMBER WOULD SOON HAUNT ME 6 MONTHS LATER. BY THIS TIME-1YEAR LATER HE HAD ALREADY BEEN AT 6 DIFFERENT JOBS AND STILL UNEMPLOYED QUITTING ALL JOBS. AT HIS LAST JOB-I AGREED TO BUY A
CAR FOR HIM-OF WHICH HE NEVER MADE ANY PAYMENTS AND QUIT SHORTLY AFTERWARDS. HE STARTED GETTING INVOLVED WITH AN OLDER
WOMAN NAMED M. M WAS AN ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC. SHE WAS PAYING HIS RENT AT A SLEEZY MOTEL AND STILL LIVING WITH HER EX-HUSBAND. SHE TERRORIZED ME AND THREATNED ME AT WORK CONSTANTLY-AND HE KEEP CALLING ME. PROMISING ME THAT HE WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM HER AND START HIS LIFE OVER RIGHT THIS TIME. HE WOULD STAY AT MY HOUSE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS PICK A FIGHTS AND THEN HE WAS BACK AT THE MOTEL WITH M. I EVEN PLANNED HIS DAUGHTERS 17TH BIRTHDAY PARTY AT MY HOUSE AND AFTER HE DROPPED OF THE KIDS HE FAILED TO RETURN AND WAS AGAIN AT THE MOTEL W/M. HE STARTED STEALING FROM ME TOO-FIRST 20.00 FROM MY PURSE AND THEN MY DAUGHTERS CELL PHONE AND CD PLAYER. ALL OF THIS HE DENIED BUT THE ITEMS WERE NEVER FOUND. ALL THE TRIPS TO MEXICO TO SEE HIS DAD WERE ACTUALLY LIES TO SEE M AND GET LOADED. HE DENIED ANY DRUG USE BUT THE PHYSICAL SIGNS WERE UNQUESTIONABLE. HE WAS UNABLE TO PERFORM SEX ANYMORE-AND USED MY HOUSE AS A REST HAVEN IN BETWEEN BINGES. THE DILATED PUPILS AND THE PARANOIA WAS ALWAYS PRESENT. HE ALWAYS ACCUSSED ME OF HAVING SEX WITH OTHER MEN AND BEING A WHORE. ONE TIME WE WENT TO THE SWAP MEET TO SELL SOME ITEMS I HAD FROM HOME. A PULLED OUT OF HIS BAG 30 PAIRS OF BRAND NEW PANTS THAT HE STOLE FROM M'S BUSINESS. ANOTHER TIME IT WAS A TRIP TO HOME DEPOT TO PICK UP PAINT FOR MY HOME-OF WHICH ONLY BOLT CUTTERS WERE PURCHASED-TO CUT OFF M'S LOCK ON HER STORAGE.-ANOTHER FALLING OUT BETWEEN J AND M. SHE NEVER SEEMED TO GIVE UP ON HIM AND IT WAS'NT UNTIL THE LAST TIME WHEN I GOT HIM A JOB AT A LOCAL CAR DEALERSHIP-AND AGAIN HE FAILED TO GO TO WORK. IT'S BEEN 7 WEEKS SINCE I'VE SEEN J-ALTHOUGH HE CALLS ALL THE TIME I REFUSE TO ANSWER THE PHONE. NO PHONE CALLS WITHIN THE PAST 2 WEEKS AND HE'S GONE FROM THE MOTEL. THE LAST I HEARD WAS THAT HE CAUGHT M WITH ANOTHER MAN IN A MOTEL?? WHAT A STORY HUH? HE ALSO DRIVES 40 MILES(HE HAS NO CAR) TO COME TO MY HOUSE AND RAID ALL THE TRASH CANS IN THE NEAR BY VACINITY TO SELL AT THE SWAP MEET. I FINALLY CAME OUT OF IT AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALLOWED HIM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME FOR SOO LONG. I'VE MET FRIENDS IN AL-ON GOING THROUGH THE SAME TROUBLES. HAVE STRENGTH IT'S NOT YOU-THE PERSON YOUR INVOVLED WITH KNOW NO OTHER WAY TO GET BY AND WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHOMEVER ALLOWS THEM(ADDICT) INTO THERE LIVES. GOD BLESS ALL-S

From:
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2004 11:29 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

My husband is an alcoholic and a crack addict. Though our divorce is about to be complete, I still and always will love him. If I knew where he was I would try to find him or join him. He has taken everything: home, property, beloved heirlooms, our future, money, love, the children and the promise of a future that we never had...all ends in betrayal. The details don't even seem important anymore. I don't even believe that he loves me anymore or even ever thinks of me. He has his whores and his drugs. I have loved him for 13 years, since he first said "Hey missy, what you doing on my coat?" He is poet, a lover, an amazing man...beyond any intelligence I have ever known. Several years before we met, he got a tatoo of a woman who looks exactly like me on his back. The woman is entwined with a skull and so I too seem to be entwined. I hope no one responds unkindly to this post. I know that each of our loves is VERY real. We mourn the true vampires of our age, the living undead. And if I could I would join him, but for the children and our cats. We don't have kids of our own, but I am a teacher. I can only hope that after time has stolen everything, he will know in an eternal way that I love him and forgive him, no matter the past or the future. I feel like Ophelia...I have failed him and my love has grown mad. Please pardon the rant and try to find something in the inbetween.
MZ

Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2004 12:45 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Storytory

Hi. I just found out that my daughter is smoking crack. I knew something was up, but never imagined it was this. She has been living in complete filth, and neglecting my grandson. I keep him for weeks at a time, when suddenlly she will call, using him as a way of manipulating me. If I don't give her money, she won't let me see him. I have picked him up at her so called friends houses; where he is being watched be strange men, that I know are drug dealers. I don't know how to even go about getting custody of the baby. I love my daughter, but realize no matter what, I can't help her til she can admit she has a problem. Why can't childern's sevices develope some sort of program for grandparents to be allowed to step in under these circumstances? I feel lost, and alone. I look at my beautiful grandson, and see so little hope for him. I often think there is no way to safe him from my daughter's addition. -- thanks for listening -- J

Sent: Monday, June 21, 2004 9:01 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

AS I SIT HERE IN TEARS READING THESE STORIES, I FEEL I NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY SITUATION. MY EX OF 8YEARS IS A CH. I LEFT HIM LAST YEAR BECAUSE HE WAS DOING COCAINE. I TOOK ME AND OUR 2 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND LEFT HIM WITH NOTHING. I THOUGHT IT WOULD GIVE HIM A REASON TO CHANGE. HE KEPT TRYING TO COME BACK SAYING HE KNEW WHAT HE HAD TO DO TO MAKE US WORK AGAIN. EVENTUALLY HE ENDED UP IN JAIL AND GOT OFF ON A YEARS PROBATION. WELL HE HAS BEEN COMING AROUND MORE OFTEN AND I THOUGHT THINGS WERE MAYBE GOOD AGAIN, BUT NOW HE USING CRACK. HE HAS STOLEN FROM ME AND OUR CHILDREN, TAKEN OFF WITH MY CAR FOR DAYS WITHOUT EVEN A PHONE CALL. THEN HE SHOW UP AND BEE EXHAUSTED AND JUST LAY AROUND AND EAT LIKE CRAZY. BUT WHEN THE WEEKEND COMES HE DISSAPEARS AGAIN OR SOMETIMES HE CONSTANTLY IN THE BATHROOM. HE LEFT EARLY SATURDAY MORNING AND HASNT BEEN BACK YET. BUT WHEN HE SHOWS UP HE HAS A SURPRISE, HIS CLOTHES ARE PACKED AND HE IS OUT THE DOOR.. THIS TRULY IS TEARING ME AND HIS WONDERFUL FAMILY APART, BUT WE NOW KNOW IT IS ALL UP TO HIM TO GET HELP. THESE STORIES IVE READ ARE SO ALIKE IT MAKES MY STOMACH CURL. THIS DRUG IS SO POWERFUL THAT THEY WILL GIVE UP THEIR SOULS.. MY EX IS A STRONG BELIEVER IN GOD. I HOPE GOD WILL WAKE HIM UP BEFORE ITS TO LATE. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING

Sent: Sunday, June 20, 2004 12:16 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Dear Steve,

About three months ago i started having dreams about my ex-husband. I

didn't know he was smoking crack at this time so it was weird. I am a very spritual person.

I knew i had to talk to him to see if it was true. We didn't get along very well after our divorce

it was bad. I finally seen him for the first time about a month and a half ago. He is addicted.

This hurt me so bad i never would have expected him to touch the pipe. He has always smoked weed but thats about it. I swore i would never let him hurt me again after our divorce,but he has. recently he has been calling me asking for help, he knows he has a problem. The thing is his new wife smokes it to she tries to put all the blame on him, but she is the one that got him started. I have four children that are not his real kids but he raised them for seven years of their lifes. I was always his strength when we were married. Myself a recovery meth addict. I have never seen anyone smoke crack and after seeing him i swear i will never touch a pipe! We have been friends since we were 9 so there is alot of history between us. I have always helped people out when i could thats just me. So i felt obligated to try and help the man that i will always love in my heart. His wife can't understand why he would turn to me, but i do. He has been at mine and my fiancee's house for the past week and has been clean for 6 days now. I think being with his kids and having me talk and talk is helping. We have spent alot of time on the internet these past few days i have learned more about this stuff then i ever wanted to know. Monday morning we have a appt. to talk to a rehab. But just seeing the change in him since he has been here is alot for me. Thanks to your site and the things we read i think he got scared. He has lost every thing at this point his job, his wife, house,car. The one thing he hasn't lost is my friendship and his kids love. I believe that love and caring can conquer just about anything. I know he has a long road ahead, but you have to start somewhere. Having cancer myself i am emotionally exhausted, but i will not give up on him thats something i have never done. I have to thank you for being stright forward it has helped me tremendously! So i guess to everyone out there we all have a choice to make i think i am making the right one. Marrige isn't just a contract, true friendships last forever, and patience is the key to sucsess. I thank god everyday for the man i have now if it weren't for his patience my ex would probably be out on the street or even worse. In my dreams when i reached the end the worst had happened but i believe that GOD showed me the future so i could try and change the end! things happen for a reason i believe that and now my kids are helping their dad out and learning first hand just how bad drugs are. I am learning that marriages may come and go but friendships do not. we are all expeirences something that i believe will make us all stronger in the end. And the best part is that my kids will have their dad back in their lifes! People don't understand the way things happen or why they happen, but in the end there is always a reason.To evetybody out there with some kind of addiction the number one thing is to have FAITH IN GOD! I have been clean for three years and i pray to god everyday for another sober day.

Thank You For Listening!

ex-wife and friend

Sent: Friday, June 11, 2004 11:44 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

my friend's has two children from a crack addict. She was using for at least 15 years. She has been in a program for the past year and is now living with him for the past 3 weeks. He has been her support for the past 15 years and presently still assisting her. She is on what he says is medication to help her sleep and i don't know what else. He believes that the medications is helping her stay off of crack. He bought her a car and believes she has recovered. I told him that he is a good person in helping her but he should let her see if she can deal with life's pressures on her own (without assisting her so much). This man has raised their 2 children and 6 more from 2 other crack addicted mothers on his own. I think he and his children needs counseling because he is supporting their addiction too much. Please respond and tell me what i can do to help this person.

Sent: Tuesday, June 08, 2004 6:48 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

this is the story about my baby sister she is 33 years old she met a guy fresh out of jail 4 years ago he started feeding her drugs of all sorts her ex took her kids from her and she used that as and excuse to take more drugs and then it happened she got pregnant she had twin boys i have one and my sister has one the one i have has cerebal palsy and the one my other sister has has kindey problems all due to drug use of crack cocaine in the beginning of her pregnancy and being in and out of jail the whole pregnancy with no medical care when she first had the babys she wanted them after 4 months she was ready to be with herdrugs and her so called friends in the past year she has been in and out of our lives due to the drugs she has been gone now 2 weeks we haven't heard from her i miss her the sister i used to know and love how can i get her back.

Sent: Sunday, June 06, 2004 11:37 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Steve, I want to thank you for the information on your site. I have been a relationship with a crack addict for 14 years! And I am only 35 years old! My whole life has been spent trying to ease his pain and "help" him. I have finally come to realize that I cannot help him, he has to help himself.

My story starts in 1990, we met because I worked in a plasma donation center and he was a donor at the center. He was such a nice guy and always clean and well-mannered. He spoke with intelligence and was extremely kind to my young daughter. We developed a relationship and he worked full time and I worked full time until I became pregnant with our son in 1992, he was born in 1993. During that pregnancy is when his drug use came to light. He convinced me that he could stop and wanted to stop to care for his son. I was young and very easily manipulated. He knew that I was afraid to raise another child without a father, as I was raising my daughter without her father. Well, then along came child #3 in 1994, 11 months after my sone was born. His drug use had either dwindled or became less apparent or better hidden but I didnt see it the way I did when I was pregnant with my son. I was convinced and very happy that he had chosen our family over the drugs. Life went on and was very good until 1996, when he was in serious accident on his job. He was working at paper mill and his left leg was amputated below the knee due to defective machinery. The leg was successfully re-attached but now we had rehab and pain meds to deal with. He was told that he will take meds for pain for the rest of his life. His leg is a concoction of other parts of his body. He has a steel rod from his knee to his ankle where there is no bone left. There is muscle from his stomach and his thigh to form his calf. There is blood vessels from his arms, and legs to create a blood flow system. There is bone from his hip to form a strong base of support at his ankle so he can stand. After taking several different pain meds, it was finally determined that Morphine capsules worked the best. He took them for about 2 years, then the Workers Comp settlement came in and they no longer paid for his meds. Morphine is expensive and he cannot work. I tried to pay for his meds for a time being but I just couldn't afford them His doctor switched him to Methadone because it was cheaper and just as effective for the pain. He has taken Methadone now for about 3 years. He takes three 10 mg tablets, 6 times a day. he is a zombie. He sleeps on and off all day but mostly during the day. He is awake all night and this is when he gets high. I can hear the crackling from the other side of our bed sometimes. My children are now 16, 11 and 10 years old. I have finally got the courage to tell him to leave my home. Yesterday, he left. I miss him already because I know the good person he used to be. I want that person back for me and for my children. Please tell me if I did the right thing? Is there such a program that he can get into for treatment while he takes Methadone for pain? Is he doomed to this miserable existence forever.

Any help you can give is helpful.

Thank you,

Sent: Friday, May 28, 2004 8:08 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

well im sitting here wondering where he is......again!! been with him for 8 1/2 yrs. hes been a crackhead for the past 4. i dont know how we ended up where we are today. all our plans for the future are gone. crack took them away. we were so much in love, plans to get married, dreams of a great future together. i made him move out sept 30, 2003 just couldnt deal with the stealing, lying, sneaking around. always sceming how to get away. i finally put my foot down about him doing it around me, or at the house, so then he would just disappear.now he lives with his mom (who is a recovered crack addict) unemployed and very sick with diabetes, shingles, stomach ulsers you name it.last year he weighed 200+ now he 160 soaking wet. we had a "date" for yesterday. but he just disappeared. he called me at 1am so sorry, never do that again, i cant live without you, i messed up, please forgive me. then he called me at work today....can we see each other tonight? "its the week end" so stupid me says yes....so where is he now??? gone again...disappeared again!! hes slowly dying and i cant stop it, he claims to love me but his love for crack is always stronger. i am almost to the point where i will be able to walk away....but what will happen to him if he loses me. i truly believe i am the only thing in his life he has to live for. he has lost everything else, even himself. he is really the funniest, most loving man when hes not controlled by this. why cant he see he is going to lose me, has already lost me???? i need help.............

Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2004 2:19 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I have to tell you that I really don't know what it will take for me to understand the nature of crack and what it can do to a person and to their loved ones. I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 5 years and it has been a roller coaster ride. When he was clean, which was usually months at a time, things were great. He worked and made really good money and made me think that our future would be amazing because he was done with using crack. When things were bad (when he was on a binge) which could last a month or longer, usually until he got arrested, life was a living HELL. It is unbelievable what he does. He lives at home with his loving family in a big and beautiful house, BUT when he goes on a binge, he lives from hotel room to hotel room, sometimes changing locations 2 or 3 times a night because he is so paranoid. I was treated like a queen when he was clean to a piece of dirt when he was using. He treated me like I was the enemy!!! I would be called every name in the book from whore, slut, coke head - you name it he accused me of it. In the beginning, I used to take it so personal, even though none of it was true. But I felt really bad and I would spend my time trying to convince him otherwise. I was really wrapped up with this. I am a nice girl, university educated, excellen job and then I would think, I don't need him, I could find someone else no problem. But easier said than done. Just when you think they are out of your life, think again. He would get arrested, call me for help and then I would become a sucker and actually help because I felt sorry for him. But then the cycle would continue over and over again. I have bailed him numberous times only for him to go back on the streets again. You name it, i have done everything, from taking the license plates off the car so he would stop. Doesn't matter - they will go on foot if they have to. The last time, he was in a treatment program and was clean for 8 months and he was doing so good - BUT he relapsed and it has been over a month now. I am so sick of the abuse (and it has been very mental and when they are on crack it does get physical). I have been for help and the only thing that I can say is love the addict and hate the addiction. Therefore, I have learned the hard way and I have to be strong for myself and most importantly for him. I have to stop enabling him, so I have decided to turn my back on him - not taking any of his abusive calls anymore, hanging up on him when he does call and get a hold of me, revoking bail the first day he goes back out there and not giving him any more chances to just see if he will go home. You can not help - the only thing I did was let him manipulate me, lie to me and I enabled him to use. Not anymore - I will probably never understand this addiction. But I have to understand that I come first and I have a good life and I only have one to live, so I better make the best of it. I have come to realize that no matter who he is with, what he is doing - that this is who he is until he decides to change within. That is how I have managed to move on, but it is hard because they won't give you up!!! We have the minds to make the decision - not them.

Heart and Soul

Sent: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 5:52 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Storytory

Wow, what a great resource of information. I recently left my husband and filed for divorce after finding out he is addicted. We were married for almost 13 years and he has always smoked pot on a daily basis, which I had a hard time dealing with and finally said as long as it was not brought into my home with our children. Now compared to this the pot seems to be breeze. I listened to every word he said and wanted to believe him so much. He could quit on his own, and wanted my help. Well I am not very wise when it comes to the drug scene so I about drove myself crazy researching on the web for more information. I couldnt seem to get enough, eventually I felt like the addict. It effected my sleep, my work (just received a promotion around this time), my home life, and definately my feeling for my husband. We already had too many issues going on in our marriage and this sent me over the edge. I began monitoring his cell phone and following him around asking a million questions, he did say he wanted my help and he was getting it full force, I even order drug testing kits to perform at home because he didnt want anyone to know. This lasted for 1 week before a postive result came up. Then it was someone else's fault from this point on it was various excuses and all lies. I lost all feelings for him and didnt even want to look at him. We went to see a counsellor who tried to blame me for this addicition, I was being to hard and was almost at breaking point of going insane. I did nothing but cry all the time. Then after one his binges I gave him a choice, rehab full-time or I was leaving. We met with the rehab, and he went from the 30 day in house to outpatient, to attending meetings. Of which none of these choices fit into his schedule. I gave him 1 week to start atleast the meetings. This didnt happen so within 48 hours I found an apartment, filed for divorce, and moved.

It has been almost 2 months that me & my 3 children have been away from him. I am doing great but my boys are not so good. I have them in counselling and I told them what I could at their age level, I felt that I needed to be honest because they see dad crying and apologizing and mom leaving and being mean. I still get calls that he has people watching him but almost in the same breath he says that he is clean. I am following through with my divorce and I hope he gets help for my boys sake because until I know that he is clean and my boys are in no danger, I feel that I need to keep them away from him.

I do put blame on myself for not being more judgmental in my selection of my spouse but I feel that I gave all I could and he wasnt worth my time and effort any longer. After reading the information from your website, it was exactly all of the things that he told me, and helped me to realize that I made the right decision, and enables me to put that part at rest.

Thanks for this information

Sent: Tuesday, April 13, 2004 10:25 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I have been married to a CA for seven years now. I learned of his use two weeks after we were married. I was naive and thought it was a recreational thing. We now have two children 2 years old and 5 years old. The use has gotten worst over the years. He can go three days at the most and then he sleeps all day. Normally this is on the weekend. He stay up all night, doing nothing but watching porn. He has been unfaithful twice that I know of and now I am convienced that he has probably been cheating with the crack whores he use and buy from. He does not see himself as having a problem because he stay at home and states he does not go to houses because he has it delivered. For the past two months, I have been checking the bank statements and each month, there was 4,000.00 unaccounted for. How can that much money be spent? I feel trapped, because my kids adore him. I also say I need to plan financially before I leave? I just do not know what to do, but I feel my situation will not get any better. I really need to find a support group for wives of professionals. Can you help me? I live in North Carolina.

Sent: Monday, April 12, 2004 11:10 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hello Steve

I am a 14 year old boy who's mother is addicted to crack.I just thought that I would write to this site to show kids who also read the site that it will get better some time.I lived with my mother for 6 months last year.She got into crack when a lady next door moved in and was trying to get out to.My mother thought she could help.She got into the life and never had the courage to leave well she could.I do not blame the women next door for my mothers addiction I know that everyone has a mind of there own.Well my mom was doing crack I had no one pointing me in the right direction I ended up drinking allot.My mom also had a boyfriend at the time who helped me through it he had no children of his own but he sure new how to be a great father.He loved my mom so much he just couldn't leave her so he kept giving her money to pay for her addiction.He stayed to long and now he is into it also.I just want to tell any one who is in love with an addict to leave because it is easy to get into.I just found out that my uncle who was always calling my mom down for what she was doing was also addicted to crack he had an overdose and had a heart attach.Thankfully he recovered he is right back to doing it.I just thought I would write to you so everyone can read what I have went to and I thank you for this site it gave me a new perspective on the addiction

Sincerely

Sent: Sunday, March 21, 2004 1:18 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

MY HUSBAND CARNEAL HAS BEEN SMOKING CRACK FOR 14 YEARS HE HAS STOLEN FROM HIS FAMILY FRIENDS AND HIS MOST RECENT DOWNFALL WAS ROBBING HIS WIFE FOR THERE WEDDING RINGS. HE CONSTANLY RUNNING BACK AND FOURT TO JAIL AND AS SOON AS HE RELEASED HE GO BACK TO THE BACK TO SMOKING CRACK. WEVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED FIVE MONTHS AND I AM READY TO LEAVE AND NOT BE BOTHERED I DONT WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE HOPING AND PRAYING HE WILL STAY CLEAN I CANT LEAVE HIM IN MY HOUSE ALONE BECAUSE HE THAT FAR GONE. I CALLED THE POLICE AND HAD HIM ARRESTED AND PUT IN JAIL I DIDNT WANT HIM TO SELL ALL HIS CLOTHES BUT HE DID AND HE WAS TO FAR GONE.

Sent: Tuesday, March 09, 2004 12:09 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

UNTIL THIS LAST YEAR 11-2003 I HAVE REALLY NEVER DONE ANYTHING MORE THAN SMOKE CIGS AND DRINK A FEW DRINKS ON OCCASION, SINCE I REALIZED THAT DRINKING I WOULD BECOME JUST LIKE MY DAD AND I DIDNT WANT THAT. AT THE AGE OF 39 I SMOKED CRACK FOR THE FIRST TIME. MY BOYFRIEND A TRUCK DRIVER GOT SOME ON THE ROAD, AND WHEN HE CAME IN HE HAD A FRIEND OF OURS GET IT FOR HIM, FEELING GUILTY FOR BEING OUT ALL NIGHT AND ME BEING UPSET ABOUT IT THEY ASKED ME TO COME OVER TO THERE HOUSE, SO I DID. THEN I WAS ASKED IF I WANTED TO TRY IT. NEVER DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE AND BECAUSE I FELT LEFT OUT I DECIDED TO "PARTY" WITH THEM IT WAS LIKE 2 DAYS OF THIS WITH OUT SLEEP, IT WAS COOL I NEVER FELT A HIGH LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE. WE CONTINUED TO DO THAT FOR THE NEXT 3 MONTHS, BUT AS TIME WENT ON HE DIDNT CARE WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET IT INCLUDE SELLING MY ASS AS HE PUT IT JUST TO GET THE ROCK. IF I DID'T GET AS MUCH FROM ON OF THE DEALERS AS I DID FROM ANOTHER ON A TRIP TO TOWN HE WOULD THINK I WAS LYING AND GO THROUGH EVERYTHING BUT CHECKING TO SEE IF I HAD STUFFED IT. I HAD TO LYE TO HIM ABOUT THINGS TO GET IT FOR HIM AND LYE TO THE DEALERS THAT WOULD FRONT US THE ROCK JUST TO KEEP HIM GOING. THE LYES GOT TO BE TO MUCH AND HE GOT PARANIOD TO THE POINT WHERE HE ACTUALLY BEAT ME AND HIT ME A FEW TIMES. AFTER GOING THROUGH MORE MONEY THAN WE HAD, AND BOUNCING CHECKS ALL OVER THE TOWN, HE LOST HIS JOB WENT THROUGH ALL THE TAX REFUNDS FOR THIS YEAR, AND NOW HE IS WORRIED ABOUT PAYING BILLS. TOO LATE NOW
HE KEEPS SAYING WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS, I KNOW THAT I'M NOT THE ONE SAYING GO SPEND THE LAT TWENTY DOLLARS WE HAVE ON ROCK INSTEAD OF FOOD FOR THE HOUSE, I'M NOT THE ONE BUT I NEVER TOLD HIM NO BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID TOO. I JUST DONE WHAT EVER HE SAID TO DO IF HE SAID SMOKE IT I DID, JUST LIKE A PUPPET. NOW THAT HE IS BACK WORKING AND I'M WORKING AT HELPING THE TOWN CLEAN UP, I'M TRYING TO HELP THEM BRING DOWN THE DEALERS AND CLEAN UP THE AREA, MAYBE IF WE GET SOME OF THE BIG GUYS OFF THE STREETS AND MAKE IT HARDER FOR THEM TO SELL IT. MAYBE IT WILL BE HARDER FOR PEOPLE TO GET TO. BUT I DOUBT IT. I JUST KNOW THAT NOW I WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN, I'VE ONLY BEEN CLEAN A FEW WEEKS NOW. IT TOOK GETTING STOPPED BY THE COPS AND THREATENED THAT CHANGED MY OUT LOOK I DIDNT WANT TO SPEND THE NEXT 5 YEARS IN PRISON, I HAVE CHILDREN, NOT WITH ME BUT I HAVE THEM TO THINK ABOUT I CANT SAY DONT DO IT WHEN I HAVE DONE IT, BUT I DO KNOW THAT I DID WRONG AND THE HARDEST THING RIGHT NOW IS THE CRAVINGS THAT I'M HAVING AND THE HEADACHES FROM WITH DRAWLS I ALMOST BOUGHT SOME TODAY, BUT DIDNT. IT SCARES ME THAT I MAY NEVER BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GET OVER THIS THEN AGAIN ONE OF THESE DAYS I MAY BE ABLE TOO. I HOPE I'M AT THAT STAGE WHEN I'M DONE WITH IT I JUST HAVE TO HOLD ON A LITTLE BIT LONGER AND IT WILL BE OKAY. BUT I DONT THINK MY BF WILL EVER GET TO THAT STAGE THIS IS HIS SECOND OR MORE GO AROUND WITH THE STUFF HE WILL STAY CLEAN FOR A FEW YEARS THEN BACK TO IT AGAIN, AFTER ALL WE HAVE LOST I DONT SEE HOW HE AND JUSTIFY THAT, BUT IN HIS EYES IT IS ME TO BLAME FOR A LOT OF IT HE SAYS, THE PEOPLE WHO USE TO LOOK UP TO ME AND RESPECT ME LOOK AT ME WITH PITTY IN THEIR EYES AND THAT I CANT TAKE, AND THEY FEEL SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE LIVES WITH A CRACK HEAD, IF ONLY THEY KNEW THE WHOLE SAD STORY, I DIDNT GET HIM STARTED HE GOT ME STARTED AND I KNOW THE TRUTH I JUST WISH HE WOULD TELL THEM THE TRUTH BUT HE WILL LOOSE HIS STANDINGS WITH EVEYONE IF THEY KNEW, BUT IT IS OKAY TO GIVE ME UP.
HE JUST MAY HAVE GIVEN UP MORE THAT MY SELF RESPECT TO PEOPLE I LOOK UP TOO, HE HAS MADE MY HEART AND ALL MY LOVE FOR HIM CHANGE, I LOVE THE MAN I FIRST MET, I HATE THE MAN HE HAS BECAME AND FOR THE HITTING AND BEATING, I WILL NOT STAY, I CHOSE TO GO BACK HOME TO WHERE I CANT FIND THE CRACK, AND CHOSE NOT TO FIND IT TO GET A CLEAN START, AND THE FUNNY THING IS THAT IS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR.
NOW I GET TO START MY LIFE OVER AT 40 AND ALONE.

Sent: Friday, March 05, 2004 7:58 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Steve,

How are you? There are so many people in my neigborhood that does crack and other stuff i think it is wrong how can i get them to stop? They even bring it to school!! I would tell but i can't. I am not a stich . But can you help me plez tell m ehow to make them quit even my best friend did it when she was 7 years old but help thanks

Sincerly A

Sent: Sunday, February 22, 2004 1:09 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

First thank you for this web-site. It has helped me tremendously, as I knew nothing about crack, except it was bad. I live in FL and was just recently visiting my sister in KY, whom has been going through a divorce for the last two years, neither are pursuing it.

I frequently visit there, because that is where I grew up and my daughter's father is there.

My youngest sister who lives here in FL also, has been suggesting for about the last 6 months that something is wrong with our middle sister in KY. I have always denied it and said no way not her. She would never do something like that.

On my last visit two weeks ago, I did not take my daughter this time. I went alone, so that I could focus on my sister, still believing that there was not a problem, but just so I could prove it not only to myself, but my baby sister.

After arriving, my sister said she got confused and thought I was not coming until the following week. This is not the only confusion or forgetfulness, which has been going on for over a year.

She has two small children ages 7 and 8. She is not the loving doting mother I once knew. She now hollers and screams at them constantly. Leaves them with anyone who will keep them. She has all the signs and symptoms, such as, frequent bathroom visits and for long periods of time, she sneaks out of the house late at night when I am there, it makes me wonder, if she leaves the kids alone when I am not there. She gets really frazzles and excited. I can tell when she is getting ready to leave. She will either try and start an argument, or just have that wild look in her eyes like a caged animal.

Our family has always been so close. My mother and us three girls were always inseparable, but now you cannot even get her to sit down with you for more than 30 seconds, she cannot be still. She never calls us anymore; When we call her she says things are to hectic right now with the kids and can she call us back, but she never does.

My mother is there now to look out for the kids. I have called her husband to try and get him to intervene for custody and if he does not want it, at least let me have temporary custody, until she hits rock bottom and decides she has a problem.

I confronted her after returning home as I was still not sure until I started reading and ____trying to understand this drug. Then, I started putting things together, like the tablespoons with grit like metamuesel under bathroom sink, Reynolds wrap pieces laying around, staying up for days on end, then sleeping like a coma state for the next 2-3 days, staying in the bathroom and locking the door, no more patience with the kids, no hugs, no feelings for anyone, not eating, drinking a case of beer and still walking a straight line.

Of course, she denied it and had a lame excuse for everything that I brought to her attention. I am going up again this week-end with my youngest sister. I am taking a drug test kit with me. Me, my mother and my two sisters are going to talk. She has a good job making 45K+, which is in jeopardy right now because of absences, sick leave, falling a sleep on the job, etc.

I know right from the start it is probably going to be like hitting a brick wall; But if she refuses to take the drug test or takes it and fails, we are going to remove the kids from the house to stay with family meaning their father or us. If she is going to hit rock bottom, it is going to be on her own.

After all research and learning about this addiction, I have come to the conclusion that there is not much that I can do for her, but at least If she does not make it I know that I tried. But I can and will do something for the kids, they do not deserve this kind of home life.

Please pray for her and I hope that if anything is going to shake her it will be the loss of her children. Thanks again for this web-site, it has helped me understand that I CANNOT understand, but that is okay. There is really nothing that I can do for her to make her better, but I do let her know that I love her and I will be there when she is ready.

Good Luck to all. This is one of those things that happen in other families?? Not Mine..........So I thought?????

Sincerely S

Sent: Saturday, February 07, 2004 1:27 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

This is a brief history of my sister, who has been a crackhead for over 15 years. Thank you for your web site. This is the only web site I found that did not sugar coat the realities of this addiction. I love my sister, (she hates me of course) and I believe that now after 15 years she might just be on her death bed. She has done so many things to hurt me, yet I love her so much, and even though she is removed from my life, i long for the sister I once had. Her memories haunt me everyday, and I have to work hard at controlling my urge to want to seek her out and try to help her. My fear is that she will die and not know just how much I love and miss her. I have had my newpher on and off his entire life. Now at 15 this is a rap song he wrote about his life with his mother.

The following is a song written by Mario Carmona expressing his feelings about his life with his mother.

TELL ME HOW DOES IT FEEL,

TO HAVE THAT NEEDLE HIT YOUR VEIN

DO YOU LIKE THE SUDDEN RUSH OF

ADRENALINE TO THE BRAIN

DOES IT FEEL REAL GOOD

OR DO YOU FEEL REAL PAIN

TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR SON NOW

AND TRY TO REMEMBER MY NAME

REMEMBER ME, YOUR ONLY SON

YOU FUCKED UP MY WHOLE LIFE

YOU HAD ME 14 YRS OLD

CUTTIN CRACK WITH A STEAK KNIFE

LIVIN A FAKE LIFE

GOING TO SCHOOL, TRYING TO BE COOL

BUT I WAS BROKE, TRYING TO FIT IN

WHY ALL THE KIDS TREATED ME LIKE I WAS A FOOL

MY MOM, I’M GONNA EITHER LOVE HER OR HATE HER

TO SEE THE FRACTION

JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THE COMMON DENOMINATOR

ALL YOUR MONEY WENT TO CRACK

NOT FOOD FOR THE REFRIGERATOR

SHE NEEDED DRUGS

NOT LOVE TO ELEVATE

WHILE I WAS WATCHIN MY SISTER,

MY MOM WAS OUT ALL FUCKING NIGHT

COPPIN ROCKS OUT OF CRACK

AND LOADING IT UP IN THE PIPE

DOES THAT COKE MAKE YOU NOT HURT

TRYING TO RAISE A FAMILY

WITH SOME COMPOSER

IT HURTS TO SAY THAT I EVEN KNOW HER

TRYING SO HARD TO HELP HER

AND SHOW HER

BUT I REALIZED I REALLY NEEDED

TO LET GO OF HER

CUZ I WAS ALL ALONE,

WHILE MY MOM WAS IN THE STREET

COMIN HOME, WATCHIN MY SISTER

ALL DAY WHILE SHE WOULD SLEEP

CUZ SHE KNOCKED HER SELF-OUT

FROM SHOOTIN UP IN HER FEET

WHEN SHE SMOKED ROCKS,

HER LIPS WOULD FEEL THE HEAT

MY SISTER WAS STARVIN

BUT DIDN’T HAVE A MEAL TO EAT.

BUT STILL SHE NEVER LISTENED

NOT TO ONE OF MY CRIES

I CAN BELIEVE I’M WATCHIN

MY MOM DIE IN FRONT OF MY EYES.

Mario C

Sent: Saturday, January 24, 2004 5:51 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hello I am a 28 year old single mother my sons father my some what ex is a crack head. We have been together for about 8 years I am not exactly sure how long he has been using crack but I would say at least 2 years. Before that it was mostly pot. He is currently serving a 2.5 year sentence in prison for a probation violation from using crack and overdosing at our home. This has been the most horrible time of my life I am trying to be strong and trying to walk away it is very hard. I have been through it all the stealing, lies, physical and emotional abuse and yet for some reason I still care. I have been on the computer days trying to learn and understand something I never will. I believe that recovery is possible. I hope that one day he will be clean and be a father to our son. It is very said reading all the posts if someone recovering could please let me know if there is anything I could possible do to help him recover please let me know. I am walking away have told him he can not come back to our home but I have over two years before that will happen and hopefully I stand behind my word.

Thanks

Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2004 11:12 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I have been reading through the stories. I am married a little over 2 years and my husband became a crack addict about 6 months ago, but I only confirmed it about 2 months ago. I have been trying to live with it and it is tearing me up emotionally. I want to help him but do not know how (I live in Florida). should I file the Marchman Act? How do I get him help. He is in serious denial, without a job (we lost the business we owned), without a car (his he said was stolen). I love him so much because of the person I knew him to be. He says he's not using now (about 2 weeks he says) but he still keeps leaving. Now he's seeking things around the house that belong to him, to sell. He is a severe diabetic, heart patient (open heart surgery and 2 stents) and has hyperlipidemia. He is not a healthy man (46 yrs old).

I want to hold on but want to help him. I told him to leave but he said no. He has no where to go. I feel horrible and will feel worse if something happens to him. He says he will change but every few days its another story.

Please help me. Thank you

Sent: Saturday, January 10, 2004 2:15 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

hi steve,this is p from ohio.Its really hard to face it but

i have come to the same ending as you. a crack addict will always be a crack addict.they will never quit maybe for a week a month a year but they will always go back i contacted you back in aug or sept for help on a rehab.my fiance went 8 weeks.in new york came home he was only clean 2 weeks all those promises all the hope all the money 8000.00 for 8 weeks hes right back to were he was before he left.im heart broken im tired and im done i cant cry anymore i cant hurt anymore.i have been with him 3 years never new nothing of drugs now i can tell you what stage hes in.arguing hes going to get crack sleep hes done crack depressed hes coming down off crack.i have aged 10 years in the past 3 all the crying and worry,stress hes been gone this time since before christmas his dad sent him money for christmas hes gone i have cryed every night since dec 23 im done i cant do it no more the phone calles are driving me crazy i dont even answer the phone if i dont know who it is it is so hard to say no so hard to not believe him but i am praying every day and with gods help ill stay away from him before he distroys mine and my sons life.please pray for me

p in ohio

-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: Saturday, December 27, 2003 11:57 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I'm anna,im an addict.
subject:skeletons in my closet...conversation with my inner self.

hello anna, how have you been lately?"

"im not doing so well tonight.
lots of stress, i cant handle the simple things .....always trying to escape.
thats what makes me different....
i was never good at looking in the mirror,never even tried to look at who i really was....maybe thats why im lost.always have been...since the day i took my first breathe, i sought death.
i guess i rather be honest. it eats me up that with you i wasnt open.for fear of bieng judged,categorized and labeled. the thruthe is im a addict. i ran to bigger things.but i always ran.isnt that cowardly of me?
i ran to drugs....where i found comfort inside my own skin.....inside euphoria, an extreme i fell inlove with.
so what do u think now that u know the shameful secrets of a stranger?
i guess nobodies perfect....thats where i failed, my only dream for since i was 15, was to be perfect.i never was.....never will be......3rd degree burns never erase....shame is never washed away. not with hot showers no'r baby powder...theyre never washed away.....
tonight i hurt.
i dont know why im telling u.....i guess i wanted you to know what it was like to be on the other side of the extremist line. im here at 0, while you stand at 10. i wanted to know what it was like to live on the other side of the fence.whats it like to lack dirty secrets...whats it like to not have to hide your eyes while in a conversation?to be free...whats that like.....
i was given the curse of addiction. i battle with this demon every day-its always there. whispering.my companion for years and years-you would have thought such constant company that id of bonded with my demon-yet all it did was steal from me.all it did was rob my soul...still.... i keep running.deteriorating with every passing moment...living and dying, with every breath i take.
love,
a

Sent: Monday, December 08, 2003 10:38 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

hi steve, i was informed of your site by yet another attempt at investigating my crack addict husband, you see i had gone to a place that does serveilance, taping, lie detectors etc,,, last year i already had him take a lie detector test which he failed royally, i found him doing crack in the bathroom upstairs, im a nite nurse and the man couldnt even wait 15 minutes for me to leave the house to do my nite nursing, he was making numerous bathroom visits, and i was like, i have to use the bathroom, he finally let me in and hidden under neath the bathroom sink was a soda can with pin holes in the side, a home made pipe, and there was this enourmous amount of smoke coming out of the can, a smell i never smelled before in my life, not pot, not hash, it was like ammonia smelling, metal like, and in the side of the can was a heated blob of a drug, i heard the crackling first before i entered the bathroom, that is when i was like what the hell is going on, and sure enough, the man was smoking crack rite there in our home with our 2 children, i was devastated, dumbfounded, but i knew he was addicted when i knew he couldnt even wait 15 min. for me to leave for work, he would say he had diarrhea, and that was why he was making the bathroom trips, even so low as to ask me to steal some anti diarrhea medicine from my job, sometimes he would say he was rectal bleeding that was to get my mind off of maybe me finding out he was still doing it,,, well i taped him recently this is a year and a half later, and on the tape he is laughing about picking up a black crack whore and bringing her to his friends house, and went on to explain all the wild sex and drugs, he picked the whore up at the mall, in my car no less,,, any way the guy i brought the tape to for him to clear out some background noises so i could hear it all vividly just said i wont take ur money , go to crackreality and then come back,, he also said to me consider my husband dead, a tombstone has his name on it, and that i am to focus on myself, my children, and my safty first too, u see this man has said if i divorce him, he knows people, and i will never get his house, i fear for my life now,i am divorcing him now,, i have finally reallized he is not the man i married, and he is an alien who just uses the couch to crash on and sleep comatose, only waking to stuff food in his mouth in a coma, to go back to his couch and sleep continuosly somtimes for 2 days straight, not even a phone could wake him, he has a rash on his leg from rubbing continuously, asking me ,,, what do u think this is, now i know from reading ur website, it is a crack rash, i have finally woken up.. and i pray to god i have the stregnth to persist ...my main goal is to get this alien out of my home and to let him find another couch to crash on. he is verbally and physically abusive when he is coming down from his binge, his personality is a rollercoaster and i have lived on eggshells for years,,, he hold s a job down, but i dont no for how long, i need child support so i hope he keeps it, that is why i will not take ur advice to get his job involved, i need him to work, also i heard that they have to hit rock bottom, but i do believe rock bottom is death ... thanks steve for this website, i am only starting my journey now, it will be a long road ahead for my children and myself but we will survive...thanks baboblu , my screenname, real name is barbara, pray for me

Sent: Tuesday, December 02, 2003 9:31 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Steve,
I am 18 years old and I was introduced to crack by a very pretty and coniving young lady my age. She showed me where to go and how to get it and I just watched for the longest time. I was interested in it and I was intrigued by how the people I was introduced to was so happy when they used it. They are very outgoing and make it seem like they have complete control of their lives. I knew the coniving ways they were used to and I was very insightful. "E" was very nice to me and hung around me for a long time. My boyfriend at the time hated her and tried to warn me how bad she was because he had lived with her before when she was dating his friend. I had no clue how far I could get in the dark pit of this drug. Over a period of 1 week I had lost over 700 dollars in lending money and being convinced to give the "friends" money. One crackwhore came to me with this awful story of how E had been kidnapped and held at gun point and begged for 1500 dollars, but I could only afford to give her 50. This was a setup to get her crack money for the day. I started using with a very generous crackhead. He would supply so much, since I didn't ever feel it for a while I was becoming distrought and thought that this was stupid and worthless. Someone there told me to never start and told me how it has ruined their life, but I was so interested in trying things. I only smoked marijuana at the time and I was becoming bored with that. I finally felt it and I didn't understand why I was so ansty all the time. I started staying there doing it until 5:30 in the morning and making up these awful excuses to my boyfriend why I was out. Eventually E didn't talk to me at all that week and I haven't heard from her since. I have this deep hate for her now. All of the girls that would be around that block would whore at the drop of a dime and I was so disgusted by it. I never whored for it because I have high morals about my body. I was raised in a very nice home with people who cared, but I just wanted to rebel and do what I wanted. I live at home again. Thankfully. Anyways, I found that so many people do it. They make it seem like it's just a normal thing to do and it makes them so happy. I am only 90 pounds so I think it affected me ten times worse than an agerage person. I saw that within a few days I was skinnier and I wouldn't eat. I saw very bad effects, but yet I still did it. Remember that this is all within one week. I would twich and it was all I would think about. I became so broke. I had a minimum wage job at the time and I kept it while doing it. My desire to stay at work depleted that week though. I knew that I had to work though to keep the tiny apartment I was living in. I stopped using after that week, I don't think I was ever addicted though so I think that is why I had the chance to recover. I see how hard it is for some to stop. It's impossible for some, but I feel that it is just a sense of knowing what you have to do. I know that there are crack addicts reading this sight and feeling very guilty. I went through hell for an 18 year old and no one around me could ever understand what I went through. I went through times when I would smoke and run out and would be on the floor for hours searching for a dropped peice and I would go home searching the floors when I knew there was no chance of it even being there. It messes with your mind so bad. I finally told my boyfriend and he was disgusted with me. He stayed with me though. I promised that I would never do it again and I didn't for a while. I met up with someone to get some marijuana for my boyfriend and I ended up smoking crack with that money that evening. I felt awful that I did that. Money just vanishes and you are left with nothing and the horrible feeling of not ever recovering from the blow of money. I learned that a day is a day and things can always change. I havn't used since that night and that has been over 2 months now. I moved back in with my dad and I have noticed that it is all I think about. I can't relate with anyone because if you bring up the word crack people are like, "What?! Who does crack?! Crackheads!" They don't understand the real power of how it can affect someone. My heart reaches out to the people who are affected by crack and the people who use crack and get caught up in that awful lifestyle. It's a yearn to stop and a fear of losing everything is why I stopped, but I don't understand why it's all I think about like I'm obsessed with it, I don't feel that 1 week of doing it calls for a reason to call a hotline or anything, but this is easier for some answers and hope. I have a wonderful job now and I am finishing my high school diploma, but there will always be this dark cloud hovering over me it seems like. I feel that I can't have a friend that hasn't done crack because they will automatically judge me and think that I'm a crackhead. From reading some of the stories it sounds like I will never find a recovering crack addict to relate to. Many tears have been cried over this drug for me, but I hope to get through this. All I know is that I could never smoke it again because I have seen the awful damage it could do in one week, let alone doing it the rest of my life. So what would you say to someone like me? Am I an addict, or am I just someone who has tried it and still thinking about it?

Sent: Saturday, November 29, 2003 11:41 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story.....IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE

Well, I started dating my first love and only love in January of 2000. Two months after we started dating i found out he was doing crystal meth. His parents sent him to Twelve Oaks, rehab in Navarre Beach,Fl. I didnt try to leave him because i wanted to be strong, help him and be there for him. When he got out he played me for a fool. He was in the 6 weeks and when he got out was not even sober 6 days. He was smokin pot and snorting OxyCotin, also many differnt types of pills. I figured it out about a month after he was home. I did not know what to do.I was always depressed and i never knew what to do. Well his parents figured it out in April of 2001 and he went back to rehab in the same place. After 4 weeks we went and got him because of insurance issues. He seemed to be doing wonderful. So happy and loving. He was the person i loved. Well he once again started using drugs. I was not sure what it was. One day he came home and told me that he got pulled over and almost went to jail because he had a crack dealer with him that jumped out of the car and ran from the police. I asked him if he was doing crack and he kept denning it. In September 2003 he got caught stealing for dillards in the mall. He went to jail and when he got out he was on probation. He was taking drug test every week for his P.O. I thought everything was going well until moodswings, not eating or sleeping became very frequent. In April of 2003 we broke up. In October he failed a drug test and tested positive for crack cocaine. We are not together any more but we are still in contact. He is in rehab for 12 more months in Hotsprings, Arkansas. He is doing really good but, the question is will he stay sober and how do i know what exactly to look for?

Sent: Tuesday, October 28, 2003 11:35 PM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2003 1:45 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Cc: Georvice@aol.com
Subject: Submit Story but not My Name, please

My Baby Brother is a CH

Oct. 20, 2003

Dear Steve,
Thank you for your site. It was only yesterday I realized that my misunderstood but fabulously talented brother is a crack addict. It is horribly painful to think of the waste and the loss and of the destruction of two other lives (his wife and baby). My parents are experiencing the living loss of their only son and only grandchild.
I am experiencing the loss of my complete family unit which has always been a constant for me. There's a big hole in it named Grant.
For the last 10+ years nothing he's done has made sense and most of it contradicts the way we were brought up. He went to school in phoenix and came back a mess. His strong girlfriend at the time, and my mom helped him through a rough period of withdrawal and he was clean until the girl stopped providing ultimate support and moved on to become a successful model, and double-science-major UCLA, now in her medical residency. We loved the person he was: attractive, sharp dresser, charming, ambitious, and were appalled when he became a rebellious, aggressive, atheistic, anarchist grunge-bum. We attributed it to the amazing girlfriend's absence and his new scummy friends. He got a great job out of town and lost it. His car got stolen and firebombed. He grew his hair, beard, and got nasty, unintelligible and unattractive tattoos (i am not against ink) He got more good jobs (talent) and lost it to his attitude. We attributed this to the family temperament we were all blessed with but seems most unchecked in him.
He floated and made more yucky friends, then married a girl from the other side of the tracks (she is not a user--we think). Her family is known for drug use, sales, and general flakiness. This made no sense to us then ; it does now.
How a gifted mechanic could destroy every motorized vehicle he's ever owned is beyond us, but now we realize it's a symptom. How could an upper-middle class raised child in a comfortable clean home live in poverty and filth?? A sad, frustrating mystery until this realization.
They had a beautiful baby who looks just like my baby bro, and who will grow up a third generation hippie chick (with a temper). I may never get to know her. My brother has alienated us all for accusing him of having a drug problem and not giving him cash.
Losing a loved one to this addiction is the worst kind of pain, it's intrusive, uncontrollable and hopeless.
I don't know any other users personally, but through your site i'm able to relate, analyse and research this illness. I have prayed and pleaded against this destruction, and still...
i'm sharing this to help myself with the grief and hope others can glean something from it. thank you, steve c.

Sent: Friday, October 10, 2003 8:10 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

hello, hello....a common phrase my son used, breaks me up knowing what he has become, today. I have managed to find the courage to put him out of the streets. trust that God will take care of him and his life is in the master plan of fate. everyones story is the same behavior in different situations. how sad its is, knowing there is litttle help for a point of return.

thank you for your site, i sat here and read it right through. amazed at the similarities to my own heartaches. at least i find comfort in knowing that i am not alone in this heartless disease that confronts us today. thank you steve for sharing yourself, strength, and hopes with us.

Sent: Friday, October 10, 2003 5:19 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: submit my story

I have been living with and in love with a crack addict for over a year. I have been thru alot, having my stuff stolen, being conned out of money, lied to, left alone at night wondering where he was and why he did not want to come home. I could tell so many stories about how awful it was. In the beginning I did not even know he had a drug problem it took me awhile to figure it out.

But I wanted to let others know that there is hope. My addict is doing better. He used to be a daily user. Eventually he slowed down to using about 2 days out of each week. Then he slowed to using once every two weeks. He now seems to be able to go about 3 weeks but even when he does slip now he buys alot less than he used to and spends alot less time doing it. He has gained weight, he has ambition again, he treats me alot better and is trying to make something out of his life. He actually brings me his paychecks instead of blowing them on crack. This change took a long time and we still have a long way to go. Hopefully someday he will stop doing it all together. But I can see that the hold it has on him is not as strong. It took alot of love and alot of prayer and patience to get this far. We also moved away from the town we lived in that had a lot of places to buy it. We live out in the country now. I am not saying that every addict can progress this far, only you can decide whether or not you should stick it out. I just could always see the good person he was inside and could not give up on him. But you might be different and that is okay. If you have to give up, forgive yourself and move on. You did not make that person pick up a crack pipe, it was their choice. The biggest and hardest lesson I had to learn was to take care of me, there is not anything you can do for them if you don't.

Well I have rambled on enough. Hope this helps someone. I smile a lot now. I am not always in a state of emotional distress. I actually go whole weeks without worrying now.

Sent: Wednesday, October 08, 2003 7:44 AM
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

After being married to a crack addict for 9 years and being separated and divorced for two, I am finally trying to break all ties. I met him in January, 1993 immediately following my first divorce. I was alone for the first time in 10 years and very vulnerable. He was funny, handsome, caring, all the things I had longed for. What I did not know was that his parents had paid off all his debts and shipped him to my home town from California so that he could kick a crack habit in new surroundings. We moved in together, I met his parents (who did not bother to warn me because hey! he was cured!), we planned our wedding, and we became a family with my children, 6 and 8. We were happy for a short while until he got comfortable. He started smoking crack and not hiding it about two years into the relationship. I ultimately started smoking with him until he went on a four day binge locked in our bedroom. I sent him to rehab. His parents had to pay over $30,000 to his employer to keep him out of prison on embezzlement charges, he actually stole and gave his crack dealer over $80,000.00. He felt that this was ok because he was the office manager and he didn't take a weekly paycheck. Thus, I was totally supporting the family and he was robbing the company blind to pay for our habit. We were clean for 8 months. After another two years locked in the bedroom every night, I reached my limit. My daughter, who was 16 at the time, saw him buy crack in our driveway. She went to my mother's. My mother told me that she and my son, who was 14 now and in military school, could not live with me until I left him. I left. I have been clean for two years without entering a rehab. I know from reading your site and many more that this is remarkable, but I honestly was sick and tired of that life, of being broke, of disappointing my children, my friends, myself. I continued to see him even though I had filed for divorce and we were not living together. He swore he quit, he wanted me to come home. I still had a key so I would go to the house and check when he was not at home. Crack was always there. I went back to him three times in the midst of depression, but I never lived with him again and I never smoked crack again. His most recent binge lasted over a month. He locked himself in the house and didn't make the payments. I didn't know how bad it was until the mortgage company called me. The house was going into foreclosure. My son (now 16) went over to check on him and came home crying. Greg looked like a holocaust victim. His parents came and got him and paid all his bills, moved all his things, hired a realtor and put him in once a week therapy. Once a week therapy for a 2 decade crack cocaine addiction. They think all he needs is some rest, tender loving care from his parents and distance from e and the horrible children. We are the cause of his addiction. Yeah, right. He was at the house this past weekend to work on the house (which he didn't) and told his parents he would stay with friends. He spent both nights, locked up in the house, smoking crack. Used our best friends for an alibi. Guess who his parents will blame? Our friends. I have finally accepted the fact that as long as he knows someone is going to bail him out, he is not going to change. His parents are very wealthy and think that all he needs to be clean is their love, constant attention, and a life without me. That's is just totally fine with me. I am tired of being used, manipulated, made to feel responsible for this 38 year old man. He lies, he steals, he manipulates our friends, he is a crack addict. He tells me he loves me and wants to change, and it all sounds good, but I can count on him getting high every time he gets a chance. He can't say no. Through all this, I have managed to stay at the same job for 13 years. I don't understand why anyone would WANT to live that kind of life. I never did. I just loved him so much that I really thought he would change with me. The whole time I was in it I was begging for it to stop. Begging for him not to make me have to leave. And here I am. 42 years old, a grandmother, embarking on a single life. I thank the Lord for my wonderful 18 month old grand-daughter. That did it for me. It gave me the strength to walk out. Even though I was scared to death in the beginning, I am excited about the adventure I am about to embark on. Thank you for this site. I have sent it to friends who think they can help Greg. They treat him like there is nothing wrong, listen to his lies, never confront him. They think that if they confront him, it will make him smoke crack or they will lose his friendship. I have tried to tell them that acting like the problem isn't there is tantamount to condoning his behavior. Thanks for including in your site that no one causes someone to smoke crack. Even though Greg was smoking crack for ten years before I met him, his family wholeheartedly believes that me and my children are the cause of his addiction. The reality is that he likes his life and has no intention of changing. I am a survivor and it is not impossible to walk away. You just have to want it bad enough to do it. You have to want to be clean more than anything else. Period.